Papal Conclave Selects Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio as Newest Pope, Likely Runner-Up Last Time Around
Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio is Pope Francis I

The white smoke was seen coming from the Sistine Chapel earlier today, and the Vatican has announced that Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected the Roman Catholic Church's newest pope, taking the regnal name of Francis, a name not chosen by any other pope in the last two thousand years. Reportedly, he was a contender last time around, in 2005. From a profile by the National Catholic Reporter:
After the dust settled from the election of Benedict XVI, various reports identified the Argentine Jesuit as the main challenger to then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. One cardinal later said the conclave had been "something of a horse race" between Ratzinger and Bergoglio, and an anonymous conclave diary splashed across the Italian media in September 2005 claimed that Bergoglio received 40 votes on the third ballot, just before Ratzinger crossed the two-thirds threshold and became pope.
Though it's hard to say how seriously one should take the specifics, the general consensus is that Bergoglio was indeed the "runner-up" last time around. He appealed to conservatives in the College of Cardinals as a man who had held the line against liberalizing currents among the Jesuits, and to moderates as a symbol of the church's commitment to the developing world.
Bergoglio's reputation for personal simplicity also exercised an undeniable appeal – a Prince of the Church who chose to live in a simple apartment rather than the archbishop's palace, who gave up his chauffeured limousine in favor of taking the bus to work, and who cooked his own meals.
Another measure of Bergoglio's seriousness as a candidate was the negative campaigning that swirled around him eight years ago.
Three days before the 2005 conclave, a human rights lawyer in Argentina filed a complaint charging Bergoglio with complicity in the 1976 kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests under the country's military regime, a charge Bergoglio flatly denied. There was also an e-mail campaign, claiming to originate with fellow Jesuits who knew Bergoglio when he was the provincial of the order in Argentina, asserting that "he never smiled."
Francis I becomes the third consecutive pope selected from outside of Italy, after a 455-year run of popes from Italy. And because it's the 21st century, the new pope already has a tweet.
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Any of you homos touches my stuff, and I'll kill ya.
Pope Psycho I?
Slaughterhouse Five?
Yeah, he doesn't look like a child molester.
He's 76? So we do this again in 5 years.
lol I just had that same thought. (no AnonBot)
Don't worry, since you did not type "jsut", we knew it was really you.
Really wow that is interesting I can't believe it but the pope makes $47000/month working from home! check it out!
"Pope Francis" is going to make it real hard to tell if people talking about him are being sincerely Catholic or just sarcastically dismissive.
lighten up!
Goddammit I came here to make this joke.
It was already at the top of the thread!
I was hoping the new guy would choose Clement. Haven't had Clement up there in a long time. Darn it. Instead he names himself after Sinatra.
My vote would have been for Homer.
He named himself after San Francisco?
Francis? Seriously? If he simply had to go with an unclaimed name, why not the absolutely valid Spanish name, Jesus?
Now that one you stole from me.
Re: Pro Libertate,
Maybe because the absolutely valid Spanish name is spelled "Jes?s" and not Jesus.
You're right, though I was pronouncing it right in my head.
That's the same thing, OM.
Re: Randian,
[Blackwood's coffin is opened]
Inspector Lestrade: That's not Blackwood!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.
?Jes?s!
Your comment does not appear to be written in an English script. Please comment in English.
Phew!
The suspense was killing me.
Dude just needs the toothbrush moustache and...bingo
So like the GOP the Vatican likes to annoint the previous runner-up?
Santorum is a lock for 2016.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuGtxt84wPQ
Bushpig!! Christfag!!1
Have you tried therapy, John?
Says the screaming monkey who lives in a box.
Needs more Christfag Shriek.
Dear god I hope the GOP can find someone better than Santorum for 2016.
I'm assuming "better" means more effective/successful and not funnier. I can't imagine a more fun election cycle.
I'm betting on Jeb Bush. Because they are just that mean and douchey.
Don't worry. I've got Chris Christie/Jeb Bush at 3-1.
