i'll build my own train service, with blackjack, and hookers

A child's abandoned school project led the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) to suspend service on Metro-North, a commuter rail line that serves New York and Connecticut, for part of early Friday morning. The middle school student fashioned a cardboard box to look like head of Bender, a character in the animated series Futurama. The child said he accidentally left the project near the Unquowa Road bridge in Fairfield, Connecticut and meant to pick it up later.

Instead, it was spotted by a Department of Public Works employee who called police. Cops agreed the object was suspicious and called the MTA and a bomb squad from the state police. MTA then suspended service or, as Connecticut News put it, "the box forced Metro-North to suspend service."  The paper didn't seem to understand why not everyone would blame the box:

While Metro-North didn't have anything to do with the box, some commuters still blamed the railroad.

"I don't defend Metro-North any more," Joe Clyne, a Fairfield commuter for 16 years, said as he sat on the steps of Tomlinson Middle School overlooking the chaotic scene on the Unquowa Road bridge. "I used to say that Metro-North was better than the Long Island Railroad – not anymore."

Service was suspended for two hours while the cardboard box was checked out. Land of the free, home of the brave.

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  1. Ed you fail at headlines forever.

    1. 🙁 I don’t even. Fixed, obviously.

  2. Bender’s name isn’t Bonder, it’s Bender!

    1. Calculon: Nice work, Boiler.

      Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender.

      1. Hey, everyone! Antonio here, but you can call me “Bender”! I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut.

    2. If they want find a bonding robot, ffs…..

    3. Do you see a robot in this room named Folder?

      1. Don’t blame me, blame my upbringing.

  3. Oh c’mon Ed. You can’t possibly post a story like this without also linking to this.

    1. so how much time did the “bombers” get?

  4. I would love a train of hookers.

    1. Forget the train.

  5. Laws banning the construction or possession of “suspicious objects” in 3, 2, 1, ….

  6. The LAPD loves to do nonsense like this. After several “bomb scares” in my neighborhood, I posted a photo of a terrorist attack in progress, LAPD style.

    1. Los Angeles, you say?

  7. I see left bags now and then on the NYC subway – I have yet to see anyone “say something”. Thank god, because if I did I would have to kill them for fucking with my commute.

    1. I see the table with two cops at the 1 train in Penn (and their little air sensor thing); I’m honestly shocked that in the 30 seconds I pass by them every day I’ve only seen them go through one person’s bag .

      1. I see them nail people most days at the WTC PATH station. Including me – twice.

    2. Thank god, because if I did I would have to kill them for fucking with my commute.

      I always assume the reason it never happens is because everyone knows this/feels the same way.

      1. Yup. We despise sick people for the same reason.

  8. I used to say that Metro-North was better than the Long Island Railroad ? not anymore.

    Oooohhhh…getting knocked down to LIRR level is pretty bad. MetroNorth used to be pretty damn good about being on time. Shit like this isn’t going to help that.

    1. MTA=SEPTA=MUNI=Pyonyang Transit

      Reprivatize that shit, or liquidate.

      1. Back in the early 90’s, my mom would tell me “Watch out for SEPTA, they’ll get ya!”

        This was when they’d run over and kill at least a person a week.

    2. wait, Long Long Island has a railroad? I thought LLIRR was on Omicron Persei 8.

  9. New York Strong!

  10. This is why people who ride trains can’t have nice things.

  11. NPR had a caller recounting his experience at tha Mall of America where he reported a suspicious bag left on a bench.

    After 15 minutes with nobody showing up, the caller left the scene and then was jumped by the Mall’s toy-cops and held for questioning for two hours.

    The caller said he learned his lesson.

    1. Beautiful. 8-(

    2. Yeah, that’s why you don’t report shit. Duh.

    3. Jumped by mall cops? A pile-on like that makes self-defense open and shut.

  12. I object to the tile. That Bender Head is neither shiny, metal, nor in possession of an ass.

    1. “Bodies are for hookers and fat people. All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.”

