Let's Play, "Can You Guess Which Headline Is Satire?"

Today's challenge:

• Man Arrested After Ejaculating During TSA Pat-Down
• Elected Official Says TSA Pat Downs Promote 'Homosexual Agenda'

Make your guess. Then click here and here to see how you did. Winners get a valuable prize.*

(*Note: There is no valuable prize.)

Comments

[Aresen]

I was right.

[Lint]

The TSA never gives happy endings.

[35N4P2BYY]

Third! I guessed right!

[Greer]

FUCK YOU. I said number 2 was more credible. And fuck me, it was a trick question.

[Suki]

Second.

[cynical]

How was it a trick question?

[Nobody saw this coming]

The valuable prize is a lie.

And wasn't there a post on failblog some time ago about a guy who manned one of those nude scanners being caught jerking off during his shift?

[Lint]

The valuable prize is cake.

[Some other guy]

the cake is a lie

[Lint]

Yes, thank you, that was the joke.

[Amakudari]

Okay, so try this, we replace the word "cake" with "valuable prize" and then make it into a joke.

[Wind Rider]

Works better with pie. Mmmm. Pie.

[Joe M]

The cake is a pie?

[Larry Edelstein]

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowclone

[Nobody saw this coming]

Modus ponens.

[joshua corning]

Well at least we still get a song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RthZgszykLs

[Some other guy]

uh I beat you by 8 min

[Bramblyspam]

Not bad... but I think this makes a more suitable song for the occasion:

Ding Dong Song

[Bill]

I thought it was a free lunch.

[Slap the Enlightened!]

Maybe it's a free paper cup with your name on it.... provided your name is Dixie.

[heller]

That was a joke article by the UK's version of the Onion.

[RyanXXX]

MAN OH MAN I was hoping for the first one. What a shit storm (cum storm?) that would have caused.

The second one is almost as good though

[Episiarch]

Of course both are true. How could they not be?

[The Kochtopus]

Good. Good. You are a loyal minion, Episarch.

[Nobody saw this coming]

And I love that name: Percy Cummings.

[Episiarch]

So ejaculation man gets arrested for sexually assaulting a TSA officer, which happened while the TSA officer was sexually assaulting (by some people's definition) him. Why is the TSA agent not also being arrested? Maybe also for public indecency ("sex" in public)? Or prostitution (the TSA agent gets paid to feel people's junk)?

[Episiarch]

Well, color me stupid, Dead Serious News is just another type of Onion. I withdraw the above question. Kudos to their writer, though, they really made it plausible.

[Lint]

Except for the name, Percy Cummings.

[sounds real good]

And his partner's name, Sergio Armani, is similar to Giorgio Armani...

[Xenocles]

Who is an interior decorator from San Francisco. Yeah, it was the "walking stereotype" that tipped me off on that one.

[Mr Whipple]

They got me, too.

[Jim]

But it says Dead Serious News and claims to be the "world's only dead serious news source", so I'm still believing that's the real story.

[WUSA News Now]

Correction: the second article contains a typo. It should have read:

"But others, like Russ Glaum, say politicians have a right to have a public and private hand job."

We apologize for any confusion this emission may have caused.

[prolefeed]

*Note: There is no valuable prize.

There is a prize. A valuable prize -- CAKE! Yummy, yummy cake. *

* The cake is a lie.

[Some other guy]

A Triumph

[prolefeed]

That was a fucking awesome link. Thanks!

[Bingo]

"It's the federal employee's version of the Gay Bill of Special Rights... That means the next TSA official that gives you an 'enhanced pat down' could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission," Delgaudio wrote.

bwahaha

[Atanarjuat]

Yeah, I'm a sick fuck, but have never uttered the phrase "secretly getting pleasure from your submission". I foresee Delgaudio is the next in the venerable line of anti-gay politicians who are caught hiring a teenage boy to jam a steel rod into their pee-hole.

By the way Bingo, is this you?

[Bingo]

Haha, I hope I don't come off as that androgynous!

[Episiarch]

It's clearly Bingo. He's wearing a wig.

I foresee Delgaudio is the next in the venerable line of anti-gay politicians who are caught hiring a teenage boy to jam a steel rod into their pee-hole

We really need to start some pools on this. It's just a matter of time, after all; we might as well bet on it.

[Some Guy]

Elected Official Says TSA Pat Downs Promote 'Homosexual Agenda' After Ejaculating During TSA Pat-Down

[Some other guy]

satire is now reality

[Some Guy]

Elected officials getting "patted down" used to only happen in the bathrooms of airports.

[James Ard]

That brings up a question. Does Larry Craig get to have a pat down? And I heard Barney Frank has given up flying on executive jets.

[Shannon1201]

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[Some other guy]

sold!

[0x90]

Shouldn't, you be over posting on, Krugman's? page

[Aresen]

Let's send Shannon1201 through a TSA checkpoint.

1201 times.

[Jim]

With grammar like that, how could I NOT believe you?

[Observer]

Exactly what I would expect from intellectual munchkins. Jokes about 'teh gais' and masturbation.

Just a general observation. Likely no more than one in five of you has an education beyond high school.
Much less would I expect any of you to be pursuing a masters in a rigorous pursuit of knowledge like English Literature where you actually have to apply your brain to parsing a text that goes beyond a fart joke.

