BREAKING: White House Has Nothing Better to Do Than Dick Around on the Internet

Twitter, Facebook, and now Tumblr? And they'll be making GIFs!

Why are they doing this? What is the point? (Maybe we should be grateful?)

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[Sevo]

"What is the point?"
Why, to spread the word of his AWESOMENESS!

[SweatingGin]

*ahem*, His

[StinkEye]

"What is the point?"

To inundate us with his genius, 1 on 1 without any outside interruption to derail a 24/7 conversation where he is the topic, and center of the universe attention. This way he can blog about his eternal campaigning on the taxpayers dime, and it's deductible as a business function. Oh, and judge some bad-ass porn submitted by his countless legions of groupies, worshipers, and witless minions... Fuck yeah!

[Plisade]

Sequester this, beyotches!

[JellyRev]

sorry kids no tours, instead we will be getting on the web and exploring our dear leader's pics.

[JW]

I eagerly await the Wookie porn.

[Hugh Akston]

I look forward to the gif of him hitting a hole in one at Augusta.

[Pro Libertate]

Just one? That's close to treason, Hugh.

[Brett L]

You have to work up to it. After getting 98% of the vote for his next re-election, he'll start running off Kim Jong-Il style golf scores.

[Hugh Akston]

He would have hit more, but there were obstructionist Republicans standing in front of the other 17 holes.

[Pro Libertate]

I'm surprised he hasn't issued an executive order banning the GOP on national security grounds.

[db]

Golf courses are critical infrastructure to our new crony economy.

[Pro Libertate]

Golf courses with bullet trains between each hole? Brilliant!

[Joe M]

bullet trains

Sounds like eliminationist rhetoric to me.

[Pro Libertate]

No, bullets in the name of environmental justice are good.

[db]

When they go in the back of climate change deniers' heads, they're okey-dokey.

/climatard

[BiMonSciFiCon]

/tony

[db]

I'm seeing a new, dark reboot of Captain Planet here.

*subtitle: "February, 2075"
Camera: street level, homeless people walking around in shorts and no shirts, cloudy, with continuous drizzle. FoV expands to reveal weatherbeaten road sign: "Skyline Drive next right"*

Voiceover:
In a world where every minute is warmer than the next...

*cut to shot of boardroom with board members smoking and doing shady business-y things*

One man stands between climate annihilation and climate justice

*A waiter in the boardroom reaches into his jacket, drawing two handguns. He steps behind the man at the head of the boardroom table and raises one pistol level with his head. Shocked reaction from the crowd as the angle changes to top view, as the gun fires in slow motion, the victim's head just out of view.*

"A man who has had to settle all his life. He came to settle a score. Now, the science is settled."

*break to action scene of Captain Planet in gun battle in boardroom, then silence*

Captain Planet: "Here's to your silent spring, motherfuckers."

"Captain Planet: The Dark Green Knight Descends in theaters this April."

[jesse.in.mb]

I take it you haven't seen the funny or die video:
Don Cheadle as Captain Planet?

[db]

Affirmative.

[ThomasD]

Arson, bombing, and baby killing too!

[Scarecrow Repair]

*ecronomy*

A veritable new word.

I swear I thought that's why you typed.

[db]

Necronomy?

[db]

Necronomy?

[?J?? de ?guila]

Fearless leader will be fine as long as he doesn't invite Dan Quayle to the links.

[Kaptious Kristen]

The cult of personality roles on....

[LTC(ret) John]

I think that I see that you did something there... on purpose?

[Generic Stranger]

Is this really worthy of being a "BREAKING" news story?

I thought those were reserved for events that actually mattered.

[Brett L]

I think the "BREAKING" is used ironically here.

[Generic Stranger]

Ah. I seem to have forgotten to adjust my irony detector.

[Mike Riggs]

It's a reference to the "Breaking" tag in the White House tweet.

[Generic Stranger]

I stopped reading after I saw "@whitehouse".

[GILMORE]

Its a post-post-modern-neuveax snarking double entendre suggesting that in this trivial gesture of desperation to remain 'connected' with their percieved fanbase, the administration is in fact revealing their utter desperation and discconnection with reality, because we all know government should be allocating equal time and resources to staying hip and relevant with the kiddies as they do smuggle guns to jihadis or gin up more excuses for reasons we should waste lives money and credibility sticking our dirty fingers in everyone elses shit.

breaking. soon to be broken. stay tuned.

[Brett L]

Riggs, you sound like Adm. Stockdale at the '92 Veep debate. "Who are they? Why are they here? Get off my lawn!" (With apologies to one of the bravest Americans of all time who just had a bad night.)

[db]

They already spend half their time posting here...

