Media

Reason Writers Around Town: Nick Gillespie in The Wall Street Journal on The Phony Fears of The Coming Decade

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Writing in The Wall Street Journal, Nick Gillespie provides a roadmap to a decade filled with phoney fears and preposterous panics. A snippet:

What will be the great hysterical fears of the coming decade? By definition, such worries need to be simultaneously undocumentable and just plausible enough to convince politicians, celebrities, civic do-gooders, captains of industry and media types that our very society hangs in the balance.

For a classic example, think back to the 1980s, when Tipper Gore, the wife of then-Sen. Al Gore, helped form the Parents Music Resource Center and addressed the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation regarding the pressing topic of sexual, violent and occult imagery in pop music. As Mrs. Gore wrote in her best-selling (and now hard-to-find) 1987 book "Raising PG Kids in an X-Rated Society," "By using satanic symbols on the concert stage, and album covers, such as those used by Ozzy Osbourne…certain heavy metal bands lure teenagers into what one expert has called 'the cult of the eighties.' Many kids experiment with the deadly satanic game, and get hooked."

It is probably only thanks to the intervention of the Gores that we managed as a country to wrestle free both of Beelzebub's and Ronnie James Dio's bony grasp. Which, it's worth adding, might have been preferable to that of Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner.

For six (count 'em) fears, read the whole thing here. And then make your own list in the comments section.

NEXT: Believe It Or Not, They Have Found Another Way To Blame Poor People

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  1. I’d say the three biggest fake fears for the 2010s to avoid buying into would be:

    -climate “crisis”
    -the fear of insufficiently regulated markets (ie, that the banking industry isn’t regulated enough & we need to pass a whole mess of laws in order to “prevent” the next recession)
    -the fear of Sarah Palin

    1. I fear the Rouge much more than the first two. But then again, she’d probably just be another fucked-in-the-president; same old, same old, and we’d continue to try to muddle through the damages she’d bring just like we always do.

      1. uh, “fucked-in-the-head.”

        1. We would be equally fucked with another Dear Leader 2.0 term in office. Evil of two lessers strikes again, every four years.

          No… make that every TWO years.

  2. If only Tipper had warned of the cults into which our children can be lured via PowerPoint presentations.

    1. That explains how Tipper got those freakish cult children to sing the ‘Obama is our savior’ hymn.

      1. The same Tipper who railed against rock music lyrics a couple of decades ago? How hypocritical of her.

        1. Hypocrite is a badge they proudly display.

          1. Those are My Children, and they sing My Praises. They are the future, as I envision it. Live with it.

    2. It’s easier to lure children with PowerPoint than with Excel. Kids find spreadsheets boring, they need flashy graphics and “we’re doomed because mommy and daddy drive SUVs” messages set to Kids Bop-style tunes.

  3. 1. Gerbil lube shortage
    2. Illegal immigrants from Canada
    3. Something with kids…its always something about the children

    1. For the children’s sake and for their futures never attempt to insert unlubricated gerbils into an illegal immigrant from Canada.

      1. How fortuitous! We’ve just introduced GerbiLube CF, a special formula designed especially for Canadian insertion needs. Ask for it at your local sex shop!

        1. Is it available in Guinea Pig in the states? (those little gerbils get lost so easy)

          1. Yes, we have many specialized formulas for guinea pigs, ferrets, stoats, mice, baby rabbits, hatchling ducks, and Democrat Party members.

            1. We love your products, but are concerned you’re trying to corner the market.

            2. No Moose lube? My new people are S.O.L. it seems.

              1. We’re working on a new formula. Look for it soon at your favorite store!

            3. Also, let’s not forget – let’s not forget, Dude – that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city – that aint legal either.

        2. Haven’t seen a sex shop since I moved to Montana. It even seems possible these people don’t have sex. They’re secret Canadians you know.

          1. Look out your window. See those sheeps? There ya go.

            1. The sheep pounding slipped my mind. I stand corrected.

              Must remember, must remember. Montana = sheep sex. Idaho = spud feckers.

              So who keisters moose? Alaska?

              Welcome Bahhh-k to Montana!

        3. Canadians don’t need lube for gerbils we just don’t trim their nails So I guess only Americans and Mexicans need to grease their rodents… and of course the french

          1. Sorry, no offense intended. You know we love our neighbors to the north.

            ..anyways.. I was always under the impression you wrapped your rodents in back bacon prior to insertion.

