Obama "Haunted" By Civilian Deaths in Drone Strikes, Boston an Early Adopter of Counterterorrism "Fusion Centers," Taliban Infiltrating Afghan Police: P.M. Links


  • don't need sub-light speed for a forever war
    St. Martin's Press

    In an address on counterterrorism policy today, President Obama said that while the deaths of civilians in drone strikes will haunt him for the rest of his life, the strikes must be compared to alternatives he says are worse.

  • Boston was one of the early adopters of "federal fusion centers" meant to prevent terrorist attacks.
  • Police in Afghanistan are being infiltrated by the Taliban, making it difficult for the U.S. troops charged with training them to trust them.
  • A U.S. district court ruled police need a warrant to use drug dogs in vehicle searches.
  • Indoor marijuana farms as large as football fields can now be zoned in Seattle.
  • Arizona's fetal pain law was struck down by the 9th Circuit, which means it could now be appealed to the Supreme Court.
  • Anti-fluoride activists win at the ballot box in Portland, where they were outspent three to one in challenging the city's decision to fluoridate the water.
  • A 3d-printed windpipe saves a baby's life.

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  1. A U.S. district court ruled police need a warrant to use drug dogs in vehicle searches.

    Judicial rubber stamps to the rescue!

    1. Dunphy will just ask nicely and get people to give him the information he wants illegally.

    2. As I was strolling with Officer Scooby by the parked vehicles, his ears shot up, his jaw dropped as he let out a ‘huh’? I said to him, ‘you know what, Scooby, I think I smell the aroma of skunk weed too. I think we got a little probable cause on our hands, don’t you?

      Yeah, this ruling will keep them in line.

  2. Anti-fluoride activists win at the ballot box in Portland, where they were outspent three to one in challenging the city’s decision to fluoridate the water.

    Drink up!

    1. They won’t have to drink only grain alcohol with distilled water or rain water.

      1. But will they have to answer to the Coca Cola company?

        1. Speaking of that, why don’t towns caffeinate their water?

          1. “Speaking of that, why don’t towns caffeinate their water?”

            Taste? I’d give it a try though.

        2. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

          1. Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.

            1. Sargent Batguano, if that is your real name.

    2. But have they banned chemtrails?

    3. What the hell was the pro-fluoride side spending its money on? I was in Portland a week ago, and I saw anti-fluoride signs, flyers, billboards, etc. on practically every single corner. I saw absolutely nothing advocating in favor of it. It left me wondering if there was anyone there who even supported it at all.

      1. They can add fluoride to their own water.

      2. What the hell was the pro-fluoride side spending its money on?

        free toothpaste giveaways to hipsters?

    4. Liberals were divided — some gave in to their nanny state impulses and voted yes for fluoridation, while others, wanting not one molecule of unnatural additive in the foods and beverages they consume, voted no.

      Meanwhile, the EPA finally admitted fluoridation has risks, and lowered their dosage guidelines, a few decades too late:


      1. “At low intake levels, fluoride has been shown to have therapeutic value in the prevention of dental caries; however, slightly higher levels, particularly in children during the period of enamel
        development can lead to dental fluorosis, a condition in which the enamel covering of the teeth
        fails to crystallize properly. Possible resulting problems include
        enamel defects ranging from
        barely discernable markings to brown stains and surface pitting. Prolonged high intake of fluoride, at any age, can result in skeletal fluorosis, a condition which may increase bone
        brittleness, and in a potential increase in risk of bone fracture. In high-dose cases, severe bone
        abnormalities can develop, crippling
        the affected individual.”

        Thanks, EPA.

  3. A 3d-printed windpipe saves a baby’s life.

    And then he used the Liberator to defend his new airway.

  4. And you thought you had a rough day:

    A Minnesota man discovered what is being called “the most valuable comic book of all time” inside the walls of a home he is remodeling. David Gonzalez says what he found is worth some $100,000. That’s more than 10 times what he says he paid for the house.

    “I knew it was worth money,” Gonzalez told the Star Tribune. “But I had no idea how much.”

    Maybe that’s why he ripped the cover by accident

    1. Gonzalez says he grabbed the comic book from his wife’s aunt amidst the excitement of the great discovery, that he tore the cover.

      You think they were fighting over it?

    2. Price, it’s not what a Minnesota man says it is, it’s what the market will bear.

    3. Funny, but a 5-second web search uncovered 10 comics worth over 280,000 dollars:


  5. Did Andy Kaufman fake his death? Fans insist video shows comedian alive and well in New Mexico

    Read more: http://www.news.com.au/enterta…..z2U9MHixbT

    1. I saw him buying weed from Jimi Hendrix behind the gas station where Elvis works.

      1. Was Tupac there too?

        1. No. Tupac’s dead, dumbass.

    2. That’s nonsense. He lives in the White House. But I’ve said too much.

      1. Uh no. He’s been a talk radio host going by a name that rhymes with Stan Ravage.

        1. No, he’s more, um, prominent. He’ll never reveal the goof, but watch out for Lawler to do something that strongly hints at the truth.

    3. That would be so awesome.

    4. I expect to get a lot of crap for this, but I never found Andy Kaufman to be a bit funny.

      1. Nope, I’ll sign onto that.

      2. His pro wrestling stunts were pretty amusing, but that’s because his personality completely fit into that surreal world.

      3. He mostly dealt in anti-comedy, so he wasn’t supposed to be funny. Most of the actual humor was the way people reacted to him not being funny.

