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Taste The Rainbow For Extra Credit, & Other Sex Ed Attempts Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong

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Cracked.com has a hilariously horrifying list of the five worst attempts to teach sex ed. A snippet:

You remember school, right? With all the geography and pi and recess and stuff. It was pretty fly. It's no surprise then, that schools are at the forefront of making teenagers taste condoms.

A teacher in Santa Fe, New Mexico decided to forgo the tastefully made Cold War-era film reel warning that pubic hair is a-coming, and instead bought a 30-pack of guava condoms and made the kids taste test them. His lesson plan managed to get into the news after a 15-year-old female student took issue with putting a dick sock in her mouth in front of the rest of her class. The teacher's reply? "Come on, sweetie, have a little fun."

Go here for the whole list. And the origin story of Condoman over there, too.

NEXT: A Tale of Two Libertarianisms

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  1. “Sweetie?” Fuck you, with a guava-flavored condom or without.

  2. “Come on, sweetie, have a little fun.”
    I have tried that line, and tried that line, and tried that line…to infinity and beyond!
    It never, ever works!

    1. But remember, 50 nos and a yes is still a yes.

  3. As a libertarian I’m outraged. As a pervert I’m intrigued.

  4. I don’t care what kind of sugarless artificially-flavored syrup you smear your dickwrappers with, condom residue tastes fucking nasty.

      1. Sometimes you have to finish unfinished business, dude. Take a deep breath and endeavor to persevere.

          1. I’m not sure what he’s talking about yet. Not sure I want to know, either.

  5. Is Condoman a Cubs fan?

    1. Ohhhh, its Condoman. I thought he was Capt. Grammerfail.

  6. Condoman’s legs are quite undeveloped compared to his upper body. I see “curls for the girls” assholes like him every day. Fuck you, Condoman, and get the fuck out of the way so I can do my deadlifts.

  7. Oh yes, and Nick gets a +2 for that alt-text.

  8. That Cracked article is well worth a gander. Funny stuff.

  9. Man, the Association of Condominium, Townhouse and Homeowners Associations is going to be pissed when they Google Images search “CondoMan”.

    By the way, you can’t unsee the stuff in that article.

  10. I think the next new condom should be called “Raw dog”. The ads would be great.

  11. Well, as dumb as that cartoon is, let’s face it:

    -Abstinence does not work
    -Abortions are caused by unwanted pregnancies
    -If “pro-life” advocates were serious, they would promote better sex education
    -Society is way too prudish when it comes to sex.

    1. Abstinence does not work

      It works every time its tried, Tristan.

    2. One correction. Abstinence does work. It just doesn’t happen very often.

      1. Abstinence has worked for me for a good 23 years. I plan on allowing it to work until I’m married in two years, at which point it won’t even matter anymore.

        I think it happens more often than people are willing to believe.

        1. Good for you, and I mean that. That takes willpower.

          1. I may have been “abstinent” until I was 23, but I was a big ole introverted geek. Wait, I still am.

        2. No it happens about as often as people believe. Of 44 year olds, only 4% did not engage in premarital sex. Of that 4%, 1% were still virgins and unmarried.

          “A 2002 survey of about 12,500 men and women found that 97 percent of people who were no longer virgins at age 44 had sexual intercourse for the first time before they married.

          “By age 20, only 12 percent of people interviewed had married, but 77 percent had sex, and 75 percent had sex before marriage. By age 44, 99 percent of people were no longer virgins, 95 percent reported having had premarital intercourse, and 85 percent had married at some point.”

    3. I’m a prude. It’s my right to be a prude. It’s my right to convey my values to my children. It’s my right not to give a shit about “society.”

      By the bye, I’m pro-life, but your response to the issue is absurd. Sure, teaching comprehensive sex education to children en masse might stem unwanted pregnancies (but certainly wouldn’t put a stop to them), just as bombing the middle east to pieces might stem radical Islam (but wouldn’t put a stop to it). But you can be against both.

      The reason for my objections is none of your business. I have as much of a right to be against excessive sex education as you do against abstinence-only education. You know what, though? Just teach your own damn kids properly and this conversation won’t even be necessary. This is neither the state’s, nor a school’s, business.

      1. Well, you’re right on the first and last paragraphs. Not sure what to make of the second one exactly.

    4. Speak for yourself, you child-molesting mass-murderer.

      -Abstinence does work every time it’s tried.

