Reason Morning Links: Happy Birthday Mr. President, Raw Food Raids, and Playboy Insiders in Trouble

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President Obama turns 50 today. If you're wondering what to get for the man who has everything, the answer is cash. Or a tie, maybe.

The husband of former Playboy CEO Christie Hefner is accused of insider trading. (Insert insider trader double entendre here) (Heh, I said insert.)

Rep. David Wu (D-Ore.) is officially out.

Still no Federal Aviation Administration reauthorization as Congress bails out for their August vacay. As usual, President Obama blames "politics," in which he apparently does not engage.

Your cell phone still doesn't cause brain cancer, sez science.

New at Reason.tv: Rawesome Foods has been raided for selling raw milk. Again.

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  1. Read the summary on p.3 at least:
    Report of the Special Examination of Fannie Mae (PDF)

    Sign of Advancing Society? An Organized War Effort
    Some archaeologists have painted primitive societies as relatively peaceful, implying that war is a reprehensible modern deviation. Others have seen war as the midwife of the first states that arose as human population increased and more complex social structures emerged to coordinate activities.

    A wave of new research is supporting this second view. …

    …With the same process now documented in both North and South America, “we are coming closer to having a model for pristine state formation that may have worldwide significance,” Dr. Marcus said. “It also shows that our species, when thrust into almost identical circumstances, behaves in almost identical ways.”

    Dr. Stanish believes that warfare was the midwife of the first states that arose in many regions of the world, including Mesopotamia and China as well as the Americas.

    The first states, in his view, were not passive affairs driven by forces beyond human control, like climate and geography, as some historians have supposed. Rather, they were shaped by human choice as people sought new forms of cooperation and new institutions for the more complex societies that were developing. Trade was one of these cooperative institutions for consolidating larger-scale groups; warfare was the other….

    …But group-level selection is more likely to operate the fiercer the competition is between groups. Samuel Bowles, an economist at the Santa Fe Institute, believes warfare between early human groups was intense, and explains the very slow growth of population prior to 20,000 years ago….

    …Of the regional chiefdoms that start a war for dominance, all but one will perish before the pristine state is formed. So why not form nonaggression pacts rather than take such a gamble?…

    …Another reason is that elites who run chiefly societies “are very aggressive and competitive ? they assassinate rivals even when they are siblings or half-siblings,” Dr. Marcus said. “Competitive interaction is one of the most powerful driving forces in evolution, whether biological or social.”

    1. A combination of factors led Fannie Mae senior management, through their actions and inactions, to commit or tolerate a wide variety of unsafe and unsound practices and conditions.

      Delightful. I can see it now. “A combination of factors led the President ….” “A combination of factors led Congress ….”

      We are so screwed.

      1. A combination of factors lead the President to dissolve the Senate permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away forever. The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line.

        Nothing else happened.

    2. Others have seen war as the midwife of the first states that arose as human population increased and more complex social structures emerged to coordinate activities.

      So, the state has its roots in coordinated violence? Color me surprised.

      1. 81 South reopens after tour bus crash

        Interstate 81 has reopened following a serious accident overnight. A tour bus carrying 30 passengers rolled over on I-81 south, just outside of Binghamton Wednesday night. Officials say passengers aboard the bus were part of a Polish tour group.

        Authorities say 20 of the 30 passengers were taken to the hospital, including one woman who ended up pinned under the bus.

        Local libertarians cite crash as proof that all tour buses are unsafe, crack lame Polish jokes. Nothing else happens.

        http://www.9wsyr.com/news/loca…..6Ruqg.cspx

        1. I guess the Polish driver didn’t realize the wheels were supposed to go on the bottom.

        2. Fullerton, CA.

          EOM

        3. Troll-Free Thursdays, e’r’rybody.

        4. CBS news has a piece on the killing of Kelly Thomas.

          You’ve all been waiting to here them say it. CBS includes the money quote:

          A police spokesman, Sgt. Andrew Goodrich, said the case was an isolated incident.

          “We have a good department full of good individuals,” he said. “We’ve made more than half-a-million law enforcement contacts over the past 4.5 years … This is the only instance of this kind that’s happened.”

          Well, Ok then. Just another isolated incident.

          1. On my first day of basic training back many years ago, the DI said one thing that has stuck with me all these years. “Don’t matter how many ‘Atta boys’ you got, one ‘Aw shit’ will erase them all and follow you as long as you live.” Or words to that effect.

            1. The Space Shuttles were safe 67.5% of the time!

            2. Especially the aw, shit that kills someone in cold blood.

          2. A police spokesman, Sgt. Andrew Goodrich, said the case was an isolated incident.

            “We have a good department full of good individuals,” he said. “We’ve made more than half-a-million law enforcement contacts over the past 4.5 years … This is the only instance of this kind that’s happened.”

            Sounds “isolated” to me, if words have meanings.

      2. Apparently, those societies that declined to engage in organized violence did not last long.

        Color me shocked.

