Weekend Rapture Thread


I doubt that anyone other than the War Powers Act will be raptured this weekend, but that's no reason not to go to the park, grill some burgers, and wait for the End of the World and/or another Great Disappointment to unfold. If people start ascending after all, you can crank this up:

And after it sinks in that they're gone, you might want to play this:

I'll be back here Monday either way.

NEXT: Alan Bock, rest in peace

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  1. One more:

    <iframe width=”640″ height=”390″ src=”” allowfullscreen></iframe>

  2. Well, of course embedding wouldn’t work here, would it. Here’s the link instead:

    1. It’s one of my favorite movies, and boy does it feel weird to realize it’s 20 years old.

      1. Strangely the first 3/4th of the movie works as a prequel to the Californication series.

        1. Also, I’ve wondered if this is why Mimi Rogers was cast as Agent Mulder’s ex-partner/lover in The X-Files.

          1. I’ve always assumed so.

    2. Love The Rapture. It took all I had not to link every clip I could find to my FB page. Don’t want to spoil it – I want people to see it!


  4. Holy Sheep Shit! That one video’s been raptured already!

  5. I just know that the Republicans are going to politicize this issue this campaign season.

  6. Please leave your doors unlocked when you leave!

    1. I call dibs on the Vatican.

      1. You really think the vatican won’t be fully staffed after the rapture?

        1. Just thinking… does anyone want to bet on whether the Pope sticks around?

          1. Dibs on the UFO they keep in the Vatican basement.

  7. I was reading the WSJ a week ago or so and ran into this story. I was appalled then and I’m appalled now. How the fuck did this shit get printed in the WSJ? Why is everyone even giving a shit? I’m only 26 dammit but I feel like shaking a cane and telling the entire world to get off my lawn.

    1. It’s true because it’s funny.

  8. The fun starts in 5 hours when Fiji starts getting earthquakes.

    1. No, it’s supposed to happen at 1800 locally wherever you are. So the first reports should come in at 1800Z (1300 EDT)

      1. It’s already 1500 in Kiribati, the first time zone.
        so, 3 hours

        1. Derp. You’re right, I’m half right. MY internet connection (3G) is completely fucked right now–could that be the FIRST SEAL?

          1. I’m holding out for the Sixth Seal Team. On Ice.

      2. 1800 UTC is 1400 EDT; with the change to Daylight Savings time the US moves to UTC-4. However, the first 1800 local time should have been 0500 UTC (Tonga and a few other places are in UTC+13).

  9. If they all really did vanish at 6PM (Time zone wasn’t specified by the church), I’d promptly crap my drawers.

    I’d then proceed to crap every other single pair of drawers I have in my closet.

    My washing machine is dancing little jigs of joy that these people are bat shit crazy and nothing is going to happen.

    1. 6pm for each time zone

    2. Just repent your evil ways before it hits your time zone – five seconds max buys you into Protestant heaven.

      That Doors/Blondie vid is the best mash-up I have ever heard but there is a 7-minute extended version that I cannot find now that gets much more intense.

      1. What do you need to do to get into Valhalla?

        1. You have to die heroically in battle.

          1. So the Muslims get black eyed virgins and Vikings get hot blond chicks with pig tails and skimpy fuck-me-armor….

      2. Fuck off, Antichristfag.

  10. I’m going, I’m going where the water tastes like wine.

  11. NO, it’s Born-Again Barack rising up in the rapture! See Nancy Pelosi with an awe-struck gaze!

    1. Look, it’s a bird, a plane|5.20.11 @ 11:11PM|#
      …”See Nancy Pelosi with an awe-struck gaze!”

      I was pretty sure you could smell her when she was in town at the ball park, but then I was told it was the sewage-treatment plant.

  12. what does one wear to a rapture anyway? is it black tie, semi-formal, casual?

    1. If you are a hot blond archieesgue cartoon chick you wear a jeans skirt, green sweater and comfortable footwear.…..ture_1.jpg

      1. And then you look up her skirt, because, dammit, you’re going to hell anyway, so what are they gonna do about you catching some quim?

    2. wear a day coat
      pants with stripes
      and cutaway coat
      perfect fits

  13. By the way i am a little confused as to why everyone thinks the rapture is coming this weekend…

    Last I check the bible really does not give a date.

    1. It come at any time.The next second, the next week,or not for 10000 years. All time horizons qualify as SOON, so get right with Jesus brother!

      1. No i seriously did not know.

        NPR was talking about it on the ride home today and plus the stuff at reason.

        I have since Googled it.

        From the sound of it I am happy that somehow I avoided knowing about it this past week.

    2. Part of the difficlty in determining the exact date of the rapture according to the Bible is that the rapture is a completely unbiblical oncept that no one had ever considered until the Seventh Day Adentists dreamed it up in the 1880’s. Given those obstacles, the fact that Harold Camping has the date dialed down to the hour is all the more impressive. Who knows what amazing Biblical discoveries he may have made, had the universe continued to exist? If he could find the date of the rapture in there, why, he ould find ANYTHING.

      1. Reminds me of the stupid “Bible Code” stuff on TV. Scripture is given to us as a guide to salvation, not a word puzzle for predicting the future.

        My heart breaks for my brothers who are putting so much faith in May 21st.