    5. If he did, he lied. Wasnt he supposed to come back in 2000?

  6. Villagarosa, the highest paid mayor in the United States, is broke:
    He has no car and no place to live when he leaves office next month.

    Incidentally, the city he is in charge of is also broke.

    1. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Livin the Keynesian lifestyle.

      1. It was estimated that his new job will need to pay at least $750,000/yr for him to be able to maintain his current lifestyle (trips to Cabo, courtside Lakers tickets, etc…).

        Perfect candidate for governor of CA…

    2. I’m certain he’ll find a nice nest to land in.

      1. He seems perfect for that rat’s nest in DC, where they have no concept of basic finances to begin with.

      2. Or he can crash with one of the embedded local TV reporters he was already in bed with.

    3. Your greed is why Democrats can’t have nice things.

      Did you see what I did there?

    4. Oh, if you don’t get a hat tip for this later, Playa, you got robbed.

      1. I think it will just make its way to 24/7. That way, they don’t have to hat tip anybody..

    1. The UN couldn’t be funnier if it tried.

      1. If I saw that headline without any link to the source, I would assume it was an Onion article.

        Truth is often stranger than fiction…

        1. You should see the countries that get on the human rights committee.

      2. Not too many years ago Libya was elected chair of the UN human rights commission.

          1. Holy Jeebus! How? What??

            WTF? Do they just randomly draw a name out of a hat for which countries get which committees?

            “And the chair for the economic policy committee goes to” *rumages around hat. “GREECE!”

            1. “They’ve been waiting patiently since the dawn of civilization. It’s their turn.”

            2. The UN tries to be very non-judgmental, except when it comes to America and Israel, of course.

  7. The hottest trend in TV is ?Virgins?

    1. Just because you’ve never found anybody to have sex with you doesn’t mean it’s a trend.

      1. Is someone with a sex robot a technical virgin?

  8. You’re dead to me, Suderman

    1. Is that the same Suderman who reviewed Hangover III?

      1. Indeed.

      2. Maybe H3 damaged his brain?

        Or maybe he reviewed F&F6; on the basis it’s a dumb summer action movie?

    2. 130 minutes? For a Fast and Furious movie?

      1. That’s not fast enough.

    3. Fast & Furious 6 is now Certified Fresh at 76% with 83 reviews.

  9. In an address on counterterrorism policy today, President Obama said that while the deaths of civilians in drone strikes will haunt him for the rest of his life…

    Haunt him all the way to the bank!

    1. …the strikes must be compared to alternatives he says are worse.

      Having a domestic terrorist attack stain his anti-terror cred.

    2. Hey, as long as he feels bad about it. That’s what counts.

      I’m going to use that defense if I’m ever caught. Those banks I robbed, and those nuns I kidnapped will haunt me for the rest of my life. Now can I get my nobel prize as well?

  10. Mounties 140 Years Old, still getting their man.

    1. I’d be pretty embarrassed to be caught by a 140-year-old LEO.

  11. We are rapidly closing in on the 10th anniversary of my own Longtorso’ed blog, The Limited Modified Hangout, first post June 5, 2003.

      1. Yes. Actually, it’s more of a scratchpad than a blog. Mostly article quotes, for when I’d be thinking “I know I read article X, but can’t remember where to find it again”.

  12. Let’s see … US out of Afghanistan and the UN *simultaneously*!

    1. I missed the declarations of war on Somalia, Yemen, Libya and Pakistan that made it okay to launch military strikes on them.

  13. Sorry I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been busy as hell at my new job.

    But not as busy as the two Stamford, CT cops that got a vacation with pay for having an inappropriate relationship with a 16-year old girl.

    Don’t worry, though. Unlike a schoolteacher that engages in the same behavior, these mens’ acts aren’t being treated as criminal in nature and their names aren’t being released out of respect for their privacy.

    1. I’m sure Dunphy will come along soon to tell us this “privacy” was negotiated in their contract.


    2. FTA: Fontneau declined to name the officers, but said the behavior alleged was not criminal in nature. He said he would be able to go into further detail about the allegations when the investigation was completed, which should be soon.
      A police official, who did not want to be named, said the allegations involve the officers “dating” the girl, though it was not known if the two had sex with her. The investigation plans to delve into that aspect of the relationship, the official said.

      They treat all investigations into pederasty by non-cops in positions of authority exactly the same way as this. Yesiree, they sure do!

      1. A possible twist:

        “In most instances, someone older having a sexual relationship with a person age 16 is not a criminal offense. Sixteen is the age of consent in Connecticut, when one can legally agree to have sex. [repetitive redundancy alert – EvH]

        “State statutes, however, make it a criminal offense for a school employee or coach to have sex with a student under the age of 18. It is also a felony to be over 20 years of age and have sex with someone under 18 while being in *a position of power, authority or supervision over the younger person.*” [emphasis added – EvH]

        1. If police officers in general aren’t in a position of power over a younger person or anyone else, then who is?

  14. This might be a problem.
    Fracking could ruin German beer industry, brewers tell Angela Merkel

    1. Oh fuck off.

    2. Krayewski! Remove Archduke Bringdown’s hat tip from the next article!

    3. It’s not like it’s that good anyway.

    4. Do not frack with the Reinheitsgebot.

    5. Do not frack with the Reinheitsgebot.

    1. Remarkably understandable for Herc

  15. I’m glad the President finally acknowledged that American citizens deserve some form of due process. But I still have concerns over whether flash cards and PowerPoint presentations represent due process; my preference would be to try accused U.S. citizens for treason in a court of law.