    3. “Others have seen war as the midwife of the first states that arose as human population increased and more complex social structures emerged to coordinate activities.”

      So yet again scientists are proving what we already know, i.e., “war is the health of the state”.

  2. One of my lefty friends is all pissy about the raw food raid – she’s into making her own cheese, preserves, etc – but somehow doesn’t see the connection between big government and the reduction of freedom(s).

    We apparently just need the “right” big government that does everything that she wants… or something.

    1. All our fault.

      1. Corpurashuns and Chemicals!

    2. Just tell her its for her own good despite what she thinks.

      1. I’ll send her a few Reason links and see if I can slowly poison her mind.

        1. I’ll send her a few Reason links …Are you trying to make her hate men?

          1. Rather, as someone who’s blatantly suggestive to some of the posters here, I doubt very much that you hate men.

            1. MOI?
              I confess I love to hate them

              1. poor poor rather

          2. she’s already married with three kids – of course she hates men.

            1. Well, at least she’s getting her revenge on at least one of them.

    3. I feel your pain. I live in austin, tx and am surrounded by the same people with the same disconnect.

      1. Move out to Cedar Park like I did. You get different people with difference disconnects

        1. Used to live in Leander, too far to get to work and too much time on 183. Despite the local gov’t and the voters, at least the 19% who show up for local elections, austin is the best place I’ve lived in TX.

          1. Austin is a cesspool. We left there for Dallas (Richardson, specifically) five years ago and have never looked back. Better schools, better roads, more to do. You can’t beat it.

            1. Really? Richardson? Grew up here and can’t stand it. Then again, about 15 years ago, it too was a cesspool.

    4. While I think people out to be able to sell unpasteurized milk and cheese, the hippies in the video I saw were idiots, yelling something like, “I hope you choke on your Mansanto cow milk”.

      Mansanto is like the Kochtupus of the food world.

      1. Yes. I used to by Seeds of Change organic seeds at my local grocery co-op. Then a few years ago they switched to another brand. I asked why. They said it was because Seeds of Change was owned by Monsanto. And I’m thinking, if a large company is moving into organic seed production, you should reward them buy buying their organic seeds.

    5. Tell your friend not to freak out. She is perfectly free to make her own cheese and preserves, and nobody will stop her.

    1. Whew!

    2. Isn’t Canadian football what we call soccer?

      1. Yes, but Canadian soccer is what we call NASCAR. Canadian NASCAR involves setting midget clowns on fire and re-enacting the birth of the cosmos with an airplane emergency chute and a railgun with two-kilo steel-jacketed ice rounds.

        1. Do you have a newsletter?

        2. Do you have a newsletter?

        3. Do you have a newsletter?

        4. I would pay goo dmoney to watch that, as I bet most of the commenters here would.

    3. Any missed field goal that lands in the end zone and is not brought out, will also count as a single point for the kicking team.

      Well now, that’s just silly.

      1. The last thing football needs is more incentives for field goals.

      2. The rogue is the greatest play in football. The fact that it only exists in otherwise silly Canadian football is beside the point.

        1. rouge. Although the rogue would be awesome too.

    1. Healthy and local are two words not normally spoken in the same sentence when describing Venice.

    1. The town’s police chief, Franco Fuda, pulled up and asked her to remove the plastic testicles.

      “It was a dark and stormy night.”

      1. The town’s police chief, Franco Fuda, pulled up and asked her to remove the plastic testicles.

        Hawt.

        1. *queues funky porn music*

          1. Bwow chicka mow mow

        2. The police chief has plastic testicles?
          Figures.

    2. Important: Does the Fourth Amendment protect “truck nuts”?

      Only in your own home. Or something.

      1. Yeah but they have to be disassembled and locked up. You can’t allow people to have functional trucknuts just lying around the house.

        1. Functional?!

          1. Well, yeah. Where do you think Ford Fiesta’s come from?

      2. Why do they have to remove the truck nuts? Can’t they just put on truck pants?

        1. Those damn kids with their saggy truckpantz!

    3. This has to include condoms, or it’s blatantly sexist.

    4. Has Garrett Epps had anything to say about the constitutionality of truck nuts?

    5. Speaking of truck nuts, this article (while hitting lots of topics we like here like government incompetence and Elon Musk) has a picture of what appear to be the most expensive truck nuts ever.

      1. Holy crap, Elon Musk goes to Burning Man!

    6. Did the chief properly cup the testicles during inspection?

  3. Good Morning Reason!

  4. Your cell phone still doesn’t cause brain cancer, sez science.

    In other news, scientists discover those with brain cancer can’t detect brain cancer.

    In even more other news, 100% of scientists found to use cell phones.

    1. Cell phones…brain cells…coincidence?

      1. You just blew my mind!

    2. Serious question: Why is it apparently so difficult to determine whether phone-produced electromagnetic radiation affects brain tissue? Science knows (I believe) that intense X-, say, or IR radiation is bad for your brain. Can’t (PETA look away) experimenters just hook a mouse or two up to a phone for a while? Aren’t there any physical “first principles” at the cellular level that can be invoked?