    3. Jesus himself said that NO ONE can possibly know the date of his return and that it will come as a complete surprise. It’s almost as if he didn’t want people to quit their jobs and just sit there waiting for him, very pragmatic he was. Paul said as much in his Second Epistle to the Thessalonians.

      1. I said no such thing. It must have been a spoof.

  14. these Rapture jokes were amusing Monday. After a week of this shit everywhere, it has ceased being amusing. I hope that a huge fucking space rock hits us instead.

  15. Who out there is having unprotected anal sex right now?

    1. I just took a shit..

      Does that count?

    2. other than your Mom?

    3. I’m guessing the people having unprotected anal sex are a little too busy to come to the computer right now.

  16. db|5.20.11 @ 11:06PM|#
    “No, it’s supposed to happen at 1800 locally wherever you are. So the first reports should come in at 1800Z (1300 EDT)”

    So, since China has only one time zone, does Bengladesh (due south of some of China) suffer damage before western China?
    Or is pedantry irrelevant as opposed to the power of the sky daddy?
    No, I’m not going to waste time at the Atheist’s party in Oakland; mocking bleevers isn’t worth it.

    1. <CARLIN>It’s a Mystery!”</CARLIN>

    2. I agree that mocking the believers is distasteful…I’ve had my fill of devout atheists and devout religionists. But I think the Rapture is funny anyway.

      1. db|5.20.11 @ 11:41PM|#
        …”I’ve had my fill of devout atheists”

        What is a “devout atheist”? Are they similar to “devout non-believers in Santa Claus”?

        1. it’s like a passionate non-stamp collector. those people won’t even mail letters.

        2. I’ve run into a few. As a (pretty much) atheist myself, I find them distasteful. The tend to spend a lot of time yelling about how stupid religionists are. Most of the time they can be found behaving as if nonbelief is a religion itself. Usually the condition cures itself right after graduation from a B.S. or B.A. program and the poor sap has to start interacting with people in the real world.

          1. I am an atheist. When it comes down to it, I just don’t care. If God and religion is what it takes to keep individuals from harming my family, property, and self, fine. I have no desire to debate the topic since I will either be dead in the ground or burning in hell when it comes time to find out who was right.

            1. No room for any of the multitudes of other religions? You’re either worm food or in a Christian hell?

          2. I’ve run into a few. As a (pretty much) atheist myself, I find them distasteful.

            Which is why I call myself an agnostic. If religion makes you happy, why should I care, so long as you aren’t down with the whole convert-or-die thingy.

            Way too many atheists have a pole up their ass, that they have to share with anyone that has a slightest whiff of faith on them.

          3. I wouldn’t have a problem with religion if it left me alone. But it doesn’t.

    3. I haven’t found much fun in making fun of this. Fucking fish in a barrel man.

      1. Ummm….

    4. China is UTC+8; Bangladesh is UTC+6.

  17. Too bad I’m not on a cruise ship with a hot Danish maid…MV Konge Knut, where are you?

    1. You would have had to be doing that several months ago. Now, you’re just going to have be a part of the bureaucracy of heaven.

      Thanks for the Heinlein reference.

  18. “And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters; And the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter.” (Revelation 8:10, 11 )

    Guess what the Ukrainian word for “Wormwood” is?

    1. “And behold!, in the hours preceding the great Rapture, straight men were having unprotected anal sex with strange partners, some of the same sex, and behold! much cum was spillith on the floor.”

      1. …and the santorum flowed as the Nile…

        1. I like my Santorum chilled.

          1. Your Mom likes it hot dripping from the pipe.

    2. Chernobyl?

      1. according to the internet, chernobyl actually means mugwort.

    3. I just watched that episode last week, Frank Black.

    4. Vurmvood?

  19. “The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide, LEONARD BERNSTEIN!”

    1. Oops,

      “…mountains sit in a line…”

  20. somehow I think this is bunk

    1. Sure, but it’s so fun!

  21. Oh shit Macho man Savage died in a car wreak.

    1. I KNOW! And no one told me till tonight when I was already drunk. So I had another shot for THE MACHO MAN!

      I am disappoint 🙁 Although I was a Bobo Brazil guy – MMRS was a little after I actually cared about “Big Time Wrestling” as it was called in my yute. But he was great – the glasses and the voice…

      Hope the early start on The Rapture? was worth it, Macho Man!

    1. Hurt – Rapture

  22. I am philosophically in favour of less government control in schools, but what about the practical consequences? One concern in particular: The public school system has, for many decades, been an excellent vehicle for integration. This is important because of the large number of immigrants that come here every year. If we are to set up a system in which each social group has its own school, might this not lead to a fragmentation of our social fabric?

    1. each social group has its own school

      The Detroit Public Schools have tried this – it was called “all our schools”. It appears to have been an abject failure.

    2. Markets do a better job of integration than public education. If you do what it takes to be successful, you will acquire the necessary skills to make yourself marketable which typically means speaking the language and presenting yourself in a fashion that customers would want to do business with.

      1. I’m not talking about English capabilities here. Nor business capabilities.

        1. Then it depends on what it is you really want, social engineering or education. Right now, schools attempt to provide much more than just education. Focusing upon educating children instead of promoting the latest social fad is one of the things that makes private schools better. Even though you favor all of the social engineering, surely you can see that teachers should be teachers and social workers should be killed social workers.

