Nanny State

Good News for Sexual Predators in the U.K.


how would you like to wake up with the king?

If you're a registered sex offender living in the U.K. town of Lewisham, you're in luck. The town council of this little Brit burg is considering instituting a "No Fry Zone" around its primary schools. That way, the chubby little primary schoolers will have to walk about a fifth of a mile to get a burger while on break. (Question: Do people really let their primary school students wander off campus unattended for a snack? If so, this is one area where the nanny state has failed to encroach on the U.K.)

Since sex offenders are also forbidden to live close to schools, one imagines a wonderful confluence of events where children wander just outside the forbidden fry zone and, happily, happen upon mustachioed strangers offering to buy them a burger and then give them a ride back to campus. In their unmarked, windowless vans. Everybody wins!

(Note: The law actually doesn't close down existing shops, so—for a variety of reasons—the Burger King King will probably not start abducting British tots. Yet.)

NEXT: Pot Smoking Is a Lower Lowest Priority in Seattle Than It Is in Denver

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  1. Is it Burger King King or simply Burger King?

    I can’t stand this stupid new king. The old cartoon one, now he had class.

    1. A king is not a burgher. A burgher lives in a burgh. The king lives in a castle. Maybe a white castle, but a castle nonetheless.

  2. You like getting nailed by the King?

  3. It is not the only stupid thing they do in the UK…..rison.html

    Munir Hussain: father who attacked intruder freed from prison

    Munir Hussain, a businessman jailed for seriously injuring an intruder, was released from jail today after having his sentence reduced [to one year, out of an original 30 months].

  4. Everybody wins!

    Wrong. I’m a Lewisham kid-fucker, but I’m not into fatties.

    I suppose I could really black out my van windows, or put my mustache up over my eyes, but then I might as well be banging old midgets.


  5. Those commercials creep me the fuck out. Him standing next to the bed just staring.

  6. Presumably, with it so far away, the little butterballs will have to hustle which amounts to exercise. That will outweigh the concerns for the fast-food/overweight connection. And…the child will certainly not even have time for a ‘quickie’ with a sex-offender since ‘curb-service’ is out of the question.

    Sounds to me like the Brits have thought this one through.

  7. What they’ve done here is classic nanny state corporatism.

    They’ve given the existing franchises a lock on the market, by outlawing any competition.

    Way to go, socialist do-gooders!

  8. I think we all know the likely response to this strange unintended consequence: ban sex offenders from living within 2 km of a fast-food restaurant.

  9. Even better: ban all mailing and internet sales (without labourious paperwork) of candy. Sex offenders are already banned from 2 km from a confectionery or store that sells them and must report all sugar purchased at grocers. Furthermore they are monitored for internet browsing on online bookstores for candy cookbooks to follow up on the ban of visiting bookstores where they might secretly browse such a cookbook.

    Am I leaving anything out?

    1. Am I leaving anything out?

      Ban on “Windowless Vans for Dummies”

  10. I foresee a big ole banhammer in somebody’s future.

    1. It would have been all right if it were about Lonewacko.

      1. Not enough of The Jacket imo

    2. More like a lawsuit and restraining order.

    3. Where is the anonymity bot with her/his/its ridiculous coments.

      Something along the lines of, “Dude, that is just wrong dude. Pretty sick there dude!”

      That said, I give the slashfic a D+.

      Unimaginative and predictable with no relevance to the topic at hand; however, the imagery is passable.

      The other stuff…YIKES! That fellow could seriously use some therapy and meds.

      I agree with you bb, destination banhammer city for the Bukkakinator.

  11. This is what they propose for kiddie stalkers in Alabama.

  12. The Bukkakinator is definitely getting better, but we’ve been spoiled by some pretty sick slashfic here. I give this attempt a C.

  13. Talk about devotion to your craft!

  14. I was going to make a joke about Burger King not being affected by a “no fry zone” since their burgers are flame broiled, but it seems kind of pointless after Bukkakinator’s post.

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