[Beavis]

heheheheh he said fart

[hmm]

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny."

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants."

[sr7]

Teacher: I would like for someone to pick a word and use it in a sentence. Anyone? Anyone at all . . . Okay, Little Johnny, what is your word.

Little Johnny: Urinate.

Teacher: Urinate? 'Urinate' is your word? Okay. What is your sentence, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny: Teacher, you're an eight, but if you had bigger tits you would be a ten!

[Some other guy]

Not gonna lie to you, I've seen girls who I'd mark as 10 with itty bitty titties.

[sr7]

Same here. In spite of the joke, I kind of prefer a tight figure, even if means less bouncy bouncy.

[Bingo]

rigorous pursuit of knowledge like English Literature

hahahahahahaha

[Tom]

My thoughts exactly.

[Keith Olbermann]

Fart.

[hmm]

You need to work on your troll skills.

[Observer Questionnaire]

How Was My Trolling?

Please take the time to respond to our quality assurance questionnaire. You may be aware, I am the newest troll in a long and prestigious line of trolls here on H'n'R. With your help, we can make the future even better than the golden age of high H'n'R trolling that reigned supreme in the late Bush era!

1. I take a rather meta tack in my approach to the art of trolling. Do you find this to be effective, or especially lame?

2. How do my posts make you feel?

A. insulted and angry
B. gives you a bit of a chuckle
C. a blas? 'been there, done that'
D. other, and please describe.

3. If I was to change one thing about my trolling, what would it be?

[0x90]

1) I have to choose one or the other?
2) D: hungry, but that may be coincidence
3) more fart jokes, definitely

[Butthead]

hehehe he said fart

[sr7]

1) Agree with 0x90, effectively lame
2) b+b because the phrase 'been there done that' is also blas?.
3) Don't change a thing! You are providing hardy laughs to one and all, and you might mess that up if you became less high and mighty and presumptive.

[Gaybraham Lincoln]

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits!

Ph.D. in English Literature, please.

[Jordan]

English Lit? BWAHAHAHA! You continue pretending to read authors' minds, I'll continue designing software.

[Tom]

Observer,

You're a pretentious, masturbating queer.

[Spoonman.]

I'm getting a PhD in Earth Science, but yeah, go ahead with that smugness...

[observer]

"a PhD in Earth Science"

You're pretty proud for an aggie.

[-]

Can we get a dramatic reading of Observer's comments?

[Spiny Norman]

Huh, huh, huh ... You said fart.

[Spiny Norman]

Jinx!

[Anonymous Coward]

Delgaudio said he makes $40,000 a year as a supervisor. But he makes $150,000 as president of the Public Advocate. He says the voters that elected him three times, know about his private job.

Why, oh why can't I find someone to pay me $150,000 to say stupid shit?

[0x90]

Presidents do that every four years. And they get even more than 150k.

[Anonymous Coward]

But Presidents aren't paid only to say stupid shit. They get paid to do lots of other things too. There's thinking stupid shit, doing stupid shit, being interviewed by people stupider than themselves, and being photographed while looking stupid.

[hmm]

So much for my porn and raging hardon theory of going through checkpoints.

Fuckers ruin all the fun.

[Gaybraham Lincoln]

I bet the 'homosexual agenda' has much better things to do like fantasy football.

[Some other guy]

"If the Shula Fits" is 10-2. We gonna win the office league. You're dead to me.

[Max]

I'll bet Eugene Delgaudio is a dimwit tea party asshole. You should ask him for a donation.

[sr7]

Say Max, have you been keeping up with How I Met Your Mother this season? The writing has definitely improved significantly this year, wouldn't you agree?

[Aresen]

*sigh*

Does beastiality have to come up in every thread?

[sr7]

Oh, yeah, that 'goat in the bathtub' running gag is certainly suggestive. How do they even look one another in the eye in that bar booth?

[Episiarch]

"Sex with animals?!? There's no time, man!"

[JW]

Isn't that one of the few hard and fast rules of posting on H&R? We could call for a quorum of the ruling members and execute a vote on the matter to resolve it once and for all.

We probaby should anyway. The Secret Chamber is still in need of cleaning from the last vote.

[Episiarch]

Don't be disingenuous. You know Warty has the final say on bestiality, just like you have the final say on being a douchebag.

[Warty's proxy]

twice.

[Jordan]

That's a little out of Max's intellectual depth. He's more of a Two and a Half Men kind of guy.

[Fatty Bolger]

He tried to get into it, but the plots were too complicated.

[joshua corning]

HOLY SHIT!!

Big news!!

Archer is getting a new season come January!!!

[The Pele of Anal!]

Danger Zone!

[bored]

Homosexual Pat Says Elected Downs Promote 'Official TSA Agenda'

[JSinAZ]

How big a felony would it be to ask for a female TSA drone to feel my junk?

[prolefeed]

With a handle like "jizzin' in Arizona", I'm guessing it would be a heck of a felony.

[Moncler]

If you are seeking for Moncler coat, http://www.monclerusaoutlet.com will be your right choice as the clothes here are high quapity and on hot sale with low price.

[TSA Agent]

Good thing he wasn't Peter North - they would still be cleaning up the mess.

[James Ard]

One grope over the line.

[Scout Finch]

Boo, Radley!

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