            1. that’s actually against health code in los angeles…

          2. What do with the French. I’ve been all over Canada and was treated well by all, that is all but the French. Can you believe they were rude? Even treated me as if I was a foreigner.

            Are we not Americans? Mexicans are Americans. Americans are Americans. The majority of Canadians are even Americans.

            However, it would appear that the French Canadians think they are “special.” That super special kind of unique special, you know, like a third thumb.

            1. hahahaha

              1. Rude French people? Say it ain’t so!

            2. French Canadians are special ’cause we’re like, 5-10 years in advance of Americans. We’ve already got all the things Big O wants to bring to US : Free healthcare, free public schools, free daycare for kids, free public tv, free public radio, state controlled electricity, state controlled alcohol, and we’re also free of anoying people that know how to count and tell us how costly is all our free stuff ’cause they all moved to Alberta or someplace.

              Hell, we’re so fucking special we can even call ourselves French without even having to ever set a foot in France! That tells you how special we are! Now give me free stuff and speak french damn you!

              1. Fuck the French Canadians

    2. “3. Something with kids…its always something about the children”

      Obese junkfood addicts turning to theft and violence to maintain their sugar highs.

  4. we managed as a country to wrestle free both of Beelzebub’s and Ronnie James Dio’s bony grasp. Which, it’s worth adding, might have been preferable to that of Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner Larry Craig.

    That’s my fear, but not for any particular decade.

  5. 1. milk

    2. butter

    3. eggs

    4. freezepop

    5. stew beef

  6. enjoyed the piece Nick, but i do find Why Have the Kids Stopped Having Sex? to be unlikely in even this day and age.(especially the “prurient exposes”.) i agree w/ your logic, i just don’t expect that heavy a reaction… but i guess we’ll see.

  7. Nick- Come on! Predicting a peak oil scare. Do you expect the WSJ check to clear?

  8. The perils of social networking seems to be getting some recent play. Which is probably more bogus than the explosion of stupid acts to get on tv, which is already reality.

    1. i view it as a scheme to push/ build public support for tighter internet regulation. but i’m generally conspiratorial about most things…

      1. that’s probably bad usage. i view things generally as being conspiratorial in nature…

        1. Ransom147, relax we have no plan. Relax we have no plan. Relax we have no plan.

          1. oh. okay.

      2. Oh, you poor pitiful fools have no idea how much I intend to regulate the internet…

          1. I have pierced the veil beyond mere statism. You just wait and see what I have planned.

            1. We looooove you, Obama!!!

              1. You forgot to add:

                *flashes tits*

                1. Oh, HELL no.

                  1. Hey, y’all… I heard someone was flashin’ sweater puppies. ‘Sup with that?

  9. Terrorists! The USA loses it bowels over a few punk terrorists.
    40,000 die every year in auto accidents, and 12,000 in gun-homicides. But if one plane is unsuccessfully attacked, we poop in our pants.
    Let’s spend another $1 trillion or so fighting terrorists, with the most ossified lard we can construct–our federal government and it military and intelligence services.

    1. 40,000 die every year in auto accidents

      They had it coming.

      1. We all got it coming, kid.

      2. They shouldn’t be occupying cars if they didnt want to be attacked.

    2. Like when Japan killed 3,500 at Pearl Harbor, and that pussy FDR declared war and got even more Americans killed.

      1. Congress declared war, and there was a clear (if possibly difficult to attain) benchmark for victory — surrender by Japan. You’ll also note the US didn’t proceed to attack Thailand also because it was sort of near Japan and had rubber that we wanted.

        1. Actually, our first major offensive action after Pearl Harbor was to invade French North Africa….

          1. C’mon, that was a classic “hit ’em where they ain’t”.

          2. …which was occupied by Nazi Germany, which had declared war on us, and upon which we also declared war.

          3. Guadalcanal says “Hi.”

            Agreed that Operation Torch was a lot larger, however.

        2. Y’all know how I feel about the idea of victory, right? Hirohito coming down from the mountain to surrender, and all that?

    3. Yeah! We should spend trillions trying to make government The Universal Ointment! Cures everything… even death itself!

      /snark

      1. You think that’s funny? Death and taxes are the only two sure things in life and you want to take away death???

        1. Gotta keep people alive so they can fulfill Obama’s Prime Directive:

          You make it, I take it.