    3. The public school system has, for many decades, been an excellent vehicle for integration.

      I hope you are being sarcastic.

    4. If we are to set up a system in which each social group has its own school, might this not lead to a fragmentation of our social fabric?

      No, that’s what internet chat rooms are for.

    5. Yeah. Compelled schooling with no choice where one can go to school is great for integration. Think of all of those poor inner city kids co-mingling with rich suburban kids right now.

      Oh wait. They don’t do that, do they?

    6. Um… I think you’re on the wrong thread.

  23. I thought I felt The Rapture, but that was just our new little dog running under my chair.

    *aaaaaaaand another shot*

  24. Also, I think this is the less-than-obvious-but-better Theme Song.

    How do I get to The Rapture? “You gotta take the elevator to the mezzanine”

  25. In case that link went awry:

    The New York Police Department (NYPD) stated: “We don’t plan any additional coverage for the end of the world. Indeed, if it happens, fewer officers will be required for streets that presumably will be empty.”[45]

    1. It worked fine. Excellent reference 🙂

      1. Should I have another homebrew?

        1. Wups…just found a pile of clothes in the bathroom…shoes…jeans…panties…bra…shirt…

          I think my GF’s been raptured!

          1. In that case, you’d better DRINK

          2. Or she’s a jedi knight that’s mastered the dissolve into a blue ghost trick and just fought a sith lord.

  26. I can’t believe you Koch-cultists actually believe this rapture shit. It strikes me as a marketing ploy for the Ryan plan

    1. Max…tonight…you.

    2. Max, your mom wants you to take Ron Pual’s Koch out of your mouth and come up from the basement to help her tie up her Nikes and prepare her cot.

      I think she’s thinking “Hale Bopp Comet” as opposed to “Rapture”, but whatever – she’s your mom.

      And we’ll forgive her that if you’ll just put down Ron Pual’s Koch for a few minutes and help her as she’s asked.

      Good boy.

  27. holy crap. Solomon Islands just had a 4.8Mag quake.

    1. Could be the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man and/or the Cloverfield monster fighting Godzilla (the pacific area is his turf after all).


      Hundreds of quakes a week.

    3. It is the Rapture not the Apocalypse.

      The Apocalypse is not for at least another 1000 years after the rapture.

      1. Which is kind of stupid…

        i mean the rapture gets all the people who are “good” now and they did it on faith.

        But the rest of who have no faith will see all the people flying up into heaven and therefor will not need faith because we will know god is real so we will simply be good afterward, die and a thousand years later when Jesus will come and judge us good and we get in just like the rest did…..

        What the fuck was the point of having faith?

        1. It is an interesting literary question what would actually happen after the rapture. Sadly, since we don’t produce decent religious art anymore it is only been considered by the talentless hacks who wrote the “left behind” series or whatever it was.

          Certainly all hell would break lose. And yes a lot of people would want to believe. But believe in what? Which version of Christianity? And a lot of people wouldn’t believe even with that kind of evidence. Hell, 13 million people disappeared in the Holocaust and there are lots of people who deny that happened. And of course it would create tremendous opportunities for false prophets and the like. People would freak out and believe all sorts of things.

          Basically man would still be sinful, still be in his fallen state and still be screwed. The world wouldn’t get any better. It is however an interesting thought experiment.

          1. Hell, 13 million people disappeared in the Holocaust and there are lots of people who deny that happened.

            [citation needed]

      2. Accordin to these folks the time flow is different/number are symbolic so Rapture happes today and everything else is fast until the final endgame in October.

        1. Sooooo….the Tigers DO have a chance to make the Series even though they’re at .500 now? Cool!

  28. As a Christian I do find this kind of embarassing. I mean yesterday I found a card on my windshield from one of the rapture groups saying that “Bible Gurantees it”. And then of course my mind immeidately went to Matthew 24:36: “But of that day and of that hour no one knowth, no not one man, nor the angels, but only my Father in heaven.”

    1. What denomination are you a member of?

      1. Non-denominational. The church I attend is affiliated with Pastor Chuck Smith’s Calvary Chapel of Costa Mesa, CA. There is very little hiearchal structure among the church group, so it’s more or less a voluntary association of Christians with similar biblical beliefs.

    2. “In the same way, when you see all these things, you can know his return is very near, right at the door. I tell you the truth, this generation will not pass from the scene until all these things take place.” – Matt 24:33-34

      1. He was talking about the destruction of Israel, which did in fact happen in that generation. There is a whole political undertone to the New Testament that a lot of people miss. The radical Jews were preaching revolt against the Romans. Jesus told them that that was nuts and breaking their covenant with God “render unto Caesar” and all of that. When Christ talks about the end of the world he is speaking in the context of 1st Century Judaism which for them meant the end of the Jewish state and the destruction of the Temple. Basically Christ is telling the Jews to reform their ways or God is going to revoke the covenant with them and destroy Israel. Needless to say, that didn’t make him popular with the Jewish leadership.

        1. Morning, John!

      2. A man is walking one day when he is stopped by God who, in His booming voice, tells the man he may ask three questions of God.

        “Is it true that to you, a penny is like a million dollars to us?” the man asked.