      1. We already have a couple of billion people with them held to the side of their heads for hours of every day.

        Q: Has there been a rocketing increase – or any increase – in brain cancer?
        A: NO

        1. Thanks, Bardas. Let me rephrase the question: Are the effects of radiation on brain tissue truly *so mysterious* that we have to observe large populations for long times to understand them *at all*?

          1. Nope! But it’s a scary enough topic that there’s plenty of funding available.

            1. ** scratches chin, considers becoming an economist **

      2. They’ve been trying to prove/disprove that the em field from high voltage wires cause brain cancer for years. Unfortunately for the alarmists, children who live under power lines are on average healthier, most likely because it is healthier to live on a farm than in the city. Correlation != causation and all that.

        1. In 6th grade I had to come up with a hypothesis and experiment for science class 9was a really good class too) and the subject matter was unimportant. The teacher wanted to test and teach how to use logic and deductive processes. I chose the crystal formation of sugar in water affected by electrical fields so as to be a corrollary to “living under power lines”. I kind of wish we actually had done the experiments.
          ..missed my calling, i am in fucking telecom now.

      3. Why is it apparently so difficult to determine whether phone-produced electromagnetic radiation affects brain tissue?

        Our money

        1. Science happens in a vacuum, isolated from the influence of filthy lucre.

          1. Excellent! Are you here all work? Don’t forget to tell the patrons to tip the wait staff.

            1. Trust me: I’m a doctor.

              1. Sorry, that doesn’t inspire confidence.

              2. Beating one’s kid sister once or twice at the game Operation does not make one a doctor.

        2. Why is it apparently so difficult to forego funding for pointless investigations to determine whether phone-produced electromagnetic radiation affects brain tissue?

          You gotta ask the right question.

      4. Try this from IEEE:

        http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/xpl…..er=5162061

        An issue of IEEE Spectrum several years ago ‘splained rather nicely that the majority of radiation is in the spectrum that Microwaves inhabit…it may create localized heating of cells, but penetration of the skull was unlikely at those frequencies.

        1. That’s the thing with cancer: some things increase risk of cancer purely because they kill cells. And every time a new cell splits, there’s a certain chance for it to mutate. So cell phones may not make cells more likely to mutate cancerously, but if they force them to split more often to replace damaged cells, a cancerous mutation would still become more likely. Because of the increased number of splits.

          tl;dr: Maybe we should worry more about ear cancer than brain cancer.

          1. ear cancer

            Eewww!!

      5. Yes, and the answer is that radio photons lack the energy necessary to excite atoms in biological molecules to the extent necessary to damage said molecules. There’s a big difference between ionizing radiation (which is just higher energy photons) and radio waves. E=h*nu

      6. Cancer causes cell phones.

        http://xkcd.com/925/

  5. Or a tie, maybe.

    I’ll save MSNBC some time tonight:
    Racist! Nooses have knots.

    1. Or is that neese?

      1. I hate neeses to pieces!

  6. Insert insider trader double entendre here

    I’d like to double her entendre.

  7. Obama blames “politics,” in which he apparently does not engage.

    Yep, he blames politics. George W. Politics.

    1. I can buy that Maddow was created by an evil wizard.

    2. Well, she used to be a (bottle) blonde.

    3. I imagine her more as a barbie doll. No nipples, and a smooth pelvic area. Well that or extremely hairy.

      1. Wrong. She has a huge, flaming penis.

  8. President Obama turns 50 today. If you’re wondering what to get for the man who has everything, the answer is cash. Or a tie, maybe.

    But not a purple tie!

    1. You better warn SEIU about that.

  9. I wonder if Rawesome Foods are the new Schecter brothers.

  10. My neighbours’ sex life is wrecking my sleep
    http://www.theglobeandmail.com…..le2118433/

    1. Shitting the Future!

      1. Good times.

        Years from now, as I’m hiding from the Australian rape/biker gangs in a burnt out building, I’ll remember these as the Salad Days.

        1. Now for the toss my salad days.

          1. STEVE SMITH TOSS HIKER SALAD ALL DAY

            1. THEN RAPE!

        2. Is “Salad Days” an Australianism?

          1. I think its a Raising Arizona-ism.

            1. Monty Python did it first.
              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…..re=related

          2. Coined by Williams Shakspeare:

            “…My salad days, / When I was green in judgment, cold in blood…”

            Antony and Cleopatra

            1. I guess salads are green and cold…

    2. If I can afford debt — a mortgage — 2.5x my annual income, the federal government is still in good shape, right? Right?

      1. Well sure – but not of you keep buying houses.

      2. It’s all about future earning potential. You can afford that mortgage because you predict many years of earning in your future to balance it out.

        1. But the federal government predicts many years of tax revenue in its future to balance it out cover about 60% of it. That’s got to be almost as good.