  10. My greatest fear in the coming decade is the return of Pauly Shore.

    (shudder)

    1. Maybe in a film with Will Farrell and Jim Carrey.

      1. Is John Saxon still alive? Maybe dig up Tor Johnson and reanimate his corpse?

      2. i hate jim caarrey. not sure why. just do…

        and why is it we need another @#$!ing “A Christmas Carrol” movie? Rand was interested in destroying Robin Hood. she shoulda took Dickens on too.

        1. but ii love voowels!

          1. Throw Bruce Campbell into any movie, and it’s instantly good.

            1. With all of the regular commentors being theologicians it is unnecessary for Reason to pay for an expert.

              1. damnable threaded comments are moving again.

            2. the whole thing? or just his hand?

            3. Someone hasn’t seen Bubba Hotep.

              1. Okay, that one slipped my mind… Bubba Ho-Tep is Bruce Campbell’s Star Trek V.

                1. Bruce Campbell is a god. That is all I have to say on the matter.

      3. Directed by Michael Bay of course.

    2. the return of Pauly Shore

      You missed it? He’s now called Joy Behar .

  11. Nicks concern “that some form of deadly yet cuddly mammal will be identified as near extinction even as its population is increasing” is of course well founded. So how about starting the decade off with sexy new twist like a contagious cancer spread through face biting.

    1. What makes Tasmania so special that it needs its own devil? Is Dio a servant of the Tasmanian devil as well as the regular devil? And where does the Superdevil of Family Guy fit into all this?

      1. does Reason have a religion reporter to help us out in these difficult times?

        1. With all of the regular commentors being theologicians it is unnecessary for Reason to pay for an expert.

        2. Religon is Ron Bailey’s beat.

          1. HAHAHA!

      1. Then there’s this

      2. Well look who decided to crawl out from under his rock.

        1. Your whining is less manly than even Tony’s mangina.

          1. I told you that I was hermaphrodite in secret! You said you wouldn’t tell!

            1. Cartman, your mom is a hermaphrolite!

    1. Funny that he should have actually been in a band called Rainbow – he can’t stop referencing them in his lyrics.

      Wishing Well. “Then think of a rainbow, and I’ll make it come real…”
      The Sign of the Southern Cross. “On a small world, west of wonder somewhere, nowhere all – There’s a rainbow that will shimmer…”

      1. Rainbow in the Dark.
        Breathless. “Living inside your mind who knows the things you’ll find there could be hell or rainbows…”

        1. Evil Eyes. “Oh do you ever think about the way I caught the rainbow…”
          Egypt (The Chains Are On). “They were frightening in the darkness they had rainbows in their eyes…”

        2. There’s also Sacred Heart. Fucking dildo spam filter.

  12. Sock Puppets!!

  13. “Many kids experiment with the deadly satanic game, and get hooked.”

    Hey!

  14. My fear for the ’10s is a little more realistic, I think, given the band of idiots we’ve had in Washington, DC for the past decade: Collapse of the dollar and suffocation of our private sector under a thick layer of dirigisme masked as “regulation.”

    The US is not immune to the stupidity of our rulers.

    1. ..nor to the stupidity of our voters. Who somewhere along the way forgot we were to elect individuals to be our representatives in government and started selecting rulers. Our Royal Highnesses in keeping with “the ideals of our founders” as her Majesty Pelosi would say.

      Thank Bog some one is brilliant, the rest of us are so dull witted we didn’t even realize we had been founded.

      1. Y’damn skippy We are your Royal Highnesses, Ratko.

        Now, bow down before Me.

        1. Having considered your generous offer, I respectfully decline.

          Better a grave than a slave.

          1. He said BOW, dirtbag!

      2. I think you have a point here: Our politicians are stupid, greedy, venal and shallow…products of a representative democracy.

        1. I don’t fit any of those descriptions, Jeffersonian. For I am The Perfect Man.

  15. Prediction 1: As the climate aspect of CO2 panic becomes increasingly ludicrous, it will all be shifted to ocean acidification.

    Prediction 2: A government crackdown on social networking will create more libertarians than 20 years of Reason back issues. (Sorry guys, not trying to be mean.)

    Prediction 3: The ever increasing security theater of the TSA will result in an brisk and lively trade of millimeter wave celebrity and kiddie porn over the internet.

    1. Prediction 4: NutraSweet will go into a diabetic coma and list several predictions that will, amazingly, come true. However, he won’t remember making those predictions and will be completely surprised when they come true.