        “Yes, that is so,” responded God.

        “And is it true that a second to you is like a million years to us?”

        “That, too, is also so.”

        “So may I have a penny?” the man asked.

        “In a second,” replied God.

    3. Bible verses are so much better if the person reciting them has a huge afro and yells “Caaaannn yooouuuu dig iiiiiitttt!” at the end.

      1. That only works if the guy reading the verse is a hippie dressed as a character out of Jesus Christ Superstar. In which case, yeah it is a lot better.

  29. The saddest part is that Kareem won’t get his fucking statue. At least now I understand the urgency.

  30. Go check out the Family Radio web site. They have an answer for each of these quibbles.

    1. Do they have suggestions for serving chilled Santorums at my Rapture party?

  31. The tide goes in – the tide goes out. You can’t explain that…

    1. Fucking magnets, how do they work?

  32. Watching the NASCAR truck race replay. I gotta tell you – this has been the best racing in NASCAR since the series was created. Almost always close, some different tracks from the Winston Cup (yeah, I said it!).

    I still can’t fathom F1 drivers in the NASCAR. Montoya and now Kimi Raikkonen in a truck? Really? I still want to see Micheal Schumacher in a Cup car – I think he’d dice it up with those boys.

    Is there a MotoGP race this weekend? I gotta look at the schedule. This season kinda sucks so far, although Stoner’s been very impressive on the Honda. Ducatis are nowhere.

    *aaaaaand another shot*

    1. I don’t follow racing that closely. Could you explain to me the Raikkonen story? The guy is a world driving champion. F1 is the NBA of race driving. It is the most money, the most fame, and the best rides. Why would anyone still in their prime leave to go to NASCAR letalone the truck series? It would be like Derek Rose leaving the Bulls to play minor league basketball in Germany.

      1. Kimi went to rally car for a year or two. He can’t get a ride in F1 because there are only 3 teams capable of giving him another winning season, and they have good drivers already, and also he’s demanding too much money.

  33. If you had Randy Macho Man Savage in this year’s death pool, today is your lucky day. RIP…..-car-wreck

  34. So Jesse, you decided to put this little bit of a story together to safe face on the obit thread.

    Nothing says coward like a man who looks for an escape pod


    It is one thing to emasculate yourself. It is quite another to do it on the pages of a major newspaper.

    1. “The Moral Animal: Evolutionary Psychology And Everyday Life,” was so brilliant I literally read it aloud to my wife on an island vacation in 1996.

      That is the gheyest fucking thing ever put into words. If his wife has any self-respect, she was checking out the pool boy while her tool of a husband droned on with this ridiculous book on their fucking island vacation.

      “The problem with men,” Jody says, “is that too often it looks like once they are in a position to take advantage of women, whether it’s because they’re celebrities, they’re rich, or they’re powerful ? they do ? and they do it in the most disturbing ways. So you begin to ask yourself, are they really bad at the core?”

      Two things here. His wife is a complete sexist, so I at least have some grudging respect for her.

      Also, now I know why she married the author.

      1. The part about reading the book aloud is Liberace gay. You take your wife on an Island vacation and what do you do? Do you drink, have sex, sleep by the pool, each read your own throw away paperback as you sit in shaded chaz lounges by the pool sipping frozen rum drinks contemplating the sex you will have before you take your afternoon nap? No, you sit in the room and listen to this douche bag reads some idiotic pop psychology book aloud. I know that woman is probably a sexist, feminist shrew, but I am not sure any women deserves that.

        And to call it gay is actually not fair to gay people. I am sure any random lesbian or gay couple would find better things to do on an island vacation.

        1. That’s why I wrote “ghey”, to differentiate…

          1. It’s OK to say “Takei.”

    2. I know Jody’s not alone. Thirty years ago, while a student in London, I had a girlfriend who told me, after reading a novel (“The White Hotel” by D.M. Thomas) whose details about male behavior I’ve long forgotten, that she couldn’t be with me, or any man, again. Nothing personal, she said. It was something about men.

      I’m sensing a pattern in the author’s life.

      1. I’m guessing this guy’s got a 3 inch uncircumcised penis and smells of cheese.

  36. I think I just caught teh rapturez!11!!

  37. It is more than the alpha-male, some men fear women…..male-body/

  38. My mom likes her Santorum fucking served from a fucking snifter SIV!

    By the way, it’s not legally a Santorum unless it comes straight from Rick Santorum’s asshole.


    Unions to Democrats, help us or pray.

  40. I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to pick my own butt.

    1. You’re back!

  41. Yeah. Bin Ladin may have had a point.…..l?ITO=1490

    1. careful now.

