Conspiracy Theories

The President's War on Christmas

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Will of The League of Ordinary Gentleman nominates this as the best conspiracy theory ever, and he may well be right. From the Memphis Commerical Appeal:

In the opinion of Arlington [Tennessee] Mayor Russell Wiseman, President Barack Obama's speech on Tuesday night on the war in Afghanistan was deliberately timed to block the Christian message of the "Peanuts" television Christmas special.

Wiseman made the statements on his Facebook page, where he declared Obama to be a Muslim.

The report also notes that A Charlie Brown Christmas "has become an endearing program for many because of its emphasis on the 'real meaning of Christmas.'" In Mayor Wiseman's honor, I'll reach into the archives and pull out my reminder that the Peanuts special takes on a different tone when you pair it with its follow-up:

Ten months after A Charlie Brown Christmas first aired, [Linus] returned to America's TV screens in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, a special that undermines its predecessor more thoroughly than any sequel this side of the Alexandria Quartet. Where the first film is a testament to religious faith, the second is all about doubt, as Linus waits patiently for a supernatural being that everyone in the audience knows will never come. While his pals happily celebrate a proudly pagan holiday, Linus haplessly attempts to preach the true meaning of Halloween. Only one friend is briefly convinced, and even she is essentially motivated by lust and greed.

For a moment, despite everything, the Great Pumpkin seems to appear. It turns out to be the neighborhood beagle, himself suffering from the delusion that he's a World War I flying ace. Ho ho ho.

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  1. A Charlie Brown Christmasgate?

  2. As an atheist, libertarian, left-handed skeptic, I find that entire to story to be one the most delightful cases of irony I’ve read about in some time. Thanks Jesse for that bit of Monday mourning joy.

  3. Please, no more Alexandria Quartet references, Jesse. You’re beginning to sound like a broken record, not that I would know what that would sound like.

  4. Now, Cthulhu is real and I await the old ones return.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOHJUrcVdJk

    1. That was actually very very clever

    2. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  5. Actually, the more of a dualist you are, the more you find faith inescapably necessary, the more you relate to the Great Pumpkin story and its question: if there is truth beyond the physical, how would we know if we found it?

    Linus searching, struggling, but committed to seek the truth – even if wrong in that night in the pumpkin patch – is far more endearing and inspiring than Linus’ on stage confidence in the Christmas special.

  6. Please, no more Alexandria Quartet references, Jesse. You’re beginning to sound like a broken record, not that I would know what that would sound like.

    Apparently not. I’m pretty sure that’s the only Alexandria Quartet reference I’ve ever made.

    1. Jesse, you wouldn’t know irony if it hit you in the nuts with brass knuckles.

      1. Wouldn’t it use IRON knuckles? Haw haw haw.

        1. “Haw haw haw.” Has someone been reading Jack T. Chick comic books?

  7. I really think this is one of the most overblown stories I’m ever seen in my life, and between the Bush and Obama administration, we’ve seen a lot of overblown stories. Someone Tennessee mayor didn’t like it? Who the hell cares? Why do people keep reporting this? No one freaking cares. The social conservatives largely don’t care, and they’re the only ones that might possibly give a damn. Sure, a few of them might play politics, but if you go to their sites, the only ones that are complaining are the ones who will complain about anything Obama does, and even then they’re short posts, not extremely long conspiracy theory posts.

  8. Why do people keep reporting this?

    Because it’s funny.

  9. So, when will the Peanuts special actually air?

    1. Tomorrow night, assuming Obama doesn’t preempt it again.

      Another reason why DVRs are a godsend. Just tell it the title of the show and set it to record at anytime on any day. You can’t miss it.

  10. Why do people keep reporting this?

    Because it makes obvious Obama’s disdain and loathing for poor people. Everybody who matters has a Tivo, and can record Charlie Brown for later viewing.

  11. Found it. Tomorrow, Dec 8 at 8pm, and then again on the 15th at 8pm.

    If you want to add to the conspiracy, note that Christmas at the White House: An Oprah Primetime Special is airing on Sunday the 13th, at 10pm Eastern. That’s pretty late at night, and on a Sunday when primetime starts even earlier.

  12. I will never view the Great Pumpkin in the same light again.

  13. I hope Jesus doesn’t come back in the next three year. Obama would probably have him killed. Fuckin Jew. Muslim, whatever.

  14. A key rule of politics: No matter how crazy you are, you can always find someone crazier, if you look hard enough. If you’re prominent i politics, some of these crazier-than-you people will criticize you, and the thing to do is to publicize the criticisms, no matter how obscure and non-representative the critic may be. The implied message: ‘Look at the weird things my opponents are saying – I *must* be an OK guy to attract that sort of criticism!’

    Of course, you don’t want the crazy people who *support* you to get a lot of play in the media. Fortunately, Obama doesn’t have that problem, because none of his political sponsors, longtime associates, or friends have any crazy or eccentric ideas, so there’s no way he can be attacked on this point.

