Media

Charlie Sheen Unfair to Warlocks

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In describing himself as a "Vatican assassin warlock," Charlie Sheen has royally pissed off the nation's warlock minority, reports fair-and-balanced, Gog-and-Magog Fox News:

"If he made that comment against the Christians or Jewish people, there would be outrage," he told FoxNews.com. "But here we are, a legally-recognized religion and we get slammed by an obviously disturbed actor."

Most offensive of all, said Day, was Sheen's mischaracterization of warlocks. Day said Sheen set the impression that a warlock is some kind of raging, warlike individual "out for blood."

Luckily for Sheen, pissing off warlocks will lead to nothing other than noogies from the great beyond.

"Warlocks are peaceful and enlightened," he said. "They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness and anger."…

"We want Charlie Sheen to get better," he said. "But he shouldn't get a free pass to insult a religion he obviously knows nothing about."

More here.

We got your "E Pluribus Umbrage: The Long, Happy Life of America's Anti-Defamation Industry" right here.

As far as I'm concerned, it's Julian Sands what has everything to answer for when it comes the warlock hate that is about the land like a plague upon the oxen.

NEXT: Everything is Worse Than We Think...

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  1. They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it.

    Another crazy, made-up religion.

    1. Hey, let’s not make any snap judgments here. Let’s test them. If they’re real warlocks, everyone who comments here should receive winning lottery numbers in our respective states for the next available lottery.

      1. Why would the dead know winning lottery numbers? I say we ask them who really shot JFK.

        1. Warlocks have more powers than this joker suggests. If they’re real. If not, then it doesn’t matter.

          1. Warlocks hate it when you game the system.

    2. Isn’t that an oxymoron?

      1. Hey Raisinites, did you see Jimmy O’Keefe struck again? This is awesome and you guys are idiots for all your pouting about wanting to film cops, but when O’Keefe bangs on liberals using good old fashion journalism you criticize him. Writers like Balko want to protect stupid shit like NPR and PBS because they may be working there soon. They all ready have the voice for it. Super educated gentiles hate Israel because they are able to shape opinion (about Israel) that liberals dream about doing. So what was did the fake Muslim Brotherhood rep expect for his $5M donation? Cash and carry journalism similar to what you see here at Raisin.

        1. Please don’t try and understand the troll.

          1. I never can.

          2. Please don’t try and understand the troll.

            But that trick never works!

          3. I feel inferior I really don’t understand the troll.

        2. B- Not bad, nice work of the reply button to stay toward the top of an article which has nothing to do with what you’re trolling about or the comment you’re replying to. Next time don’t forget the abortion doctors.

          1. How about a little substance in your replies gents? This site churns out bull shit stories at a high rate, most nobody gives a crap about. Let’s have an argument about this O’Keefe deal, it’s at least interesting. Not long ago Balko did a story about how O’Keefe’s methods were unsound. It was almost word for word the same complaint that Andrew Sullivan wrote about on his site. Balko balls his eyes out about wanting to tape police, and I agree, but O’Keefe is doing the kind of journalism that cuts to the chase. Not wiener stuff like here at Raisin.

            1. Raisin? Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.

              1. Why not the French “Raison“? It sounds like raisin, but it means reason.

              2. Apparently Pat is really into middle school girls.

            2. Then go read something else that publishes what you want to read. Seems like a simple and obvious solution to your complaints.

            3. It’s Pat! Hiya Pat!

            4. I am the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth forever, for no raisin!

            5. Go to the post on O’keefe and troll there. At least be an on-topic-troll. Otherwise you’re just a human-O’keefe-spambot.

          2. Not bad, nice work of the reply button to stay toward the top of an article…

            No hop-ons!

            Also, I don’t think anyone noticed my name change in the original comment. THAT WAS THE JOKE.

            1. I subtle is strong with this one.

              1. I = The

        3. Hercule, stop spoofing Pat D. King.

    3. There’s one thing they’re completely right about. That the only thing that makes them come off any sillier than anybody else is that their completely arbitrary imagination of a supernatural realm and the characters who inhabit it-which coast back and forth between existence and non-existence and neither and both at the same time- is less popular right now than the other equally arbitrary and imaginary versions of such characters in such a realm. Though I don’t think they would endorse my wording of what they’re right about.