      According to the NYT Muslims in Iraq are as every bit as tacky as we are.……html?_r=1

    2. Doesn’t it seem that vajazzling would make things incredibly uncomfortable?

    3. Some people either have too much money or too easy credit.

  42. Ok, I would have a rapture dinner party.

    1. Sally Hemings
    2. Margaret Rutherford actress
    3. Ardipithecus ramidus
    4. My Memere
    5. Henri Matisse
    6. Ibn Rushd
    7. William Makepeace Thackeray
    8. Galileo
    9. Robert Frost
    10. Nat King Cole
    11. jack the ripper
    12 me

    1. What a lame guest list. Sally Hemmings? Why? So you can find out that Jefferson’s deadbeat brother actually fathered her kids? Robert Frost would manage to make even eternal paradise seem boring. Jack the Ripper is a good choice but I doubt he makes the cut. Here are better but similiar choices

      Former slave – Frederick Douglas
      Actress – Garbo or Monroe
      Primate- Bigfoot (i.e Gigantopithecus)You wouldn’t invite Steve Smith if you were having a large primate?
      I will give you your mother.
      Artist – Matisse is as good as any
      Ibn Rushd – is an Saracen and thus burning hell.
      Satirical British author – I am going for Evelyn Waugh, although Thackary is not a bad choice.
      Famous Scientist – Richard Feynman
      Poet – Shelly, that guy knew how to party
      Pop singer, Louis Armstrong – he would bring some great after dinner weed
      Famous killer – Jack the Ripper or maybe Zodiac.

      1. I debated on Louis Armstrong. Memere is my grandmother, and Henri is her dinner companion. Jack the ripper would have the best table manners. Sally Hemming would keep getting up from the table to remove the dishes. Thackary, I adore. Robert Frost sits next to me, and whispers poetry in my ear. Margaret Rutherford could make any ‘early man’ behave. I’d like to listen to Ibn Rushd. Galileo, and I would walk after dinner, and discuss life, not science

          1. 1. St. Theresa of Avila
            2. Dostoyevsky
            3. Elinor of Aquitaine
            4. Tacitus (although he probably won’t be there being a Pagan)
            5. Catherine De Midici
            6. Frank Sinatra (who in the 20th Century did he not know?)
            7. Robert Graves
            8. Mozart (again someone who knew how to party)
            9. Lord Byron (much nicer guy than Shelly who was really a jackass)
            10. Joe DiMaggio
            11. Winston Churchill

            1. Catherine De Midici and Winston Churchill were both considered but young Winston only.

              Frank Sinatra once went into a sleazy bar with IIRC, a drunk Dean Martin. They started singing, and the waitress told them: you are no Frank Sinatra

              1. Frank Sinatra and Joe Dimaggio once got drunk together and went looking for Marlyn Monroe’s new boyfriend in L.A. They found a guy who knew were he lived. But the guy figured this would end badly so he took them to the wrong apartment. Frank and Joe busted down the door of the apartment of an elderly woman. Can you imagine sitting in your house in 1955 and having Frank Sinatra and Joe Dimaggio bust down your door?

                1. LOL.

                  I always felt sorry for Joe, she just wasn’t capable of loving a man. Marilyn insisted her housekeeper have a drink before working because she hated the memory of being forced to clean

                  1. They were a perfect match. Joe really couldn’t love anyone either. They were going to get back together before she died. They probably would have stayed together. They were both lost souls.

                    1. I hadn’t read that but I know he mourned her, and he wasn’t using her either but she also said she wanted children but had 17 abortions IIRC. She feared Norma Jean.

                    2. 17 abortions? That would make any woman go insane. It is a wonder she managed as well as she did. Speaking of children, I read somewhere about a woman who interviewed Doris Day back in the 1970s. She asked Day about being a trailblazer for women by having such a successful career and becoming of the biggest entertainers on the planet. Day got tears in her eyes and said to the interviewer, who was visibly pregnant, that she never wanted any of that. Day, who had been married four times and made terrible choices in men, said all she ever wanted was to get married and have a family.

                    3. I need to read her bio. In those days, abortions, plastic surgery, any private procedure was handled by the studios.

                      I wonder if records were ever kept?

        1. Armstrong was by every account just a wonderful man. Him and Willie Nelson are proof that maybe we would all do well to smoke a few joints ever day.

          Read Feynman’s autobiography some time. He knew a lot about life. I think Erasmus should make any list along with Goethe.

      2. You all fail because you lack John Bonham drummer for the super star rock band Led Zeppelin.

        1. LOL, your list then

        2. Bonham would be high on the list of dead rock stars. He was, until he got drunk, a very charming guy. A little less bizarre and down to earth than Moon.

          But I think I would like to meet Morrison or Lennon more than any of them if I were going for the dead 60s Rock god representative.

          1. The only reason I’d want to meet John Lennon is to strangle him.

            Every time I hear the lyrics to “Imagine”, I imagine Yoko Ono having none of the IP rights to Lennon’s works and living a hand-to-mouth existence as a result.

            1. I think there is a argument to be made the Lennon meant that song ironically. He was never friends with the hard left. They hated him for Revolution and the feeling was mutual.

          2. I thought Bonham was always drunk.

        3. Actually going through your lists my only response is WHAT THE FUCK!??!

          Helen of Troy
          Tokugawa Ieyasu
          Marco Polo
          John Bonham
          Kennewick man
          T E Lawrence
          Queen Elizabeth
          Filippo Brunelleschi
          James Watson

          And if you really needed a slave and a murderer then i suppose Spatulas and Gangis Khan…perhaps we would have them duel for entertainment.

          Also yeah the list is short on Women…but agricultural societies, childbirth, and HIS-STORY fucked the world over and black listed all the interesting ones from the books…not my fault.