    1. That’s a lovely quote. Nice zinger, Ron.

      1. Rand.

          1. Somebody in the elevator was talking about his defense of Apple this morning, and he called him Paul Rand. I let it slide, but I think I got Reason a new reader.

          2. Then your name shall be Rand Paul Muad’dib.

            1. He passed the gom jabbar.

            2. Speaking of…there may be Mentats in our near future.


    2. Pretty sure PowerPoint presentations are actually a form of torture, matter of fact.

      1. they don’t call it “Death by powerpoint” for nothing!

      1. I posted it in the other thread

        1. I posted great comments on the other thread but you don’t hear me crying for recognition. (But really I should be recognized.)

          1. You get FIRST! all the time. Isn’t that enough?

          2. i hate you. satisfied?

            1. FOE, i really love you

    3. Well, he’s wrong. The due process restrictions in the 6th Amendment are on GOVERNMENT, not on citizens, and they do not exempt the government from due process requirements when the accused is a non-citizen.

      The 6th Amendment was an attempt by quasi-libertarian rebels to codify a humane government, one that couldn’t imprison people at will without formal charges and a public trial by jury.

  16. McDonald’s has created its highest calorie menu item ever – the Mega Potato.

    Anyone else remember Dino-sized fries when Jurassic Park came out?

    1. If they are advertising it as “perfect for sharing” I don’t think it is surprising that it’s really high calorie. Every restaurant with shared appetizer plates have some super high calorie options.

    2. So what? Is there anyone in the world that thinks that McDonalds is the place to go when you want some really healthy food to eat? No. It’s where you go when you want some cheap greasy food quickly. And 2 large McD’s fries is still pretty small compared to a large thing of fries from a Belgian frite shop.

    3. Chips? WTF are chips?

      1. No, that’s all wrong. Should be “since when does McDonalds sell chips”.

      2. Chips are delicious thin slices of potatoes deep fried to a crisp and salted.

    4. If I wanted a lot of calories for few dollars (my normal criterion for food value), I’d go with the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr:

      1,000 calories (480 calories from fat)
      54g of fat (24g saturated fat)
      1840mg of sodium
      145mg of cholesterol

      Just to spite Nanny Bloomberg, I’d top it off with a 30 ounce Coke for another 250 calories, and a Chili Cheese Fries (810 calories).


    1. Should read “Germany was most popular of 16 countries listed on the poll”.

    2. I love how they list the EU as a country and with 49% positivity.

  17. Police in Afghanistan are being infiltrated by the Taliban, making it difficult for the U.S. troops charged with training them to trust them.

    U.S. troops should stop resisting.

  18. http://oabs.org/ondemand/class…..hrasherTed

    This is way too good if you’ve got the time, Windows Media Player, and inclination to watch an entire semester’s worth of Christian Evidence material provided by the Online Academy of Biblical Studies.

    1. I’m pretty sure that would be considered a form of torture.

      1. If you can watch the videos, they’re hilarious as online students continually interrupt the instructor to bring up inane trivia that the instructors don’t really want to hear about.

  19. Oh cable companies, why are you so stupid?

    My previous cable company increased my bill by $40 when my introductory period ended. I called and talked with them, they said there wasn’t any options to lower the bill. A couple of weeks later, I managed to get an introductory offer from their rival company. This was at the same lower price, but added HBO, Starz, and some premium sports channels (e.g. NFL Network). I called my company to tell them I wanted to disconnect my service, and they talked to me for a few minutes before saying they couldn’t lower their rate at all. I said that was fine, I was disconnecting and switching to their competitor (effective today).

    Today I stayed home in the morning to allow the new company to come in and set up, then I returned my old TiVo, etc to my old company’s drop-off. This afternoon I’ve gotten 2 phone calls, a voicemail, and an email from my old company telling me about some ‘special promotional offers’ that I might be eligible for and they’d like to talk about keeping me as a client.

    1. I switched to FiOS. Fuck the cable company. Fuck the phone company, too, but at least we stopped putting up with one near-monopolist’s shit.

      1. I actually wasn’t upset with the service of the old one (RCN). But if I can save $40 a month I’m going to. Especially if it adds HBO and Thursday Night Football.

        I am not sure why this was hard for the people at RCN to understand.

        1. Weird, and I usually have good experiences with RCN. I only mildly bitched once about the internet being down for a couple hours during the workday and they gave me half-price HBO for a year.

          1. I really wouldn’t say this was a ‘bad’ experience. But I found it funny how they decided to actually start offering me a cheaper rate only after I’ve already canceled and returned everything.

            1. Yeah, that’s definitely stupid. Also, re: your landline comment below–I have a “triple play” thingy, and when I went from the introductory rate several years ago to the full pound-me-in-the-ass price, I was like, you know I actually don’t need the cable, I only need the phone and internet (I know, it’s weird to need the phone, but I do), and they’re like “oh, that would be more expensive actually.”

              How is the fucking TV not the most expensive part of the package? Whatever. It means I get cable even though I don’t really care about it, and I do watch it sometimes.

        2. I switched from TWC to FIOS and I got the same “offers” after I left. I asked them if they could give me the same 150mbps internet connection as FIOS Quantum, and they hung up on me…

          1. We got TWC internet when we moved a few weeks ago.* The dude that set me up with it actually told me that the 20 mbps plan was gonna be just fine for me and that I didn’t need to spend $10 a month more for the 30 mbps service level. Within 72 hours, I had called them 3 times due to outages and slow connection speeds. It’s been fine for the last week, but they got off to a rocky start.

