Alcohol

Reports of Four Loko's Death Are Greatly Exaggerated. For Now.

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You know how you sometimes read obituaries and the primary shock comes from the fact that the person was still alive? That's how I felt when I saw this headline: 

Four Loko Alcoholic Energy Drink to Cease Production: Lisa Madigan

Turns out that the news site, DNAinfo—or possibly Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan—was confused about the terms of the alcopop's latest slide down the greasy pole. Four Loko limps along after all.

The settlement actually allows continued sales of Four Loko, but limits advertising to college students and underage drinkers, including a ban on young-looking models in advertisements. Phusion promises not to suggest that kids mix their product with something caffeinated either. And the company will pay $400,000 to defray the cost of the suit.

The decison was forced by a suit from 20 attorneys general. Let's pause for a name-and-shame: Thanks Massachusetts, New York, Arizona, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, and Washington, plus the city attorney of San Francisco!

Here's Phusion Projects President Jim Sloan:

"While our company did not violate any laws and we disagree with the allegations of the State Attorneys General, we consider this agreement a practical way to move forward and an opportunity to highlight our continued commitment to ensuring that our products are consumed safely and responsibly only by adults 21 and over."

Four Loko hasn't actually been caffeinated since 2010, something Sloan must be damned tired of pointing out by now. It's just a can of not especially high-proof sugary booze, and has been for a good while.

Want to feel especially sad? Here the last pathetic little bit of fight that's left in the company's president:

"Phusion continues to believe, however, as do many people throughout the world, that the combination of alcohol and caffeine can be consumed safely and responsibly," Sloan said.

In honor of this obviously true statement, the next time you stir up an Irish coffee or sip a rum and Coke on a warm night, go ahead and pour one out for the homies. Four Loko might not be dead yet, but it's hard to imagine meddlesome officials will leave this particular horse alone until it's well and truly beaten. 

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  1. I heard if you had dropped Pop Rocks into Four Loko back when it was caffeinated it would have opened up a quantum singularity that would kill anyone college aged or younger. Pass it on.

    1. Pshaw, that’s not true.

      You open up a wormhole and move between alternate Earths with your professor and any other college students caught in the vortex.

      1. Maybe that is what happened to flight 370. To soon?

      2. Where Sisko is dead and Kira is a slut?

  2. Four Loko Alcoholic Energy Drink to Cease Production: Lisa Madigan

    So, where will will get our Lisa Madigan if Four Loko stops producing it?

    1. I don’t know if her Daddy (IL House Speaker and Autocrat, Mike Madigan) has any other lawyer children that need work…

      1. That sounds about right.

  3. The settlement actually allows continued sales of Four Loko, but limits advertising to college students and underage drinkers, including a ban on young-looking models in advertisements.

    *drums fingers on desk, thinking about 1st amendment*

  4. “but limits advertising to college students and underage drinkers”

    Smart of them to advertise only to college students and kids under 21.

    Know your target audience.

    1. Yeah, that’s exactly how I read it.

      Phucking phrasing – how does it work?

      1. Are we doing “phrasing” again?!

  5. Let’s pause for a name-and-shame:

    You can’t be serious. These feculent statists are required to put their sense of shame in a blind trust before filing to run for office. This is a badge of honor for them. Remember when the liberal mantra was “Keep your laws off my body”?

    1. By body they meant womb. At no point have they ever hesitated to support all manner of laws governing personal behavior.

  6. The rest of the world manages to drink Red Bull and Vodka without dying.

    (Oh, there’s a lot of nice moral panic from “drug experts”, some of which might have some basis, about it being somewhat more likely to be bad if you drink yourself absolutely shitfaced or have a heart condition precluding massive caffeine consumption.

    Which makes it exactly no different from Irish Coffee, except it’s new and popular.)

    1. “Which makes it exactly no different from Irish Coffee, except it’s new and popular.)”

      And the more people try to ban it, and the more notoriety it gains, the more popular it will be.

  7. Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Phusion Products in any way

    With that said 4LOKO + 5 hour energy = party like its 2010

    Suck it Slavers

  8. I don’t drink Four Loko anymore, but that is by choice only. After wandering around Downtown Atlanta while drinking from about an hour after you wake up until 5 A.M. will do that to you though. That and the one time I drank it after that I passed out on my bed and spilled half of a can all over myself and decided that my mattress didn’t need any more weird colors than it already had.

    1. Ya my first time trying it and I had the undeniable urge to get arrested for something stupid.

      1. Visited a couple of buddies last Fall who started into the Four Loko early on a Sunday morn. Two hours later I thought I was going to die hanging on for dear life in the back of their pickup while they gave me a ‘ride’ on their property which resembled a giant open field of mud when they were done. I’m pretty sure the damn truck almost flipped but I couldn’t tell mostly because of all the flying debris. Four Loko-fueled madness went down that morning. I can’t say I was surprised having drunk more than my fair share over the years. Don’t drink it anymore because I don’t really have to party like it’s ‘2010’ anymore.

  9. The settlement actually allows continued sales of Four Loko, but limits advertising to college students and underage drinkers, including a ban on young-looking models in advertisements.

    God I hope they do an ad with semi-nude geriatrics partying like spring breakers having their first beer. “Brought to you by the attorneys general of the following states…”

  10. Dude thats liek the craziest thign I ever heard man.

    http://www.EliteVPN.tk

  11. Not as good as Joos Bowl. That one line I keep repeating & laughing at over & over: “Here’s the kickoff…and it’s a high ball.”

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