          1. The current Queen Elizabeth?
            I thought of Marco Polo but then decided, I’d pick a Samuel de Champlain .
            Helen of Troy, a supermodel of her time and therefore likely like our time: dull.
            Any ancient man is cool.
            James Watson is a great choice too

            1. Helen of Troy, a supermodel of her time and therefore likely like our time: dull.

              Supermodels do not spite the King of Sparta and start a war between Greece and Persia.

              As I said “HIS-STORY fucked the world over and black listed all the interesting ones from the books…not my fault.” I have my doubts she was the passive character that Homer described her as.

              The current Queen Elizabeth?

              Of course not….I want the women who saw the end and contributed to the ending of a 1000 years of humankind’s worse darkness. Not some 20th century octogenarian.

              1. QE1 is overrated. How did she end man’s darkness? And further, the dark ages were not so dark. That is just a myth started afterwards to make modern people look good.

                1. That is just a myth started afterwards to make modern people look good.

                  China wrote books after Ghangis Kahn burned it to the ground.

                  I can think of European books written before 600AD and after 1400AD….not so much in the time in between.

                  If anything the dark ages are under exaggerated.

                  1. Great books written between 600 and 1400

                    The Suma Theologica
                    The Canterbury Tails (late 1300)
                    Dante’s Inferno
                    The Song of Roland
                    Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
                    St. Anselm’s Cur Deus Homo
                    Roger Bacon’s Opus Major which was comparable to later encyclopedias.

                    That is just off the top of my head. Joshua your post is just mind numbingly ignorant and wrong.

                    1. Cleaness, the Pearl, all of fucking Arthuriana…

                      This list can go on for pages.

                    2. That is just off the top of my head. Joshua your post is just mind numbingly ignorant and wrong.

                      John there was a time when Europe knew how to make Concrete.

                      Then they suddenly forgot how to make it.

                      Let me repeat that. Western civilization forgot how to make concrete.

                      also i probably should have dialed back my claim to 1000 rather then 1400.

                      lastly Dante’s Inferno was written after 1400 as was Sir Gawain and the green knight.

                  2. Josua,

                    Read Peter Brown’s The Rise of Western Christondom. It is a history of the dark ages in Western Europe. It takes into account the new archeological work that has been done in the last 20 years. The “Dark Ages” such as they were were more of a Carolingian slander on the Merovingian kings than anything else. They wanted people to believe there was no civilization between Rome and Charlemagne.

                    1. They wanted people to believe there was no civilization between Rome and Charlemagne.

                      I never made the claim there was no civilization. North Korea has a civilization….yet for all North Korea’s faults it has not forgot how to read.

                      also Charlemagne was Illiterate.

                2. Either way, the dark ages technically only cover about 400 years, and they ended at least 400 years before QE1. The “end” of Rome until the beginning of the high middle ages or thereabouts.

                  And John is actually right. There was nothing “dark” about those times at all.

              2. I thought maybe you were into GILF 😉

          2. actually I don’t need a slave and murderer. Diogenes and TE Lawrence got those covered.

            1. If I were going for ancient Greeks, Alcibiades is the best choice. Honestly the philosophers would be incredibly dull sand Socrates. But I am unconvinced that Socrates is not the Socrates of The Clouds rather than of the dialogs. Alcibiades knew them all and fought on both sides of the Peloponnese War. Now that is an interesting guy.

              And TE Lawrence, while a great man. Was pretty weird and neurotic in his private life. I don’t see how he makes the cut.

              1. Diogenes of Sinope was a controversial figure. After being exiled from his native city for defacing the currency

                I am a libertarian so I have to pick Diogenes….plus i want to see Helen’s face when he jerks off on the food.

                Alcibiades is someone you talk to for years….Diogenes breaks shit at parties.

            2. Jack the Ripper was a physician, and I find most of them psychotic. Would he act like anyone else at the table?

              Sally would have an outsider view of the time. I’d love to hear her observations; history without embarrassment

              1. The WPA did a whole series of interviews in 1930s with people who had actually been slaves. They make for fascinating reading.

              2. Jack the Ripper was a physician…

                Oh, bullshit.

                1. Why? That is one of the suspected theories, and it is a fact that his vivisections involved surgical skills.

          3. Loving that someone else would invite Tokugawa Ieyasu

      3. Former slave – Aesop (for the stories)
        Actress – Vivien Leigh (for the orgy)
        Primate – Patrick Ewing (in case someone brings a basketball)
        Relative – my mom (so she’ll understand why I’m nuts)
        Artist – Marc Chagall (just always liked the guy)
        Philosopher – Francis Bacon (so I can ask him about 14 y/o’s)
        Author – Flann O’Brien (for the whiskey-addled lunacy)
        Famous Scientist – Stephen Hawking (so I could fight him)
        Poet – Christopher Marlowe (to find out how Shakespeare stole all his shit)
        Pop Singer – Joe Strummer (reasons too numerous to count)
        Famous killer – Jeffery Dahmer (and he’s the only one allowed in the kitchen)

        1. Vivien Leigh was crazy-I can see why you picked her for sex

          Marc Chagall 🙂

  43. White House on War Powers Deadline: ‘Limited’ US Role in Libya Means No Need to Get Congressional Authorization

    To anyone/everyone out there who smugly voted for this shambling mound of excrement in ’08, after allowing themselves to be panicked by shrill, hysterical cries of “TEH PALIN! TEH PALIN!”: thanks, assholes.

