Strippers

'A World-Class City Like Chicago' Needs Topless Strippers, Says Alderman

Measure would allow licensed "cabarets" to offer both alcohol and topless dancing.

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VIP's Gentleman's Club/Facebook

Chicago Alderman Ed Burke wants to bring booze and topless dancing together again in the windy city. Burke is backing a measure that would allow stip clubs to offer both alcohol and more nudity if they meet certain zoning and licensing requirements.

It's not exactly a step toward loosening the city's regulatory grip on adult entertainment businesses—clubs that wish to obtain a "cabaret license" permitting alcohol and topless-dancing together must be located at least 1,000 feet from any homes, schools, or churches and not located in a "planned manufacturing district." The permit would also be subject to community hearings. 

In fact, all new strip clubs—whether dancers will be topless or not—would now have to obtain a cabaret license, a move the Chicago Tribune says is aimed at ending "the unlawful impromptu conversion of adult bookstores, movie theaters and late-night bars into strip joints." First introduced 14 months ago, the measure "has languished since then," the Tribune notes. Ald. Burke was expected to bring the measure before the Chicago City Council Wednesday, but felt he didn't have the votes to pass it. 

Asked whether he will call it for a vote next month, Burke said "Time will tell."

Burke said he doesn't know why his colleagues oppose the measure. "Don't ask me," he said.

Eloquent guy, this Burke. Still, you have to give at least a little credit to anyone proposing slightly less nanny statism in a nanny state capitol like Chicago. There are currently eight legal strip clubs in the city, and only one serves alcohol. At that club, VIP's, dancers aren't allowed to be fully topless, but they still show a lot of skin. Burke cited VIP's as evidence that the good people of Chicago can actually handle booze and boobs at the same time. 

"There's been no police reports of any kind of misconduct," Burke said at a zoning panel meeting last year. "The neighbors don't object. And frankly, a world-class city like Chicago in terms of entertainment ought to have realistic kinds of adult entertainment venues that don't create a problem in the neighborhood."

Ald. Burke has until May 6, the last meeting of the current city council's four-year term, to get a vote on the measure; otherwise it will have to be re-introduced and go through a daunting hearing process.

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  1. What makes Chicago so fucking special? Why can’t every city (and town for that matter) need topless strippers?

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  3. Yep, every time I think of booze and nekid women, I immediately think of regulations!

  4. Doesn’t the planet really deserve top shelf naked cabarets? Whose with me!

  5. Or the city government could, you know, concentrate on more important stuff, like getting their famously simian Police Department under some kind of control, and let consenting adults get drunk and nekkid if they’s a mind to without government oversight.

    I know. Don’t be silly.

  6. I have a cunning plan. To avoid strip clubs being too close to schools, churches, playgrounds, movie theaters, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever, put them on zeppelins that fly around the city.

    1. I would gladly go to church on a zeppelin. Chuck E. Cheese, no.

      1. I wasn’t clear. Put the strip clubs on zeppelins.

        1. But if someone lights a match it will blow us all to hell!

          1. No, no, no, we’ll use helium, not hydrogen. Unless the government cuts off the helium supply to stop the whole Sky Stripper enterprise.

            1. Stop being a ninny on hydrogen dirigibles. I want helium kept safe for party balloons and MRI machines…

              Party Balloons would be a great name for this sky stripper business.

              1. I see logo opportunities.

              2. “Party Balloons would be a great name for this sky stripper business.”

                Isn’t that the trade name of Kardasian’s plastic surgeon?

                    1. LZ Twerkdenberg

    2. That is not a cunning plan, that is an episode of Eagleheart.

      1. Do they have stripper zeppelins?

  7. “It’s not exactly a step toward loosening the city’s regulatory grip on adult entertainment businesses?clubs that wish to obtain a “cabaret license” permitting alcohol and topless-dancing together must be located at least 1,000 feet from any homes, schools, or churches and not located in a “planned manufacturing district.” The permit would also be subject to community hearings. ”

    What if I want to live within 1000 feet of a strip club?

  8. “There are currently eight legal strip clubs in the city, and ONLY ONE SERVES ALCOHOL.”

    This city is run by savages.

    1. For those not in the know, Chicago has many such Cabarets that serve alcohol and feature topless dancing. They are all owned by police and firemen and are not licensed per se.

  9. Burke lamented a lack of titty bars in his neighborhood and sprung into action? Good for him.

  10. Hoosierland has a lovely cottage industry just over the state line of supplying the things Chicagoians want but can’t get: boobs+booze, guns, fireworks, cheap cigarettes, and cars with Indiana sales tax vice Illinois sales tax . The only downside for us is Illinois drivers are a special kind of menace.