I haven't figured out who to pair Rubio with yet, but he's my one half of the next highest bracket.
I'm creating my odds site right now...
I hope I do better than I did with Pope odds, cause I picked Warty and he didn't even have a ranking... wait.. Rubio/Warty 2016! No, that doesn't work...
Warty/Rubio 2016?
Ladbrokes' 2016 R nominess odds.
They'll run whomever they must to ensure a loss.
Re: Palin's Buttwipe,
My knowledge of very recent events is a little rusty but I am almost sure that the real runner-up for the GOP was some guy named Ron Paul.
If you go by delegate count, Paul came in second. If you go by votes, Paul came in forth behind Santorum and Gingrich.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.....ries,_2012
And, as I mentioned in another thread, look for the UK and the people of the Falkland Islands to be roundly condemned. Sorry, Holy Father, I meant Islas Malvinas.
I'm going to go way out on a limb and speculate that this will not be high on his agenda.
It shouldn't be high on Argentina's agenda, either, but there it is.
I suspect that if he placed the Falklands under the Interdict, they might not notice.
Very few sheep are practicing Catholics.
Mostly Presbyterian, right?
They don't use birth control or eat meat during Lent so I don't see why not.
The meat thing is only on Fridays during Lent.
For the 63% of Kelpers who identify as Christian, there are three churches on the islands -- one Presbyterian, one CoE, one Roman Catholic. So it would actually probably be pretty noticeable.
It should be. Those heathen Anglicans need to cease their heresy and yield the islands to proper Papal Authority!
Maybe he can excommunicate them even harder this time!
That's a good idea--make them subject to the Pope himself.
Maybe the English will break with the Catholic Church. Perhaps they'll put their monarch at the head of a new national church or something.
As if the Defender of the Faith would do such a monstrous thing!
Don't worry. I am sure his daughter will take care of everything.
And should she waiver, we can have His Most Catholic Majesty send an Armada or something.
I think he chose that name so that he could make jokes based on the sentence, "Let me be Frank."
So if Obama became Pope, he would be Pope Claire I?
If? When he becomes pope, he'll take the name Pope A Dope.
Pope Pope a Dope I, the first Pope with a Nobel Peace Prize.
Didn't JP II get one?
Narrative... don't mess with... et cetera
Only AFTER he was made Pope.
I searched for "Pope" on Wikipedia's list of Nobel PP laureates and came up with zilch.
The fact that they didn't select him this time just proves how racist they are. Not voting for Obama is even worse than the child buggering.
I think the real question here is whether or not Pope Francis is Turtley enough for the Turtle club
I'm a little surprised the name Francis has never been used.
Up until now, everyone who has suggested it got shoved into their locker by the other Cardinals.
Innocent and Pius are knee-slappers though.
Because of that guy from Assisi?
And also Francis Xavier.
Although now that I think about it, there's never been a Jesuit before, and I guess the name Francis is associated with the Franciscans (who everybody else hates) and the name Francis Xavier is associated with the Jesuits (who everybody else hates) so maybe that tainted the name.
Now look here, no talking about Papal "taint"!
You have to refer to it as the "uh-hmm"
Protocol
http://www.styleite.com/media/.....ly-doctor/
Me too. Now that was until today a Catholic bar bet if there ever was one. Which name has ever been the name of a Pope?
1. Hilarious
2. Boniface
3. Zosimus
4. Francis
There was a Pope Hilarious?
Secretly married to Alec Baldwin during the Middle Ages.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Hilarius
Known to be a lover of practical jokes, the word "hilarious" was coined to refer to his papal antics.
Cool.
Yes. It was spelled "Hilarius", but yes.
Pope Hilarius 461-468
Hilarius is a proper name. In Spanish is spelled "Hilario". In English is spelled "Barry."
Nicely played, OM.
Did anyone ever say "In your face, Boniface!"?
Sure, but then they were beaten with halberds by the Swiss Guard.