            *We’re in Yucaipa now, so whenever any of the SoCal reasonoids are ready, we’re game to come in for a baseball game, a night out on the town or whatever. I can make the drive in most any night.

            1. Im in.
              I heard Alex Kozinski lives halfway between me and EDG reppin LBC. Should we try to kidnap him for baseball and beer?

          2. How do you like quantum? We just have regular FiOS, and it seems to meet our needs most of the time, unless I’m torrenting and the roommate and I are both streaming video at the same time (which doesn’t happen that often).

            1. Eh, don’t really need it. I just did it because I got into a technology arms race with my brother, and I won because they don’t have the 150mbps quantum in his neighborhood yet.

              To take advantage of Quantum on a laptop, you pretty much have to put a wireless N access point in every room. You can’t make use of the full bandwidth if your wireless signal is going through walls and such…

              It is pretty awesome to download a movie from usenet in less than a minute, but it isn’t exactly what I would consider “necessary”…

        3. When I moved back down here from Columbus, I had a most entertaining dialogue with U-Haul and Ryder, where one would make an offer, and the other would undercut that offer. It happened like six times–I was amazed and got the price down to less than 60% of what it initially was.

          1. They at one point asked “Is there anything we can do to keep you?”

            My response was “Yeah, give me the same package for the same price.”

            1. Oh, and also “Do you don’t need to include the phone because I’m never going to use the landline anyway.”

              1. Someday, we’ll actually have competition in such things. Someday.

        4. If you have an unemployed family member, have them go work for Dish Network. Their employees get every channel, a hopper and internet for 8 bucks a month, and they will have the Longhorn Network before next football season.

    2. Just wait until 6 months later when they start calling you to return your equipment that you already returned. Then the living hell truly begins.

      Oh, and fuck Comcast. It can never be said enough. I get all of my TV from Amazon, Netflix, and Hulu.

      1. You don’t watch sports then. The only reason most of us have cable.

        1. Yes, I have no interest in watching dudes in spandex chase a ball around.

          1. What, are you gay? Or are we? Wait a second.

          2. Yes, I have no interest in watching dudes in spandex chase a ball around.


            /hockey fan

            1. Hockey is the gayest sport, with dudes ice skating and hugging one another all of the time. If it were manly, they’d beat each other with those sticks.

              1. You know… they do touch each other on the face a lot.

                1. And they have some perverting icing ritual.

                  1. Perverted and perverting.

              2. Isn’t there a trophy for the NHL player with the shiniest skates?

                1. Well, they have some sort of Manly Cup they all covet.

          3. dudes in spandex chase a ball around

            I don’t know what you were watching, but I don’t think it was a sport.

      2. Just wait until 6 months later when they start calling you to return your equipment that you already returned

        Or calling and visiting looking for the equipment the previous occupant never returned. I had to laugh when the guy at the door said he was going to call the cops on me for theft if I didn’t let him into the house to get the equipment.

      3. I made a point to keep the receipt they gave me for dropping it off.

      4. I’m going to have Comcast for my internet. They are who I want anyway, because they are the fastest show in town. my TV will be DirecTV (mostly for NFL Sunday Ticket). I could probably get rid of TV and stick with the services you mentioned if it wasn’t for sports.

    3. I’ve never understood why the big cable companies didn’t drop on-demand movie pricing to a dollar each long ago, and drive Blockbuster, Hollywood, and NetFlix out of business. The incremental cost of sending another video digitally is barely over the cost of the licensing rights. Why does Time Warner need to charge 5 bucks, when Netflix can ship 3 DVDs at a time for 15 bucks a month. As a consumer, if I could get the same movie cheaper, and instantly, why would I drive across town?

  20. the center in Massachusetts, an early adopter of the intelligence-gathering program, failed to stop the two accused Boston Marathon bombers. Indeed, in the run-up to the attack, officials acknowledged that the left arm of the law didn’t know what the right arm was doing.

    Obviously, it must be made larger and more powerful.

    1. This was the strategy after 9/11. The bureaucracy made it so hard to share info that we have to invent a cabinet department to create more desks on which vital information can be lost!

    2. Effective fusion is always ten to twenty years away.

  21. Fannie Mae common stock up 400% to $2 after paying the Treasury over $90 billion in dividends.


    As I predicted back in 2009 the earnings on the GSEs will be amazing. Why people are buying the common is a mystery since the Government can decide to hang on to the company in perpetuity.

    1. As I predicted back in 2009


    2. Taxpayers loaned the GSEs $180B. And apparently that $95B is not going toward repayment of rescue funding – WTF?

      1. Yeah it is. But even when fully paid the Treasury will still own both GSEs since the dividends have been rightfully appropriated to repay Uncle Sam.

    3. $51B of that Q1 net income is a one-time tax benefit.

      Apparently the deal w/ the GSEs was a 10% dividend forever w/o the option of buying out the Government’s preferred shares.

      1. Thus the mystery of why huge buying is going on in the common.

  22. Any suggestions for a five year wedding anniversary gift? Nothing disgusting, so certain commenters (you know who you are) need not reply.

    1. A sword. With some sweet poetry etched into the blade.

      1. Maybe a wooden sword, a la Zelda.

        1. +1 Triforce

    2. I guess that rules out a romantic weekend at Warty’s B&B.

      1. I guess that rules out a romantic weekend at Warty’s B&B.

        On the plus side, you can buy the video from him later for their 10th anniversary gift.

    3. You’re no fun

    4. Didn’t one of the editors write a book?

    5. *begins whistling and walks away*

    6. Set a low bar. It makes it easier to exceed it later.

      1. Excellent point. I’m gonna have to keep topping myself every five years, so best take it slow.

    7. i think traditionally, the 5 year gift is made out of wood. so a log I guess.