      -Abortions are the handiwork of baby-murdering sociopaths such as yourself and the evil mass-murdering organizations you support.

      -In a just world, pro-abortion sociopaths such as yourself would be shot on sight.

      -Society is way too perverse, sex-obsessed, totalitarian, and in need of a nice apocalyptic event coupled with angry mobs of gun-toting “prudes” to cleanse it of parasitic perverts like you.

      -Bonus point: you’d be amazed what kind of stuff got past the censors back when society was more “prudish” than it is today; hell, there are commercials for kids’ underwear from as late as the 1990s that could never be shown on TV today thanks to our allegedly more “open” society’s perversity.

  12. Of course we appear prudish compared to a whore-slut like you.

  13. My class was not unresponsive.

  14. Obama moonlights as Condom Man?

  15. The fact that this post is 10x less popular than a Ron Paul thread says something about reason’s readership

    1. What does it say, though?

  16. It figures that the apex of retardation was the freakin’ Canadians.

    Canadian sex-ed is perhaps just a little too open. I really wish I could find a link, but when I was in kindergarten through about 4th grade, they had this totally disturbing, anatomically correct puppet (lurid purple hair & fuzzy body aside) to teach us about sex/changing bodies/etc. Why a 6 year old needs to know about pubic hair is beyond me. All I know is my Muppet Babies dolls never looked the same again.

    1. I can honestly say I never thought about sex in elementary school. True story. I might have started being attracted to girls around the fourth grade, but that was surely not a sexual thing.

      1. Well, I remember in 1st grade, my friend thought if you got naked and kissed, you could have a baby. She wanted to test this theory in the playhouse, I didn’t, then we went to recess. Moral of the story is that puppet didn’t teach us shit, and my friend was probably a lesbian. NTTAWWT

        1. Yeah, it’s hard for me to think that kids have the conceptual framework to understand sex in the 1st grade.

    2. My friend’s parents gave him this book:

      http://www.amazon.com/Where-Di…..0818402539

      It is awesomely bad. The highlight is the illustration of the sperm wearing a top hat.

      1. Do libertarian sperm sport a top hat and monocle?

        1. Yes, they look like the top half of Mr.Peanut with his spinal cord hanging out.

  17. I was yelling at Diva about brushing her teeth this weekend (seriously – if I don’t monitor it every a.m and p.m, her teeth will be fuzzy inside a week) and I said her teeth would turn yellow, her breath would stink, and boys wouldn’t want to kiss her.

    She rolled her eyes and said “I’ve got until high school to worry about that, Mom.”

    I so wish that were true.

    She goes to an Episcopal school. They start taking Latin in third grade and there will be no condom demos in the classroom, of that I am certain.

    1. Diva,

      Great pet name. At least, I hope it is a pet name!

  18. I’m happy I have a daughter. Because that allows me to kill male teachers who engage in inappropriate conduct with impunity. This also includes her future boyfriends.

    Some teacher shoves a condom in my daughter’s face? There’s no review board. They won’t even find the body.

    1. Well, if you were a woman, that would be true. If you’re a man, the law on this kind of thing is your enemy at every turn.

      What I’m trying to say? Go ahead and fire up the kiln to dispose of the body, but get your wife to do the actual killing. If the law raises any question about it afterward, she can always claim the lecherous male teacher/boyfriend’s participation in patriarchal oppression drove her temporarily insane so that she just had to lash out at the cruel system that was oppressing her. As contemporary street wisdom says, “Women never go to jail.”

      About the only difficulty I can see for you with this strategy is if it happens to be a lesbian engaging in some of that inappropriate conduct…

  19. Is he wearing a full body condom?

  20. The graphic is ridiculous. Everyone knows that the real condomman is Roy Munson.

  21. Why does his superhero costume not have a reservoir on the top?

  22. I got in trouble when my seventh grade biology teacher (who looked remarkably like comedienne Jane Lynch) during the three week sex ed course described the penis as having the feel and texture of a sponge as she was doing a gripping hand job motion. I laugh my ass off and fail out of the seat.

    1. I laugh my ass off and fail out of the seat.

      My memory of that moment is so vivid it is still in the present tense for me, and I’m still in detention for it.

      1. and, uh, learning remedial English for that failed ‘fell’.

  23. Abstinence is so easy, I’ve done it for years at a time, even when I was trying not to.

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