"What started as a minor squabble with King Philip IV of France over a government's ability to tax clergy members escalated until Boniface VIII excommunicated the king and released a decree stating that 'every human creature [was] subject to the Roman pontiff.'"
Not megalomaniacal at all.
You were not really a king in Europe unless the Pope excommunicated you at least once. My favorite story like that involves King John of England. He got into a dispute with the Pope over taxation of land owned by the monetarists. So the Pope excommunicated him. His solution was the kidnap the wives and children of English priests and bishops, you know the people who are supposed to be celibate, and hold them for ransom. What were the Priests going to do, complain to the Pope about the King kidnapping the wives they were not supposed to have?
King John got a bad rap for two reasons:
1) He was a lousy military commander (never won a battle, IIRC).
2) He pissed off the clergy, who were the only literate people around and therefore wrote all the records.
Despite the "Robin Hood" legend, Richard I was a horrible king. Up to the reign of John, "Richard" was the most common male given name in England, afterwards it was John.
He was actually a good military commander provided he was in England. He kicked the holy hell out of the Welsh and several rebellions. He never won a battle in France and lost the Angevin inheritance there.
And the Robin Hood myth arose under John's son Henry III, who was a religious nut and a real tyrant. But since John got cross with his Barons and lost France, history got written like it applied to him.
Richard didn't reign long enough to be a "horrible King". The really bad thing he did was get himself held for ransom on the way back from the crusades.
It is very interesting that Henry and Eleanor's kids all turned out to be such sorry copies of their parents.
This is probably the very first time that a Pope has chosen a new regnal name that was not a reference to a preceding Pope or popes. (John Paul was an obvious reference to the immediately previous two popes; Pope Lando, the most recent really new name, just kept his pre-election name.)
Peter Jurasik would make an awesome pope.
COMMIE POPE ALERT!!! He's going to nationalize the Vatican!
Taking it away from its previous owners?
When Italy finally goes belly up, he is going to reassert his historic claim over the Papal States.
Central Italy may welcome that - the Vatican probably is a bit more solvent.
Resurrecting the Papal Belt would be AWESOME
Northern Italy would frantically cheer.
There was also an e-mail campaign, claiming to originate with fellow Jesuits who knew Bergoglio when he was the provincial of the order in Argentina, asserting that "he never smiled."
You know what other religious figure never smiled?
I would be nervous if there *weren't* Latin American Jesuits who hated him.
THIS
Francis was my confirmation name.
That gets you a Papal audience now, right?
I'm pretty sure if I go dig up my St. Francis pendant and present it at the Vatican I can get an audience by right.
Make sure you post the contents of your chat with Frank I here when you get back!
It might help if you also bring an apple or maybe a carrot.
Well he might not be Italian, but if he shaved the top of his head he'd look a little like Uncle Junior Soprano.
(Not as much as the guy a couple posts down looks like Bobby Bacala, but still.....)
Pope Sisinnius (c. 650 ? 4 February 708) was Pope for about three weeks in 708
(Wiki)
His Wikipedia page went up shortly after the announcement.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Francis_I
Anyone who picked him at Paddy Power should be happy. He went at 25-1.
Really? Lost opportunity, he had a lot better odds elsewhere
I'm still amazed by all the media coverage this generated. CBS News Tonight broadcasting from Rome? Srlsy? I bet they can't wait for this Pope to kick so they get another free trip to Italy.
Hey, if you could enjoy a few Campari and hang around Rome on someone else nickle...lira...euro(?) you would be all over it to - I know I would.
ew. Campari tastes like really strong dirt.
But doesn't everything taste better on an expense account?
er...um...
yes.
Just mix it with some gin and vermouth. Yum.
OJ
Italy is where the chefs are Milanese, the mechanics are from Venice, the
lover's are Florentine, the police Genoan and it's all organised by the Sicilians.
Putting that together, Google sucked as a source. Type in 'most corrupt city in Italy', and nine out of ten results come back Chicago. I shouldn't have to manually exclude Chicago. It Is Not In Italy!!!