        1. she’s gonna love it, log!

          1. It’s Big!

            1. It’s Heavy!

              1. It’s Wood!

                1. It’s better than bad!

                2. It’s better than bad it’s good!

                  1. And made of Wood!

        2. All wives love log!

          1. Morning wood.

      1. What luck! I still have part of the trunk of the tree that fell on our house during Ike, and that was almost five years ago. It’s a bit rotten and full of ants, but it will totally bookend the marriage!

        1. Make her a baseball bat and put “Wonderboy” on it. You know, in honor of that horrible fucking movie that ruined a great book.

          1. The natural solution.

      2. Wood or silverware. Or you could combine the two and get a fully stocked knife block.

        1. Please only get her knives if she likes to cook. I got a knife once for my birthday and someone almost got stabbed with it.

          1. See? Even if she doesn’t like to cook, it’s still useful!

            1. It was totally a “present for the giver, not the receiver” thing too. “I don’t like our chef’s knife, I wish it was shorter.” “I’m fine with it.” … “Look, a shorter chef’s knife for your birthday, just like I wanted!”

              1. Hmm. I’d get stabbed for that, too. But I gave the wife a shorter chef’s knife because she wanted it. I want a bigger one.

                Although I may be fine now that I have a 14 in butcher knife. I’ll have to see when football season rolls around.

              2. My friend gave me a crepe pan for my birthday so I would make her crepes. She has still not had crepes, but our extended friend group has loved them.

                If she doesn’t like the Shun knife set you can always send it to me. I will get plenty of use out of it.

    8. Oral sex?

    9. Dinner at her favorite place; roses; and some trinket for her to wear.

      1. Yep.

    10. The traditional 5th anniversy gift is wood. If you like the couple, get them a butcher block. If you don’t like them, give them a bunch of sawdust.

      1. the mob has spoken. log it is.

      2. Wood means the euphemistic wood, not the cellulose product.

    11. Gift card to Outhouse Steakback.

    12. Machine gun. That’s what I’d want.

    13. Holy crap, thanks for reminding me. Today is my 15th…

      1. hmm… traditionally that’s crystal. I’d go with meth

        1. Nah, we’re going away this weekend.

          1. Well congrats to you! Mine is still a couple weeks away, but I’m actually (gasp) planning ahead.

            1. I don’t bother anymore. Since ours is so close to Memorial Day weekend we’ve just been taking trips for the last 6 or 7 years. She’s good with that.

            2. Mine is still a couple weeks away, but I’m actually (gasp) planning ahead.

              Your ManCard? has been deducted 5 points. Any further deductions may result in termination of your ManCard?.

          2. You have to get away from work sometimes.

      2. “You have twenty seconds to comply.”

    14. Silverware is appropriate for a 5th Anniversary (this is America, dammit!). I’d suggest a set of Laguiole knives. I’ve been giving them for wedding and anniversary gifts for years and they never cease to impress.

      Here you go.

      1. My mother-in-law got us silverware last xmas because she was unimpressed with our motley assortment. I was quite sad to see it was the 5th anniversary gift instead of the 4th, when it would’ve been of some use to me.

        1. Don’t buy serrated ones, by the way. Serrated knives are for pikers.

          1. Or for people who ever cut bread.

          2. Bread and tomato knives are acceptable to be serrated. Not steak knives, not ever.

            1. Yes, and I was referring to steak knives in my post.

              A serrated tomato knife is an abomination before the eyes of God. A serrated bread knife is obviously acceptable.

    15. A finely engraved Derringer with a garter holster.

    16. Considering the tradition is wood, a knick-knack or a plaque representing something she’s into might be okay.

      Other than that, a nice dinner always works.

  23. Indoor marijuana farms as large as football fields can now be zoned in Seattle.

    Indoor? The Seahawks are going to be jealous.

    1. They’ve finally got a elite team; I think the Seahawks should be more concerned with winning that first World Championship.

      1. Amazing how the NFC West went from laughing stock to stud division in a few years.

        8-8 was the division winner not long ago.

        1. Yeah, if Carson Palmer can bring a spark to the Cardinals and whatever’s retarding Sam Bradford’s development finally ends, then that division is going to be good across the board.

          1. whatever’s retarding Sam Bradford’s development

            is the fact that they use a play book. OU alums don’t read books. They need to call it something else, like a play list. Also, Jeff Fisher is a terrible coach and a racist.

        2. Have you ever gotten anything right?

    1. I’ve never wanted to punch a woman.

  24. Nancy Pelosi blames Booooosssshhhhh for IRS scandal.

    1. If it satisfies Democrats, then yes, it was mistake for Bush to appoint Douglas Shulman.

      But it doesn’t necessarily quiet concerns over whether the IRS acted under orders from the Obama White House. The last time I checked, Obama was Shulman’s boss in 2010.

      1. That’ll teach Republicans not to appoint Democrats!

    2. In other news, the sun rose today.

      1. Conservatives need to own Bush eventually.

        “Yes, we fucked the USA in the ass 2001-09. We apologize for a needless trillion dollar war, trillion $$ deficits, and the financial meltdown of your lifetime.

        Now let’s move on.”

        That simple.