          1. That’s 60% of the minimum amount needed. So, close enough, right?

            1. Close enough for government work, yeah. Are you some kind of budget terrorist?

      3. 2.5x of your annual income is one thing.

        The government’s annual income is one thing. The GDP is another. So, the government far exceeds its annual income by matching its debt the the GDP.

      4. That’s 2.5x your annual income for you entire debt load.

        Throw in deferred entitlement obligations, and you’re getting into NINJA territory.

      5. I dont think the US government has enough collateral.

      6. GDP is not the government’s income. This is more like you affording a mortgage equal to the combined annual income of you, your brothers and sisters, and a handful of cousins.

    3. The new borrowing took total public debt to $14.58 trillion, over end-2010 GDP of $14.53 trillion, and putting it in a league with highly indebted countries like Italy and Belgium.

      Well, Italian stocks are down more than 2.5% today, so a bad portent.

      1. It’s time for the European Union to face reality: it’s all over for their little utopian dream.

      2. Who would invest in Italian stocks?

    4. Happy Birthday, Mr. President!

  11. Was it really necessary for reason to wish Obama a happy birthday, really?

    At least Fox News reported on the lavish extravaganza/fundraiser Obama did on his birthday, Reason in the other hand is kissing ass.

    1. They’re hoping that a pile of Soros money will look nice next to their pile of Koch money.

      1. Say it: FUNGIBLE.

    2. Where did Reason wish Obama a happy birthday, Geogoooooo?

      All any of the rest of us saw was a snarky comment noting it by KMW.

      Are you reading skills really this retarded or do you just not bother to read stuff at all before you post your drivel.

    3. If it is his birthday.

  12. Rep. David Wu (D-Ore.) is officially out.

    I’ve been outed! And I wasn’t even in!!

  13. Insider sounds like inside her when you say it aloud. Go ahead, try it.

    1. Good eye, might.

  14. The researchers looked at the medical records of children aged 7?19 with brain tumors, identified through population registries. Researchers did face-to-face interviews with them regarding their mobile phone usage.

    What, are there a lot of 7, 8, 9 year olds using cell phones or something?

    Don’t look at the number of brain tumor patients who used cell phones; look at the number of cell phone users who get brain tumors (and compare that to the number in non-cell phone users, if you can find any). Oh yeah, and get back to us when the cell phone users are 50 years old.

    Cell phones are going to be the cigarettes of the 21st Century – “Gee, Doc, we just didn’t know that they were dangerous back then.”

    1. What, are there a lot of 7, 8, 9 year olds using cell phones or something?

      I have a pamphlet you should be reading.

      1. Do you also publish a newsletter? Perhaps a ‘zine?

      2. No shit, they are? Well, my severe allergy to children does admittedly disqualify me as a knowledgable observer. OK, on the pretty good evidence that cancer takes at very least a couple years to develop, I re-phrase my question: What, are there a lot of 5,6,7…?

        1. A cursory Amazon search.

          The useful ones limit the phone to calling/receiving calls from maybe three numbers. They’re more for emergencies than chatting with one’s kindergarten bros.

      3. They use Blackbarnies.

    2. My 21 month old has a smartphone.

      Ok, so it doesn’t actually have a battery, and it’s just one of my old phones that she likes to play pretend with. But still.

  15. I’m sure Tim is wondering:

    Have we won in Libya yet?

    1. the forgotten war…

    2. Let us remember our brave droids fighting over Libya.

      1. Many Bothans died to win the war in Libya.

        1. A glorious hero on the Malabar Front.
          http://cache.gawkerassets.com/…..q-9pic.jpg

          In other news, Quadaffffie has made peace with the rebels.

          1. I hope they have one nick-named “Scar.”

            1. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude

    1. someone likes blondes

      1. I feel like this should be brought back to Smurfette somehow.
        For closure.

        1. Sexual Predator Smurf

          “This girl you were texting is only three apples high. You know this is illegal, right?”

          1. give a whole new meaning to the phrase “so how do you like them apples?”

          2. I read that has three nipples high

            Something about the new Total Recall movie

    2. Married NBC anchor Chris Hansen allegedly had an affair with Vegas stripper and aspiring country singer Kathleen Collins

      Stripper and aspiring country singer? Wow.

      I bet they never had sex at all, they were too busy in deep conversation about the implications of attempting to rectify ordinary language philosophy with the observable effects of quantum indeterminism.

      1. rectify

        Ooooo, she’s into that? Well done, Hanson.

        1. New meaning to “have a seat”?

    3. Why do men who want to fuck around get married? If you want to play that game, do what George Clooney does.

      1. Maybe the point is to cheat. It’s not the sex, it’s the infidelity.

      2. Many women find married men more attractive!

        1. I’ve never had that problem.

          1. Me neiter. I think its a myth.

        2. As long as “married men” does not include the one they are married to, I suspect you are right.

          Weirdly, I got more tail right after my divorce than at any other time in my life.

