Sports

North Korean Coach Forced to Become Construction Worker After World Cup Defeat

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Photograph courtesy ^Ika^Pro^/flikr

Oh, the joys of communism. From The Daily Telegraph:

North Korea's football team has been shamed in a six-hour public inquisition and the team's coach has been accused of "betraying" the reclusive leader's heir apparent following their failure at the World Cup, according to reports.…

The team's coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers' Party of Korea.…

The country, in its first World Cup since 1966, lost all three group games — including a 7-0 defeat to Portugal.

The broadcast of live games had been banned to avoid national embarrassment, but after the spirited 2-1 defeat to Brazil, state television made the Portugal game its first live sports broadcast ever.

Following ideological criticism, the players were then allegedly forced to blame the coach for their defeats.…

However, media in South Korea said the players got off lightly by North Korean standards.

"In the past, North Korean athletes and coaches who performed badly were sent to prison camps," a South Korean intelligence source told the Chosun Ilbo newspaper.

Despite all the problems we have here, just remember that it could always be worse. You could live in North Korea.

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  1. Wow, the only game they televised was the one against Portugal? Brutal!

  2. I am suprised they returned to North Korea at all.

    1. Families are kept at home under the threat of the cruelest forms of punishment to discourage player defections.

      1. Course, with some families, that would be an INCENTIVE to defect.

        Just sayin’.

      2. Speaking of cruel punishment, how about subjecting the players to “ideological criticism”? THAT’S torture!

        1. They’re playing soccer, haven’t we tortured them enough?

  3. You might think that this sort of stupid recrimination would discourage North Korean kids from wanting to play on a team that will never have a chance of beating the world’s elite. But the truly sad thing is that despite all this most young people in North Korea would still gladly trade places with the players, or the coach for that matter. At least the players got to enjoy a few months outside the prison camp that is their country.

    1. They probably got fed a lot better while outside NK than inside it, so that alone would make it all worth while.

      1. The players are already fed much better once they make it to the national team.

  4. They have free health care, and a public education from pre K up through Dictator.

    1. Got that obesity thing licked.

  5. And naturally, an ad for the Korean dating site comes up. Hey, you can go to the China / NK border. Any Korean women you meet there will be very happy to marry you.

    1. finally, women I can impress. With an actual running 93 Hyundai, 3,000 calories of food (DAILY, with a majority of the calories from non-rat and garbage sources), a ’63 black and white RCA TV, and my high prestige job of paper shuffling, paper stamping, and paper re-shuffling, and my non-dwarf size, I will be quite the catch for a NK woman. Man, I am going to get me a harum.

      1. Hyundais are made by the traitorous US puppets in South Korea, so even an NK woman is going to reject you based on your choice of vehicle. May I suggest a Lada, Volga, Tatra, or Zaporozhetz?

        1. I think if you fed the NK woman well, she wouldn’t care what kind of car you drive. Hell, she’d be impressed you even have a car.

          1. You have a car?!? And food?!? Exploit the hell out of me, you capitalist lackey running dog sex machine!

        2. Get a Corvette with a picture of Maobama on the dashboard.

      2. Gonna get you a scarum, too?

      3. Well, you can get to Shenyang for under $1,000 from LA. I imagine buses to the border are $50 or less. Then you can impress them with your cell phone, sunglasses, and three meals a day.

        1. I would imagine the borders are sealed pretty thoroughly.

          1. There are a lot of NK refugees in Northern China. So many that several Christian agencies have set up support group to try to help them sneak into foreign embassies to get asylum (the Chinese don’t like this, since it embarrasses their prot?g

            1. When the flood gets too great, the Chinese station extra soldiers on the border to turn them away.

            2. I don’t know crap about NK/China relations. Does China really view NK as their protege? Or is it more like their retarded cousin who won’t stop drooling, even during the family photo?

              1. More the latter. They cut of NK supplies when they misbehave too much.

        2. Cell phone??? Cell phone??! You think I’m made of paper dollar bills?
          I’m sure the rotary dial will seem like advance new technology to my NK love bunny.

      4. In North Korea, I am a rich man. Think about that.

  6. We should detain the entire coaching staff and team and ask them if they’d like asylum before allowing them to go back.

    1. Their families were hostages, my theory.

    2. There is only one thing that will free these people, and it’s not our place to kill Kim Jong. Not that I wouldn’t cheer if it happened.

      1. Killing their leader would just mean getting a replacement dictator.

        Just like killing Obama would get you Biden, and then killing Biden would get you Pelosi. No real improvement.

        Not that I’m advocating killing politicians — just pointing out the theoretical consequences of the line of succession.