      1. I remember all. Especially all your slights against me.

        My revenge will shake the world.

        1. “I will ruin this house with my anger!”

          1. “Who wants to get sexy with the captain?”

            1. “I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!… Well, go on, start ruing!”

              1. That’s MY line!

    2. The ocean acidification angle is already beginning to resurface. These people behind this idiocracy remind me of those people with a half dozen or so brat kids that all run off in different directions and start tearing things up knowing the parents will only try to stop them until they become overwhelmed and just give up.

      It’s always a bad thing when religion enters politics, as it is when politics enters science.

      But it can’t get any uglier than when cult religion teams up with pseudo-science for a menage a trios with government. Judging from history, any time that happens the people would be well advised to brace themselves and prepare to be on the recieving “M” end of some hard core non-consensual S&M from their rulers.

      1. Ratko, where the hell do you live that people have six+ children? In a sect? Flashback to your own childhood?

    3. You can’t see facial features in mm-wave scans, so celebrity scans would be impossible to verify. That scan labeled as Scarlett Johannson’s could very easily just be that of your neighborhood chain-smoking Walmart customer service desk attendant who reeks of compost but happens to have a similar body structure to Ms Johansson’s.

      1. wow, you been reading my mind? dream-girl!

        1. Damn, ransom147 saw her first.

          1. she ran off w/ an insurance salesman from Toledo… i told her he only wanted her for her “discount”. but she just would not listen.

      2. Hey… I did that chick!

      3. MM wave scans have the facial features obscured by “an algorithm.” The genitals for everyone and the breasts of women were originally obscured by it as well. And ten years is a long time for the technology to get better.

        As a side-note… I wonder who much dirty underwear gets stolen from luggage a year.

        1. There’s also the fact that the screen on which the scan appears is located in a different room from the scanner. So the person viewing the scan can’t see who was scanned, and the people who see the person being scanned can’t see the scan.

    4. “Prediction 1: As the climate aspect of CO2 panic becomes increasingly ludicrous, it will all be shifted to ocean acidification.”

      Right after we need to change our evil ways to save the unicorns.

      1. Just Sayin’, I thought you were going to save public healthcare first?

        1. It is a catch-22. Ground up unicorn horns can be used to solve any helath issue – even trolls like rather crazy that Libertarian.

        2. Ms Troll (rtcl, rather crazy that Libertarian, the real rtcl, etc.) – you have returned. You’d make Douglas MacArthur proud.

          1. Just sayin’, I was perfectly willing to play yesterday night but I am dueling with someone has we speak. I am flattered that you checked twice for a reply but shit, it took you two days. Btw, I never left but I don’t think you are clever enough to find me!

            1. The troll has thrown down the gauntlet.

              1. I gave you a clue.

                1. I didn’t know you had any to spare.

                  1. Just sayin’, don’t need a clue – just need my talking points and attack lines.

            2. The cat’s in view comin’ after you Holy Diver.

              Get away, get away, get away. Holy Diver.

              1. don’t need a clue? Or couldn’t find it?

                RJD,
                You’re NOT the star of the masquerade
                No need to BE so afraid

                1. It appears you don’t have one to offer.

                  1. Just Sayin’, you remind me of this: You tube without a clue-part 1!

                    1. You win. I can’t come up with anything that stupid. Troll 1, Just Sayin’ 0.

                    2. I can’t come up with anything that stupid.:”What’s the cost of malpractice insurance in India?”

                    3. That is stupid?

                      Comparing the cost of heath care between the US and India should involve a discussion of the components that make up those costs. If you believe that is stupid, then you can’t tell me what the cost of malpractice insurance is in India and you are not helpful.

                      I still don’t know how “You tube without a clue-part 1!” has anything to do with anything being discussed on this site.

                      But thanks for playing our game. Don Pardo – what do we have for our contestants?

                    4. You tube without a clue-part 1! get it – no clue?

                    5. Just Sayin’,the clock ran out on the last game. “someone has we speak”. Now guess how many times you have responded to some of my other posts?

                    6. “someone has we speak”? Not we make sense.

                    7. Dueling with no clue liberal

                    8. Next time ask your mommy for help.

                    9. She wouldn’t be able to find anything intelligent in what you say either.

                      “Not we make sense” indeed.