      3. I find that married men who cheat genuinely like, or used to like, their wives, and they married them because they’re expected to, or to be nice, or because they felt guilty that she had “invested so much time”, etc. In other words, they have a reason for marrying that makes them momentarily forget that they’d really prefer to be single and fucking around.

        They also just figure she’ll never know, so what’s the harm? Or they don’t like her any more, but won’t divorce because it’s too expensive, or because they worry about custody issues, etc.

      4. I figure Clooney will eventually pull a Michael Douglas and marry a hot young actress, 25 years his junior, just in time to have someone to chance his bedpans.

        1. Piss or poo, place your bets!

    4. FWIW, my endpoint protection doesn’t like that link.

      1. Probably because your prudish employer doesn’t like the fact that the dailymail sometimes posts pictures of boobies, like yesterday when they posted pictures of a topless Kate Moss jumping off a yacht.

        1. I’ll bring it up at the the next team meeting.

          1. Bring pictures of Kats Moss’ boobies while you’re at it.
            And a magnifying glass.

            1. tiny thangs – oh well, minimal sag.

      2. It wasn’t endpoint

        1. Oh, Honey, you’re *cute* when you’re angry!

    5. She is then alleged to have told her friend: ‘Chris cheated on me just like he cheated on his wife.’

      Oh, sweetie pie.

    1. We already got rickrolled with this.

      1. I thought it said “woman”.

        1. Rick Astley’s more feminine than The Wal*Beast.

    2. That was way worse than getting rick-rolled.

    3. If wal-mart gets a dress code, where will people go to buy Kenny Chesney cassettes, shotgun shells, and Bud Ice in one simple trip?

      1. Sounds like an opportunity for the vendor section at the tractor pull.

      2. There’s a tractor pull in there somewhere…

        1. Damn you, Mainer!

    1. We’ve been pre-approved!!!1111

    2. Even Jesus’s gotta get tired of that do-gooder shit after awhile.

    3. And he was all about the tax collectors!

      1. And people that tried to make interest off of our sense of right and wrong.

    4. What would Jesus do about people who ask, “What would Jesus do?”?

      1. “The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.’

        `But,’ says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED.’

        `Oh dear,’ says God, `I hadn’t thought of that,’ and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

        `Oh, that was easy,’ says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

        1. Look, if an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch, and a pair of rubber bands can create an immortal being, chance can create the Babel fish.

      2. I spend every day at work asking “What Would Wally Do?”.

        I have WWWD tatooed across my chest.

        1. That is positively eerie. Last night I was asking Mrs. Dean where I could get a WWWD t-shirt.

          1. Must be why I like you 😉

          2. I actually printed out a Dilbert strip and gave it to a VP several years ago. The strip had Wally saying that he waits 7 days before starting any assignment because circumstances always change and almost all projects become moot.

            I gave the printout to the VP when he came into my office to tell me I could stop on a project that he had assigned to me about 4 days earlier. I informed him that I hadn’t started on it yet 😉

            1. Never put off untill tomorrow what you can delegate today.

        2. I have Dr. McNinja’s WW(Batmanlogo)D shirt.

    5. I notice Shreik didn’t get upset about the christfags that got arrested in the Capitol Rotunda while they were praying for God to strike down the evil Republicans for trying to cut govenment spending.

  16. “As usual, President Obama blames “politics,” in which he apparently does not engage.”

    This can’t be said enough.

  17. http://www.eacourier.com/artic…..978321.txt

    Federal government provides guns for Mexico

    “Looks like Arizona isn’t the only state from which the ATF is smuggling guns into Mexico.”

    “While the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is scrambling to find excuses for the illegal conduct of its agency in selling firearms to Mexican drug cartels and the Department of Justice appears equally culpable in ‘Operation Fast and Furious’ there now comes another report that the Tampa, Fla., ATF office was also running guns into Mexico via Honduras by applying similar techniques and tactics that were used in Arizona.” …

  18. http://blog.syracuse.com/opini…..embly.html

    NY: Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb says microstamping expensive, unproven

    “State Sen. Jose Peralta and Syracuse Mayor Stephanie Miner recently co-authored a commentary titled ‘Microstamping will solve crimes.’ Their piece made numerous claims, many of them unfounded, regarding an unproven, costly technology. I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.” …

    “Microstamping will not keep New Yorkers safe from criminals. What it will do is waste more taxpayer dollars and pass considerable costs onto law-abiding gun owners. …” …

    Law-abiding gun owners don’t exist in the minds of these shitheads — you’re either a dependent, powerless serf, or you’re an enemy of the state.

    http://news.sky.com/home/uk-news/article/16042958

    OH: Cleveland Police Chief And Deputy Arrested

    “Two top police chiefs have been suspended by Cleveland Police following their earlier arrest on suspicion of misconduct, abuse of position and corrupt practice.”