    4. “We want Charlie Sheen to get better,” he said. “But…”

      Every warlock always has a big but.

  2. That’s all warlocks, is it?

  3. Butthurt warlocks. Sheen should machete them into quivering hunks of fart-meat.

    1. …and the band names just keep on coming.

      1. Just Keep ’em Comin’ would be the title of The Butthurt Warlocks’ sophomore effort.

  4. Every fantasy lore I’ve ever seen has basically differentiated warlocks from wizards by making the warlocks out as more martial/evil, so it’s strange that the geek religion they inspire would abandon that.

    1. They weren’t all evil. Uncle Arthur was pretty zany and fun-loving, as I recall.

      1. Agreed. I got all of my knowledge of witchcraft from Bewitched.

    2. I thought wizards had the large hats, while warlocks wore rams’ horns.

      1. what about Tim?

        1. That’s what some call him.

  5. With lock HP pools, you’d think they’d just shrug off this kind of PR.
    Or just fear-lock and DoT him to death.

    1. Koo koo ka choo.

      Hey, what am I thinking?

      1. That interpretation occurred to me as well.

      2. That’s “goo goo ga joob”.
        Wait, you’re not the real John Lennon.

        1. Could be him mediated through a warlock.

        2. I’ve got the “red” and “blue” Beatles compilation CDs, and the lyrics list it as “goo goo g’joob”.

          1. This isn’t like that Libyan dude, is it?

          2. I got mine from an old LP of Magical Mystery tour that has been lost for years. I might be off on the apostrophe.

          3. According to the Brits, “goo goo g’joob” is what Humpty Dumpty said after he fell off the wall. Hence “I am the egg man – goo goo g’joob.”

  6. “Warlocks are peaceful and enlightened,” he said. “They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness and anger.”…

    They seem to have missed Charlie’s point entirely–a “Vatican assassin warlock” is obviously a very specific kind of warlock.

    1. Am I understanding correctly that he’s saying that he’s on a mission from God? Because if that’s the case, his coolness is going right off the charts. He may have even passed Bowie.

      1. Sheen is retarded. I love him. Warlock, morlock, whatever. People pretend that they want to see him “healed”. They really want to see him flame out in a big way. I know I do. Go Charlie Go!

        1. A few sites are talking about his crash being “overexposed” or “boring.” That’s not only false, it’s a blatant lie. This is the best fun I’ve had with a celebrity in a while. In fact, I rarely pay any attention. This time, however, it’s great.

          I don’t want Charlie to die or destroy anything, but how far he’s willing to go with this is anyone’s guess. I predict that he becomes a huge force in entertainment, second only to the Oprah.

          1. Look, not to be an asshole… but I’d rather Charlie die then go into rehab and come out a tee-totalling fuckneck talking about his higher power and kabbalah.

            And I’m not convinced death or rehab are his only options, either.

            1. You don’t understand what’s happening here. Charlie is one of those people who is a functioning drug addict/party hound. There are other examples of this in history, including “living” examples like Keith Richards.

              1. “You don’t understand what’s happening here. Charlie is one of those people who is a functioning drug addict/party hound. There are other examples of this in history, including “living” examples like Keith Richards.”

                And all the big money is in off-network syndication! Now that the show’s on hiatus?

                Those syndication rates should go through the roof.

                1. He’s crazy. . .like a fox!

                  1. He’s gonna be rich for a long time.

                    1. This business only serves to make him richer.

            2. Totally. I mean, sure we want to have a dad and all but not if he’s uncool.

              1. You know, maybe if you have to keep changing your name to trick people into reading your drivel, maybe you should catch a hint and go away.

              2. They have alternative parenting options. Which is probably for the best.

            3. Or even worse–join Scientology.

            4. You know, you can be into drugs and the kabbalah at the same time. That’s what Bowie did when he made Station to Station.

              Just to bring things around to Bowie again.

              1. If I wasn’t clear, Bowie is the Chief Arbiter of Cool on this planet.

                By the way, I’m only one person removed from him. And from the Shat.

                1. I dunno. Is it just me or has Shatner overexposed himself, thus losing a lot of the coolness we originally loved him for?

                  1. It’s you–may the Shat forgive you. Someday, he’ll be gone, and all we’ll have is leagues and leagues of tape to remember him by.

