A.M. Links: Mitt Romney Breaks Post-Election Silence, Dennis Rodman Relays Message from Kim Jung Un, Al-Qaeda to Launch Magazine


  • boy dictator

    Mitt Romney broke a four month post-election silence by saying he's not disappearing and that the president's failed to show real leadership on the sequester, while Karl Rove doesn't think ideological purity should define good GOP candidates.

  • Dennis Rodman, who might know more about Kim Jung Un than anyone at the CIA, says the North Korean dictator wants a phone call from President Obama.
  • NASA's administrator claims the sequester could jeopardize missions to asteroids and even Mars planned for the 2020s and 2030s. Could be the most ridiculous claim so far.
  • Al-Qaeda is launching an English-language advice magazine.
  • Chad's military says it killed Mokhtar Belmokhtar, the mastermind of the attack on the BP oil field in Algeria earlier this year, in Mali.
  • The Swiss voted to curb executive pay by allowing shareholders more power to overrule pay decisions and by limiting bonuses to new and departing managers.
  • A man dressed in an ill-fitting Batman costume brought a suspect in to a police station in England.

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  1. A man dressed in an ill-fitting Batman costume brought a suspect in to a police station in England.

    Add Bruce Wayne to the list of wealthy ex-pats.

    1. Alfred did spot him in an Italian caf

      1. Holy spoilers, man! Don’t give things away. Some of us are only at hour 25 of The Dark Knight Rises.

        1. ~~Spoiler Alert~~

          Silvio Berlusconi teaches Batman to jedi mind meld and fight the scourge of deep-dish pizza.

          1. Please. Italians wouldn’t know good pizza if someone made it for them.

  2. Freeze dry Fluffy and put her on the bookcase.

    1. Alan Alda had his dog stuffed. The title of his autobiography was, “Never Have Your Dog Stuffed”

      1. It wasn’t a dog. It was a baby!

        1. That was just very nicely done.

        2. Today’s winner of the internetz.

        3. You stuffed the dingo that ate your baby?

  3. A Cost/Benefit Analysis of Modern ‘Womanhood’

    We know that in order to be female on this earth, we spend way more money than men to live because we live a few years longer, get paid less and spend more on healthcare, to the tune of $849,000 over a lifetime. But what about the softer costs of lady-ness? In order to just be considered feminine, there’s a whole bunch a hooey you’re supposed to do to beat back the hairy, rough-elbowed forces of nature and maintain a socially constructed definition of femininity. In other words, you gotta keep that shit clean, shaved, perfumed, pampered and coiffed. But have you ever wondered at what risk or personal cost you pursue these demanding standards? Even if you enjoy it? Let’s get to calculatin’.

    1. Almost clicked on that…but then I saw “jezebel.” No thanks Huge Dong.

    2. jellymill
      It is so true (mentioned several times in the comments) that the more women cave to these kinds of superficial pressures the harder it gets for those of us that don’t. I take a very minimalist, natural approach to beauty. Of course basic hygiene is important and I do like to keep my legs relatively hairless, but I don’t see the point in “putting on a face” every morning and frying my hair into submission. I value my sleep, I’d rather spend that extra 1-2 hours before work SLEEPING.

      The Marxist Dialectic of Beauty. If only women wouldn’t compete, then everyone could look equally awful.

      1. I don’t wear makeup 99% of the time because I like he extra 15 minutes of shuteye, but I don’t make it a feminist issue. I just don’t wear makeup.

        1. My wife won’t even go to the gas station without putting on makeup. Funny thing is that she rarely looks like she’s wearing any, but she won’t leave the house without it.

        2. My gf is the same. Anything that interferes with her sleeping as late as possible in the morning is evil and will be cut away.

          1. Same with my wife. And I think she looks kinda funny when she has makeup on.

        3. Whoever decided its hot to put crusty black shit around your eyes? Its not.

            1. Yeah, I’m with Randian.

              1. Except it’s not really supposed to be crusty.

                1. Except it’s not really supposed to be crusty.

                  It is when I’m done with it.


            2. It is. The sluttier, the better.

          1. I’m with Beavis and Butthead. Heavy eye makeup sucks. I’m of the school that makeup only looks good if it doesn’t look like makeup.

      2. They could be out there saving the world, and those lazy wimmins are SLEEPING!!!

      3. Yes. It’s horrible that there are some women who make others actually have to try.

        My wife wears very little makeup. Maybe a little bit of lipstick or lip gloss and nothing else unless it’s some kind of special occasion. Yet she is still every bit as feminine and beautiful as those who wear fuck tons of it.

        Blaming makeup for being ugly is the height of intellectual dishonesty. Blaming society for being ugly is even worse.

      4. If only women wouldn’t compete, then everyone could look equally awful.

        Duh, competition is totally gendered male. Females prefer to cooperate.


        1. Right? Sisterhood means never judging another woman ever. That’s why it doesn’t happen anymore.

        2. Here’s a good test for your chick. Tell her a woman will be elected president as soon as all the other women pull their knives out of her back….

          If she at least grudgingly agrees you’ve got a keeper

    3. No one forces you to shave your snatch and pits. You don’t want to in order to defy some defined image of femininity? Fine. Just don’t blame “society” when no one wants to fuck you because your pits are harrier than theirs, or because you complain that my dick is snagging your ass hair when trying to go through the back door, or that no one wants to deal with your Diva Cup.

      And I’m sorry, It doesn’t cost any more to shave your legs/snatch/pits every few days than it does for a man to shave his face everyday. I have lotion and deodorant I have to put on too. And I’m sorry that you have a period that requires shit. But that isn’t my fucking fault, nor the fault of the patriarchy.

      1. And the thing is, unless she’s got some other major problems with appearance or personality, people will still want to fuck her, hairy pits and all. Women are way harder on themselves and other women than men are.

        1. Women are way harder on themselves and other women than men are.

          and that is the malicious truth the jezebel wing refuses to acknowledge.

      2. …or because you complain that my dick is snagging your ass hair when trying to go through the back door…

        I will never think of Velcro in the same way again. Thanks.

        1. I will never think of Velcro in the same way again. Thanks.

          My pleasure.

      3. Like any of these wymmyns would ever give up the ass.

        1. Well maybe to their girlfriend wearing a strap on

        2. I’ve been informed that 50 Shades of Gray is a good primer on what women really want, so I’m pretty sure the key to capturing a modern woman’s heart is in treating her like a stupid child in need of a good raping.

          1. Remember: If you live in a penthouse and pay her bills, its empowering sex-play. If you live in a trailer and can’t pay your own, its rape and torture.

      4. Diva Cup

        When to empty

        The DivaCup must be emptied, washed and reinserted at least 2 times a day (twice in a 24 hour period) and can be worn overnight without concern of leaking. Most women need only to empty it in the morning and again in the evening.

        By monitoring the fullness of the cup over a couple of cycles, you will quickly learn how often to empty it according to your specific needs. Most women find that the cup is not even half full after 12 hours. For those with heavier flows, the cup is simply emptied more often.


        1. Good Lord – if Warty “ewwwwws” something, it is an abomination (unless he is ewwwing deep dish pizza).

    4. “…we spend way more money than men to live because we live a few years longer…”

      If living longer is such a burden, there are ways to reduce it.

    5. Let’s get to calculatin’

      Why do I have the feeling there’s a bill coming..

      1. If we could settle up, Better Off Dead style and be left in peace, that would be great.

    6. …we spend way more money than men to live because we live a few years longer, get paid less and spend more on healthcare…

      Think about how much the unemployed must be spending to live!

  4. So much for the first female NFL player.

    1. What a dumb bitch

      1. That isn’t very Christian of you.

        1. *snort*

          I’ll be throwing that one back at you I’m sure.

          1. At first, I thought someone had made a clever Christian Ponder joke, and determined myself to figure it out. Then I saw that it was Randian and knew it was just concern trolling.

            1. Christian Ponder is the smartest man in the NFL. He used his one year as a starter to lock down a smoking hot wife and an in with ESPN in the same person.