                    10. What powers a troll?

                      http://www.amazon.com/Minn-Kot…..B001CHCSMS

                    11. Oh, Trolly Diver!

                    12. Ronnie James DIO, cluck off and play somewhere else. Unless you care to post under your regular name. Cluck… cluck… cluck…

                    13. Cluck… cluck… cluck…

                    14. Holy Diver
                      You’ve been down too long in the midnight sea
                      Oh what’s becoming of me

                      Ride the tiger
                      You can see his stripes but you know he’s clean
                      Oh don’t you see what I mean

                      Gotta get away
                      Holy Diver

                      Shiny diamonds
                      Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
                      Something is coming for you

                      Race for the morning
                      You can hide in the sun ’till you see the light
                      Oh we will pray it’s all right

                      Gotta get away-get away

                      Between the velvet lies
                      There’s a truth that’s hard as steel
                      The vision never dies
                      Life’s a never ending wheel

                      Holy Diver
                      You’re the star of the masquerade
                      No need to look so afraid

                      Jump on the tiger
                      You can feel his heart but you know he’s mean
                      Some light can never be seen

                    15. RCTL, troll off and play somewhere else. Unless you care to post under your regular name. Troll… troll… troll…

                    16. someone has we speak?

                    17. RCTL: I employ trolls in my stage show. Want a job? Oh – wrong kind of troll. Get away, get away, get away!

                    18. Ronnie James DIO, I employ cowards to cut my lawn. Can’t give you the job cause a chicken would take too long/shit too much.

                    19. Ronnie James DIO, sorry you can’t figure out the clues either but then Dog Eat Dog: Play Games are the lyrics you need to read.

                    20. Holy wasted typing!

                      The troll has returned with more worthless comments. I see you have a new nemesis or two.

                      Troll keepa typing all night long…

                    21. Trolling is my business and business is good.

                    22. Nemesis? I call them my fan club.”the real RCTL” below is one of my favorite little clones.

                    23. Go RCTL! Fight RCTL! Win RCTL!

                    24. Duties of fan club members:
                      A)Full fledge members must toy with the same libertarian on two different threads.
                      B)Use word play.
                      C)$19.95 one-year membership

                    25. D) $5 off for members of Trolls Disturbing America (1st year only)
                      E) Weekly e-mailed talking points and nonsense for posting to comment sections of blogs
                      F) 4 BJs a year (2 if facialed, 1 if swallowed – if Peter North, 1 facial only per year)

                    26. rather crazy that Libertarian light,

                      Your membership has been rejected on the basis of lack of gamesmanship/section F of your application. Unfortunately, the fact that you have sex 4 times a year does not allow you to participate in our club.

                      Best of luck.

                    27. Ahhhh, ahhh, ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

                    28. Wipe it off your eyebrow rather crazy that Libertarian. Oh – you have some in your hair too.

                    29. RCTL jr, did you get into trouble for viewing the VOTD clip? Tell them you were looking for your mommy.

                    30. There is supposedly a video of you humming my member. Be advised my lawyer will be contacting you for my performance fee.

    5. http://arjournals.annualreview…..908.163834

      Rising atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2), primarily from human fossil fuel combustion, reduces ocean pH and causes wholesale shifts in seawater carbonate chemistry. The process of ocean acidification is well documented in field data, and the rate will accelerate over this century unless future CO2 emissions are curbed dramatically. Acidification alters seawater chemical speciation and biogeochemical cycles of many elements and compounds. One well-known effect is the lowering of calcium carbonate saturation states, which impacts shell-forming marine organisms from plankton to benthic molluscs, echinoderms, and corals. Many calcifying species exhibit reduced calcification and growth rates in laboratory experiments under high-CO2 conditions. Ocean acidification also causes an increase in carbon fixation rates in some photosynthetic organisms (both calcifying and noncalcifying). The potential for marine organisms to adapt to increasing CO2 and broader implications for ocean ecosystems are not well known; both are high priorities for future research. Although ocean pH has varied in the geological past, paleo-events may be only imperfect analogs to current conditions.

  16. I’ll be issuing My Phony Fears on a regular basis. Stay tuned for further details.

    1. phony or phoney?

      1. I spell it any way I like, peasant… and you will never speak to Me in such an impudent tone, once I shitcan the First Amendment.