          2. I think it’s all a put on like that Ben Affleck Joaquin Phoenix thing.

            1. Casey Affleck

              1. What’s the difference?

      2. “Am I understanding correctly that he’s saying that he’s on a mission from God?”

        I think it’s a “Da Vinci Code” reference.

        Anyway, it seems to me that Charlie Sheen should be the one that’s offended.

        Vatican assassin warlocks obviously aren’t peaceful or enlightened, and if they communicate with the dead? They certainly don’t learn anything from it…

        How dare these vanilla warlocks running around spreading rumors and lies about Vatican assassin warlocks–they should be ashamed of themselves!

        1. I prefer to think of it as a Blues Brothers reference.

  7. “If he made that comment against the Christians or Jewish people, there would be outrage,”

    Isn’t “Vatican assassian warlock” offensive to Christians?

    1. Not to Protestants. The existence of such people is a regular part of most Protestant sect sermons.

    2. maybe Western Catholics. Lutherans, Anglicans, and other protestants don’t really care what the pope thinks.

      1. Well, you can’t say that Lutherans don’t have a – what shall we say? – *tradition* of that.

        1. Don’t y’all pray to Martin Luther King or something like that? I know that monkey Lutherans cast 95 feces against a door once a year. Or did I dream that?

          1. Yeah, they do – but only during Kwanzaa.

            1. I thought Lutherans were German. Learn something new every day around here.

              1. Yeah, and they adhere to a strict diet of worms or some such, IIRC.

                1. I’ll grant an indulgence for such comments.

          2. ProL, you are playing a dangerous game mentioning MLK and feces-throwing monkeys. Do I need to summon joe?

            1. Oops. Maybe you’re right. Okay, I retract the King reference. We’ll just go back to plain Martin Luther. The feces part is funnier, anyway.

            2. It’s always risky when you go full Calvin’s dad.

      2. Opinion varies. The Pope can be a misguided brother in Christ, the actual Antichrist, one of a number of Antichrists, the agent of the Antichrist, the heir to the pagan Roman Pontifex Maximus, or some old dude whose taste in dresses run more towards the linen than the chiffon.

        1. But who says he has assassins?

          1. A gentleman by the name of Eric John Phelps. Claims that Malcolm X, Che Guevara, and JFK were all assassinated by the Jesuits to pursue a NWO/Zionist/Catholic agenda.

            I have yet to troll this person.

        2. I have a theory that at least 50% of all criticism of Catholicism is simply Protestant sour grapes.

          The other 50% are Catholics.

          1. It’s a fun game to watch, better than tennis and soccer.

            Protestants: Pagan idolaters!
            Catholics: Schismatics!
            Protestants: Mary-worshippers!
            Catholics: Arians!
            Protestants: Blasphemers!
            Catholics: Heretics!
            Protestants: Child rapists!
            Catholics: Well, the priests were really sorry about that and we paid the families off and Jesus said turn the other cheek (face, not butt)….

  8. They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness

    The dead’s word for that is “aggression,” dorkhole.

    “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Litigable.”
    ?olde warlocke slogane

    1. One of the things I’ve noticed, having seen John Edwards’ show?

      Is that when the dead say stuff–it’s really boring. The dead never have anything interesting to say…

      Okay, so the dead know my name starts with a “K”, and they’re still with me?

      So what?!

      Who wants to talk to the dead? Bunch of boring a-holes, all of them!

  9. Warlocks are peaceful and enlightened,” he said. “They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness and anger.

    Great. Hippies even lame up the word ‘warlock.’ Have they tried this shit with ‘necromancer’, yet?

    1. Don’t “Satanists” preach honey and light, too?

      If this is the act of the hippies again, I’m thinking that the rednecks at the end of Easy Rider may have been the good guys.

  10. Free Minds and Free Markets and Free Drivel

  11. But here we are, a legally-recognized religion and we get slammed by an obviously disturbed actor,

    Real religions don’t need to use state recognition as evidence of being a religion.

    1. Yeah, I was amused by that line. What does ‘legally recognized’ mean in a nation with the first amendment? It’s actually a step backwards.

      1. It would mean something to me if warlocks used mushrooms as a way to speak with the dead, and were legally allowed to do so.

        Unfortunately they sound like lame asses.