    1. You’re right. I thought my local Libertarian Party chapter beat all for crazy until I met some folks from the local Green Party.

    2. Obama doesn’t have that problem, because none of his political sponsors, longtime associates, or friends have any crazy or eccentric ideas …

      Uh… your premise is faulty.

      1. I think your sarcasm detector is faulty.

        1. I forgot my ? symbol again.

          1. Not your fault, Bill’s sarcasm detector is clearly non-op.

  15. Christmas is CHristmas dude and it always will be. I mean really!

    RT
    http://www.be-anonymous.bg.tc

  16. Ah, but you’re forgetting “It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown.” Where Linus’ belief is confirmed.

  17. Your reading of It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is clever, but a little too clever. No, the stories do not contradict each other. They compliment each other quite nicely.

    The Christmas special has an explicitly Christian message. The Halloween special has Linus waiting for an unambiguously pagan god and being disappointed.

    So there is nothing in the Halloween special that would upset the Christian type who loves the earlier Christmas special.

    Granted, this doesn’t explain why Linus is the key figure in both stories — he is the one who recites the gospel from memory in the Christmas special. Perhaps Linus is being punished in the Halloween special for accepting pagan beliefs?

    1. At Christmas, Linus recognized that all that mattered was the coming of Christ the Lord, a birthday party of sorts. But when Halloween rolled around, mass quantities of candy was his motivation for waiting for the great pagan squash that left him wanting. Greed does often beset the faithful because waiting for the afterlife (the payoff, if you will) sucks ass.

  18. or maybe it’s a story of one believer celebrating the real meaning of a holyday while everyone else is chasing the commercialized rituals that have been built around it. A parable about Christmas and santa the claus.

    Oh, and that mayor would make Jesse Ventura proud.

    1. At least he has a job.

  19. “While his pals happily celebrate a proudly pagan holiday”

    Halloween is NOT a pagan holiday.

    1. Halloween is NOT a pagan holiday.

      All Hallows Day is not a pagan holiday. All Hallows Eve is a secular celebration rooted in ancient pagan festivals. Some Christians put their own gloss on it, and that’s fine, but historically the only real Christian connection is the proximity embedded in its name.

      1. But who the hell even celebrates Halloween for its “real” reason(s) anymore? Besides antisocial wanna-be Satanists behind the high school gym, anyway.

      2. “All Hallows Eve is a secular celebration rooted in ancient pagan festivals.”

        So are Christmas and Easter.

        1. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The winter solstice and the vernal equinox may just be natural occasions for humans to party under whatever spiritual rationale.

          1. The winter solstice and the vernal equinox may just be natural occasions for humans to party under whatever spiritual rationale.

            They are. But in the case of Halloween, unlike Christmas and Easter, the pre-Christian traditions are still essentially unaltered by Christian traditions, save only for the eytmology of the word “Halloween” itself.

  20. Go Palin/Wiseman 2012! http://www.sarahpalinrussellwiseman2012.com Sarah Palin and Russell Wiseman are saving America and bringing it back to the people!

  21. Great article, but for the record Sally was NOT motivated by lust. She threatened Linus with violence in the pumpkin patch if he tried anything sneaky.

  22. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

    …Part Duex

    2009

    EVERY WHO DOWN IN WHOVILLE LIKED CHRISTMAS A LOT,

    BUT THE GRINCH, WHO LIVED JUST NORTH OF WHOVILLE, DID NOT.

    THE GRINCH HATED CHRISTMAS THE WHOLE CHRISTMAS SEASON

    NO ONE KNOWS WHY, NO ONE KNOWS QUITE THE REASON.

    IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT THE GRINCH WAS JEW,

    BUT HE WASN’T THE GRINCH SIMPLY HATED EACH WHO.

    HE HATED THEM ALL SINCE THEY ALL SEEMED SO HAPPY

    AND THE GRINCH’S POOR LIFE WAS COMPARATIVELY CRAPPY.

    THE GRINCH WAS AN ATHIEST, GAY, AND A COMMIE

    (SOMETHING HE’D LEARNED FROM HIS DAD AND HIS MOMMIE).

    HE DIDN’T MIND WINTER SOLSTICE OR KWANZAA

    BUT THE “CHRIST” NAME IN CHRISTMAS DROVE THAT GRUMPY GRINCH GONZA.

    BECAUSE JESUS TAUGHT LOVE, GOODNESS, MORALS, AND SUCH

    THINGS THAT THE GRINCH DIDN’T PRACTICE THAT MUCH.

    BUT YOU KNOW THAT OLD GRINCH WAS SO SMOOTH AND SO SLICK

    THAT HE THOUGHT UP A PLAN AND HE THOUGHT IT UP QUICK.

    THIS YEAR NO SANTA SUIT, NO TASTY ROAST BEAST

    NO TRUSTY DOG MAX OR CRASHING THE FEAST

    NO MORE BROODING IN SILENCE, NO CINDY LOU WHO

    NO?. THIS YEAR THE GRINCH WOULD CALL the ACLU .