    “Chief Constable Sean Price and Deputy Chief Constable Derek Bonnard were arrested early this morning.” …

    1. did anything else happen?

    2. What it will do is waste more taxpayer dollars and pass considerable costs onto law-abiding gun owners

      They see that as a feature, not a bug.

    1. Who believes the ex-wife “had no idea”?

      Yeah, OK.

      Somebody drown that bitch face-down in a toilet, please.

      1. But seriously, if you’re an average shlub in the middle of a divorce, and a smoking hot stripper-esque blond comes on to you, shouldn’t you be a little suspicious?

        1. I think it always pays to be a little suspicious of all women. They all have an agenda and motives that are incomprehensible to the average dude. Just sayin’.

          1. Wisdom is wisdom, even if it comes late.

    2. Woah, that is some genuine Hollywood script material.

    3. My cousins set up a part-time detective agency and nailing the ex with DUI is a part of the business. Typically, though, the ex is such a lush that inducement from strippers is not needed.

      1. Because nothing bumps up your support payments like saddling your ex with a felony. Genius!

        1. First off, these schemes are run by women. Not the most rational group of people on the planet.

          Second, it all depends on what the end goal is. More money could be one, but just making sure your new ex is cut off from the kids is a whole different beast. The soon-to-be ex getting a DUI just before the divorce could help with that second one.

          1. Some actually are concerend about their kids’ welfare, but in the divorce context, you can never exclude vindictiveness as a motivation.

            1. Oh, I think you can always assume vindictiveness as a motivation.

    4. They also argue that no one forced him to drink and drive.

      No one was forced to invest with Bernie Madoff.

    5. “It’s a stunning reversal of fortune for a 49-year-old man who, by his own admission, made a terrible decision to get behind the wheel that night in late 2008 after leaving the Old Spaghetti Factory in downtown Concord”

      I’d say the even more terrible decision was going to the Old Spaghetti Factory.

  19. Still no Federal Aviation Administration reauthorization as Congress bails out for their August vacay.

    Is this another way Obama is Reaganesque? Standing on the bodies of out of work air traffic controllers?

    1. The controllers are still on the job.

  20. http://readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=323770

    PA: West Reading police sergeant charged in stun-gun incidents

    “A West Reading police sergeant was charged Tuesday with using a stun gun on three people, including shooting his father with the nonlethal weapon and posting a video of the incident on YouTube.”

    “Sgt. Matthew R. Beighley, 32, of Wyomissing also is charged with stunning two fellow officers with a department-issued Taser he was given after qualifying as a Taser expert.” …

    1. did anything else happen?

  21. I want to be on record saying I don’t like these early Morning Links. I’m at the bottom of the thread like some late to the party a-hole like RC Dean or P Brooks or something. This will not stand.

    1. Hey, I arrived 8 minutes ago! You ain’t the only one!

    2. I bet your phone has an alarm clock.

      1. As I’ve stated before, my phone has a rotary dial and is avocado, the way God intended.

        1. Post your phone number. I’m sure one of us will give you a wake-up call.

            1. It’s just some woman screaming at me in Ukrainian.

              1. Ask her if her refrigerator is running!

              2. You should be used to that by now.

            2. Holy CRAP FoE! I mean really? How many whipper-snappers on here are going to get that reference…Plus, I now have a great Glen Miller song in my head.

              1. That reference is actually before my time, but I like to try keep things my grandmother might have used in the lexicon as long as possible.

                I always assumed the prefix KLondike 5 meant 555. It’s nice to know they were using fake phone numbers even way back then.

                1. In fact, Bandit, I now wonder just how old you are.

    3. That caught me off guard too. But I prefer 8AM to 10AM.

    4. [yawns, scratches self] So, what’s up, guys?

  22. http://www.gazette.net/article…..te=gazette

    MD: Judge warns of ‘system of subterfuge’ in police interrogations

    “A stern warning from a Montgomery County Circuit Court judge that county police officers are overly aggressive, to the point of breaking the law in their interrogations, is a worrisome sign.” …

    “‘A system of subterfuge has developed in the law enforcement community with respect to interrogation techniques,’ Johnson said in the story.” …

    A judge in Maryland did that? Holy shit, genuine surprise!

    http://chronicle.northcoastnow…..y-officer/

    OH: City’s insurance paying $50,000 for alleged punch by officer

    “The city’s insurance company has agreed to pay $50,000 to an Elyria man who was punched by an Elyria police officer while handcuffed to a hospital bed earlier this year.” …

    “[Officer] Loesch has pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge in connection with the alleged punch …” …

    “Smith has said the punch nearly knocked him unconscious, while Walker described it as a blow that wouldn’t have harmed his 10-year-old.” …

    1. Is this “and nothing else happened” or “New Professionalism”?

    2. Walker described it as a blow that wouldn’t have harmed his 10-year-old.

      Why do I get the feeling that he knows this by experience?