A quick speed browse of A Complete History of the Wars In Italy by Claude Alexandre de Bonneval gave some interesting answers though.
Duh the answer is Naples.
what a shithole
The local Boston station sent someone to Rome.
I was all like, "Why dis bitch need to be in Rome? Whazzup?
All I know is my Twitter feed was going way more nuts over this than it was over the filibuster last week. So, most people are still pop cultural retards, everything is cool.
I wouldn't call the election of the Pope "pop culture". Pope culture maybe.
papa culture.
There is only one Francis: Francis Albert Sinatra!
So is it wrong to call him Pope Frisco?
I like Pope Frank.
Ol' Pope Eyes?
You know they're pouring over everything he's ever said or written to see what it means for women priests, gay priests, married priests, priests doing abortions, etc.
I think that is pretty clear, he is apparently very conservative on those issues. I dont think a lot of pouring is going to be needed.
Then we will go from pouring to pouting.
I saw some special types protesting in front of the archdiocese downtown yesterday for female ordination.
Just let it go. If you want to be ordained, pick a different religion.
Maybe they just want to protest.
Was he a former Hitler Youth member?
Maybe they can link him to death squads. Argentina has a very black past. Our media pigs will fatten on anything, even their own feces.
It would be funny if he were an ex-pimp or something. It's certainly possible, given the very Christian concept of redemption. "Yeah, I was a pimp, but I got better."
Wasn't there an ex-pimp named Pope Malcolm the Tenth?
Get along Francis, there is no ass for you to sell here!
Maybe he went to the School of the Americas once.
Look for stories about how he personally supervised Argentina's Dirty War.
Unlikely in Argentina - maybe a General Peron Day Camp and Demagoguery School alum?
Do you think he'll have the Pope Emeritus killed? I mean, you never know when the guy who abdicated will hunger for total power again.
That's it! He will never be invited to the White House. Such displays of humility are not becoming to a real man of the people.
They missed an opportunity to unify the churches by not naming the Dalai Lama to the Chair of St. Peter.
I'm shocked to find out that picture is really of the new pope. I thought Ed Krayewski was just making a funny by putting up a picture of Woody Allen in a cardinal outfit.
On a similar note, in her younger years, Diane Keaton would have made a really hot nun. She'd do well for her age now, but it wouldn't be the same.
Do you think he'll have the Pope Emeritus killed? I mean, you never know when the guy who abdicated will hunger for total power again.
Nobody likes having the previous guy looking over his shoulder.
Vatican City needs stability.
Why, I can smile and murder whiles I smile,
And cry 'content' to that which grieves my heart,
And wet my cheeks with artificial tears,
And frame my face for all occasions.
*snaps fingers, several heavily armed, burly Swiss Guard leave the room*
"Begin planning the Funeral Mass for dear, soon to be departed Benedict"
I always found it odd that the last pope chose to name himself after a popular breakfast menu item.
How anti-climactic. No false popes taking up residence in France, no Camerlengos flying around in helicopters, so disappointing.
Avignon!
We can wait for some sort of Counter-Conclave...we could get our modern Babylonian Captivity yet!
yet
FYI - Apparently it offends Catholics if you insist that you aren't watching the Pope until he starts doing magic tricks.
As an ex-Catholic and grad of a Jesuit school, I find this absolutely fascinating in context of the historical tension between the pope and the Jesuit order. Hell, back in the 1700s, they were so off the reservation that the pope signed orders to suppress them. I'll be more interested to hear about his conflicts with the Jesuits in Latin America, where liberation theology has a very strong hold on much of the order.
I note that although he is the 3rd consecutive pope not from Italy, he is the son of an Italian immigrant to Argentina.
Anchor Popes!!!
Did that immigrant happen to arive in a submarine in the 1945-1946 time frame?
gO TALK THAT SMACK MAN. wOW.
http://www.EliteAnon.tk