        1. NK is pretty fucked up, prole–if somebody put one in Kim Jong, I don’t think his successor (which would undoubtedly be someone from the military) could be a crazy as he is. I could always be wrong, but at least that insane mother fucker would be dead.

          1. I thought he was grooming a son for takeover. Ah yes, Google reminds me he is Kim Jong-un. So it’s Kims all the way down.

            1. But Kim, the un-Jong? That has to be an improvement.

            2. Considering Kim is the surname, I should hope it’s Kims all the way down.

          2. @Episiarch – they said that about Saddam and then the world got to know his sons… careful what you wish for

          3. I wouldn’t weep if they killed that fucker, Epi, just skeptical that there aren’t 20 levels of crazy in the line of succession.

            But, yeah, killing dictators one by one would be an improvement — eventually.

          4. Maybe no upside. But much no down side at all.

        2. We’ll be at your door momentarily. Do you have any dogs?

        3. killing Obama

          AHA! I KNEW IT!!!

      2. Say, you’re not that far from North Korea. Why don’t you go abduct him and show him a good time in Seattle? I bet he’ll be wearing black and drinking coffee in no time.

        1. Wearing black? I see you don’t understand Seattle douchebags at all. By the way, it’s almost August and it’s 56 degrees here and foggy right now. This sucks.

          1. It’s burning off already in Lynnwood, but that may be the heat from the flashes on all the red light cameras.

            At least I’m not in North Korea.

            And ProL, the Seattle douches still wear flannel and rub Kurt Cobain hot sauce on their buttholes. I never understood the attraction, but I’m a transplant after all.

            1. Just admit that you’re a skinny jean and ironic t-shit wearing schmuck, sage. No one will think less of you.

              (snicker)

              1. No, my jimmy sock needs to be free. Free as teh wind.

                I really don’t get the skinny jean thing. Like you want to advertise what a scrawny little clown you are.

              2. Ironic t-shit? Man, Seattle is fucking weird.

            2. Its 80s in the days, 70s at night, with cooling tradewinds, here. For the next, oh, forever.

              But, yeah, good coffee in Seattle, Epi. Totally worth it. 😉

              1. I’m telling Icepick that you sold him out, prole. Rick is going to be pissed.

            3. The fog is nice and bright today in Redmond. That’s how you know it’s summer.

            4. It’s burning off already in Lynnwood, but that may be the heat from the flashes on all the red light cameras.

              At least I’m not in North Korea.

              How can you tell?

              *ducks*

          2. By the way, it’s almost August and it’s 56 degrees here and foggy right now. This sucks.

            Enjoy the warmer weather, it goes downhill from here.

  7. *shrug*

  8. He should be grateful that he was not treated like Hanz Brix.

    “Come a rittle croser…croser…now meet my pet shark.”

    1. Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?!?!

  9. The two Japanese born players went straight to Japan after the World Cup. Smart guys.

    1. …putting their names at the top of King Dong Il’s “People to Kidnap” list.

  10. I’m not sure if it was that they actually did reasonably well against Brazil and that gave them some sort of hope or if it was the prospect of them improving on ’66 (went up on Portugal 3-0 before the 25th minute before the inevitable beat-down by Eusebio and friends), but man, what an embarrassing decision to make THAT your first live sports broadcast.

  11. The big irony is that Dear Leader himself may have caused the team to lose against Portugal (or, at least, by as much as it did).

    1. Which is surprising, since Dear Leader is such an amazing athlete that the NK state media reports that he got 11 holes in one the first time he tried golf.

      1. I wonder if anyone actually believes this crap, or whether they silently think, “Wow, they must think we’re brainwashed idiots. Better nod and pretend I completely buy this crap.”

        Assuming they even know what golf IS.

      2. It was the fact that the 11 holes in one was done with one swing that raised my suspicions.

    2. Although far less serious, that’s kind of like Hitler telling his generals what to do, and then blaming them for when his shitty ideas caused the loss of a division or two.

  12. Who the Fuck in North Korea has a televison to watch anyway?

    1. Probably every household. Brainwashing needs a medium.

    2. They can gather at their workplaces to watch, I believe. After their rather decent performance against the Brazilians, I suspect it might have been mandatory.

  13. Can you imagine being harangued for six hours by the cream of Nork bureaucracy? Holy crap. I wonder if it included screenings of one or more of Dear Leader’s films….

    1. I think I’d prefer a bullet.

      1. The bullet will come, but not until after you love Dear Leader.

  14. Well, I’m certainly not going to live in anything built by a man who couldn’t even defeat the world’s best at soccer. The structure would probably collapse right on top of me in the second round.