        1. Funny that, I’m not a conservative.

          1. Ahh, Scruffy. Nubtard there still hasn’t figured out that this isn’t a conservative blog. Doubt he ever will.

            1. He knows we all love Bush and Jesus (in that order) in our hearts.

            2. This is not intended to be a conservative blog but for some reason the Bush apologists are legion here.

              1. Really? I see a lot of people telling you to STFU about Bush because nothing he did excuses Obama’s mendacity and incompetence in the slightest. How that’s apologizing for Bush escapes me, but then I’m not retarded.

                Also, Obama was President for most of 2009 and his signature was on the FY2009 budget. That year’s on him.

              2. Forgive him. He shat his pants when he saw the Nikkei this morning and now that the US market is closed he is letting loose a little bit.

    3. How did The Onion hack HufflePuff?

      1. They don’t need to.

  25. Now this is a good use of 911.

    A Sacramento man arrested for calling 911 more than 100 times in the last month — because he believes his body is controlled by satellites — says he won’t stop until lawmakers launch an investigation.

    “My brain, I can feel it starting. I’m blasted by the signals, every couple of minutes,” Jimmy Shao told CBS Sacramento. “I yell and I scream, ‘Stop it, I don’t need this,’ but they never listen.”

    1. Art Bell would listen.

    2. So that’s where Herc disappeared to

      1. I figured he couldn’t figure out registration.

    3. I wonder how many people would have to start doing that for someone to actually launch an investigation?

    4. When this guy kills someone, be prepared for the chorus of voices blaming it on Reagan.

  26. Time for another example of the Love and Respect from that wellspring of progressive Love and Respect that we’ve all come to Love and Respect:

    But one middle-aged gentleman on Twitter, a man who at his age should really know better, finally came up with something that he believes feminists are wrong about: sexual harassment. Of course, in the grand tradition of creepy dudes everywhere, he was still arguing in bad faith, and pretended that sexually harassing women is sincere, if clueless flirting. He stood up for the male?.wait for it?.privilege to say whatever you want to any woman and have it interpreted, no matter how obviously it was creepy, as generously as possible. The right to corner women in elevators to creep them out, which is apparently the most sacred right ever concocted by a non-existent god to show how much he loved men more than women, is and always will be about what this multi-year meltdown of misogynists in the skeptic movement will be about. That, and really nothing else.

    Gee, Amanduh sure is good at really figuring out what goes on in the brains of white, Christian, male Republicans. (At least, I assume that’s who she’s on about.)

    1. Yeah, it’s the “misogynists” in the skeptic movement that are having a meltdown.

    2. Worse. The elevator thing was at an atheist conference, IIRC.

      1. And the “creepy” elevator thing was asking a woman in the elevator if she wanted to have a cup of coffee in his room. WILL SEXIST OPPRESSION NEVER END??I?

  27. Our own Hazel Meade’s excellent comment regarding healthcare, featured on Marginal Revolution:

    The banning of catastrophic-only plans infuriates me the most. Those are the only plans that are actually financially sensible for a healthy individual to purchase. Everything else on the market is a perverse by-product of the employer-based insurance system.

    Worst case scenario with a catastrophic-only plan is you end up with $10,000 in debt. That’s a debt load many times smaller than what the Federal government thinks students should take out to get a college degree. We’ll let you borrow $100,000 to get a sociology degree but, we think that $10,000 is an unconscionable amount to pay for medical expenses? So unconscionable that we have to FORCE YOU to buy a plan with more extensive coverage?

    Of course, we all know the real reason for this. it’s meant to force healthy young people to subsidize healthcare for older sicker people. Just force them to pay more for insurance than they ought to, and force them to buy more extensive coverage than is rational.

    1. I couldn’t agree more.

      1. Yup. It’s the main reason I have no insurance.

    2. Nice, as usual (pace gun ownership insurance comments).

      1. I swear this worthless comment wasn’t here when I was typing mine!

    3. And yet Hazel wants to compel people to buy liability insurance if they own a gun.

      1. Re: Ted S,

        And yet Hazel wants to compel people to buy liability insurance if they own a gun.

        That’s probably because he already invested in the LLC to sell gun insurance.

        1. When did Hazel Meade become a he?

  28. English girl beaten for looking like Taylor Swift.

    I’m sure the real Taylor will turn this into a song. Oh, and incidentally I have a coworker that does bear an uncanny resemblance to Taylor Swift, so maybe it is not that uncommon?

    1. Obviously you need to beat the shit out of your coworker. :-p

    2. Of all the stupid reasons for assaulting some, that is at the top.

    1. I got some dishes need cleanin’

    2. I think it has more to do with the fact that she looks high maintenance. The perfectly plucked eyebrows, immaculate nails, designer clothes, etc… As an employer, it raises the red flag, this woman is going to be a problem somehow, someway.

      1. This. She’s obviously incredibly self-absorbed. “I wanted the men to recognize my achievements and professionalism” Only a narcissist would think this is a realistic expectation. People with a modicum of humility realize that everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves to recognize anyone else.

    3. Hate to break it to you honey, but you’re not that good looking.

      1. “It’s not my fault… I can’t help the way I look.”

      2. Boy, are you picky. Maybe she just needed to dress down a bit for work. Get some ugly glasses.

    4. Fernee’s parents are currently paying her ?2,000-per-month rent and bills as well as for her new designer clothes and handbags.

      Well shit, if that is Plan B, I might not work either.

      Also, I mean, she is good-looking, but seriously, too pretty to work? I don’t think so. Maybe if you were Danaerys Targaryen blinding people with your silver hair and shit.

      1. She lives in the UK, take that into consideration when you judge her looks. Compare her to Samantha Brick.

        1. If she’s too pretty to find a job I can only assume the Brits like their women like they like their food, rubbery and tasteless.