    1. They had to vote for Obama. McCain was a war monger who was going to get us into another war.

  44. … not to mention bombing more hapless, innocent Middle Eastern brown peoples, as well. Don’t forget that part!

    1. Why don’t you just put it out of your mind for a couple of months and go on holiday. Like your congressman did.

      That’s the basis on which this intervention isn’t either authorized or defunded. That these weren’t important enough to warrant a bill being raised in the past 2 months.

  45. Reason why American newspapers are going broke but British papers are doing fine. In the Washington Post this morning you get some douche bag talking about how evil men are. IN the Daily Mail you get, Bar Refaeli. Oh my fucking God.…..ikini.html

    1. John, you do realize they hand out papers for free in cities? In London, twice a day

      1. Yes I do. I have been to London. And the papers are just much better there. The NYT and WAPO have no idea what bores they all are. Even the leftist papers in Britain are at least interesting.

        1. English papers have long history of story telling, theatre, and reading is food. We want info quick, fast, ergo the ‘soundbite’ phenomenon.

          1. I strongly suspect that the moribund American papers won’t die out, but will instead become a place to discuss, rather than read, the news. Long essays and interpretations, that sort of thing.

    2. I sure like this plan for saving American journalism over the government subsidy idea.

  46. There is nothing like an old fashioned online Rapture Party.

  47. your list? We need another woman’s view

    1. I suck at these things, do they have to be dead?

      1. No. Not even famous. I almost included a man who is a waiter; he beams everytime he sees me.

        1. I think my grandfather would be on the list, I always wanted to meet him. He died when my father was just a kid. He was a heavy drinking, heavy smoking, short tempered Italian man. My grandmother still speaks ill of him, but I think a large part of that is due to him leaving her alone with four boys to raise (the youngest being only a baby).

          1. It would be very interesting to meet your grand parents as they were when they were young.

            1. I once got my grandmother to tell me about some of her adventures when she was young…in 1935 she, her brother and a girlfriend of hers drove cross country (from PA) to California and back over a summer. Imagine doing that in 1935, with the contemporary reliability of cars and what the state of the roads must have been. She was a very interesting person…lived to 93, and was still driving her 70-year-old friends around when she was in her late 80s. Lost one lung to tuberculosis in the 1940s but kept on going with more energy than people 20 years her junior. Probably the most interesting person I will ever meet. I would have loved to have known her when she was young.

              1. A lot people I know have stories like that about their grand parents. They really don’t seem to make people like they used to.

                1. I don’t think its a problem of not making them like they used to, I like it’s a problem of not raising them like they used to.

                  1. They really don’t seem to make people like they used to or it’s a problem of not raising them like they used to.

                    I always thought it was because we were never tested. No real war here, no incredible poverty here, old people die in centers here
                    -we see nothing of life in this bubble

              2. When she drank beer, did she drink Dos Equis?

          2. Yes Banjo, most of us would want to know a grandparent. Kinda as a Back To The Future time travel; the way they were in their time

            I know my lineage up to the 1600’s. I would want to go back further than most


    This makes for a depressing read.

    1. Duh, personnel is only allowed to leak NSA material if it serves the interest of the NSA bureaucracy.


    (looks around nervously, starts getting scared)

  50. Hey, heaven has wireless. So long, suckers!

    1. Out of the blue and into the black and once you’re gone you can never come back

  51. I’m scared of heights. I’m staying here.

  52. We don’t really believe in this crap, you know. We do it for your entertainment. Have fun, now!

  53. Well good morning, fellow assholes. You all know why I call you assholes? It’s because today is the day of the Rapture when all the good, righteous, god-fearing folk will be taken up into heaven, and all the assholes will be left behind. I awoke at 6:00 AM this morning – didn’t notice anyone missing. 😉

  54. lol, I cant believe that people can really be brainwashed so so easily. Scary dude.

  55. No discernible activity from the Yellowstone Caldera, yet.

  56. (hungover): Wha, what’s going on?

    1. Absolutely………………
      Sunny and mild this morning.

      1. Thanks. Can I offer you a glass of Santorum? (sniff carton): WHOA! Sorry, it’s gone bad. But I can make another batch.

  57. Great Doors/Blondie video.

  58. Well gentlemen, I am soon going to be downgraded from ‘frequent’ to ‘occasional’ status* on the commenter hat-tip scale. It’s been a fun time, but we all have to polish our monocle sometime.

    *All statuses are assumed. Maybe I’d get ‘badass’, or more realistically ‘alt-text crazed’.

  59. understand that the SON does not know the exact date on which the following prophesy will occur?”only the FATHER”. so, anyone who claims to know the exact date has been misled.

    yes, HE will come to snatch up all who are “in CHRIST”, but first all who have passed away. “After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the LORD in the air. And so we will be with the LORD forever.”(1Th 4:16-17 NIV)

    so that you will not be misled today, study the Bible today.(Mat 24:36; Mar 13:32)

    1. You are only marginally more sane than Camping.

    2. “And so we will be with the LORD forever.”(1Th 4:16-17 NIV)”

      Tha…tha…tha…that’s all, folks! (Porky Pig)

  60. A neighbor of mine left a set of clothes and shoes out on the sidewalk this morning.

    I’m still laughing.

