Headline of the Week (Though It's Only Wednesday): "Convicted urine collector in trouble again"


From CNN, the world's most trusted name in news:

Convicted urine collector in trouble again

An Ohio man whose fetish-driven actions led Ohio to pass a law banning the collection of bodily fluids may be headed back to jail.

Alan David Patton, 59, is awaiting trial for allegedly installing urine-collection devices in a Lewis Center, Ohio, fast-food restaurant, The Columbus Dispatch reported.

The Columbus Dispatch reports that the fast-food restaurant in question was a Burger King, so I'm going to go ahead and call this a win for McDonald's. Though the apparent fact that BK does apparently check its restrooms once in a while might change a few minds about the Home of the Whopper.

Since I started this day with a tribute to Ronald Coase, theorist of property rights and optimal allocations of resources, I'll leave it his fans among the Hit & Run commenters to work through this story. And to possibly justify its presence here, other than to put something new up since it's been a while since my deadbeat colleagues have fed the server squirrels.

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  1. it’s been a while since my deadbeat colleagues have fed the server squirrels.

    There’s always the “Tucker Carlson, RACIST, Wants Michael Vick Dead” story…

    As for the urine collector guy… WTF?

    1. “Though the apparent fact that BK does apparently”

      You got paid to write this?

  2. You can have my urine when you pry it from my warm, wet hands.

    1. You can’t fool me, “MikeP.” I know who you really are, Moises.

  3. Nick, your only justification is that you did this to piss everyone off.

    1. His favorite movie is “Old Yeller”

      1. Speaking of which, H&R needs more movie and book reviews. I just can’t get enough of them.

        1. iloveanal, you’re on the wrong thread 😉

          1. Speak of the devil, I wonder what’s going on with Jorine Vandersloot?

  4. OK, I get that this is a creepy dude, doing creepy business. But that’s it, correct? He’s not violating other people’s rights, is he? Am I missing something here?

    1. You could argue that there is a privacy right, since urinalysis could be used to discover information about a person, include information of legal significance, and since people usually operate under the assumption that their urine will not be collected and sampled.

      That argument doesn’t really hold up if he collected an anonymized mixture of bodily fluids from countless people, though.

      1. Did you originally write “argument doesn’t hold water” but didn’t want to see a repeat of the golf puns thread?

      2. I think you’re pissing in the wind.

        1. I wouldn’t piss on him if his heart was on fire.

          1. I’m no dope but I’ve lost all hope, so hit the fuckin’ road and piss up a rope.

    2. If you’re collecting little boys urine and in the past you’ve taken those actions further which I believe he has (This is local news for me so I’ve been hearing about this guy for a while now), you’re going to get arrested and nobody is really going to defend you. I don’t really think you’re missing anything, it’s just the way it is here and in probably every other country and universe.

      1. So the answer is: it’s creepy behavior so we outlaw it. I get that, since it is, after all, the justification for pretty much any ban on consensual sexual activity.

        1. I think I dated you in Boston in 1983…

        2. I think the idea was to try and stop this guy before he took it to the next level as he has in the past. I understand that making a silly law based on the actions of one a**wipe is exactly how we get bad laws, but I don’t think too many people are going to be losing sleep over the fact that people aren’t allowed to collect urine from public restrooms. I don’t know that I would put this in the same category as banning consensual activity since the idea was to stop this guy from engaging in non-consenual sexual activity. It may not be good law but I don’t know that I would call it prudish. This guy is a convcted pedaphile who is obviously still dealling with those issues. I for one don’t really give a sh*t what they do to the guy.

          1. “I for one don’t really give a sh*t what they do to the guy.”


            1. Yeah, I think my list of things going on in this country that are pissing me off are sufficient without worrying about this perv.

              1. Think of the childrens…why do you hate them so?

                1. They need to man up and tell the state to stop using them as pawns to justify their fascist bullsh*t:)

              2. First they came for the piss collectors…

          2. “but I don’t think too many people are going to be losing sleep over the fact that people aren’t allowed to collect urine from public restrooms.”

            They took our jerbs!

        3. If the law says you can’t collect urine deposited on your own property then it’s wrong. But what makes you think it doesn’t violate anyone’s rights to tamper with someone else’s plumbing to install a any device in Burger King’s bathroom without their permission. It’s private property and not yours creepy pee collecting christina.

          1. That’s actually a good point. If I owned the restaurant I would think that a creepy guy collecting urine in my bathroom can’t be good for business. That being said, shouldn’t he be charged with criminal trespassing then?

            1. At least vandalism. Even without the creepy piss scavenger bad for business factor, you can’t just go take a pipe wrench and start tinkering with someone’s plumbing. Bad plumbing means emergencies where shit and piss goes all over the place which is kind of a faux pas in the restaurant biz.

  5. I thought garbage was no longer private property. Wouldn’t this be legally the same thing?
    And I second the deadbeat colleagues thing. I am working today so entertain me.

