LAPD Cop-Turned-Sex Toy Mogul Reminisces About Choking Suspects Until They Defecated

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Steve Shubin, the Austin-based maker of the popular mens pleasure device known as the "Fleshlight," was the subject of a fascinating profile in the Austin Chronicle last month. The focus of the story is Shubin's complete domination of the fake vagina market, but there's also a section about Shubin's days working for the Los Angeles Police Department; days he sorely misses, because he used to be able to slap and choke people:

If you'd told Steve Shubin circa the late Seventies that at 59 years old, he would be running a company that manufactures discrete artificial vaginas, he'd have laughed. Back then, Shubin was a member of the Los Angeles Police Department – he spent six of his seven years in the force on the SWAT team – and he loved it. "I used to joke when paychecks came in, 'I feel bad about taking this!' In college, I was a defensive lineman and linebacker, and I went right from there to the police academy and chasing bad guys – and I got paid for it! It was amazing."

Shubin gets giddy talking about being a cop. "I couldn't do it today," he says, but not just because he's 59. "Today, everybody's got a camera, and everybody's got a lawyer. Steve Shubin would be fired in a month." He describes his days as a cop as "the best job I ever had," and that's up to and including his current gig raking in a bazillion dollars by selling Fleshlights. Shubin gushes about it.

"If somebody needs their face slapped, they're getting their face slapped," he says, talking about his style of policing – but, he laments, "You can't do that anymore." He talks about this stuff so openly, I almost wonder if he remembers that my recorder is on. "I've killed people before. I've done everything. I have choked hundreds of people unconscious. Did I enjoy it? No," he says – and when he explains why not, he says that it's because a person who's choked out poops their pants. Why'd he stop? The pay was bad. "There wasn't much money in policing," he says.

The profile ran on May 11. Several days later, the Austin Chronicle published a letter from Shubin trying to walk back some of what he said about his policing career:

After reading the story, I thought, "This sounds like a pissed-off ex-cop that missed choking people out, had a lot of money, a lot of fancy cars, was misunderstood, mistreated by bankers, rejected by organizations that needed donations, whose neighbors would not wave to him. What an idiot!" 

Wow. I thought, "If I gave that impression, I don't know what I was thinking," but that is not correct at all!

The truth is, I had a seven-year, action-packed law enforcement career 30 years ago. I loved police work and could not do the job today. Officers are watched and judged through every step of their day-to-day duties. This level of constant scrutiny hinders their decision-making process under pressure and puts them at major risk.

The world is a better place now that Shubin is making fake vaginas and not arrests. 

NEXT: From the People Who Brought You Homicide!

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  1. He didn’t like it because they crapped their pants? That’s the only reason? It wasn’t because he was chocking another human being? No, he just didn’t like the smell afterwards. What an asshole.

  2. In this case, judging a book by its cover worked out well. He looks like a gigantic fucking douchebag who needs to get slapped (and much, much more).

  3. Now that the squirrels seem to have bedded down for their morning nap…
    Survivalist Reality Show Winner to Get Own Bunker

  4. So the pocket pussy market is currently dominated by a degenerate? While I hope that this knowledge will drive purchasers to his competitors, we have to look at the bright side: at least in his new career he’s making a positive contribution to society, an unlikely outcome for anyone who remains with the LAPD.

    1. We should also be glad he isn’t making anything that’s designed to enter your body, cos he would make it hurt

    2. “So the pocket pussy market is currently dominated by a degenerate?”

      Yes, that’s certainly a surprise.

      1. I don’t think she used the term “degenarate” in the sense you understood it.

  5. How did this get left out?

    from his ranch in Dripping Springs.

    If there were ever a town for a abusive sex toy mogul to live in…

    1. Shit, wonder if I’ve seen this guy around. My Grandparents live there.

  6. “I couldn’t do it today. Today, everybody’s got a camera, and everybody’s got a lawyer. Steve Shubin would be fired in a month.”

    That’s where you’re wrong, Steve Shubin.

    1. Maybe his behavior was just THAT blatant. What would REALLY happen is that after several years of abuse, he would get fired…. only to get hired at a different police department.

    2. Perhaps he meant that his endless gloating about he and his comrades’ actions may be perceived as snitching, and if there’s one thing that gets you fired, it’s snitching.

      1. *his, not he

  7. The world is a better place now that Shubin is making fake vaginas and not arrests.

    There must be some monument somewhere upon which this can be inscribed for posterity.

    1. There must be some monument somewhere upon which this can be inscribed for posterity.

      His headstone??