              1. Wait – did the Vikes fire him?!?!? Cause that would be awesome!

                1. did the Vikes fire him

                  No way he starts again this year. No fuckin’ way. Adrian Peterson’s agent will kneecap Ponder himself if necessary.

                  1. To be honest I thought the only reason the Vikings lost so horribly to the Packers in the playoffs was because Christian Ponder wasn’t playing. GB could just stack the box against AP since they had no reason to fear Joe Webb going over the top.

        2. Thankfully you’re not the one standing outside the Pearly Gates, so I don’t have to worry about how Randian says I should live my life.

          1. Still, though, it was unwarranted.

            1. She set out to do something she was physically incapable of doing. I don’t think me calling her a dumb bitch was unwarranted. I would say the same thing of anyone who attempted something so futile.

              1. Whatever you need to make yourself feel better.

                1. Whatever you need to make yourself feel better.

                  It’s not very Christian to make stuff up about people.

              2. Maybe you should’ve gone with “attention whore” instead of “dumb bitch.” That would at least be warranted.

                1. Maybe you should’ve gone with “attention whore” instead of “dumb bitch.”

                  I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. But perhaps I should have so as not to have upset Randian’s delicate sensibilities.

                  Randian: the new Ken Shultz?

                  1. But perhaps I should have so as not to have upset Randian’s delicate sensibilities.

                    Whatever you do, don’t point out how Randian is an ignorant fuck on the subject of magazines vs clips, or he’ll put you on his iggy list so you can never embarrass his thin-skinned pussy-ass again.

                  2. Kids of his generation can’t take a joke, I guess.

                    1. I thought I was a kid of his generation. Guess I don’t know what’s funny anymore 🙁

                    2. It was a thing that drove him apeshit 2-3 Sundays ago.

                    3. Kids of his generation can’t take a joke, I guess.

                      Who was joking?

    2. Two kicks for thirty yards? My nine year old daughter could top that and she’s never kicked a football.

    3. And I was so looking forward to roughing the kicker.

    4. It was all some kind of publicity stunt. I’m glad its ended before it even got a chance to get started.

  5. Chad’s military says it killed Mokhtar Belmokhtar, the mastermind of the attack on the BP oil field in Algeria earlier this year, in Mali.

    Mastermind? Don’t they know to always say the guy they killed was No. 2?

    1. You are Number Six.

      1. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own.

        1. So you don’t pay taxes?

          1. Way Of Missing The Reference

            1. I wouldn’t say he’s missing it, Bob.

              1. *slow clap*

                I got it from a Down Syndrome hooker.

            2. Thought I hit is spot on… was the “?” too much?

              1. Rover will be coming for soon, Number 6.

        2. “I am not an animal! I am a human being!”

      2. I am not a number I am a free man

  6. Dennis Rodman, who might know more about Kim Jung Un than anyone at the CIA, says the North Korean dictator wants a phone call from President Obama.

    He was also seen passing a note from Kim Jung Un to Obama that said “Do you like me? Yes. No. Maybe. (circle one)”

    1. Regarding the picture above:

      Great product placement by Coke. Let’s see Pepsi try to get a can of their soda into N. Korea.

  7. Breakfast for Churchill. Coffee? Nah. Whisky and soda? Please!

    1. Lady Astor, to Churchill: You are drunk. You are very very drunk.
      Churchill: You are ugly. You are very very ugly. In the morning I will be sober.

  8. …Karl Rove doesn’t think ideological purity should define good GOP candidates.

    Just big government spending in the right areas.

    1. I don’t need a candidate to mirror my thoughts 100%, but 75% or so would be nice.

      1. I don’t need a candidate to mirror my thoughts 100%, but 75% or so would be nice.

        At this point, anything greater than 10% is worth notice.

        1. A candidate that could mirror anything that even resembles thought would be nice.

  9. Smothered by Safety

    Safety-wise, we’re told that our kids are dancing?or at least doing their low-impact kiddie yoga?on the lip of a live volcano. This explains the explosion of new laws, products, and policies to protect them from, well, everything: Creeps, kidnappers, germs, grades, flashers, frustration, baby snatchers, bugs, bullies, men?all men are pedophiles until proven otherwise?sleepovers, toys from China, and/or the perils of a non-organic grape.

    How far has society gone in dreaming up new dangers to protect our children from? Until you take a step back and look at all the new laws and regulations, you probably have no idea. So to start out, let’s test your Child Safety IQ. Which of the following did NOT happen this past year?

    1. You can’t fool *me*, L.H. Those things are from The Onion.

      Interesting factoid, though:

      if for some reason you actually WANTED your child to be kidnapped by a stranger, do you know how long you’d have to keep your child outside, unattended, so that statistically the abduction would be likely to happen?

      The answer is about 750,000 years

      1. Oh sure, with factoids like that you’re just encouraging people to let their children be kidnapped.

      2. Family Services would have abducted your brat long before then.

      3. Wouldn’t it be easier just to put a sign around the kid’s neck saying “Free to good home”?

        1. Or put it out with the white trash?

          1. “Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.”

            1. I WANT MY $2!

        2. Will trade for ammo.

          1. “No, sorry its medical experiments for the lot of you!”

    2. How far has society gone in dreaming up new dangers to protect our children from?

      Our entire government is based on it now, except for the dreaming up new things to protect wiminz from.

  10. Want an iPhone case with a built in Taser?
    Not if you live in places where self defense is illegal, like New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Massachusetts, Michigan, Rhode Island, Wisconsin or Washington, D.C.

    1. Want an iPhone case with a built in Taser?

      No, because I don’t want an IpHone or any other iShit.

    2. Self defense isn’t illegal in Massachusetts, Sarcasmic!

      You just aren’t permitted tools…

      It’s like the Catholic approach to birth control, no engineering, only your wits and your bare hands.

  11. How do you shield yourself from cosmic rays on a mission to Mars? Line the walls with your shit. Literally.

    1. Well they can’t just eject it. That would change the momentum and throw shit off. It’s why the shuttle always brought it’s feces back to earf.

      1. It’s why the shuttle always brought it’s feces back to earf.

        The should sell it on ebay. “Shit from space!”

        Fecalpheliacs everywhere will be clamoring for it.

        1. I’m actually surprised they don’t. Maybe they could sell it as “IRRADIATED Shit from Space!!!!!”

          1. What if we could fossilize it while it’s in orbit? Irradiated, Fossilized Astronaut Shit from Space!

            Fucking gold mine.

            1. I’d buy a mailbox made out of the stuff.

              1. I’m thinking Obama bobble-head dolls..

                1. Too life-like; they’d be creepy.

    2. Old news. Even Sci-fi ships have the living area surrounded by water and/or septic tanks.

      Until we can figure out a magnetic field (and a generator to power it), that’s the best we’ll get.

    3. Seems like 8″ of water would work well. And you’d have reaction mass and backup drinking water. ON the return trip, use urine.

      1. “Well, Madam, if they’re on course, they should be nearing the urine-drinking stage by now.”

  12. China “fully prepared” for currency war: banker

    A top Chinese banker said Beijing is “fully prepared” for a currency war as he urged the world to abide by a consensus reached by the G20 to avert confrontation, state media reported on Saturday.

    Yi Gang, deputy governor of China’s central bank, issued the call after G20 finance ministers last month moved to calm fears of a looming war on the currency markets at a meeting in Moscow.

  13. Mary-Kate Olsen making out with her dad fiance.

    1. I have a coworker who is in an 18 year age difference relationship. I know it shouldn’t matter, but Its still weird seeing it in action. This is a 26 yr old and 44 yr old for context.!

      1. I didn’t mean to shout this

      2. I know a guy in his early 20s who is with a woman who has a son that is barely ten years younger than him.

        1. My stepmom is 10 years older than I am. Of course, my dad is just 19 years older than I am. So, I don’t see a prob.

        2. I ran into a family like that. It was creepy, because the guy was barely 10 years older than his really hot step-daughters. The mom worked with my ex, so we went over to their house a few times for barbecues and the like. There was this really weird vibe between the girls and the stepdad, though I can’t put my finger on why I felt the weird vibe.