  6. Didn’t Frank Zappa have a story where friends/relatives of his put jars of urine under the floorboards (for some reason)? — after some time had passed, they pried up the boards and saw small worms swimming in the older jars!


      1. Ahh–thanx!

  7. Or you could give Ezra Klein a swift kick in the nuts:

    But the bigger problem is that no one’s first love is tax simplification. Politicians don’t want to modernize the tax code so much as they want to change the tax code in ways that fit their long-term goals.

    Conservatives want lower taxes, particularly on the rich.

    1. Maybe he means “conservative politicians”? I’m pretty sure conservative voters and activists are more interested in tax simplification than in helping rich people which, statistics would suggest, they are mostly not.

  8. So, would it be in poor taste, or freakin hilarious to submit this idea to Mike Rowe for a segment on an upcoming Dirty Jobs episode?

  9. I’m thinking of something beginning with a W …

  10. If one were to google “urine collection device” how many hits would one get?

    1. That’s rhetorical!

      1. About 4,150,000 results (0.23 seconds). Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

  11. Why doesn’t he just hire an adult sex worker in a mutually consensual act of exchanging money for being pissed on?

    Oh, wait – that’s illegal too.

    1. Hillary Clinton is looking for collectors of bodily fluids- at least from UN diplomats. There’s a career for everybody.

    2. He’s into little boys so that wouldn’t do it for him anyways.

      1. He’d fit right in at the UN…

      2. Point, consider yourself missed.

      3. Point, consider yourself missed.

  12. With my busy schedule I just don’t have time for Golden Showers.

    So I use the wipes…

    1. [Camera pulls back, revealing a Martha Stewart kitchen, where three 30’s-ish housewives are talking over coffee.]

      TVHw: so when my friend Judy told me about new Uriel moist towelettes, I knew I had to try them! Now I can take the experience with me. In the car, at the store, or even at soccer practice, I can enjoy the cleansing purity of urine. Thanks, Uriel!

      Narrator: Try Uriel wipes, available in natural, coffee, and diabetic scents. Or try new unscented Uriel for the most discreet experience ever!

      1. They were test-marketing the asparagus scent around here but it didn’t go over too well.

      2. unscented?

        Now you’ve gone too far

      3. Just want to point out that “cleansing purity of urine” is a phrase we simply do not use enough. ALthough I suspect there’s a death metal album by that name out there somewhere.

        1. This sounds like a job for Warty.

        2. This sounds like a job for Warty.

  13. Why can’t he drink a lot of beer and coffee and collect his own. He probably wouldn’t know the difference.

    1. Especially not if he’d had enough beer.

  14. What does it say about me that my first reaction to this story “this would be a great motif for a Batman villain.”

    1. <Adam West voice>Hmmm . . . This looks like the work of . . . the Tinkler!</Adam West voice>

        1. The jewel-encrusted bidet of some vaguely asian king is stolen from the Gotham museum. I picture lines like “Look, Batman! A clue in the snow!” and henchmen called The Attendants who use weaponized paper towels and cologne.
          Cliffhanger is, of course, the dynamic duo suspended over a giant toilet.

      1. “Haha! Now that I have your urine, Batman, I can test it and discover your secret identity!”

  15. If the collection was for drug testing in a public school, I (scarily) would not be surprised if the Supreme Court managed to ok it based on the fact that you are “abandoning” your urine in that collection receptacle.

    1. They’ve pretty much established that anything goes in public schools anyways (locker searches, strip searches, etc). All part of the indoctrination process.

  16. The point is that, since the 1930’s, the Supreme Court has abdicated as the nation’s constitutional court. As a result, a legislature can make a felony out of almost anything, even a harmless (though nauseating) medical condition.


  17. I’m rising above the flood and and listening to music instead.

  18. I’m thinking this thread could really benefit from some Sugarfree…

    1. Isn’t he at a Coprophilia Convention?


        1. Where the hell have you been all day? Did you try to crawl back into your test tube? I don’t give a shit if you got glass splinters on your ass; kiss it yourself.

  19. No Justice, No Pee

  20. Point, consider yourself missed.

    (also, fuck you, reason spam filter!)

    1. Fuck…well, that was supposed to be directed at AlimightyJB

      1. The point missed or the fuck you? I’ll take either.

        1. So you like #1 or #2 on you?

          1. Love Hate Sex Pain. I’ll take whatever I can get.

  21. Heller this one is for you baby


      1. I love you too Heller 😉

  22. I think we should take the Glenn “instapundit” Reynolds approach and nuke him!


  23. The golden warmth of my flow
    glints and flashes like summer lightning
    gilden letters etched in snow
    but in my mother’s handwriting

  24. Your majesty is like a stream of bat piss!

  25. Nobody ever makes jokes about Scatman Crothers name any more.

  26. The man in the photo is screaming in pain; his wife has just jammed metal spikes into his eyes.

    1. And he’s got a fever, which makes it worse.

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