        1. apparently either one is good ’round here…

          1. You’re speaking to President Jesus H. Christ, try to show a little more respect.

            1. Er I’ll break yer fuckin’ kneecaps. Got it?

      2. I don’t fully trust a man that only knows one way to spell a word.

  17. who knew drugfree dot org had dating profiles?

  18. 1) Peak oil will be seen as a solution to global warming.
    2) It will be discovered that the concentration of the sun’s rays for power generation results in cancer clusters within 285 mile radius of the mirror fields.
    3)Wind farms alter airflow in such a way that they result in super hurricanes occuring year round.
    4)Sarah Palin will become the first female POTUS. She will be impeached when the video surfaces of her and Meghan McCain in several compromising positions.
    5)NASA will send a manned mission to the moon where a studio soundstage will be discovered that was used in the filming of the movie Apocolypse Now
    6)SugarFree will come out publicly as the author of the Twilight series of books writing under the name Stephanie Meyer.

    1. ben, get real. If #4 happened, nearly all the hetero men in this country would be far too pre-occupied to initiate impeachment proceedings.

    2. @brotherben

      Close – the movie set on the moon was for the movie Platoon.

    3. Slurp! Slurp!

    4. brotherben will continue living on the dole.

    5. Me write a series of novels that never contains the words “chucknibbling cuntscrubber”? Unpossible.

      1. Be quiet and get back to writing more vampire love stories for me to masturbate to, you fuckscribbling scrotumfryer.

        1. Shut the fuck up, Warty.

        2. Good news! We have just introduced our new ScrotumFry formula, compatible with all food restaurant and home frying needs. Ask for it at your local grocer!

  19. 1. 2015 Jim Heath dies of a heart attack in a shitty hotel off the freeway in Little Rock. Outraged Texans, finally having it “up to here” with Arkansas, will amass Nat Guard units on the border. Unfortunately, Pres. Obama will try to mediate a peace by sitting down to talks w/ TX Governer Ray W Hubbard and Arkansas Lt. Gov Napolitano. (After being laughed out of D.C.; she will have found the residents of AZ will no longer tolerate her, so she’ll move to another “A” state and fuck it up too.) Anyway, Obama will fail miserably and make a speech indicating his desire to be “perfectly clear” about something, nobody will be quite sure what though. Outraged Texans will attack, and WWIII will ensue. The whole earth will die in 2016.

    1. Don’t mess with Texas.

  20. I predict a fear of stupidity.

    1. “glass half full” kinda guy.

  21. I’d like to go ahead and just proclaim the next decade, worst decade evah.

  22. Tasmanian Devil cells have 14 chromosomes, while the tumour cells contain 13. DFTD cells have karyotype anomalies similar to those of cancer cells from canine transmissible venereal tumour (CTVT), a cancer of dogs that is transmitted between canines by physical contact. Using cultures of the cancerous tissue to study the condition, researchers have identified the cancer as a neuroendocrine tumour, and all the cancer cells have identical chromosomal rearrangements. A virus was initially thought to be the cause of DFTD, but no evidence of such a virus could be detected in the cancer cells. Environmental toxins had also been suspected.

    Ultimately the idea that cancer cells themselves are an infective agent (the Allograft Theory) turned out to be correct, with transmission of the disease occurring by biting, feeding on the same material, and aggressive mating (rough sexual intercourse). Final confirmation of this came when researcher Anne-Maree Pearse and colleagues found an infected animal that had a chromosomal abnormality in its non-tumorous cells that did not appear in its tumour cells, proving that the tumour cells could not have descended from the animal’s own cells. Pearse believes that this may prove vital to the survival of the devils. Since June 2005, three females have been found that are partially resistant to DFTD.

    Further research from the University of Sydney has shown that the infectious facial cancer may be able to spread because of increasingly low genetic diversity in devil immune genes (MHC class I and II). The same genes are also found in the tumours, so the devil’s immune system does not recognise the tumour cells as foreign. There are at least nine strains of the cancer, showing that it is evolving, and may become more virulent. The strains may also complicate attempts to develop a vaccine, and the mutation of the cancer may mean that it could spread to other related species, like the quoll.


    1. like the quoll.

      i hope it gets the “troll”. see ya chad! fuckers!

    2. From Gillespie’s article:

      For instance, it is unimaginable that we’ll go 10 full years without a White House Conference on the Coarsening of Culture, that some form of deadly yet cuddly mammal will be identified as near extinction even as its population is increasing,

      I think we have a candidate…

      1. What about the increasing Satanic influence caused by the increase in the Devils.

  23. Can you please add fathers to the list of fears for the next decade

    I just saw an add with Big O giving advice on fatherhood.

    WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

    1. I *am* Your Father. The New Father of America. Damn right, childlike bitches.

  24. The Death of Music.
    After the internet renders all forms of creative expression unprofitable, the pundits will fear that nobody will ever bother to play an instrument or write a new song. Instead, everyone will just play Rock Band all the time.

    1. Considering the amount of crap that is recorded and pushed out over the airwaves and inter-tubez, that might not be such a bad thing.

      Does this opinion officially make me a curmudgeon?

    2. Rock will never die. It’s the path of least resistance for non-rich guys unable to play sports to get laid. Not all economically rational decisions involve cold hard cash.

      1. The subsequent shortage of chick banging guys who are in bands will cause a dramatic fall in the birth rate, raising fears of a shrinking population ala Europe.

        1. Dig this:

          http://www.theonion.com/conten…..t_fellated

          NSFW.

  25. Be a good father you evil bastards!!1!!

    Don’t make us come teach you how to be a good dad. Don’t make us.

      1. Yeah, like when my Dad made me wash my mouth out with soap.

        Lotta fucking good that did.

        1. I told him to use Lifebuoy! 😉

        2. My dad washed my mouth out with soup.

    1. *I* am Your Father now.

  26. Here’s one for you to debate – the death of Moore’s Law.

  27. CW would have it that he declining economy would show a rise in violent and property crimes, but the preliminary)numbers from DOJ don’t bear this out…
    Further evidence from Vermont also challenges this notion.

    http://www.timesargus.com/arti…..003/NEWS02

    Turns out, the murder roll for the “Freedom and Unity” state consists of 3 stabbings and 1 hammering. (2 more are still up in the air…)

  28. HOLY DIVER
    YOU’VE BEEN DOWN TOO LONG IN THE MIDNIGHT SEA
    OHHHHHHH WHAT’S BECOMING OF MEEEEE

  29. “Prescription Drug Abuse”

    I know it is already a scare/moral panic as the PSAs inform us that your children can develop a major narcotic habit off all the stray oxy,demerol and dilaudid just laying around the average home. The real scare and CRACKDOWN is going to come from the government “healthcare” when they finally get all the data online and share it with all physicians and law enforcement. You’ll be lucky to score a dozen Tylenol-3s to get you through your last year of terminal cancer.

    1. Yeah, it’s prudent to put your unused codeine in the safe with your assault rifles.

      1. Send lawyers, guns and money…

  30. I fear the Warty is going to stop loving me because I am unemployed.

    1. Sorry. The the was not intentional. So, Sugarfree, I don’t wanna hear any shit about Freudien slips.

      1. I dunno. The the works. Go with it.

    2. “The Warty” makes sense to me. Isn’t there just the one?

    3. Your inexplicable mistake pleases me, fool.

  31. So is a Holy Diver someone who goes muff diving on nuns?

      1. But that would have made for a much better video.

  32. In Napa Valley, it’s the “glassy winged sharpshooter” that’s the current panic.
    What’s more is that the tasting rooms are becoming conscious of fruit flies. Surprise! They can end up being in the poured sample! Unless you sorta make sure they don’t.
    I’m sure both will hit the national news soon.

    1. What’s the big deal? They’re small and have lots of protein. Take your glasses off and you won’t even see them.

  33. Global cooling.
    Acid rain.
    Soil erosion.
    Global Warming.
    Climate Change.
    Militias.
    Hate Groups.
    Media consolidation.
    Lack of proper governmental oversight.
    Cigarettes containing tobacco or marijuana.

  34. Yes, you are officially a curmudgeon — now get off your lawn !

  35. When the government begins to really jones for some new tax revenue, they are going to make yet another run at sales tax on the internet.

    They will make noises about how with move to online shopping the revenue from the bricks and mortar stores is dropping and it is only fair that e-commerce sites start chipping in.

    Further alarm will spread when revenues actually collected fall well short of projections and when server farms begin popping up in Caribbean islands to escape US tax jurisdictions.

  36. There’s one fear which never, (ever!) goes away: the fear that someone, somewhere, is having a good time.

    1. :::shudders::: the bastards!