  15. For more “holy crap, they really are insane” moments, head on over to VBS.TV for the Vice Guide to North Korea. Shane documents his tour north of the 38th parallel and into a bizarre parallel universe. He’s thrown banquets (for two guests) that are designed to demonstrate the prosperity of the state, shown gifts for “dear leader” that demonstrate that all other world leaders recognize his superiority… lots of stuff that makes you think of Kafka.

    While you are there, check out his other stuff. It is disturbing, sometimes poignant, sometimes profane, sometimes horrifically offensive. Of particular value is the guide to Liberia – just fantastic stuff that you don’t see anywhere else.

    1. I saw the NKorea guide before, and was amazed that they made it out alive. A truly bizarre, and cruel country.

      I sincerely felt bad for the tea girl that waits to play ping-pong with foreigners.
      (^sounds like a euphemism, it ain’t)

      1. Out of all the Norks you see in that doc.,she’s the only one that seems like a regular human being,and not just some state controlled robot.

        If anyone from the North Korean government were to see that clip of her,she would probably end up in prison,along with most of her relatives.

    2. The Vice guide is good, but the videos on YouTube of the National Geographic crew who travels to NK with the Nepalese doctor going there to do cataracts surgeries are the ones that get me.

      They threaten to throw a photographer out of the country for laying down near a statue of Kim Il-Sung (so he can get a better angle for his photo) and every single person who gets the surgery gets up when the bandages are removed and lavishes praise on the photo of Kim Jong-il in the room, thanking him for their returned sight (no thanks for the doctor as near as I could tell-and he was doing the surgery as charity).

      1. Just “Amen!” I saw the same video and was equally astounded. Why no “Kiss my ass Dear Leader for letting me go blind!!!”

    3. What about that movie guy who likes the traffic girls so much?

  16. Did Kline graduate from the Ronald Bailey School of Altext?

    1. At my school, they taught us how to figure out what was going on in a picture without looking at the “title” tag.

  17. If only that had happened to the Oilers after their playoff choke against the Bills during the Run-n-Shoot era.

    1. Chokes. I think you’ve run the Warren Moon Era into a single horrible loop.

      Oh, and while we’re at it. Fuck Bud Adams.

      1. “Oh, and while we’re at it. Fuck Bud Adams.”

        Hard. Repeatedly.

    2. Frank Reich!

    3. I wouldn’t exactly cry to see Warren Moon in a re-education camp. Maybe they can teach him how to finish a freaking game.

      Thanks for tearing that old wound open.

  18. Me beer, you trash!

  19. “Kim Jong-hun”

    Ooooo, someone get me in front of a TeeVee exec… I have a great idea for a sitcom.

    Kim Jong-Il meets a sweet, but passive-aggressively demanding, country gal from iowa when on a missions trip she accidentally sleep-walks through the korean DMZ in her PJs. Kimg Jong-Il, long-tired of watching executions, catches a glimpse on a subordinate’s tv screen and instantly falls in love. Then, after commuting her sentence and commuting to a small farming town in Kansas, he gives up his dictatorial ways and becomes a househusband. Opening credits close with the wife calling out “Kim Jong-hun, can you …”, and Kim Jong looking down at his already long to-do list and has a look of comical exasperation.

    I’m thinking a young Crystal Bernard as the girl

    1. I’m guessing Margaret Cho is available to play the lead.

      1. That would require her to do something other than scrunch up her face and scream about how awesome her gay friends are, though.

        1. Moby hopes those are his sons one day

  20. Made him do construction work? They don’t make North Korean dictators like they used to. His dad would have shot everyone associated with that soccer team as soon as they came back into the country.

    1. They ran out of bullets.

      1. But they still have a hammer and a few nails left, I’m sure.

  21. I’m starting a petition drive to have Kim Jong-hun buy the Yankees. Who else could replace Steinbrenner?

    1. Milton Bradley? The only man who could possibly outcrazy Carlos Zambrano in the club house would be epic as a meteoric team owner.

  22. Is this the new “Friday Funnies”

  23. As terrible a mana as he was I wouldn’t mind some Of Uday Hussein’s methods being used on the England team

    A report released on 20 March 2003, one day before the American led invasion of Iraq, by ABC news detailed several allegations against Uday:

    As head of the Iraqi Olympic Committee, Uday oversaw the imprisonment and torture of Iraqi athletes who were deemed not to have performed to expectations. According to widespread reports, torturers beat and caned the soles of the football players’ feet ? inflicting intense pain without leaving visible marks on the rest of their bodies. Uday reportedly kept scorecards with written instructions on how many times each player should be beaten after a poor showing. He would insult athletes who performed below his expectations by calling them dogs and monkeys ? major insults in the Arab world ? to their faces.[7] One defector reported that jailed football players were forced to kick a concrete ball after failing to reach the 1994 FIFA World Cup finals.[8] Iraqi National Football team were seen with their heads shaved after failing to achieve a good result in a tournament in 1980s. It was widely circulated that Uday ordered the shaving as part of the punishment. Another defector claimed that athletes were dragged through a gravel pit and subsequently immersed in a sewage tank to induce infection in the victims’ wounds.[9] After Iraq lost 1:4 to Japan in quarterfinals of the 2000 AFC Asian Cup in Lebanon, goalkeeper Hashim Hassan, defender Abdul Jaber and forward Qahtan Chatir were labelled as guilty of loss and eventually flogged for three days by Uday’s security

    1. fascist sports is best sports!