      3. 44/2+7=29

        Eh, close enough.

        1. Here’s what xkcd has to say about the subject.


          1. My parents violated that rule, My Dad was 27 and my Mom was 18 when they got married.

        2. So I could date someone my daughter’s age and pass that rule.

          1. It tends to work that way…eventually.

            It just means you are old.

      4. While 45, I dated a woman who was 22. Cute little blonde. Senior in college. Loved that I had a house. Broke it off after awhile though because she was too damn clingy.

    2. I just wish she would wash that hair…yikes!

  14. Hilarious video of women taking Biden’s advice.

  15. NASA’s administrator claims the sequester could jeopardize missions

    The damage has *already* started!

    1. Why should we care what an administrator says? Such people have helped ruin NASA and most Universities (not to say the organizations were built on solid foundations). Fuck administrators.

    2. They should have chose safe mode with networking so that they could update and run Malwarebytes.

    3. I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t allow you to jeopardize this mission.

    4. Nasa, along with all other government agencies, only exists now as a jobs program for the friends and family of elected officials.

  16. SpaceX capsule finally docks with space station.

    1. Dragons don’t like space-docking?

    2. I bet the pilot failed to follow proper filling up instructions.

    3. I’m glad they were able to overcome the problem and actually dock.

      1. You just know that the statist crowd is breathlessly waiting for the slightest mishap with private space endeavors so they can say “See! Only gobernment can do space stuff! See!”

  17. Al-Qaeda is launching an English-language advice magazine.

    Dear “Infidel in Indiana”…

    1. I thought NEWSWEAK already had a buyer?

  18. Police dog accidentally fires gun into Lawrence home

    Of course it’s the dog’s fault and not that of the officer who told the dog to dig through the snow in search of a gun he suspected to be buried there. Fucking triggers! How do they work?

    1. Proposed legislation would require guns to be able to determine the species of the entity pulling the trigger, sources say…

      1. K9 officers to be exempt.

    2. At least this time they announced an active agent that shot the gun. Normally they use the passive voice, as in “the gun discharged/was fired” without naming who did it.

      1. The always laughable “Shots were fired”.

      2. That just means that the brave investigative journalist, supposedly with resources behind him that blogs cannot match, merely copied-and-pasted direct from the police report.

    3. Ah yes… Lawrence Massachusetts. It’s the Detroit of Massachusetts.

    4. not just a police dog, but “a specially trained police dog”. At that point why assume it was accidentally?

      1. The question is, do police dogs feel the urge to shoot themselves?

  19. ‘Not tonight – I haven’t got a headache’

    1. One in five migraine sufferers had no symptoms after sex

      Moreover, *five* in five heart attack sufferers had no symptoms after sex.

  20. Al-Qaeda is launching an English-language advice magazine.

    The trolling opportunities are delicious.

  21. Al-Qaeda is launching an English-language advice magazine.

    Dear Abu:

    My boyfriend is always pressuring me for anal. What should I do?

    Filthy Animal Tappin In My Ass

    1. Dear FATIMA:

      If you aren’t a 12 year-old boy, this is obviously haram. If you are a 12 year-old boy, work on strengthening your Kegel muscles to keep him coming back until you are at least 16.

      1. Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim…

        In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful,

        Fatima is obviously a kafir pigdog who deserves to be killed. The infidel Fatima ignores that our wise shieks have ruled that if one is over the age of 12, and engaged in jihad, sodomy is permitted, if and only if the mujahideen intends to use his or her anus as a weapon to kill the enemy. You may read details of Abu al-Dema al-Qasab’s fatwa here.

        In the future, I suggest that you only ask advice from that most wise of Islamic scholars, the Kabir al-Mutfin al-Amriki Yusha ibn Heller of Masjid al-Brandeis, for Allah has determined him to be the authority on all things Islamic.

        And Allah knows best.

        1. jihad + sodomy = jihadomy

        2. Damme, HM, that was magnificent. I want to copy that and send it to my first Arabic instructor!

          1. Thank you.


    2. Dear Abu:

      I don’t know what to make of my fourth wife. When her father sold her to me, I thought we would ave a glorious marriage. Of course she was only eight, but that hadn’t stopped me with any of my other wives. Anyway, she took her mini-burqa off three times yesterday to write in crayon on out hut walls and I even caught her giggling once. If this keeps up, she might influence her sister-wives, even the ones of birthing age. And I can’t have that, as I’m an old man of 34 years.

      My question is: should I go ahead and cut her hand off to teach her a lesson, as Muhammad (pbuh) would? Or should I cut out her tongue, which seems to be all the rage with the younger, hipper men?

      Concerned in Kabul

      1. Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim…

        In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful,

        While some might point to the fourth Surah of the Holy Quran, in which husbands are instructed that the permissible punishments for disobident wives are admonishment, withholding sexual intercourse, and corporal punishment, it is clear that your wife, through the creation of artwork and giggling, which can be considered music, has commited riddah and is thus an apostate. It is clearly written in verses 88 and 89 of the fourth Surah that the penalty for apostasy is death. Thus you are permitted to kill her in a way that is most convenient to you; however, it is mustahabb to behead her or crucify her.

        For further information, I recommend you read, if you are literate, the rulings of the Kabir al-Mutfin al-AmrikiAbu Himar Yusha ibn Heller ibn Sharmuta al-Brandeisi, for Allah has deemed him to be the most educated in sharia.

        And Allah knows best.

        1. Thus you are permitted to kill her in a way that is most convenient to you;

          and don’t forget that you only have 24 hours after her death to have sex with her.

        2. Haha. Do it again! Do it again!

          Dear Abu,

          I hate my beard and desperately want to cut it off or trim it down a great deal because I believe it puts me and my family at increased risk to American drone bombings. Unfortunately, my brother is a local Taliban leader and has told me they will cut off my head if I do so.

          I love Allah more than my own life and would gladly kill as many infidels as I can to gain his favor. However, I want to balance this with the safety of my family, since the Infidel American drone pilots apparently don’t care who they bomb as long as they have a beard and are brown (unless they’re kids, haha).

          Perplexed in Pashtun

          1. Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim…

            In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful,

            Your brother has been to lenient with you. Your sentiments prove that you are a vile kafir deserving of nothing except a painful death.

            While it is true that the Zionist American Empire indiscriminately kills all those they deem to be fighting for the sake of Allah, why would you seek to deny your family holy martyrdom? The Quran, the Sunnah, and the Ahadith are all in agreement that the only sure way to Jannah is to die fighting the infidel in jihad. Would you deny your sons the pleasures of the 72 giant-breasted, transparent-skinned, non-menstruating Huriyah? What of the 10 boys whose skins are as white as pearl? Even if your daughters were lucky enough to be immolated by a Hellfire missile, they would be among the few women admitted into Jannah.

            Due to your disbelife, I pronounce takfir upon you, and due to your brother’s lenience in applying sharia, I pronounce takfir upon him as well. I have forwarded this fatwa to the Kabir al-Mutfin al-Amriki Abu Himar Yusha ibn Heller ibn Sharmuta al-Brandeisi who will then advise all righteous Muslims that your lives are forfeit and that by killing you, the path to Jannah shall be opened by Allah.

            And Allah knows best.

          2. Bismillah al-rahman al-rahim…

            In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful,

            Your brother has been to lenient with you. Your sentiments prove that you are a vile kafir deserving of nothing except a painful death.

            While it is true that the Zionist American Empire indiscriminately kills all those they deem to be fighting for the sake of Allah, why would you seek to deny your family holy martyrdom? The Quran, the Sunnah, and the Ahadith are all in agreement that the only sure way to Jannah is to die fighting the infidel in jihad. Would you deny your sons the pleasures of the 72 giant-breasted, transparent-skinned, non-menstruating Huriyah? What of the 10 boys whose skins are as white as pearl? Even if your daughters were lucky enough to be immolated by a Hellfire missile, they would be among the few women admitted into Jannah.