  37. They’ll take away my good time when they pry it from my cold, dead hand!

  38. 1) excessive regulation in the financial sector
    2) socialism
    3) police state
    4) health care rationing
    5) the death of our economy due to new energy policies

    1. Is it really prognostication if you just predict the plainfully obvious?

      1. These are fake fears, remember.

        1. That was my first thought when I read your list. That you misunderstood the premise. You were being snarky at the expense of the locals. I think I get it now. Maybe not? I guess I am a bit duller than usual this lovely morning.

        2. Those aren’t fake. They’re our future as envisioned by Dear Leader 2.0 according to His Holy Word.

    2. Figured it was only a matter of time before one of the lefty trolls did this. I would have predicted Morris or Chad, but this works too.

      1. =/(;^p)

    3. I’m working as fast as I can, New Mejican. These things take time.

  39. supplementary fake fears

    a) the fed
    b) Obama
    c) unions
    d) the cabal of scientists with a political agenda

    1. A criterion for these fears is that they’re widespread among the population, but your selections mostly fail that criterion. Heck, the average guy on the street is not going to even know what the Federal Reserve is. The more perceptive ones might think it’s where they make dollar bills, which of course isn’t completely off base.

      1. Duh! The federal reserve is where they keep all the gold that backs our dollars. It is located at Fort Knox.

      2. A criterion for these fears is that they’re widespread among the population

        Nah, they only need to be wide-spread within a particular segment of the population. The majority never feared heavy metal, or Miami Vice, or Communism…

        Phony fears, it seems to me, are primarily the result of seeing the worst case as the most likely case. Most outcomes are actually dominated by moderate to mild effects of multiple, perhaps counter-acting, influences.

  40. of course, there’s also the environmentalists…must fear the environmentalists.

  41. One man’s phobia is another man’s wishful thinking.

  42. the cabal of scientists with a political agenda

    Fluoridation!!!

  43. “A market needed no longer be run by the Invisible Hand, but now could create itself?its own logic, momentum, style, from inside. Putting the control inside was ratifying what de facto had happened?that you had dispensed with God. But you had taken on a greater, and more harmful, illusion. The illusion of control. That A could do B. But that was false. Completely. No one can do. Things only happen, A and B are unreal, are names for parts that ought to be inseparable?” ?Gravity’s Rainbow

    1. I like that book, but I thought the whole point of the book was to illustrate the circular notion of all processes: life, inertia, but most of all masturbation both mental and physical.

      1. That’s a good take on it.
        To me, however, I always saw it as more of a “what goes up must come down thing.”

  44. One man’s phobia is another man’s wishful thinking. fantasy.

    I like that better.

    1. How about.

      We all fear another man’s fantasy.

      1. Many fears can be either rational or irrational. To a certain extent, it makes sense to fear death. This fear could keep you alive. But an excessively morbid preoccupation with death is irrational, after all death is inevitable.

        To my mind, it makes sense to fear wasting one’s life, to miss too many opportunities, to treat others poorly. But this fear can become irrational if it prevents productive human functioning.

        I don’t fear the fantasies of the mad. If some crazy motherfucker is going to kill me, I’ll probably never see it coming. I fear the fantasies of outwardly “sane” politicians.

  45. Proverbs for Paranoids, 3: If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about answers.

    Paranoids are not paranoids (Proverb 5) because they’re paranoid, but because they keep putting themselves, fucking idiots, deliberately into paranoid situations.

  46. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

  47. 1. Things that get you high
    2. Some new technological development that is inevitably corrupting our children
    3. A thing that was previously considered safe is now considered extremely dangerous even though there are no recorded incidents of harm
    4. The media will find a subculture to hype up as destroying our society and youth etc.

    Same old, same old.

  48. Congress.

  49. I would say the fear that your penis is smaller than everyone else’s, but that one haunts every decade.

  50. As a side-note… I wonder [how] much dirty underwear gets stolen from luggage a year.

    NY JFK: 35 pairs
    DC Reagan: 61 pairs
    Paris Orly: 74 pairs
    Tokyo Narita: 18,296 pairs.

  51. The WSJ comments border on the unhinged, all with their own special angle on unhinge-itude.

  52. 1. Climate change is starting to replace global warming, this is to ensure any change in weather to be blamed on man made causes.

    2. owners of gold and gold buying killing the dollar, 😉

    3. al queda operating in another country, yemen looks like a front runner, but its to early to tell, this off course will lead to some military action.

  53. Up your ass with Mobil gas – happy motoring!

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