      2. No kidding. When I clicked the link I was expecting Aphrodite levels of physical perfection, not a better than average mall rat.

        1. Attention whore gotta whore.

          A) As stated a few times now, she’s really not THAT pretty.
          B) Look at how done up she is. All you need to do is look up pictures of celebrities without makeup to know that she looks as good as she does because SHE WANTS TO. If she really didn’t want all the attention, she wouldn’t spend 3 hours a day plucking and painting.

      3. I think that’s more than Dr. Girlfriend and I pay for our mortgage and car payments combined. On twenty acres with two German cars.

    5. Somebody said it before, but I’ll say it again: She looks like Michael Jackson.

    6. “It’s not my fault… I can’t help the way I look.”

      Not true.
      See Maddow, Rachel

    7. Still looks like Michael Jackson.

    8. The abridged title of the youtube video embedded in the story:

      ‘Too pretty to work’ Laura describes the trauma…

      Fuck off.

    9. Yeah, actually you can change the way you look. Use no makeup and stop buying designer clothes and handbags and people might judge you less on your appearance.

    10. “I’m just too naturally pretty to work.”

      :spends three hours applying makeup:

  29. At the end of tonight, we’ll know if I’m a lot closer to my “Red Wings-Sharks” Western Conference Final series I was so roundly ridiculed on here for.

    1. You’re expecting Joe Thornton to perform for another 3 games?

      1. No, and I may ultimately end up being wrong. But if I am, it’ll be by the narrowest of margins, and I caught a lot of shit when I made the prediction.

        Hell, I hope the Kings make it to the WCF to play the Wings. I don’t feel like driving all the way to San Jose (ba ba bah bah ba) with an octopus in my pocket.

    2. Sharks aren’t getting past the Kings.

    3. Never. The Hawks will pull this one out.

    1. I’m scared to look.

    2. Featuring less nudity than the show?

    3. The sex in Girls is often rather unsexy, and for a good reason ? it’s doing the important work of that demystifying the imperative of the liberated woman to “go forth and have great sex.” Intercourse (and everything that leads up to it) is often much more fraught with complications than it’s made out to be in the media. … Therefore, there’s something fairly confounding about turning Girls into a porn, since porn is by definition meant to be sexy, enjoyable, entertaining, arousing, etc. It’s not meant to invite critical thinking or open up a discourse.

      Everything gets turned into a porn. Nothing confounding about that.

      THERE’S FUCKING RENO 911 PORN, PEOPLE. And it’s good. I mean, as in hysterically funny.

      1. Wasn’t there a really well-developed Star Trek porn (good CGI effects, good actors, a Star Trek-like plot) a while back? I remember reading something about it.

        1. I don’t know, and I can’t believe I don’t. I’ll have to investigate when my man gets home.

        2. I don’t know about good actors, but there is one out there. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find if you really want to see it.

      2. The sex in Girls is often rather unsexy, and for a good reason

        You mean it was done that way on purpose?

    1. Probably a good time to post this

    2. Roy and Seth Jones. This could be a dynasty.

    3. He’ll be fired halfway through the 2014-2015 season

    4. The Avs have pretty much sucked ever since the salary cap went into place because the brass doesn’t know how to prioritize spending.

      It’s not about the coaching, it’s about the talent they have, and Seth Jones isn’t going to be the savior. There’s no Sakic/Forsberg combination walking through that door anytime soon.

      1. Have you seen Seth Jones? He’s the best prospect since Crosby. He will be the Tiger Woods of hockey. Landeskog is a stud, and Duchene is good enough to be the 3rd best player on a dynasty. If they can find a goalie who can get hot in the playoffs, they could be better than the Sakic/Forsberg teams.

        1. Sorry, not happening. Jones is a defenseman, and while he’s a good one, the Avs need a lot more than just a stud defenseman. Outside of Landeskog and Duchene, they don’t have anyone worth getting scared about.

          This is a team that hasn’t won a playoff series since 2008. Everyone forgets the Quebec Nordiques sucked until they pulled off a Herschel Walker-type heist when they traded Lindros, and used that to build the foundation of their first Stanley Cup team. It’s no accident they haven’t won a Cup ever since arguably the greatest goalie in NHL history retired.

  30. Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face.

  31. Gas just jumped to $1.35/litre.
    That’s over $5/gallon.

    1. What the fuck is a litre? Goddamn communists.

      1. It’s like a liter, which is related to a quart, except that it’s commie.

      2. Litre is French for “Gimme some fucking gas before I break vous fucking lip.”

      3. Farva: Gimme a litre o’ cola.

        Dimpus Burger Guy: What?

        Farva: A litre o’ cola.

        Dimpus Burger Guy: Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?

        Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?

        Farva: I don’t want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o’ cola!

        Dimpus Burger Guy: I don’t know what that is!

        Farva: Litre is French for give me my fuckin’ cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN’ LIP!

    2. Cool story, bro

  32. When Obama says he is “haunted” by his concerns about killing civilians, he just means that like ghosts, the concerns don’t actually exist, but he pretends they do so he can con stupid people into believe he actually cares.

    1. From the Wikipedia entry for Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart”:

      The narrator, however, begins to feel uncomfortable and notices a ringing in his ears. As the ringing grows louder, the narrator comes to the conclusion that it is the heartbeat of the old man coming from under the floorboards. The sound increases steadily, though the officers seem to pay no attention to it. Terrified by the violent beating of the heart, and convinced that the officers are aware of not only the heartbeat, but his guilt as well, the narrator breaks down and confesses. He tells them to tear up the floorboards to reveal the body.