            Due to your disbelief, I pronounce takfir upon you, and due to your brother’s lenience in applying sharia, I pronounce takfir upon him as well. I have forwarded this fatwa to the Kabir al-Mutfin al-Amriki Abu Himar Yusha ibn Heller ibn Sharmuta al-Brandeisi who will then advise all righteous Muslims that your lives are forfeit and that by killing you, the path to Jannah shall be opened by Allah.

            And Allah knows best.

  22. theon1on.com: It’s like the Onion for real stories. You could run morning links and brickbats just from here.

    1. That’s epic. “Apple hipsters lament that the company was better before it became cool” “Cypress HS students suspended for disarming gunman”

    2. Thank you.

    3. Wow – Awesome collection of stories.

      I read the http://rumfordmeteor.com/ which has sarcastic headlines to more mundane stories.

      1. Mary Tyler Less passes away at 69. Now that is funny.

        1. “Casino Patrons Expected To Line Up To See A Real, Live Woman Under Two Bills In Bangor”

          Hilarious if you ever lived in Maine.

          1. Skinny women would freeze up there.

            1. Hard to say, there is no data to prove your hypothesis.

    4. “Liam Neeson on why there won’t be a Taken 3: She can’t get taken again. That’s just bad parenting”

  23. NASA’s administrator claims the sequester could jeopardize missions to asteroids and even Mars…

    We’ll have to stick to invading foreign countries rather than celestial bodies for a few more years.

    1. but will it impact the Muslim outreach mission?

      1. The Muslim outreach program has been officially put on hold. Nasas full time mission will now be monitoring climate change.

  24. Richard Daley was on Bloomberg a little while ago. Guess what- gunz are baaaaad, children. The federal government should step in and impose comprehensive gun control, because all those laws in Chicago don’t seem to be having any effect.

    That guy is retarded. Incoherently. Painfully. Rain Man retarded. I kept expecting him to say, “I’m an excellent Mayor!”

    1. Former mayor. Although the guy in there now, Emanuel, is also a shitbag.

  25. Why did men stop wearing high heels?

    Fast forward a few more years and the intellectual movement that came to be known as the Enlightenment brought with it a new respect for the rational and useful and an emphasis on education rather than privilege. Men’s fashion shifted towards more practical clothing. In England, aristocrats began to wear simplified clothes that were linked to their work managing country estates.

    It was the beginning of what has been called the Great Male Renunciation, which would see men abandon the wearing of jewellery, bright colours and ostentatious fabrics in favour of a dark, more sober, and homogeneous look. Men’s clothing no longer operated so clearly as a signifier of social class, but while these boundaries were being blurred, the differences between the sexes became more pronounced.

    1. Why did men stop wearing high heels?

      We started getting far less mercury and arsenic in our diets.

      1. “How do you write women so well?”

        “I think of a man, and then add mercury and arsenic poisoning.”

        1. OK, how many of you read the second one in Jack’s voice?

          You did, didn’tcha?

        2. I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability

    2. Clothing for both genders has become, and continues to become, more practical and simplified.

      Except in the 1950s, when the petticoat on women became into fashion. It may mark the last time a generation put more effort into their clothing than the last.

    3. Men’s fashion shifted towards more practical clothing.

      I long for the day when we’re all wearing utility jumpsuits, perhaps the kind with the V down the middle, and definitely made of some reflective silver material. Either that, or cargo pants for everyone.

      1. Its a *speedsuit* Dean.

        A speed-suit says to the world: “Look out! I know what I’m wearing for the rest of my life!”

    4. Of course, most people have always worn simple, practical clothes.

      1. Fashion history is written by winners. Only the 1% have time for disposable “art.”

        1. Disposable? Clothes are one of the only things I recycle!

          1. Paper towels work better on spills than haute couture, plus chiffon is harder to tear off the roll.

  26. Hansen Busted Again, Turning A Cooling Trend Into A Warming Trend

    In 1999, he showed that most of the US cooled from 1950-1998…

    …But that simply wasn’t going to scare anyone, so he got rid of all US cooling in his recent maps. Note too that he eliminated all cooling in South America and Africa, and turned them into warming….

    NCAR 1974 : Global Cooling And Extreme Weather Is The New Normal

    1. Didnt you post that last week? When I see “again” in the headline, I expect something new.

  27. The Origins of 10 Great Insults

    Insults involving body parts, and the things that come out of them, are as old as time. PG-rated slang terms, however, usually have a richer but more obscure history. Here are the origins of some familiar insults that will make calling out all the rubes, bums, cretins, and punks in your life a more fulfilling experience.

    1. I need TP for my bung-hole!

  28. Portuguese march against austerity, want government out

    Hundreds of thousands of Portuguese poured into the streets of Lisbon and other cities on Saturday to demand an end to austerity dictated by an international bailout and the resignation of the center-right government.

    The rallies, which follow the introduction of the biggest tax hikes in living memory, mark the greatest public show of discontent since demonstrations last September forced the government to adjust some of its austerity measures.

    More than 200,000 protesters in Lisbon packed the vast imperial Praca do Comercio square, home to the Finance Ministry, and surrounding streets, chanting: “It’s time for the government to go”.

    1. It just amazes me how the media everywhere portrays tax hikes as spending cuts or austerity.

    2. If you don’t want to pay a bunch of taxes, don’t ask for free shit or go fascist and build an army and steal other people’s shit.

    3. “Center-right government” = Democrats here.

      1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuGtxt84wPQ

        Bushpig!! Bushpig!!

        Christfag!! Christfag!!

      2. The European christian-democrats (aka the “centre right”) tend to be corporatist monkies.

        1. Which is why they are just like our Democrats.

    4. biggest tax hikes

      I thought lefties love tax hikes?

      1. Yes, on other people , or evul KKKorporashunz!

      2. They love em; they don’t love paying em!

  29. NASA’s administrator claims the sequester could jeopardize missions to asteroids and even Mars planned for the 2020s and 2030s

    Looks like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s child is going to have to go to his back-up plan and follow in his mother’s footsteps rather than his father’s to find out who is responsible for killing his dream job.

  30. “Oprah Winfrey will deliver the commencement address at Harvard University’s 362nd graduation ceremony on May 30, the university said Monday.

    “”Oprah’s journey from her grandmother’s Mississippi farm to becoming one of the world’s most admired women is one of the great American success stories,” Harvard President Drew Faust said in a statement posted to the Harvard Gazette website Monday.”


    Prepare for contrived outrage at anti-intellectualism.

  31. Antonin Scalia’s uber-activism

    Wednesday’s oral argument at the Supreme Court on the constitutionality of Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 brought an extraordinary piece of analysis from Justice Antonin Scalia?a comment that drew gasps from the audience. The law’s utility as a shield against voting practices that discriminate based on race, Mr Scalia suggested, had evaporated. He argued that requiring nine Southern states and sections of seven others, all with a history of discrimination, to “pre-clear” changes to voting procedures with the Justice Department is now needless interference with “state sovereignty”.

    1. I think the key comparison would be racial descrimination in those nine states now vs in the other 41 in 1965. I bet Mississsippi 2012 has far less than New York 1965.

      1. Anne Althouse says that due to congress’s inability to update the law since like 1972, renders it now unconstitutional. Politics, basically, has come home to roost.

  32. Sequestration is turning into the gift that keeps on giving. I don’t know a single person on the Right, libertarian, conservative or SOCON, who gives a shit about sequestration. But, the liberals I know are screaming like stuck pigs. Facebook has never been more entertaining. They are all turning Obama because he can’t bully the evil Retuglicans to stop this madness. They are counting the days until they get to vote for Hillary in 2016. This is great. My favorites are the ones who work in the defense industry. It is as if Ron Paul got elected President and his supporters in the Department of Education are shocked that their budget is being cut. Dude, if you are going to be a part of the free shit brigade, vote for the side that plans to give you your free shit.

    1. Obama is willing to talk cuts in SS and Medicare! (BTW, GOP, this is a trap!)

      My favorite line from this “objective” news source (emphasis mine):

      Budget fights in Congress took their most serious turn in years on Friday when $85 billion in indiscriminate spending cuts known as “sequestration” began to kick in after both parties failed to agree on how to stop them.