      2. I’m guessing something like they can’t be fired for their ‘religion’.

        1. The nice thing about it though is you can always count on a guy like that being a total incompetent and giving you a completely unrelated excuse.

  12. For your consideration: the complaining warlock’s official photo: http://media.avclub.com/images…..00_q85.jpg

    1. What does the head of anubis have to do with being a warlock?

      1. I don’t know, but the guyliner is definitely essential.

      2. New Age bullshit always tries to connect itself back to ancient Egypt. Pyramid power blah, blah.

        If you’re not prepared to snort ground up mummy, you ain’t shit, youngster.

        1. ground up mummy, it’s a hell of a drug

          1. It’s hard not to think of Rick James when discussing Charlie Sheen. Or Charlie Murphy.

    2. Eddie Izzard looks great for his age…

    3. Wait, Episiarch is a warlock?

  13. At least Two And A Half Men is over. Even if they recast/write him off, the show is doomed.

    Our long National Nightmare is over.

    1. nah, they’ll just replace Charlie with Judd Nelson

      1. Gary Fucking Busey.

        1. The thought of his deranged Chiclet teeth in HD is intriguing.

          1. It would make perfect L’Affaire Sheen.

            1. And Glisten could become a major advertiser. Despite media reports, Gary Busey is able to brush those things like a normal human and is not, in fact, forced to go through a car wash with a Mr. Sardonicus grin on his face to get them clean.

              1. I saw part of some crappy movie he was in years ago where he was the romantic lead. The romantic lead! Busey!

                Can’t remember what it was called, but it had a The Graduate-like ending, with him crashing the wedding to get the girl. I think a hang-glider was involved, but I can’t swear to it.

                1. Valley of the Wolves: Iraq?

                  1. I don’t think so. I think this was before Iraq was invented.

                    1. That’s it! Very good research work based on pretty lame data.

                      Interesting about Annette O’Toole. She appeared in movies with Busey, Nolte, and Margot Kidder. See a trend?

                    2. I had forgotten that O’Toole was in that terrible Canadian TV/PBS version of Bridge To Terabithia.

                    3. Isn’t she Canadian? I have this vague memory.

                      Just to show how odd young brains work, I used to confuse her and Jane Seymour. Which is totally screwed up.

                      Another one of those was James Tolkan and Donald Pleasence.

                    4. She’s from Texas.

                    5. Same thing, right?

          2. Say, where is Captain Willard in all of this? Or Otto?

            1. Marty is crawling along the edge of a straight razor and Emilio is writing the script for Men At Work 2: This Time It’s Recycled.

              1. I say they all get together and make a sequel to Repo Man. Martin can take on Harry Dean Stanton’s role, and Charlie can play the radiation-loving guy. Otto is Otto, of course.

                1. The warlock can get in the trunk and glow.

                  1. Maybe he should play multiple characters.

                  2. Who’s playing the UFO Network chick that will fuck you in front of her office in the back seat of a stolen car an hour after meeting you?

                    1. Denise Richards. It’s a film/intervention.

                    2. Episiarch.

                    3. I think not.

                    4. Well that didn’t take long at all….

                    5. Who’s playing the UFO Network chick that will fuck you in front of her office in the back seat of a stolen car an hour after meeting you?

                      Could it be ……. SATAN?!

      2. Emilio Sheen, the former Mr. Paula Abdul.

      3. They should totally pull a “Darrin” on the whole situation with Judd Nelson. Just recast and move on like nothing happened. That’d be funny.

        1. That doesn’t happen often enough, if you ask me. Hell, I’d recast the whole show every season to avoid cost overruns. Actors are a dime a dozen.

    2. I caught it now and then, when nothing else to do, because there was usually some chick falling half out of her blouse and, at my age, that alone is pretty thrilling. Except for the housekeeper, I (and probably John too) wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed.

      1. Two words:

        Sophia Vergara.

        My wife likes the show Modern Family. I wouldn’t watch it if she didn’t, and even then I wouldn’t watch it if Sophia Vergara weren’t on it.

        The gay couple is pretty damn funny though.

        The part that clearly makes the show fiction is it requires you to suspend disbelief to the point that you would accept that Sophia Vergara would hook up with Al Bundy.