      1. It is creepily specific…

  23. Funny mug shots:

    http://www.wtsp.com/slideshows…..ot-Roundup

  24. OMG GUYS

    http://www.myfoxorlando.com/dp…..department

    FL: Oak Hill eliminates police department

    “In a surprise move Monday night the city of Oak Hill eliminated its entire police department.”

    “The police chief and a few officers were under scrutiny for alleged illegal and odd behavior. The city council was so fed up they simply wiped out the entire department.” …

    My new favorite members of government!

    1. We can’t rush to judgement until the process has run its course.

      1. Did someone say Rush???

        1. Dun dun du-du-du-du dun!
          Dun dun du-du-du-DA dun!

        2. What is up with the tumbling clothes in the dryers?

          Are they playing a gig at a laundromat?

          1. It’s a shtick that Geddy Lee adopted on that tour. The dryers had special edition tour shirts that the band tossed out to the crowd before the Encore. On the Snakes and Arrows tour he had chicken rotisseries behind him, and the band chef would baste the birds during the second set.

            1. That was the Feedback tour, right?

              1. I think so

    2. My new favorite members of government!

      Aha! So government does have its uses!

      1. I’m not an anarchist, pally, and anarchists are a minority here

    3. I meant to post something on this yesterday.

      Apparently the mayor and the police chief have been feuding for a long time.

      Things came to a head last week when the cops apparently tried a frame-up on the mayor by putting some pot plants in her yard and then filming them over the fence.

      Nothing else happened.

  25. New ObamaCare mandate: no co-pays on contraceptives

    They’ll do this, but they won’t hand out free cigarettes in schoolyards. If we really want to keep Social Security solvent, we need to think outside the box.

  26. have the wealthy [JOBZ] creators created [JOBZ] their tax cuts yet?

    1. have you stfu yet? No? Then stfu

      1. yea ur right, we wouldnt want to talk about the wealthy [JOBZ] creators creating NO [JOBZ] w their tax cuts

        1. Let me be clear: It’s the economy, stupid. And BOOOSH!

        2. Of course the wealthy [JOBZ] creators are creating NO [JOBZ]. No one knows what boneheaded policy our affirmative action POTUS is going to vomit up next.

          1. imagine how many more NO [JOBZ] the wealthy [JOBZ] creators wont create with even moar tax cutz!

            1. Troll-Free Thursday, gents. Spread the word.

              1. too late toad

    2. Have the regulators given them permission yet?

  27. I fully support government-subsidized contraception. I do, though, think it should be a sliding scale based on IQ.

    1. I seem to recall you came out for Malt Liquor subsidies too.

      1. No, you’re thinking of my support of the punitive mullet tax.

        1. Know who else is full of shit?

          “A manure truck, with apparently failed brakes and blaring horn, barreled downhill along Fairfield Street in downtown St. Albans Friday afternoon. Witnesses said the truck clipped a sign post in Taylor Park, roared across perhaps the busiest intersection in the city, zipped between two parked cars on South Main Street then drove almost through the vacant first floor of a two story building before stopping against the structure’s back wall.”

          http://www.burlingtonfreepress…..dyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

          1. Oh, come on, Tim. If we have to have taxes, what not make them based completely on voluntary behaviors? Want to protest the state? Get a decent haircut and starve the beast.

            1. Whao Dude, I never thought of it that way.

              http://www.discounttiredirect……s_kwcid=TC|5865|discount tire direct||S|p|7268957891

            2. The scary shit is that the hip hairstyle du jour is the faux-hawk-mullet. Yes, a hybrid of the two douchiest hair cuts you can go with.

            3. The main problem with tying taxes to voluntary behaviors is that it is typically used as a crude form of behavior control. I’d rather be taxed on my income.

              1. I shouldn’t have to pay the gov’t for my means of production. I’d rather be taxed on consumption…spread the misery to everyone.

                The alternative is a flat income tax for everyone, no automatic federal withholding (make everyone pay it out in lump sum on tax day), and move tax day to the day before November election day.

          2. I know this place well from the past. That is not a gentle slope that the truck ‘barreled’ down – apt description.

    2. Statist!

      1. I don’t deny that there is a collective good. Although I would be more comfortable with a sort of Big Brother/Big Sister program where private individuals adopted a stupid person to fund contraception for.

  28. I never even thought about it like that before. Makes sense.

    http://www.anon-web.us.tc

  29. Can we all try hard to not feed the trolls today? I need a break.

    1. Troll-Free Thursdays. It’s going to be a thing, you watch.

      1. If only…

        1. All it takes is will and properly directed community shaming. Talking to a troll should be consider a social faux pas on par with dropping trou in a friend’s dinner party, farting wetly on your plate of food and then sitting down to eat it… You are welcome to do it, just don’t wonder why they don’t invite you back.

