Because It Only Gets Funnier When They Don't Get the Joke

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Friday fun link: "Literally Unbelievable," in which Facebook users react to stories from The Onion.

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  1. Martians have landed in New Jersey. Their cylinders were found stripped of useful parts and the tentacled monsters were left beaten senseless in a ditch.

    1. I’ll wait for the Alan Moore re-imagining thank you.

      1. Or the Michael Moore re-imagining, where the alien carnage is still being blamed on Bush a decade later.

  2. To be fair, the world in the last decade or so is approaching a point where it becomes different to tell what is parody and what is reality.

    I mean, Joe Biden is Vice President.

    1. I still think that’s a practical joke gone horrible awry.

      1. I have the same eerie feeling about the Black Eyed Peas being popular.

  3. It would be a far better world if all those clueless comments were actually sarcastic clown jobs.

    1. The problem is without knowing the people there isn’t enough information to know if they are being sarcastic or clueless.

      1. Experience unfortunately indicates that sarcastic is extremely rare. I wish it were otherwise; I really do.

  4. Sadly, I bet those people vote.

    1. My initial thoughts as well.

    2. I bet they say that they vote, but when the time comes they can’t be bothered to actually make it to the poll.

      1. I think recent election results contradict that hopeful view.

    3. And breed.

  5. “That can’t be right!”

    has gone the way of

    “It’s a free country”

  6. Two co-workers of mine fell for Onion stuff:

    *A salesguy who axed me if I would help him find the editors’ address so he could fire off a letter complaining about an anti-semitic rant by one of the “columnists”.

    *A fellow artist who thought (and probably still has suspicions) that their right-wing editorial cartoonist Kelly was real.

    1. I see what you did there.

      1. Stop scratching your axe hole and get up.

  7. Thank you, Jesse. This made my day.

  8. So the abotionplex isn’t real?

    Sadface 🙁

    1. When I read that I emailed my girlfriend and said “Guess where our next vacation is!!!!”

  9. A reaction to the abortionplex article:

    Without conscious they Destroy what YHWH has fashioned with His hands. Yah have mercy in your judgement.

    Yah. Because they’re close like that.

  10. Satan hates truth.

    1. No it’s not news. It’s not even interesting. Why do I give a crap if some Professor is diddling his adult daughter. Why do you? It shouldn’t even be a crime.

      1. Oh, Warren, Warren. Don’t you get it? If the incestuous couple produces a fucked up kid, the kid won’t produce the optimal amount of taxes for The One True State. This must be prevented.

        1. Haha, by the logic usually applied (incest causes genetic disorders),n as abortion becomes socially acceptable, theoretically so could incest.

    2. That’s nothing….I’m not sure I want to live in a world where the rodeo queens ride stick horses (good porno theme though I guess)!

      http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=15716018

  11. Their story today about awarding the NASCAR driver $50,000 was awesome.
    I love the onion… the finest news source i’ve ever read.

  12. There is no greater damning argument against democracy than the fact these people all get to vote and all get to determine how others must live their lives.

    1. Technically, if we had a court system that actually interpreted the Constitution and Bill of Rights as written, they would not be able to dictate how we live our lives for the most part.

      Sadly, I would not be surprised to see a significant portion of the federal judiciary responding to these Onion articles the same way as those unfortunate voters.

        1. When life copies the Onion, we are all doomed. DOOMED I say!

  13. Hah! Dumbasses.

  14. Not content to anonymously concern troll the comments sections of your favorite news sites? Facebook makes it fun and easy to concern troll your friends, family, and random people you went to highschool with! You have strong feelings about abortion, and facts be damned, you’re gonna share those thoughts in ALL CAPS.

    I hate people.

    1. I hate people.

      Ahhh! My first LOL all day. Thanks, DT!

      Hope all is well @ SFU!