      Indiscriminate cuts the President asked for and both he and Congress approved!

      1. and that’s the right emphasis, isn’t it. It’s as though the conventional wisdom among the literati and DC steno pool is that the “cuts” will be executed by tossing darts at a board.

        1. The “cuts”* would probably have made more sense being chosen by darts. Each party tried to poison-pill the other. But the “cuts” certainly were not indiscriminate.

          Don’t flame me, I know. Not really reductions.

      2. The party that successfully blames the other party for the eventual Chained CPI adoption will be the “winner”.

        1. Yes because the only people who give a shit vote for the free shit party anyway. No Republican in Congress will lose a single election over this.

          1. The GOP loves their free shit too, John-boy. SS/Medicare/caid recipients are their base.

            1. And that is why their supporters are so angry about sequestration, which touches none of those programs.

        2. yes, god forbid that a party win acclaim by doing the right thing. It’s always blame the other guy.

          1. Well, duh. If the recent election taught us anything it is talk shit about the other guy.

          2. How can one take credit for doing the right thing when very seldom is the right thing done? When you are gvernment and looking where to assign credit, you MUST blame the other guy because the result is nearly always a situation in which no one really wants to take credit because it was a monumental fuckup.

      3. Indiscriminate cuts the President asked for and both he and Congress approved!

        You betcha! ‘Cause if the cuts were *discriminate* they would be RACIST!

      4. How can we have “indiscriminate” cuts when we haven’t had a discriminate budget for 4 fucking years?

        1. Why bother with rule of law when you can have the rule of whim and “hope and change” sloganeering?

    2. have furloughs started? i took the metro this morning and crowds were down.

      1. I don’t think so. Maybe they are just taking a day off in mourning. I can’t tell you how much I am enjoying my wife’s liberal cousin who works at DOD’s whining about this. I haven’t had the heart to tell that due to an accounting quirk I won’t be suffering any furlough, and wouldn’t be too concerned if I did. Savings is a foreign concept to most liberals.

        1. “You’ve never worked in the private sector. They expect results!”

      2. I and my team will be here even if our government cronies are not. Fun!

  33. World Doesn’t End, Obama Hardest Hit
    The sequester apocalypse evolves into a ‘slow grind.’

    What he is trying to do instead is implement the sequester as rudely as possible so that he can extract another tax increase. As the President put it, the problem is that Republicans have adopted “an iron-clad rule that we will not accept an extra dime’s worth of revenue.”

    But not so iron clad that the GOP didn’t reluctantly consent to 6.2 trillion dimes in tax increases only this January in return for zero dimes of spending restraint. Mr. Obama wants Republicans to commit political harikiri by doing it again. Asking the other party to commit suicide is not typically a good basis for bipartisan accord.

    1. I think even the stupid party is starting to figure out that spending cuts actually hurt Democratic voters more than Republicans. I can’t imagine a single Republican losing an election over this. Republicans operate under the delusion that DOD employees are Republicans. No, soldiers and service members tend to be Republican. DOD civilians and contractors are as Democratic as any other government workers.

  34. NASA’s administrator claims the sequester could jeopardize missions to asteroids and even Mars planned for the 2020s and 2030s. Could be the most ridiculous claim so far.

    Not ridiculous for two reasons:

    1. Some of these require very long transit times because no one’s got off their ass and built an inteplanetary drive that isn’t so weak it can only put you on a minimum energy Hohmann transfer orbit.

    2. NASA can’t even build shit on time when it has a full budget, and when you’re dealing with minimum energy transfer orbits (see 1 above), your launch windows for interplanetary voyages are strictly limited.

    Also, fuck you–cut spending so the private sector can get up and build a fucking nuclear drive.

    1. One of the things that is really jeopardizing missions to asteroids and mars is the James Webb Space Telescope which is hugely over budget and behind schedule and that is because of poor supervision by NASA not sequestration.


      1. That’s an example of what I was talking about in point 2, above. They can’t even be on time when they’re fully funded.

      1. EAT A SANDWICH!!!

    2. Well, it is ridiculous in suggesting that NASA could hit those targets with its full budget.

      1. NASA needs to get out of the way and let the private sector do the manned spaceflight. Because NASA can’t do shit in manned spaceflight anymore. Piddling around in LEO for forty years isn’t exactly impressive.

    3. The big issue isn’t just distance, but that the distance from Earth varies wildly even over the closest approaches during its ~2 year synodic period. After 2018, we have to wait til 2035 for another “short” shot.

  35. The most bizarre experimental tanks ever to roll through a battlefield

    Tanks are a crucial part of any land force in battle, and every military dreams of coming up with the ultimate invincible vehicle, complete with incredible firepower. But some militaries dream bigger than others. From winged tanks and DiY armored cars, to tanks studded with flamethrowers, here are some of the most bizarre examples of experimental tanks. Not surprisingly, most of these never saw much action in the field.

    1. “Venezuela wanted to demonstrate its power to Columbia with these armored cars and two Italian Ansaldo CV33s.”

      I think Columbia hurt itself laughing, when it saw those.

  36. March Forth!

    1. A large caliber rifle. The horror.

      1. 7mm is no joke!

        1. I agree; the length of your penis is no joke.

    2. I’m really curious as to what caliber that would be.

      I mean, yeah, .416 Rigby, .375 H&H or .460 Weatherby Mag, but honestly, who the hell keeps rifles in those calibers? The only guys I know who have those are the guys who have stupid money and go to Africa to shoot Cape Buffalo and shit.

      1. Some people just like weapons. Those are no fun to shoot because it is expensive and they tear your shoulder off with recoil. But some people just like having them around.

        1. Oh, I know. I have a laundry list of ridiculous guns I want which will serve no practical purpose besides making me smile when I send 5 bucks downrange with every pull of the trigger.

      2. Per this article from a NJ paper, it was a 10 gauge shotgun made for hunting elephants.

        Yeah, I don’t think the reporter knew what he was talking about either.

    3. But it’s a hunting rifle. I’ve been assured those are as wholesome as mom and apple pie. As long as they have a wooden stock.

      1. And nothing that can be used to hold them.

    4. “On the streets” that rifle would be a useless encumbrance.

      1. Depends on what you wanted to do. You couldn’t conceal it. But you could sure as hell kill someone with it.

        1. And even if you can’t afford the bullets, you could bash someone’s head in pretty neatly.


    1. Popeless but hot hopeless!

      1. *not* hopeless.

        1. Sure you don’t mean gropeless?

    2. Catholicism held hostage, Day Four.


      No pope = no consequences.

      1. Catholic Times: pope-questration portends of massive confessional backlog.

        1. “We can only issue nine Hail Mary’s per sin.”

          1. No one needs nine hail Mary’s.

        2. Nuns and altar boys hardest hit.

        3. crap. now i’ll have to wait longer to go once a year.

    4. Apparently it takes God a long time to play one potato, two potato with 115 bishops.

      1. Cloister? I thought this was going to be the most open and transparent papacy in history.

      2. Its a lot harder to pick a pope now that the Borgias aren’t putting their idiot sons in the College of Cardinals any longer.

        1. Peter O’Toole or GTFO. Who wouldn’t want a Guinness-swilling pope?

          1. Well, he did play Jesus Christ once – or at least a guy who thought he was christ

    5. Standard op is 9 days of mourning after a death, I figure they are going to follow same schedule.

      1. Conclave 2013! I Helped Elect A Pope And All I Got Was A Red Yarmulke.

      2. Even though nobody actually died? This is a bit more rare (possibly unprecedented, I can’t remember), so it could honestly go longer or shorter; either way as far as I can tell.

        1. According to Reuters, the Conclave doesn’t start until next week, although there have already been a meetings to make turn ons/turn offs list for the candidates.

          Remember, you don’t have to turn in your brackets before the Conclave, but I do expect them right after it is announced.

