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In Pennsylvania, officials at Phoenixville Area High School demanded that students pass a breathalyzer test before being admitted to a recent football game. The officials say it's right there in the handbook that they can test students before school events. Some observers said they appeared to be testing anyone who looked young enough to be in school.

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  1. Ah, Phoenixville!

  2. So don’t go to the football game, ever. Once they lose that concession stand lucre they’ll back off.

    1. Yep. Wait until the only people in the stands are the marching band and the opponents’ fans.

    2. Hey Florida Man. What’s up with all our wrong way drivers in Tampa?

      1. You should ask Prolib or Brett L, they live in Tampa. My guess is all the streets that just end. Downtown Tampa has some roads that defy logic.

        1. Oh ok. I was actually talking about I275. The locals have picked up a decidedly Darwinian habit of going the wrong way on the interstate.

          1. I don’t get over there too much. I live in Orlando and see some really bizarre driving choices and write it off as out of towners trying to find their way around.

    3. So don’t go to the football game, ever.

      Nice plan, except: Every student, and every single adult that I know that go regularly to the HS football games ain’t skipping those Friday night lights no matter what. They’d take a piss test out on the field if that was required to enter the “stadium.”

      1. Do you live in Texas?

        1. No. Pennsylvania. Not Texas levels of craziness around here, but close enough sometimes.

          1. One of the first questions I was asked when interviewing at a rural Ohio/Indiana border area steel mill was which football team I liked, and from the context it was clear they were talking about high school football.

            Affecting a slight Turkish accent and saying “I really don’t understand the game, but it looks fascinating” did the trick!

  3. Because being an obnoxious teenager obviously means you are drunk.

    1. No, it’s because they can, not because they expect to catch anyone.

  4. FTA
    “after a devastating 21-20 loss Phoenixville-Owen J. Roberts’ head coach Marv Harridan, put the blame squarely on the lackluster performance of Phoenixville-Owen J. Roberts’ twelfth man. “Not even one good G*ddamn wave, sure they gave us an O and a J but they really dropped it on the R..pathetic” stated a clearly disappointed Harridan at the after game press conference.”

    1. The coach is actually a harridan? Really?

  5. “The goal is to help all students make good choices,” Fegley said. “From
    what I know, all the students in attendance at the game made excellent
    choices.”

    I guess the cops were just “helping” Eric Garner, amirite?

    1. “The goal is to help all students make good choices,” Fegley said.

      Sex education is predicated on the idea that the teens are going to fuck anyway, so we’d better teach them to do it responsibly; and if you disagree with this, you’re some sort of horrible monster.

      Alcohol education should be predicated on the fact that the teens are going to drink anyhow, so better to teach them to do it responsbily. Yet if you suggest this, people look at you as though you were some sort of evil freak.

  6. So what would happen when some asshole like me shows up at the gate and refuses the test, turns around to leave? Are they going to force them to take the test before said asshole can leave? What if they refuse?

    I can see some kid getting the shit beat out of them and arrested for simply showing up.

    1. You know what happens to people who fail to obey their public servants.

      1. An officer deployed firearm threat mitigation exercise! Yay!

        1. There’s a story in the Daily Mail today about a guy who was gunned down in front of his son for failure to obey. The son was yelling to the cop that his father was deaf, but that’s no excuse not to obey. Nothing else will happen.

  7. Some observers said they appeared to be testing anyone who looked young enough to be in school.

    My vanity trumps my principles every time. I’ll take your breathalyzer test.

  8. Dude is like totally rolling with it man. Wow.

    http://www.Crypt-Anon.tk

  9. I guess instead of going to a game out in public and under the sky these kids should be hiding in their parents basement getting drunk and knocking up the neighbor girl.

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