          1. Do you have a newsletter?

          2. You are on fire this morning, SF.

            1. Lack of sleep is my muse.

              1. Your muse is one freaky bitch.

    2. I’m not convinced it should be plural.

      1. Troll is One and Another Isolated Incident is His prophet.

    3. We are on track for a 6% troll reduction* over the next 10 years.

      *compared to previously expected levels of troll increases

    4. No.

  30. Today is my birthday too! What a bummer.

    1. If I knew you were comin’ I’d’ve baked a cake.

  31. Ray LaHood was just on Bloomberg News. He is pissed (PIIIIIIISSSSSSED!) that Congress didn’t rubber stamp his FAA appropriation before they scurried out of town.

  32. a sort of Big Brother/Big Sister program where private individuals adopted a stupid person to fund contraception for.

    STERILIIIIIIIZE!!!

    ERADICATE BIOLOGICAL INFESTATION.

    1. Jackson Roykirk was the Margaret Sanger of his time.

      1. One of the worst episodes to be wearing a red shirt, as I recall.

    1. The ignorance paradox: The people who understand the middle panel are not the ones we need to convince. The people we need to convince will never understand the middle panel.

      1. The data speaks for itself!

  33. I knew I should have bought FAZ when it was trading at ~$40. But noooo…. now it’s at 54.03

    On an unrelated note:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9U3XHaSw-Y

    1. I should explain my comment – FAZ is a good way to make money when the markets tank.

  34. Gold at $1684.-

    res ipsa loquitur, lol

    1. Gold bugs are nuts. Do you realize how hard it would be to lose a $1 coin that weighed .0006 of an ounce?

      1. Like a $1 coin would buy you anything in a few years.

      2. It’s why they wrap them around a sturdy chocolate core.

        1. Monetarilicious!

      3. Yeah, we’ll just lop of a couple of zeroes first. It’s been done before.

        1. Moscow; mid-90s; they lopped 3 zeros off the paper currency — without taking the old currency out of circulation. I remember walking around with bills that were identical to each other except one as one ruble the other was 1000 rubles. They didn’t bother reprinting the currency less than 1000 rubles. So an old 10 ruble note was worth about a US penny. Fortunately, the Russians (like pretty much every nation in the world) prints paper currency in different sizes and colors — so it was easy to distinguish between a penny bill (old 10 ruble note) and a dollar bill (new 1 ruble note).

    2. What price was it when you bought it, if you don’t mind my asking?

    3. What’s latinum trading at?

  35. Hold Everything: Good Will Hunting reaches deep into his mathematical skillz, and what Chuckie told him on the set about economics and imparts more wisdom via video:

    http://nickballasy.com/?p=396

    Sorry it’s not linked, but worth a watch. “Fucking intrinsically paternalistic Tea Party terrorists!”

  36. Hold Everything: Good Will Hunting reaches deep into his mathematical skillz, and what Chuckie told him on the set about economics and imparts more wisdom via video:

    http://nickballasy.com/?p=396

    Sorry it’s not linked, but worth a watch. “Fucking intrinsically paternalistic Tea Party terrorists!”

  37. We are on track for a 6% troll reduction* over the next 10 years.

    Peak Troll is a myth!

    1. Commentator on anarchist blog laments trolls, wishes everybody would ignore them, does not know what irony means.

      Other commentators agree, wish they could stop feeding the trolls, know that they cannot and will not.

      Nothing else happens.

      https://reason.com/blog/2011/08…..nt_2436474

      1. Give that man a pulitzer.

        1. Fuck, I just fed one, didn’t I?

  38. Man, the U.S. markets haven’t even been open an hour yet and it’s looking like another bloodbath: already down 1.5%.

    Where are you Shrieking idiot; I thought the markets loved this administration. I know you’re out there reading this thread.

    1. Troll-Free Thursdays.
      All aboard!

  39. Random thought:
    Right now the wretched Reason intern is sifting through a pile of shitty Friday Funnies trying to find the least unfunny run to post tomorrow…

    1. Suggestion for the wretch:

      Run the one where Obama can’t start his car and it’s really a metaphor for the economy!

    2. It’s like a single pebble of unfunny tossed into a placid pond… the ripples of unhilarity reach into today and well as echo into tomorrow.

      1. Haven’t you figured it out yet?

        The cartoon is like a sand grain in the oyster of amusement. Its the accretion of comments around the sand grain that create the pearl of funny.

        The Friday Funny is the commenters.

        1. I knew Friday Funnies were irritating for a reason.

        2. Oh, I get it. Still doesn’t make the sand in our shell initially pleasant.

        3. So the magic was inside of us this whole time?

        4. So it’s high concept performance art but without the pee.

          1. I wouldn’t want to guarantee that all of the commentariat are urine-free.

    3. Should just rerun the picture of Biden looking out the window. Maybe a new caption if they can think of a good one.

      1. Birdy!

        1. No, I think they should go with a masturbation reference this time.

      2. “Yeah — Biden got his tongue caught in the casement again.”

  40. (Heh, I said insert.)

    Katherine, you little minx.

  41. Happy 57th Birthday, President Obama!!!!!!!!!

    1. I see what you did there…

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