        2. It looks like all the cardinals wont be in Rome until midweek and one of the first items on their agenda is setting the schedule. So they probably start up the voting about next Monday, which would be the 11th, so not far off.

          It isnt unprecedented, its just been 600 years, so the precedent is a bit dusty.

        3. They’re still training up for Conclave Cage Match.


    7. It’s a literal Pope sequester.

    1. Why do they have to use those poor rats? Couldn’t they use Congresscreatures for these experiements? Or does the experiment require higher intelligence?

  38. http://www.theatlanticwire.com…..uns/62701/

    Gun control so popular Joe Manchin doesn’t want to talk about it.

    1. And he won’t have to until 2018. Will there even be a WV Democrat Party by then.

    2. I’m sure a Republican who required there to be no “reproductive freedom” questions would be accommodated.

  39. In Europe, tax hikes are “austerity”, which proves that austerity doesn’t work, so we should raise taxes in the United States.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, your Top Men.

    1. Bravo!!

  40. http://bostonherald.com/news_o…..itt_s_help

    Help us Mitt wan Kanobi. You are our only hope.

  41. Sequestration; Women and Children Hit Hardest

    A brave few try to bring up libertarianism.

    1. Awww, wiminz and childins hit hardest again. Who would have guessed?

    2. Vagina-IHasIt
      As a mother who uses housing vouchers with a fiance who is a head start teacher & coordinator at a rape crisis center…..this sucks especially. It sucks for everyone; I just wish it didn’t disproportionally suck for low income women

      So, not only do we have to fund useless Head Start programs, we have to buy the teachers housing? Sounds good.

      Clever name grrrl lololol XOXOXOXO ^^

    3. Here’s the thing: if we don’t get the budget under control and balanced eventually we’re going to have a major financial crisis in the government. If we have a major debt crisis that leads to a major shutdown or rapid inflation, all of those programs are going to disappear anyway. A lot of people are coming down on the Republicans for not backing tax increases but even with tax increases there will still be huge deficits. At some point that bill’s coming due.

      Of course, moron commenter replies that for gov’t there’s no bill that “comes due”.

      Figurative speech, how duz it werk???

  42. New York Times headline that the sequester cuts “May Hit Poor Harder Than Most”.

    Well I never!

    1. World ends…

    2. A good slaps will get the lazy shits moving.

    3. about 125,000 individuals and families put at risk of becoming homeless, the Department of Housing and Urban Development estimated

      Shut up, HUD. We’re *all* “at risk of becoming homeless”.

    4. Everything hits the poor harder than the rich. That’s the fucking point of having capital in reserve.

      1. No kidding. There is a reason why being rich is desirable and being poor is not? Inconceivable.

  43. Randy Maddow and Special Ed Shultz apparently have sock puppet twitter accounts because one account is just not sufficient to spread the proper amount of idiocy.


    1. A Rhodes scholar like Maddowwould be ineligible to host a conservative talk show where a GED is somewhat too brainy for the common folk.

        1. You forgot “Christfag!! Christfag!!”

        2. I would have guessed Maddow would be ineligible because her current lackluster performance.

          That, or her cock’s just too big.

      1. all that education and so little common sense. What is it about these Rhodes types – Bill Bradley and Bill Clinton come to mind – that leads them to want to dictate how everyone else lives?

        My dad was a Fulbright Scholar but he didn’t have designs on govt being the sole source of everything.

        1. And Maddow is a gay woman who slept with one of her profs. She is an affirmative action baby if there ever was one.

        2. What is it about these Rhodes types – Bill Bradley and Bill Clinton come to mind – that leads them to want to dictate how everyone else lives?

          Read a little about the history of the Rhodes scholarship and you’ll understand.

          1. Cecil Rhodes, telling others how to live, chunks of a continent at a time!

      2. Like most Rhodes Scholars, Rachel Maddow is really a libertarian–she just doesn’t pass your vaunted “purity test”.


      4. “A Rhodes scholar like Maddowwould be ineligible to host a conservative talk show where a GED is somewhat too brainy for the common folk.”

        Probably, but since no such shows exist and we’re not a conservative website, I’ll move on to…

        The question of why you nut-hug Maddow so hard? Are you some kind of reverse fag-hag or something?

        It seems like the only time you pop up is to make a fool of yourself understanding economics or taking bait about MSNBC/Maddow.

    1. Is it disturbing that I thought the same thing?

    2. It looks like a sword fight with Lake Michigan.

    3. Oh good; I’m not in the threat area.

      1. In this case, the “threat zone” can be referred to as the “vagina.”

      2. Well, I am getting the shaft, apparently, thankee very much.

        Nikki, batten down the hatches, OK?

    4. Winter Storm “Dick”.

    5. Well, parts of America. It’s nice and sunny down here.

      1. Winter is a week late in leaving here. I am concerned that I will be in TX for all of Tallahassee’s “spring”.

        Speaking of Spring, I may be in that area next Monday night. Where’s a good place for a beer between there and TW that isn’t The Woodlands? Unless they’ve grown a decent bar in the last decade.

        1. Hmm. In the actual Woodlands is Goose’s Acre. Gets kinda loud on the weekends, but on a Monday, it should be okay.

          In Spring I’m partial to Tewbeleaux’s, but that’s mainly because it’s right outside my subdivision.

          Two Mules Tavern just opened up, and one of the local brewerys (Southern Star) recommended it. I haven’t made it out there yet, so try that at your own risk and report back.

          There’s also always the Molly’s just south of Rayford, but it’s a kind of a pit.

          1. Thanks, T. We may check some of those out. I think I’m still way over quota on drinks at Molly’s. I used to close that place down at the turn of the century.

            1. No probs. I’d volunteer to come help, but a 9 month old doesn’t leave much in the schedule for outings.

              1. All good. We’re staying with some friends on the South side Saturday and Sunday, then off to SXSW on Tuesday. Have to kill Monday and figured I’d take the gf around the old (and probably unrecognizable to me) stompin’ grounds.

                I call it the “If You Stay with Me, We’re Ending Up Here Within 2 Years, So Find a Way to Like It” tour.

    6. That isn’t snow that’s falling!

      1. Ewwwwww!

        /Teenaged Girl

  44. Karl Rove doesn’t think ideological purity should define good GOP candidates.

    Who could have seen that coming?

    1. IOW, Rove thinks it’s ok if GOP candidates are big government Democrat lites. I’m shocked.

  45. Dennis Rodman, who might know more about Kim Jung Un than anyone at the CIA, says the North Korean dictator wants a phone call from President Obama.

    Somebody wants a three-way.

    1. I don’t think Reggie Love would allow that.

    2. This totally deserves a Team America/Call Me Maybe youtube mashup.

      1. How long would it take for South Park to be cancled if it showed Obama going on the low down with Kim Jung Un? Talk about hitting a sore spot.

  46. http://www.althouse.blogspot.c…..ebate.html

    Sperling admits Obama lied about sequester. Now says about the Woodward fight ” We’ve got to move on. The country doesn’t care about this. This is about an intramural fight in a high school cafeteria; it should be over now.”

    Yeah, we just need to move on. But I thought Woodward was senile and needed to be destroyed for the common good? Now we just need to move on?

    1. Actually, John, that quotation is from Brokaw, although Sperling separately admitted that Woodward had the facts correct.

      1. Tom Brokaw is still alive?

        1. Inorite?

          This is a speck that became a sandstorm overnight, unfortunately, and I think it’s really reflective of the kind of media environment in which we live now, in which everybody’s looking to stir something up. When I was covering Watergate, there was a wise old bird who did commentary for The New Republic, and his named John Osborne. He was one of the great, great commentators in this town.

          He took me to lunch one day, and he’d had a blowup with the White House the day before. And he looked at me and he said, “You know, Brokaw, the problem is that journalists, all of us, we’ve got glass jaws. We throw punches; when somebody swings back, we go down with the first punch, screaming foul of some kind.” I think that’s what we have to keep in mind.

          Did he just kick the Juice Box Mafia (aka Journolist) in the nuts while no one was looking?