      1. Team sport is inherently fascist.

  24. Every time I think of how brutal the North Korean regime is, I curse Truman for firing MacArthur. Although for domestic matters he was an excellent president, the current state of affairs in North Korea and China can be laid at Truman’s feet. Lacking a communist China would have hampered the Soviets’ ability to project communism worldwide, and the cold war could have ended much sooner.

    1. But then we never would have had That 70s Show.

    2. Yup, I’m sure that nuking the Korean peninsula would’ve turned out great.

      1. MacArthur didn’t want to nuke the Korean peninsula or anywhere else.
        He was authorized in the use of nukes if need be. He suggested an invasion of North Korea and a continuation into and war with China. His biggest fear was Russian involvement in the war, not the need to use nukes.

        We did not lose the war in the traditional sense, but given our opportunity to leave the Soviet Union alone in its communist ideology, we failed to take advantage of a grand opportunity.

        1. He[MacArthur] suggested an invasion of North Korea and a continuation into and war with China.

          Umm, no, it was the movement of troops across the 38th parallel (ie the invasion of North Korea) that triggered the Chinese sending troops across the Yalu River. And the invasion of North Korea was Truman’s idea, not MacArthur’s. MacArthur was prepared to stop at the 38th parallel in keeping with the original UN resolution. It was truman who ordered him to go on.

          After the Chinese attacked MacArthur suggested using nukes along the Yalu River essentilly to make it a ‘no-man’s” land that the Chinese couldn’t cross. He also wanted to bomb the Yalu River bridges; Truman vetoed both.

          MacArthur never considered invading China itself just neutralizing it as a threat.

          As to, “Although for domestic matters he was an excellent president…”, that is utter bollocks.

          Think the executive incompetence of Obama, the starry eyed goody-twoshoes self-righteousness of Jimmy Carter (HST wanted to create a complete cradle-to-grave welfare state with the money he was going to save by slashing the defense budget to nothing, and the world-saving mesianism of Woodrow Wilson and you have Harry S Truman.

    3. Better yet, we could have helped Taiwan’s government hold mainland China.

      Just imagine, China would have a GDP per capita 3x higher today. We’d probably be $10,000 per person richer here just from the additional gains from trade.

      1. Better yet, we could have helped Taiwan’s government hold mainland China.

        Uhhh…no, “we” couldn’t have.

        The Kuomintang* was hopelessly corupt and incompetent and completely out of touch with the people they claimed to govern.

        *Chiang Kai-shek started out a a Soviet sponsored communist insurgent. Funny how one commie gets booted out by another comies, ain’t it? Same thing happened to Battista.

        Also funny how “we” so often end up taking the side of one commie against another.

        1. Of course, it’s unfair to call Chiang a commie. Like Mussolini, he just started out as a commie but soon realized it was stupid.

          And again, like Mussolini, he settled on totalitarian dictatorship as the preferred model.

  25. The Browns probably shouldn’t move there.

    1. Why not, they’d be the second beast team in North Korea.

  26. At least he has free healthcare.

  27. Well, at least they didn’t exile him to the horrible destitute capitalist world.

  28. When I lived in northeast China a friend of mine is an ethnic Korean who was also a senior police officer in our town. He would disappear occasionally, so at dinner one time I asked him where he went. He told me he had been sent to the border area to interview Korean refugees who had been picked up on the China side. He was supposed to try to determine which were economic refugees who were to be returned and which were political refugees who risked being executed if returned. The political refugees were allowed to stay in China according to my friend. I asked him what he thought of North Korea after interviewing so many refugees and he told me he thinks the place really stinks.
    When I went to part of the Korean border with China it was unfortified and unfenced with just a small stream one could wade across. I think this was the area the two ditz reporters crossed to get photos dancing on the North Korean shore. There are no watch towers in that area, but apparently there are plenty of bunkers with DPRK soldiers who jumped out and caught the two reporters. Kim wanted to meet Clinton and agreed to let the reporters go if Clinton came to North Korea.

  29. The author’s point of view makes me inspired, feel meaningful and show the positive side

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