Proctologists Despair: Researchers Devise a Potential Universal Cancer Test

I know that, like me, many of you look forward to colonscopies every five years, annual prostate massages, and the singular excitement of esophageal endoscopy as ways to check for early signs of cancer. That being the case, it is my sad duty to report that some researchers at the University of Bradford believe that they are well on the way to creating a new universal cancer test. The new blood test involves checking white blood cells for stress. The more stressed, the more likely the patient has cancer. As ScienceDaily reports:
The test will enable doctors to rule out cancer in patients presenting with certain symptoms, saving time and preventing costly and unnecessary invasive procedures such as colonoscopies and biopsies being carried out. Alternatively, it could be a useful aid for investigating patients who are suspected of having a cancer that is currently hard to diagnose.
Early results have shown the method gives a high degree of accuracy diagnosing cancer and pre-cancerous conditions from the blood of patients with melanoma, colon cancer and lung cancer. The research is published online in FASEB Journal, the US journal of the Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology.
The Lymphocyte Genome Sensitivity (LGS) test looks at white blood cells and measures the damage caused to their DNA when subjected to different intensities of ultraviolet light (UVA), which is known to damage DNA. The results of the empirical study show a clear distinction between the damage to the white blood cells from patients with cancer, with pre-cancerous conditions and from healthy patients.
Sigh. This could be goodbye to twilight sedation.
But seriously folks, here's hoping this promising result will prove out.
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Yay!
I will stick with the proven science of having my dog sniff out the cancer.
Do you keep a SWAT team on standby in case the dog alerts?
The HHS SWAT team will no-knock raid the tumor.
Really gives some nuance to the term "flashbang."
I will cast my fates to the wind.
Proctologists are all perverts anyway.
Off-topic, I know, but it does involve colons, so . . .
Remember Dr. Okay Odocha? He's the New Mexico doctor that sexually assaulted David Eckert when Deming police brought him in to have his body searched for drugs after a K9 "alerted" on his car during a traffic stop. Check out the reviews of his practice on Google Plus:
http://tinyurl.com/o3nsple
Wow.
I see he is accepting new patients.
Annual prostate massages?!?! I never got that memo!
Bummer, can this new test be administered anally?
Would the test results be given false positive by HIV infection or other chronic infections? Viral and non-viral?
To think of all the time I spent finding a GP with small fingers and skinny nurses.
Dang. I write some of my best HTML while coming out of the twilight stuff.
Don't remember writing it, but still...