        2. Someone needs to tell Brokaw what the word “retirement” means. We shouldn’t have to keep putting up with his brain farts.

    2. What difference, at this point, does it make?

    3. Woodward is back in line already. He’s inviting dear leader over for a kiss and makeup.

  47. Well gize, it’s come down to this. I’m going to apply for a fucking government job. The opportunity and money are too good to pass up. If I get it, I can scratch moving to VT off my list, though I might have enough to buy a vacay home up there (although they tax-rape non-resident property owners).

    1. I’ve been dodging higher-paring, more secure government jobs for years. Some days, when I look at my hole of an apartment and dying economy car, I feel like a fucking fool.

      1. *higher-paying…

        Despite my obvious lack of intelligence, these jobs keep popping up in path.

    2. Sell out. As long as you don’t give a shit about ever doing anything meaningful or productive and have hobbies and ways to enjoy your considerable paycheck, it is great.

    3. Everybody’s gotta eat, KK. I’m sure working for the .gov will just make you hate it even more. I credit my years in the military with making me distrustful of the fedgov.

      1. T, there is only one thing I can say to that…. Amen!

    4. Local government or Federal?

    5. BuSab. Take their money and be just competent enough to not get fired. I’m about to jump into health care IT consulting. I expect to suck on the Fedgov teat for a long while to come.

      1. I finally read that (Whipping Star). Pretty good. I’d like more on the Bureau of Sabotage. Or more of it right now.

        1. Have you read The Dosadi Experiment? It’s too bad he didn’t do more with that universe. I think there are only those two novels and a short story or two.

          1. That’s next. My library doesn’t have it, but I think I own it somewhere in my thousands of books.

    6. If you get it, keep monitoring the effects disillusionment/cynicism have on your health.

      1. “disillusionment/cynicism”

        or embrace them, wait a few years, and move to K street. that’s what I did.

        the dark side has a lot to offer.

    7. Learn the system so you know how to destroy it from within 🙂

    8. I already work on the team where this job opened up, as a contractor, for 6 years. I have become much more of a libertarian since taking this job!

      1. Don’t give in to the power of the Dark Side.

        1. But it’s so. much. more. money. Mmmmmm…..money…….*adjusts monocle*

          1. I worked for the fedgov for 8 months. Couldn’t stand it any longer. Doing things intelligently and efficiently is frowned upon and incompetence is cause for a promotion.

            My boss was an idiot who couldn’t figure out how to replace the battery in a UPS device. (it literally was 2 screws and a drawer). The conference calls I was forced to sit in on made me want to scream at the people above me. (thank god for the mute button). It took 2 teams of people and 4 managers a month to figure out how to change a single variable in a program even after I explicitly told them what to change and how.

            I made more money at that job than at my current one, but wouldn’t go back for twice what they paid. My sanity isn’t worth it.

            Congrats and good luck to you, though.

  48. Dear al-Anders,

    We’re hosting a dinner party, and I can’t decide how to seat the guests. Boy-girl, boy-girl, or what?

    Thanks for your help.

    Nancy in Springfield

    1. Dear Nancy,

      It should be boy-boy, girl-girl, boy-sheep and girl-goat. Switch it around a few times so everyone can enjoy themselves.

      Yours in Jihad,

      1. and remember to separate established boy-sheep couples. never seat couples together at a dinner party.

    2. It’s “Dear Abu”! Sheesh!

      1. Dear al-Anders. Ann al-Anders.

        1. We get it.

          You’re still a vile, filthy kafir infidel pigdog, however.

          1. You’re still a vile, filthy kafir infidel pigdog, however.

            Well duh, dude. And…he’s a Floridian.

            1. I thought python and gator were halal.

            2. Are you kidding? The terrorists love Florida. They came here for their training, visited some strip clubs, probably paid unclean homage to the Mouse, then left Florida unmolested to destroy some stuff and kill a lot of people up north.

              Of course, someone casting stones from Ohio, well, I don’t think I need to explain the problem with that.

  49. Such a horrible injustice. Man that fired 41 shots at suspect faces the terrible prospect that he may not be able to do so again.

    FTA: The department at first said that Tuter opened fire in fear of his life, but dashboard camera video raised concerns after it showed that Tuter had rammed Allen’s truck and fired 41 shots after he cornered Allen. Tuter reloaded twice, police said.


    Tuter’s attorney said his client does not agree with the department’s decision to fire him and will appeal.
    “The indefinite suspension was based upon alleged violations of the Garland Police Department’s internal, administrative policies,” the attorney said in a statement. “However, Officer Tuter’s actions were justified under this state’s penal code, and the indefinite suspension will be appealed under state civil service law.”

    No such thing as a double-standard. I’m sure anybody else guilty of premeditated murder in Texas walks.

    1. Err, Texas is not a good state for comparisons. I’m not going to venture an opinion on this case because I have processed all the details, but TX use of deadly force statutes are pretty liberal compared to the rest of the country. You can shoot people for vandalism down here.

      1. Err, haven’t processed.

      2. I would imagine even in Texas that the “reloading twice” bit would get a “civilian” in hotter water than losing their job.

  50. Brooklyn, New York police officer gets in argument with his wife. Decides she’s too tough for him to take on, so he punches his three year old son in the face instead.

    No word yet on who the union has appointed to defend him.

    1. You give a monopoly on violence, you get violence.

    2. was he trained not to punch three year olds in the face?

    3. Kid was a threat to officer safety.


    4. Also, “No More Hesitation.”

      1. How can we hesitate shooting the children? We have to shoot them in order to save them!

  51. What will theft by fraud get you? If you’re a Newbern, Tenn cop, it’ll get you fired

    FTA: Wright said the investigation is ongoing and there could be more disciplinary actions within the department on this matter, pending their investigation.

    “If we were to determine that there was intent, especially a pattern of intent to cheat the time sheet, then I believe there may very well be criminal prosecution to follow for the theft,” said Wright.

    These fuckers are from another planet.

    1. How dare they question his timesheet?! Jesus. Imagine if that happened in the big cities where your last year’s or 3 years’ average salary determines your pension pay. I’d love to see the fucking audits on those. “Sgt. Smith got 2000 hours of overtime the last 3 years? Do you have any documentation on that?”

  52. Decides she’s too tough for him to take on, so he punches his three year old son in the face instead.

    Tried and true gangster tactic. Go after the target’s loved ones first.

    And, of course, the “good cops” will shun him, right? And run him out of the guild.

    *I crack myself up.

    1. And you crack me up as well, Brooksie.

      No, he’ll go right back to work on the gang unit so his rage can be properly channeled into thumping guys selling dime bags to their neighbors and guys who happen to wear the wrong color shirt one day.

      Fuck the NYPD. They’re the least professional, most corrupt police force in America (excluding possibly the LAPD and CPD)

      1. No love for Seattle PD?

        1. I was hoping to make it through a day without being labeled a member of the bigorati. Now you’ve ruined it for me because I have to say that SPD is at the top of the list for corrupt, malicious and downright evil police departments.

          1. Unpossable, Dunphy is on the beat, he keeps all the others in line.

  53. So SF sets city workers’ pay via ‘local pay rates’, which, since other municipalities do the same, means it’s a self-generating increase.
    Even by that standard, several people are grossly overpaid. Does SF cut the pay? Of course not; SF uses that to bargain for lower raises elsewhere.
    Well, we can’t have that! Some of that gross overpayment may go to ‘wimienz of color’!
    (“Payday”, half way down):

  54. Tomorrow the State Congressional session opens in FL, and my office, which is a block from the Capitol, is full of what I can only assume are leaches and their toadies. Ugh. Not quite pretty people with toothy smiles and cheap suits.

    1. They can’t all be Bayshore wives….

    1. Mark Twain: cat lover, bear

  55. Fuck the NYPD. They’re the least professional, most corrupt police force in America (excluding possibly the LAPD and CPD)

    But I just saw somebody on the teevee recently who was claiming the NYPD had made the city livable again, what with their ruthless crackdown on violent gun criminals. Stop and Intimidate should be standard procedure in every city in America.