[An0nB0t]

JUG EARS has a metaphysical RIGHT to

GAMBOL

across the PLAIN! Ayn Rand's West Point speech! Rothbard and evicting the homeless. Blearghhh!

***

My God, but you might be onto something, db.

[?J?? de ?guila]

Isn't JUG EARS Mr Thompson?

[Bardas Phocas]

The White house calligraphy squad and the social media team, working in conjunction with the glory hole working party and the Tiger Posse! are on the job, fullfilling our God-Emperor's need for adulation.
Bow peasants!

[GILMORE]

my liege!

[Broseph of Invention]

If they end up on Instagram, I suggest they use the MSNBC filter for all their photos.

[Andrew S.]

They'll fit right in with the Tumblr social justice warriors.

[BakedPenguin]

I'd be okay with all this if they had a Joe Biden gif of him doing something like this.

[SweatingGin]

If they're on tumblr, does that mean they'll start saying "problematic" and patriarchy and microagression all the time, too?

The sequester is problematic because it's a tool of the patriarchy, and any discussion of that is microagressing.

[Andrew S.]

Check your privilege, shitlord. I'm triggered by your discussion. So are the wolf and the dragon that share my headspace.

[SweatingGin]

STOP OTHERING ME!

[jesse.in.mb]

I don't understand this, where is there space for aggrieved text in between the pictures of naked people on tumblr?

[Rasilio]

Are you saying you want to see Rob Stark and Danaerys Targaeron get it on?

[generic Brand]

Isn't everyone saying that? Assuming we can substitute Tyrion's girl with Rob Stark.

[Brett L]

What I want to know is if nobody [SPOILER] John Snow with an obsidian knife, does it allow him to [SPOILER] based on what we know about the thing that led Bran to the [SPOILER]. For people who are caught up on the books, only.

[BiMonSciFiCon]

Um... yes?

[Skip]

Its a given that all future Democratic Presidents are going to overdo the talk show circuit like Obama does. They don't care about quaint 20th century things like "respect for the office" and it has proven to help them with re-election.

[Ted S.]

Politicians don't deserve any respect.

[jesse.in.mb]

Sequester these people. All of them.

It's early, but this is in the running for alt-text of the day.

[Hugh Akston]

When will the White House start a DeviantArt account? The time for Joe Biden/Sonic the Hedgehog furry pr0n is Now!

[jesse.in.mb]

As long as the hedgehog is on top it could be ok.

[Joe M]

Yesterday I was introduced to the bizarre world of vore.

[jesse.in.mb]

You need to bring that up when itsnotmeitsyou, Counterfly and at least one lady-libertarian is present to actually start a massive fetish thread. Bonus points if you have AD, HM and John there.

[jesse.in.mb]

Also, nobody needs to be exposed to vore. Please never bring it up again.

[GILMORE]

i dont even want to know.

im perfectly happy with lesbian strap on rape. its more than enough. but nooooo.... we live in the modern world, and of course some idiot has to go out and get himself fucked in the ass by a horse and die. people these days make the satyricon look like an entry-level primer. kids are so fucked. i relished a Playboy stashed under the bed. they have 3D real time circlejerks on twitttubbler with transsexual eskimos. i feel like what norman mailer said about hippies and 'free love' = "they're ruining sex for me. it used to be dirty."

[wheelock]

Dammit. I just had to go and google that didn't I? Wtf...

[Paul.]

DeviantArt is so crowded, no one goes there anymore.

[GILMORE]

rape manga is so 2005

[The Late P Brooks]

Self-promotion is the single most important government function.

[brodyc]

Hey, here's a silver lining. More time on the internet means less time messing up the country.

[GILMORE]

you'd think so, but they're totally like crowdsourcing the country-fucking while they multitask between tweets drone-killin sending sarin shells from libya to syria and posting photos of sweet golf shots by teh Bamanator

[db]

Honestly, after 4+ years of this, aren't these people a little bit embarrassed over their retarded fanboi act for this guy? It's like they've been pining for someone to fill the hole that New Kids on the Block left so many years ago.

[Sevo]

db| 4.26.13 @ 4:27PM |#
"Honestly, after 4+ years of this, aren't these people a little bit embarrassed"...

Ha!
I'll bet you think a dog in a funny hat is capable of embarrassment!
Well, that's what we're looking at here.

[plusafdotcom]

If this weren't on my nickel, I wouldn't mind... it might keep them busy doing innoccuous stuff, rather than what they usually do on a regular basis.

But, like the White House Group at Linked In, you can only post subjects that are in support of O's policies and when they post a subject asking for feedback, you can bet your next tax bill that they won't pay any attention to it!

Disgusting.