TSA

Covered at Reason 24/7: Medical Test Sends TSA Swarming Chicago Train

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Reason 24/7

After a train bombing in Madrid, the Transportation Security Administration created teams with the Bond villain-ish name of VIPR (Visible Intermodal Prevention and Response) to keep us safe from doers of bad deeds as we travel the nation's … umm … everything, since the TSA claims jurisdiction over "all modes of transportation nationwide." Last week, VIPR agents wielding hand-held nuclear-detection devices picked up the unmistakable traces of a nuclear threat emanating from … Jerry Jones, a lawyer who had just had a nuclear stress test. Quick as a flash, crack VIPR agents confronted the guy sitting next to Jones, at which point Jones raised his hand to help the agents of VIPR in their targeting efforts. And to explain about the wonders of modern medical technology.

From CBS Chicago:

The special security team must have picked up on him as he entered the station and walked up the stairs, Jones says. Little did he know a nuclear stress test he had at a hospital earlier in the day had set off silent alarms and sent security scurrying.

The TSA team passed by him several times before ending up on his train car. Finally, he got a clue when an agent questioned the man right next to him and asked, 'Sir, do you have an explanation as to why I am getting a high isotope reading on your bag?'"

"The fellow's jaw dropped," Jones said.

Once the agent said the word "isotope," Jones says he realized he was the one they were looking for. He raised his hand to say he had a nuclear stress test.

In next week's episode, VIPR agents taser a farmer carrying a bag of fertilizer and eating a poppyseed bagel.

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14 responses to “Covered at Reason 24/7: Medical Test Sends TSA Swarming Chicago Train

  1. Once the agent said the word “isotope,” Jones says he realized he was the one they were looking for. He raised his hand to say he had a nuclear stress test.

    “He’s a nuke, get him!!!”

    Idiots.

    1. Do not shoot at the thermonuclear weapons!

      1. Do not shoot at the thermonuclear weapons!

        Do you really think the jokers on VIPR know that?

        1. Maybe we should subcontract out to SPECTRE?

          1. Phil Sprectre? The wife beater? Never!

  2. Seems to me that this is an example of the TSA system working well, as opposed to what the idiots waste most of their time doing with Evian water in airports. I mean, Aum Shinrikyo did show us that we might want to keep an eye on the subways, and the whole “homeland security” effort really, bottom line, is about The Big One – keeping al Queda from hitting us with a nuke, isn’t it? And it’s not like no one has ever heard of a false positive or, experienced them. As long as they’re going to do be doing this stuff, I’d rather they alert on the odd nuclear medicine guy now and then and not miss the, yes, inevitable attempt at a dirty nuke bomb, or worse.

    OTOH, didn’t they forget to shoot this guy and his seat mate a few times?

    1. Except briefcase nukes are fiction. The smallest nuclear devices are still very heavy and relatively bulky.

  3. I feel so much safer, knowing these crack teams of anti-terror shock troops are on the case.

  4. All atoms are isotopes and some isotopes are radioactive. Radiation that can be measured come from the radioactive isotopes. But the term “high isotope reading” has absolutely no meaning. Thus, if a member of the special security team actually said “Sir, do you have an explanation as to why I am getting a high isotope reading on your bag?” then I would suggest that he was a fool ignorant of radiation and its properties. He would have no idea of what he was looking for. This would be one more example of government goons with guns.

  5. You can’t grope the people with nuclear arms.

    1. You can mutate them, though, if 50s horror films were at all correct.

  6. Dude that makes a whole lot of sense man, I mean liek wow.

    http://www.WebAnon.da.bz

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