    1. Maybe she thinks Jesus’ will visit Terminator style, and will need a set of clothing.

      I ‘d prefer to see if he was circumcised, and end this idiotic debate. I wonder if he manscapes too?

      1. Since he would have been a Jew from birth, is there really that much debate about whether her would be circumcised?

      2. Did you seriously not get what the joke is?

        I’ll only give you a pass on this because you referenced Terminator.

  61. 6:00pm, right? it’s 4:00 here in the Eastern Standard Time Zone?…I better get in a nap before it comes!

  62. yes pre$$iou$
    (the week when the God’s people’s leftvoterwing were LEFT to the sharia going global fate…)
    sudden silence…
    what’s this neo(libtiCal)
    whitchcraft?… GWANDalf?
    (gettingcloser heavysteping$):
    bhork the balrakofmoregov:… (((((BLAWBLAWBLAW))))))…
    sWords are useless here, to the bridge!
    yoooooouuuu uuu shallNOTpa$$…
    as only an anti-American colonialism GENETIK$ “perfecTED”… they dare to stepforward… and as usual… falls on polls (record, “normal” “bailout$”)
    the govwip… and drags… cla$$ICK…
    TEA Wizard sees US (and the ally) with a love beyound memory and time…:
    ((((((((VOTE yOU FOOLS!!))))))))
    (REDo) (BAGgens, from TEA SHIRE, NOT sharia) screams: NAAAAAAAA…
    TEA Wizard GWANDalf dives for the kill… (REDo: GWANDaaaaaalf….)
    TAN TAN TAN TAN TAN … the old Mosses BUSH sWORD is back and sings as they aproach to the moregovfirebreathing balrak doing thesame nomatters whatgreat trillion “power$” (I’m calling THE REAL Acuaman)…
    TEA Wizard’s sWORD (NOT BAILEDOUT TRLLION$ POWER MAGNITUDE, in fact, 0 propagandamachines) IS HEARD DEEP ON TEA EARTH: (((((HUUAAAA!!!))))
    CLING!! CLANG!!… rythmic
    they as a metheor arrive to TEA SECRET W A T E R and F I R E OF TEA PLANET’S SOUL…
    comming up:
    TEAragon, having the peacefull sunset’s TEA… looks at the
    M O U N T S… a beacon ignites…
    As “a crazy nutjobrightwing” storms into TEAdern King’s of TEAdoras… ((((TEABEACON IS LIT))))
    finaly, giving his lasts breathings runs in screamming:
    (((((G O Pdor CALS FOR candidates))))))
    a paralizing silence domains…
    TEAdern King: and TEAohan will answer, MASTER TEA ROHIRIM… BELLS…

  63. (also, sorry, I have no time for checkspells)…VOTE yOU FOOLS, no!, wao!, capital y doesn’t work… wao, really)
    whatever, on gov of the ring$ lastweek:
    before the blackgate of the hill$ of MOUNTain of Fool$… a few tealeaves against more than ten thousand strong at li$t govorK$, an army brought for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men… they are here by NIGHTfall$…
    TEAragon: HOLD yOUR GROWND!!
    I can see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart away from me… (tealeaves smile and grab their sWORDS)… a gov of wolve$, when “we just forget all bounds of fellowship”…
    but it is NOT TEAs days!!!… TEAsdays We fight!! (tealeaves say HUA!) for all you hold dear in this world, I BEGG yOU STAND!! TEAS OF TEA WEST!! (and all the way to this side of TEA Milkyway)…
    comming up: battle star SARAH, this’s TEApollo, do you read?, Battle Star Bachman, TEApollo, do you read? GOPdor (of course TEAproval 1ST,
    0 riNOliphant$) candidates, are you readding this?, are you outhere?…
    all right, I’m pleassing TEA kids, ok, I’ll say “it”…: I’m sorry Kara…

  64. ok, my Radioprincess JoyceCal(my)flan wants me you say “it” again… what?, many ladies?, ahh!!??, want me to tell the hottest thing ever walked this Earth?, 2?… ok: 1st: RED RIDerhood
    walking by the “globalwarming snow”
    2nd: Starbuk waterboarding a gov$ylon… (wetlooking), (Starbuks too) (God talk…) (rights)…
    of course, JoyceCAL(my)flan interviewing US sailors “sounded” like the deepest thing ever touched my ears, I cried too Joyce, and I wasn’t borned here…

  65. I think Hercule Triathalon Savinien has experienced the rapture and now has an even more fragmented mind.

  66. Phew looks like i didnt happen!

  67. I thought we might see an increase in business!

  68. I was looking forward to a good rapture!

  69. It isn’t going to happen? Are you telling me I had sex with a stranger on a plane, and we aren’t going to die?

    Fuck! I knew I should have opted for the solo membership to the mile high club

  70. …they found an empty HartMarx suit, a power tie and a $1000 pair of shoes on the Oval Office floor…..and the rapture was canceled?

    1. That suit would be empty without regard to a “rapture”.

  71. where is TEAhorse and the rydder?…
    Merry, I’m hungry…

  72. I was hoping for a bling bling week but no way

  73. Rapture me indeed as the pope said to the badger

  74. Weekends and drama is not good, enjoy your life instead

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