  15. The only unfunny part is when the story turns out to be true: http://lawblog.legalmatch.com/…..-searches/

  16. This Onion headline from yesterday seems apropos:
    Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds

    1. See, this is where the art/reality becomes extremely difficult to separate…

    2. Comedy gold, especially the bit about Iraq:

      Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds

      May 27, 2011 | ISSUE 47?21
      Article Tools

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      CHAPEL HILL, NC?A study published Thursday by psychologists at the University of North Carolina concluded that all American problems?from stuck jacket zippers to the national debt?could be solved if citizens just stopped, took a deep breath, and thought for two seconds before they acted. “We found that in 93 percent of cases, a positive outcome could have been achieved if Americans simply splashed a little water on their faces prior to dealing with an unfair boss, being out of clean spoons, signing on to direct a second Wall Street film, or answering a call from a parent,” Janet Mallory, the study’s lead author, told reporters. “Our data indicate that when U.S. citizens don’t take a second to compose themselves, they typically charge in like maniacs and hurt either themselves or several million Iraqi civilians.” Mallory said a good rule of thumb for Americans is to think of a plan, stop, and then do the complete opposite.

      1. hurt either themselves or several million Iraqi civilians

        It’s true because it’s funny!

    3. I liked the recent story they had about the world being down to its last hundred adults.

  17. In a reaction to the abortionplex story, one facebooker wrote, “Ppl just litarally kill me!”

    Really? People kill you? Literally?

    1. LITARALLY! IT’S PEEEEEEEEOPLE!! LITARALLY KILLLLLLLING ME TO DEATH!!!!! ZOMG!!!!11!

    2. No Dick…..litarally! I’m just sorry they spelled it without the “d”….litardally.

  18. So these are the kinds of people on facebook, huh?

    1. Yes, if your friends are morons.

      1. Here’s the thing about Facebook: Sooner or later, all of your friends will reveal their inner retard for you.

        I’m finding as I get older, I like to know less and less about people. The more I know, the more I loathe and I just don’t have the energy.

        1. ^^This^^

        2. “I’m finding as I get older, I like less and less about people.”

          There, fixed.

  19. One Facebook commenter correctly uses the word “lose” (instead of “loose”). That makes up for a lot.

  20. The author of the *Onion* article on Planned Parenthood obviously thought (s)he was making a devastating rebuttal to Planned Parenthood’s critics – PP (allegedly) only spends 3% of its resources on abortion, so what’s all the fuss about? Do you think they’re going to build huge abortion complexes, ha ha? Do you think they *enjoy* performing abortions? Do you think their clients don’t *know* about alternatives to abortion? How silly!

    Going through these arguments point by point, and in *Onion* style:

    (the first story is based on a real Indiana law that was recently passed)

    PLANNED PARENTHOOD GIVES UP STATE FUNDING IN ORDER TO KEEP MINOR PROCEDURE IT DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT

    After the State of Indiana passed a law prohibiting state funds or contracts from going to any organization which provides abortions, Planned Parenthood in Indiana gave up all state subsidies and contracts.

    “Of course,” said the director of Indiana Planned Parenthood, “only 3% of our resources are spent on abortion – it’s a really minor part of our work and the remaining 97% goes to family planning and free puppies for poor mothers. The 3% that goes for abortion is really a minor thing, and we know we could keep all our state aid simply by dropping that irrelevant 3%, but the paperwork for dropping that 3% is just too much of a hassle, so it’s easier just to give up all access to state funds. The women who rely on us for the family planning and free puppies can just pound sand.”

  21. PLANNED PARENTHOOD BLASE ABOUT ABORTIONS

    Cecile Richards, head of Planned Parenthood, said her organization doesn’t really care about the fact that it performs abortions.

    “It’s not a subject we think about a lot, honestly,” said Richards. It’s just something we do as a sideline. We don’t enjoy it – we kind of just drifted into it. I don’t even know if we get paid for it, although our finance people tell me that we do. But it’s not really a big deal for us; we can take it or leave it.”

  22. ABORTION-RIGHTS SUPPORTERS HARASS PROLIFE CLINICS BECAUSE “WOMEN ALREADY KNOW ALL THAT STUFF.”

    Abortion-rights supporters who are trying to harass or close down pro-life pregnancy centers say that these centers are unnecessary because “women are already fully aware of alternatives to abortion, so the advice these centers are giving is a waste of time.”

    “I mean,” said Cecile Richards, “all women already know about adoption alternatives, support for pregnant women, collecting child-support, and all of that stuff. They have this knowledge instinctively. Why should these prolife centers waste women’s time telling them what they already know?”

    1. You ARE the guy this was written for. Congratulations.

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