    1. I’m surprised Indiana hasn’t declared war on Illinois. I think Indiana would win, because everyone not in Chicagoland would rebel and fight with the Indianans.

      1. Oh we’d definitely win, because even our progtards have guns.

    2. The only downside for us is Illinois drivers are a special kind of menace.

      I blame Hoosiers for at least some part of this.

      I’ve never wanted to murder more people at once that when there’s a half-mile long column of cars on I-65 (or 69, 70), all driving exactly the speed limit, taking up both lanes.

      I freely admit Illinois drivers don’t check their blind spots, but nowhere else that I’ve driven major highways are there so many people who *love* to use the left-hand lane to *not* pass anyone.

      1. I freely admit Illinois drivers don’t check their blind spots, but nowhere else that I’ve driven major highways are there so many people who *love* to use the left-hand lane to *not* pass anyone.

        Beltline Highway, Madison, WI.

      2. Oh I don’t disagree with you. There are far too many Hoosiers that like to “pass” on cruise control. But it’s merely rage inducing rather than death inducing. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve narrowly avoided horrific death because some Illinois driver decided that he needed to be in my lane RIGHT NOW whether or not there was you know an actual space or not. Thank the gods for good brakes.

      3. I stay the fuck off I-65. It’s far better to zip down at 90 mph on 421 since most of its route is rural 2-lane highway (just gotta avoid the speed traps and deer).

    3. +1 Krazy Kaplan

  11. No strip clubs? Wow, Chicago is even shittier than I imagined.

    1. They do have (or did have) a lot of good blues venues. That’s about it, unless you like deep-dish pizza. Then they have that, too. And Wrigley is a nice park, even though the team is a joke.

      1. FUCK YOU. THERE IS PIZZA, THERE IS DEEP-DISH, THERE IS NO DEEP-DISH PIZZA!!!!!

    2. Back in oh, 1999/2000 I went to visit my best friend who was living in Chicago at the time.

      We went to an all-nude strip bar there. It was $24 at the door and $10 per dance. After leaving, I said, “We could have just gotten a hooker or two instead.”

      But the acts were quality, including a blonde who had posed for Hustler.

  12. Strip clubs are stupid. Why would anyone spend money to have naked women give them blue balls?

    I think it was Tim Allen who compared strip clubs to a restaurant that puts a delicious, juicy steak in front of you and then takes it away.

    1. Sometimes the steak isn’t taken away. Sometimes the steak just wants an extra $200, quietly, after hours.

    2. Because there is more to life, and the enjoyment of women, than emptying your balls. And sometimes it’s hard to find willing female company on short notice while you’re traveling.

    3. Supply and demand says otherwise.

    4. Also, a good percentage of the time, you can get finished off in some fashion or other. That’s not my preference, personally.

  13. It’s sort of bizarre considering that Chicago seems to be a safe home for everything else mafioso-esque.

    You would think with all the political corruption and union thuggery, it would also have a healthy market for coke-binging fatasses who like strippers. No wonder Christie and Obama got along.

  14. Even this Hoosier rube can recognize a play for more revenue by a broke municipality.

    Seriously, if you picked a prototypical ‘Illinois Politician’ and put it in a race against Ed Burke, he’d make it look like a right-wing fundy. Cop family, born and raised in Chicago, left the force to seek office… as a democrat…

    The terseness isn’t about him being a man of few words, he’s grudgingly admitting that the system is broke/crumbling and he’s going to have to tax strippers and their patrons to keep the machine running.

  15. What Chicago really needs is legal weed. I can see titties any time I want by just telling Mrs. OMWC that she’s looking particularly pretty today.

  16. Years ago I had a friend who had married a woman from Germany. She told me that between her house and her school was a legal brothel that she walked passed every day. Somehow she avoided becoming a prostitute and, as far as I know, Germany did not fall into absolute debauchery. I wish the damned Puritans and ignorant moral do-gooders would just pack up and crawl back into the 18th Century hole they came out of. In Arizona, at the same time that I talked to my friend’s German-born wife, they had a law that alcohol couldn’t be sold within 1,000 feet of a school. Obviously, seeing alcohol being sold would have driven all those school children to be alcoholics. But what about seeing mom or dad or other relatives at homes and the Saturday afternoon barbecue drinking? Wouldn’t that have an even greater impact on the poor little children they (the pols) were trying to save? Oh wait. I’m using logic.

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