    1. Simplifying a system of measurements weakens the mathematical capabilities of a population.

    2. Ahhh, the metric system, the system for people who suck at fractions.

      Every measurement is either too big or too small. The most egregious is fucking Celsius, where 10 degrees is the difference between needing a light jacket and your face melting off.

  33. Husband stands by wife after she bites his penis during an argument.

    Hill said Sunday was supposed the be a fun night out at the Penn Valley Rodeo. He says the argument followed a series of stressful events in their lives, including the fact Salinas’ ex-husband now lives with them.

    Hill wanted to leave early, she wanted to stay. When they got home, the argument continued. Salinas’ ex-husband tried to separate the two, and when both men went to hold her down, that’s when she allegedly bit his penis.

    1. Probably the three of them vote, too, which explains a lot about why this country is in the shape it is.

    2. Why was that thing out in the open with the ex-husband in the room, though?

  34. “Obama: Increase in Domestic Terrorism Fueled by Internet

    He’s really set the table to get after the 1st amendment from all angles lately hasn’t he? IRS hassling groups about prayers and bullying the assembly of conservative groups, tapping journalists phones and hacking emails for foreign investigations, and now laying the blame for domestic terrorism at the feet of the internet.

    1. What, another YouTube video?

  35. Did somebody else put up a post about the banana-shaped pool table?


    1. Against Green Lanterns? Absolutely.


  36. “Despite bailout, Americans still could buy GM cars made in China”


  37. “Arizona House Non-Prayer Sparks Christian Re-Do

    “An atheist lawmaker’s decision to give the daily prayer at the Arizona House of Representatives triggered a do-over from a Christian lawmaker who said the previous day’s prayer didn’t pass muster….

    “Mendez [the atheist] said he was just looking for a way to convey his own feelings like other members do when they take the rotation giving the daily prayer….

    “On Wednesday, [House Speaker Andy] Tobin [who joined a US Supreme Court brief in defense of legislative prayer] said he had no problem with Mendez’s prayer….

    “Mendez gave the invocation Tuesday while members of the Secular Coalition for Arizona were in the visitors’ gallery. He began his remarks by asking fellow lawmakers not to bow their heads but to instead look around at the other men and women in the room, “sharing together this extraordinary experience of being alive and of dedicating ourselves to working toward improving the lives of the people of our state.””


    1. Ooh, I almost forgot:

      “Republican Rep. *Steve Smith* [emphasis added] on Wednesday said the prayer offered by Democratic Rep. Juan Mendez of Tempe at the beginning of the previous day’s floor session wasn’t a prayer at all. So he asked other members to join him in a second daily prayer in “repentance,” and about half the 60-member body did so.”

    2. Well that gets us all the way to who gives a shit, thanks for sharing.

      1. And thanks for sharing that you don’t care.

    3. He began his remarks by asking fellow lawmakers not to bow their heads but to instead look around at the other men and women in the room, “sharing together this extraordinary experience of being alive and of dedicating ourselves to working toward improving the lives of the people of our state.””


      1. extraordinary experience of being alive

        How is something that literally every person in history has done “extraordinary?”

        1. Given how many sperm cells there have been, “every person in history” is an infitessimal fraction of the potential people that could have been. It’s a miracle any of us were born, really.

          1. It’s a miracle any of us were born, really.

            Well, that and that a generation of porn has trained us to want to shoot the money shot on her face or boobs.

            1. Oh Jesus Christ, those Terrie the former smoker ads are on You Tube now too!

              We get it lady, you’re absolutely hideous. Now stop ruining my evenings by putting your hideous face and cringe inducing voice on my TV every 15 minutes!

        2. Well, compared to the rest of the known universe, life is “extraordinary”.

    4. Mendez [the atheist] said he was just looking for a way to convey his own feelings…

      Okay, hold it right there, buddy. Atheists don’t have “feelings”; feelings are for icky bleefers.

      Atheists have chemical reactions in the brain that they have learned to control by their superior mental power.


  38. The New Republic’s Noam Scheiber comes up with one: “The more we learn about the IRS vetting of conservative groups, the less it looks like an abuse of power than something much more mundane–a beleaguered agency with too few resources to handle its work-load.

    “conservatives have laid the groundwork for a cynical two-step. First, squeeze funding for government programs, making it harder for civil servants to do their jobs. Then, when the inevitable screw-up comes, use it as further justification for cuts.”

    1. Jesus.

      First, it would be awesome if republicans were that smart and this was their actual tactic.

  39. USA Today’s Kirsten Powers:

    There is zero correlation between the political ideology called liberalism and the cascading scandals of the Obama administration. If anything, it’s the opposite: it’s the undeniably illiberal actions of people within the government that has created these crises. To suggest that any of this happened because the government is too big, or even that the aim of liberalism is to make government bigger, is a gross distortion. . . .

    Liberalism is a noble tradition and worldview that is perennially in search of a leader–and these days even followers–worthy of its name. If in any of these situations even one person of influence had adhered to the basic tenets of liberalism–a respect for dissent, free speech, government transparency and liberty–all of these scandals could have been avoided.

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

  40. Liberalism is a noble tradition and worldview that is perennially in search of a leader–and these days even followers–worthy of its name. If in any of these situations even one person of influence had adhered to the basic tenets of liberalism–a respect for dissent, free speech, government transparency and liberty–all of these scandals could have been avoided.

    “If this is Liberalism, then all I can say is that Liberalism is not what it was when I was young.” – H.L. Mencken

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