        1. Maybe chocolate-flavored money comes out of his cock when he titty-fucks her.

          1. I will admit I’ve never seen the show.

            1. Well she does have the perfect tatas for TF’ing. Which, again, is pretty much the only reason I sit through the show.

              1. There was a terrible movie called Chasing Papi that had Sophia Vergara, Jaqui Velasquez (not sure on the spelling, but she was a Christian pop-singer), and Rosalyn Sanchez.

                I admit to watching that movie a couple of times because it had Sophia Vergara, Jaqui Velasquez (not sure on the spelling, but she was a Christian pop-singer), and Rosalyn Sanchez.

    3. Did you see Miley Cyrus on SNL last weekend? She nailed it. How about that Two and a Half Men? It’s been a staple of great bawdy, American comedy for sometime, and it will continue to be for years to come. I just love Rose! She is inspiration for plus sized women everywhere!

      1. Now I feel like John. I haven’t watched an episode of the show in a couple years, so maybe she got fat, but I wouldn’t have called Rose plus sized.

    4. Now if only they’d cancel The Big Bang Theory

  14. Mr. Gillespie I see your Marvel Cosmic Nerdity and raise you Charlie Sheen Vs. Galactus!

    http://www.bleedingcool.com/20…..-galactus/

  15. “They have the ability to communicate with the dead…”

    Or for fuck’s sake, do these idiots actually believe that nonsense?

    1. I imagine it must be a very dull conversation.

      < Warlock >: “Helllooo dead guy… oommmmmmmm nom shabai shaboodie….”

      < Dead guy >: …

      < Warlock >: “Dead guy! Come innnnn deeeaaadd guuyyyyyy….. ”

      < Dead guy >: …

      1. Does this mean that John Edward is a warlock?

        1. He’s a showman good at exploiting gullible people.

          1. So he’s not a warlock?

            1. Nope, still just the Biggest Douche in the Universe.

              1. Definitely up there. Pretty evil to prey on the gullibility of the bereaved.

  16. >>”Another crazy, made-up religion.”
    >”Isn’t that an oxymoron?”

    No, it’s not. But it certainly is a redundancy.

  17. Can we pit Julian Sands Walock against Paul Lynde as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched?

    1. That’s like pitting a dog versus a tank. Lynde is unbeatable.

        1. The original Hollywood Squares were the best, and Paul Lynde was fucking hilarious. I’ve seen clips of the old show, and I get so many more of the jokes than I did when I watched it as a kid – and it’s surprising how racy some of that stuff was.

          George Gobel was pretty damn funny too. But there was a reason Paul Lynde was the center square.

          1. and that reason was “teabagging Peter Marshall”

          2. I concur.

          3. My understanding is that the folks on The Hollywood Squares had a tendency to be “mean” drunks, particularly Paul Lynde.

            The panel on The Match Game, however, were “fun” drunks.

            1. Richard Dawson.

              1. You know Joann Pflug got freaky when high…

                1. . . .with Fannie Flagg.

            2. Cage fight between Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Riley, each wielding large double-headed dildos. Who wins?

              1. America.

                1. Indeed.

                  1. Charles Nelson Reilly starred in a Sid & Marty Kroft show.
                    Paul Lynde did not.
                    Charles Nelson Relley is clearly the superior entity.

                    1. The trinity of Reilly, Lynde, and Dawson is a potent force.

  18. But here we are, a legally-recognized religion and we get slammed by an obviously disturbed actor.”

    Legally recognized? Whatever happened to separation of Church and State?

    1. And what’s with the hyphen? What’s wrong with people today?

      1. I’m so glad to know that that was bothering someone else. I would hate to think that I was psycho obsessive compulsive or something.

      2. Nobody edits any-thing anymore

  19. I don’t understand. If you don’t get to use Eldritch Blast what exactly is the point of being a Warlock?

    The hairy dwarf poon?

  20. Nobody expects Vatican assassin warlocks!

  21. “Warlocks are peaceful and enlightened,” he said. “They have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it. They have nothing to do with aggressiveness and anger.”…

    Bullshit!!!

    The true Warlock Church is putting the War back into Warlock!!

    1. What’s the Sherlock-warlock connection?

  22. heathen scum. warlocks will burn in hell.

  23. I can’t believe you played the Julian Sands card. For that I must subject you to the trailer for Dario Argento’s most inexplicable movie, “Phantom of the Opera”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkRBwRQb6gc

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