      1. Alright, here’s the plan: Zoidberg, pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take five.

  13. Serious question: When are TPTB going to start shutting down roads when trash “falls off” a vehicle? Some of that stuff is *really* suspicious!

    (I know, I know — Stop giving them ideas.)

  14. Stupid anti-pimping laws!

    1. I see not *everyone* blames the box.

    2. that 10:15 to Nutley ain’t goin’ nowheres without yours truly behinds the wheel.

  15. BENDER: I came to Earth with a simple dream: to kill all humans. And this is how it must end!? Who’s the real 600 ton giant monster here? Not I… Not… I…

  16. “Bender’s got the upper hand now. The name of the game is ‘Make Bender Happy Or He Blows Up Metro North’. I’d rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute listening to these idiots talk about bouncing!”

    1. There’s no need to bounce off the handle.

    2. they have alot of brains and they have alot of chudspah.

  17. i’ll build my own train service, with blackjack, and hookers

    This alt-text is just rubbing in the death of the bar cars, Ed. Not cool.

  18. Service was suspended for two hours while the cardboard box was checked out. Land of the free, home of the brave.

    Don’t be so flip. We’re free and brave because we institute martial law at the sight of some christmas lights blinking on a piece of carboard.

  19. How many bombs have been found, identified and successfully defused by any transit authority anywhere ever?

    1. Good. Fucking. Question. Just ask Boston and the Mooninites.

      Ignignokt: Fry man, we’re full of religion now. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious.

      Err: Do it or I’ll bow ’em for you!

      Ignignokt: You have deeply offended us and our God, and our God is a God of vengeance and horror.

      Err: And action!

      Ignignokt: Our God is an Indian that turns into a wolf.

      Err: Man, that’s Wolfen, man.

      Ignignokt: Well, the…the Wolfen will come for you with his razor.

  20. “Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool? Of course they do. How ’bout committing crimes and violence? Again, the answer is “yes”. But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? I say absolutely not! Uh … on the other hand, most, perhaps all the blame, rests with the parents. That’s right, you! And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?”

    1. The kid left his crafts project out on the street. Out. On. The street. He littered! He littered his crappy art project all over the pristine face of Gaia. That is a crime to which no progressive may turn his cheek. And for that he must be punished.

      1. “We will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert!”

        1. now, where is my mega-fem?

  21. OMG!!! TSUNAMI!!! Run for your lives!!!

    1. P.S. Francisco failed to predict this earthquake. I no longer believe in his superpowers.

      1. You just didn’t interpret his prediction properly. Like Nostradamus, his predictions can be interpreted any way you wish.

    2. Where was the earthquake? I didn’t feel a thing.

      1. That’s what she said! WOOOOOOOO!

        It was in Alaska.

        1. Okay, but is Little Sitkin Island on the far western reaches of the Aleutians really Alaska?

          I was thinking something crazy like that 9.2 they had 50 years ago.

          1. I’m pretty sure that’s why Playa was making fun of panicking over it. It’s nothing like the second strongest earthquake ever recorded.

  22. FUN BENDER FACT: In the episode “Bender Gets Made” there is a deleted scene in which Bender, on the run from the Robot Mafia, tries to file away his own serial number. The serial number he would be shown filing, however, is that of Flexo, Bender’s doppelganger from the episode “The Lesser of Two Evils”. The implication would be that at the end of the latter episode, Flexo switched places with Bender and assumed his identity while Bender was taken to prison.

    The scene was ultimately removed for fear it would outrage fans.

    1. I was not aware of that.

      1. Don’t believe him! He’s just jealous that Marvin the Paranoid Android isn’t as famous and well known as Bender. Or as funny.

        1. Yeah, well, what about Marvin the Martian?

          He’s more famous and more funny! Depending on which demographic you ask of course.

      1. I’m literally angry with rage!

    2. You know, I just remembered this song. You can thank me later.

      1. Love…don’t talk to me about love…

  23. I’m honestly shocked the kid isn’t facing charges for this cruel act of terrorism.

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