      1. Nahh….not enough people would see it.

  8. The focus of the story is Shubin’s complete domination of the fake vagina market,

    Seems to me we need the Feds to break up this monopoly on rubber vaginas… starting with this rubber vagina who runs it.

    1. I would have thought that cheap, Chinese vaginas would have forced him out of business long ago.

    2. Time to take down….wait for it…….Big Vagina!

  9. I used to joke when paychecks came in, ‘I feel bad about taking this!’

    You should have, but for a different reason.

    1. Don’t bother. He’d just get a blank look, then get mad and start hitting stuff. Like most cops. Where’d Dunphy with this guy’s overdue Hero’s Medal?

      1. Knew I shouldn’t have paid extra for the moving “S” key.

      2. Knew I shouldn’t have paid extra for the moving “S” key.

  10. “When I was seventeen
    It Was very good very year…”

  11. tell us more about the people you’ve killed Shubin.

  12. “This sounds like a pissed-off ex-cop that missed choking people out, had a lot of money, a lot of fancy cars, was misunderstood, mistreated by bankers, rejected by organizations that needed donations, whose neighbors would not wave to him. What an idiot!”

    If a new ice age comes tomorrow bankers will be to blame for it. No. No. Bankers are not to blame, this guy’s just a fucking psycho okay?

  13. Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
    The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
    Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
    The Dude: Oh yeah?
    Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don’t like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
    The Dude: Johnson?

    1. Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.

  14. I’m sure they’re “discrete”, but the word you’re looking for, Dude Who Riggs Quoted, is “discreet”.

    1. I only like continuous fake vaginas.

  15. Real cunt makes bank selling fake cunts.

    And seriously, what the fuck sort of twit refers to themselves in the third person?

    1. what the fuck sort of twit refers to themselves in the third person?

      Apparently a narcissistic cockstain who dislikes choking people because they poop their pants.

      “Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!”

  16. lol, dude sounds like a real d-bag to me man.

    http://www.Privacy-Not.tk

  17. Where’s Sagurfree? He’s a big fan of fleshlight Inc. He must feel dirty.

    1. I got one and found it a little too snug, even if you take the fleshy part out of the plastic flashlight part.

      Now I know why.

  18. Zack Brown: Good. I’m getting tired of fuckin’ a fleshlight.
    Miriam Linky: [laughing] You fucked it?
    Zack Brown: Yeah.
    Miriam Linky: What’d it feel like?
    Zack Brown: …fucking a flashlight

  19. Yet another illustration of the proverb that “99% of cops give the rest a bad name.”

    1. You’re too generous.

  20. So basically he went from one choking and beating industry to another choking and beating industry.

    And they market those in gay skin mags and porn vids too. They aren’t fake vajayjays specifically.

    1. They make V ones, A ones and M ones.

      1. How about cavity wounds? From the sounds of it, this guy’s probably done it.

  21. So basically he went from one choking and beating industry to another choking and beating industry.

    And they market those in gay skin mags and porn vids too. They aren’t fake vajayjays specifically.

  22. Am I the only one thinking the dude looks like Ron Perlman’s long lost twin brother?

    1. Either that or Ron White’s.

    2. Not the only one.

  23. i’m familiar with this. i’ve never heard such idiocy, such profanity, contradictory ignorance, wanton disregard for laws, and so much else. this guy is basically a beverly hillbilly that struck oil. his success doesn’t change his complete lack of general mental acumen, but it does accentuate his complete douchebag persona. yes, he’s as bad as the article insinuates, but the reality is so, so, so much worse. you people trashing him genuinely have no idea how much worse it is, and how right you are. the horror of steve shubin and fleshlight is so absolutely legendary that it’s a punchline for those in the know.

    1. Well, give us some juicy anecdotes, Bob!

      1. i would love to, but they are famously litigious and would not take too kindly to airing dirty laundry. controlling the PR image problem is a new thing for them, and it’s not a stretch to imagine them solving the problem with a sledgehammer. that’s kind of the MO there.

        i will say that they contradict themselves in business continuously, ego is king like you wouldn’t believe, you leave when you get fired, and it’s an endless cyclical stream of repeating the same mistakes. it’s like watching spoiled, mentally disabled children in a sandbox.

  24. For some reason, none of this surprises me.

  25. Well one thing is clear: the reason this man would need an artificial vagina.

    1. Some women will go for a domineering jerk with loads of money. Hell, I personally know some women who go for domineering broke jerks.

  26. Really i appreciate the effort you made to share the knowledge..

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