    1. Sure, they made NYC livable. In the same way that having one capo di tutti capos made it livable in The Godfather. Their gang ran all the others out of the areas where the people who paid protection wanted to live, work, and play.

  56. Man gets harassed because of sprint cell phone GPS tracking glitch. But the best part is how he was almost shot by the cops.

    About two weeks later he was awakened at 4 a.m. by a person prowling along the side of his house. Dobson followed a flashlight beam to his bathroom window. When he looked out, the person flashed the light in his face.

    “I screamed at him, ‘Who are you? Get out of my yard!’?” Dobson said. “And he said, ‘We’re the police, open the door.’?”

    North Las Vegas cops had received a 911 call from a woman on a cellphone who was arguing with a man. The argument was escalating, but dispatchers weren’t able to get a location from the woman.

    They looked at the location of the phone and sent officers, who arrived minutes later at Dobson’s house. He was taken outside to his front yard and searched. When officers realized the mistake, they apologized.

    Dobson said he is grateful that he didn’t confront the officers with a weapon.

    “I would have been on the losing end, and it would have been because of that issue,” he said.

    Good thing you didn’t confront people prowling around your property at 4 AM with a gun.

    1. And the cops decided prowling around unannounced with a flashlight instead of, I don’t know, knocking of the damn door, was a good idea why?

      1. Officer safety

        1. I mean, look, this thug admitted that he had thoughts about a gun. Cops need to learn that even when someone does not have a gun that they might be thinking about getting a gun. Therefore, they should just open fire on the house, or maybe just burn it down.

          Afterwards, if they just happened to be at the wrong house, officer safety would have been ensured, and they can send an apology letter to the guys family, if there were any left that they didn’t shoot or burn alive.

          1. If I was in this guy’s situation, people harassing me all the time thinking I’d stolen their phones, God knows what kind of drunk pissed-off asshole breaking into my house in the middle of the night to deal some “justice” I’d definitely have had a gun in that situation…and be dead.

            1. That’s why I keep a flashlight beside my bed. I want to know who I am shooting at, before I start shooting.

              This is also why no knock raids should be outlawed. Cops should always have to knock and identify themselves. Not doing so takes away our right to self defense.

              1. The problem is they can just claim they declared themselves anyway. Or maybe they did, in a normal voice, while the innocent recipient of the wrong-door raid was in the back fast asleep.

    2. Apparently he didn’t have a dog either.

    3. Serious question: what would be the normal way to confront a prowler on your property at 4 AM in Prague? Are they more or less likely to be a criminal? Are the homeowners more or less likely to have a weapon? Etc. Etc.

      I’ve often wondered what people, especially what passes for a libertarian, react like in different parts of the world when confronted with what we see regularly in the news.

      1. Don’t resist. Invite the prowler in for tea, give him all your stuff, and after he leaves, call the police.

        1. In Britain you can actually get thrown in prison for shooting a home invader in self defense. Here I think they’d give you a medal.

          1. I’m not so sure about the medal in some states or cities.

            In Britain, I think you can kill a home invader, you just can’t do it with a gun. I heard about a guy over there shooting a home invader with a crossbow and he wasn’t prosecuted.

            One of the best home invasion stories I have ever heard, back a couple of years ago, was when some kid in Baltimore hacked up a guy who was stealing stuff out of his garage, with a samurai sword.

            Ninja Kid

            The comment by the cops, that the kid wasn’t a Ninja is just hilarious. Derp.

          2. Oh wait, you aren’t in the US.

            1. Yeah, not being able to defend yourself stems a lot from a PC mindset and PC isn’t here (yet!).

              1. Well, if I were you guys, I would use guns to stop it from getting there, if necessary.

      2. It’s hard for me to say personally because we own a flat on the fourth floor of an apt building, prowlers and home invasion is not really an issue.

        There is a lot more petty crime here, but a lot less violent crime in my experience. Lot of pickpocketing, purse stealing, etc. We’ve had the basement storage broken into several times which is not unusual. These are typically drug addict crimes, pico-heads sort of the Czech equivalent of methheads. At least that’s who they from what I’ve seen when they actually get caught. I did see some woman’s backpack with all her stuff, keys, phone, etc get ripped off right in front of me at the local playground. Looked like a well-dressed high school kid who though it was cool.

        As far as guns go, I’ve seen a lot more people packing here than I ever saw in the states, especially when I first got here. I had a business partner who OC’d a 9 mm.

        1. Thanks. I’ll remember that the next time I make fun of an Eastern European.

          1. It’s still ok to make fun of Western Europeans, in fact, it’s required.

          2. But you can still make fun of them for their vacuum cleaners.

            Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

            Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

  57. My brother is in restaurant management, so I couldn’t help but send him this: Any retard can run a successful restaurant.

    When he was 13 years old, Tim Harris told people that one day he would own and operate a restaurant.

    And for the past three years, he has: Tim’s Place, of Albuquerque, N.M.

    This is a big deal, because Harris, now 27, has Down Syndrome. Running a restaurant-or any business, for that matter-was never something that was expected of him.

    1. But I thought sarcasmic had gotten out of the restaurant business.

      I keed! I keed!

    2. In Albuquerque having an extra chromosome or two might actually work to your advantage. And I say this as someone who was born and raised there.

    3. My wife watches those restaurant rescue shows all of the time. I have never worked in a restaurant. And I am not claiming I could run one. But from watching those shows, it seems it wouldn’t be that hard. People’s restaurants are always failing for one or more of the following reasons,

      1. They are too lazy to clean the kitchen
      2. They have a menu so huge that they can’t make it properly
      3. They are too lazy to do basic prep work so they rely on frozen and microwaved food rather than making fresh food
      4. They are too stupid or cheap or bullheaded to hire a proper cook.

      All of those things can be eliminated by a little hard work and common sense. No reason why a Downs’ kid couldn’t do it.

      1. it seems it wouldn’t be that hard.

        I am sure one of the hardest parts would be putting up with the government shit you would have to put up with, running a business that involves food and alcohol.

        No way I would ever attempt it.

        1. I shouldn’t say “hard”. It seems it would be reasonably simple but would require a lot of hard work, which is something a lot of people won’t do.

        2. As one that is currently in the process of starting a food company, (Monocle Foods), I can assure you it is rather arduous and costly. Still can’t find an approved independent lab to do our testing for less than an absurd amount of money. And without that, we can’t ship jar #1.

          1. Wait until the government inspectors show up and you have to pretend that you like them and understand that they are doing a real job. This is the point where I would fail.

      2. I’ve spent some time around people who have successful high-end restaurants and they are invariably incredible assholes. That’s either a big advantage or an acquired trait for the business.

        1. I loved it when I ran a high-end restaurant. But it was in a resort and with that you have a pretty captive audience. Of course, I woke up at 5 every morning and went to sleep around midnight, but it was worthwhile when Wolfgang Puck walks into your kitchen and tells you what a pleasure it was to eat your food.*

          *At least that’s what the owner told me he said after he left.

          1. That wasn’t in the restaurant, per se. My boss was asked to design a menu and oversee a huge fundraiser dinner Christopher Reeve was throwing for 500 people (at $1k a plate). Wolfgang Puck came back into the kitchen and palled around with my boss, whom he knew from the Ritz in Lausanne, and when my boss asked Chef Puck what he ate, he told him it was my creation. He told me if I ever needed a job to come to LA and look him up. That was 16 years ago and I still get goosebumps thinking about it. Definitely a highlight of my professional life.

          2. I think you have to be a bit of an asshole because it is the nature of the business. You have employees who are low paid and don’t give a shit and some of whom can be thieves or just bums. You have purveyors who are totally fucking thieves and will take the pennies off a dead man’s eye lid. I never got the impression it is business for the faint of heart.

          3. Well the two guys I know are owners and are pretty wealthy now, they certainly don’t work crazy hours and haven’t for a long time as far as I can tell. But I think they were in the biz for all their lives. I figured that they were typical but it’s just two data points.

  58. Don’t go away mad Shitt Flopney, but please do go away.

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