    SO THE GRINCH GRABBED HIS CELL PHONE, HE GOT ON THE HORN

    AND CALLED ON THE MOST VILE LAWYERS E’ER BORN.

    ATTORNEYS AMORAL, AGGRESSIVE AND MEAN

    WHO WORK IN THE WHOLE “HATE AMERICA” SCENE.

    AND YES ALL THESE LAWYERS WERE ALL CLOSET COMMIES

    (SOMETHING THEY’D LEARNED FROM THEIR DADDIES AND MOMMIES).

    AND THOUGH THEY WERE BAD FROM SHOELACES TO FACES

    THEY’D ALL BECOME RICH ON A CONTINGENCY BASIS.

    THEN HE CALLED MICHAEL NEWDOW, WHO REALLY HATES GOD

    AND SOME MUSLIM LAWYER NAMED TAWFIQ HADAD.

    WITH HIS DEVILS IN PLACE AND READY TO SUE

    THE GRINCH NOW WAS READY TO SCREW EVERY WHO

    ALL THE WINDOWS WERE DARK, QUIET SNOW FILLED THE AIR

    ALL THE WHOS WERE ALL DREAMING SWEET DREAMS WITHOUT CARE.

    WHEN HE CAME TO THE BRIGHT LIGHTS RIGHT THERE ON THE SQUARE.

    THE GRINCH SAID, “THIS BANNER SIMPLY MUST GO

    IT SAYS ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS’ IT CLEARLY SAYS SO.

    I DON’T BELIEVE IN THIS JESUS CHRIST FELLOW.”

    THEN THE ACLU GUYS ALL STARTED TO BELLOW,

    “THIS BANNER’S ILLEGAL, INTOLERANT, INTRUSIVE.

    THE WHOS MUST REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING INCLUSIVE.”

    SO THE BANNER CAME DOWN AND THE WHOS HAD SOME MEETINGS

    AND PUT UP A NEW ONE THAT SAID “SEASONS GREETINGS.”

    WITH THE BANNER NOW HISTORY, THE GRINCH STARTED ON

    THE SWEET MANGER SCENE ON THE CITY HALL LAWN.

    THE ACLU GUYS SAID, “THIS TOO MUST GO.

    PUT A KWANZAA DISPLAY UP RIGHT THERE IN THE SNOW!”

    MIKE NEWDOW THEN SAID,”WE’VE GOT THESE WHOS OVER BARRELS,

    SO IN ALL THE WHOS SCHOOLS WE’LL ELIMINATE CAROLS!

    AND WHILE ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING WHAT DID THE WHOS DO?

    WHY THEY DID NOTHING BUT CRY BOO-HOO-HOO

    WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY. WE DON’T HAVE THE TIME.

    THE COURTS ARE AGAINST US. IT’S SUCH A TOUGH CLIMB.

    I GUESS WE’LL JUST LUMP IT. THIS MUST BE OUR FATE.

    AND THEY CRIED AND THEY WHINED UNTIL ALL WAS TOO LATE.

    THEN THE GRINCH AND THE LAWYERS RAN RAMPANT THROUGH TOWN.

    TEARING EVERY REFERENCE TO JESUS CHRIST DOWN.

    NOW ITS MANY YEARS LATER AND CHRIST IS ALL GONE

    AND THE WHOS ARE ALL WONDERING WHERE DID WE GO WRONG.

    OH, SURE, SANTA’S STILL THERE WITH HIS REINDEER AND ELVES

    BUT AS THE WHOS SNOOZED THEY LOST PART OF THEMSELVES.

    WITH CHRIST GONE FROM CHRISTMAS THE SPIRIT LEFT, TOO

    AND LEFT A BIG, GAPING HOLE IN EACH SOUL IN EACH WHO.

    AND WHAT OF THE GRINCH, NO, HE, STILL IS UNHAPPY

    BUT IT MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER NOW THAT EVERYONE’S CRAPPY.

    SO, NOW CHRISTMAS TIME’S JUST A MEM’RY FOR WHOS

    WHO LET IT ALL GO TO THE ACLU’S.

    by

    Steve Mitton

    With apologies to Dr. Seuss

    http://www.stevesradio.com

    1. Wow, double spaced and in all-caps. I don’t think your apology can ever be accepted.

      1. that was fucking amazing. double points if it’s not a parody!

    2. I fucked your sister.

  23. I feel as if I am living in a cartoon world.

  24. Thenino85: The question is, why does it bother you to see people keep reporting it?

    Most people who AREN’T fucking nutjobs or cranio-rectally impacted think it’s funny. It illustrates just how pig-ass stupid a certain American political segment is. You know, like the people who think Obama sent a Terminator back to 1961 to plant a fake birth announcement in the Honolulu newspapers, and the ones who think Obama really was born in Hawaii–but Hawaii’s a foreign country.

    I’m sure Obama’s laughing himself silly that, at a time when there’s so much legitimate stuff to oppose him on, and with his approval ratings falling as fast as housing prices, these idiots may help him keep control of Congress and get reelected. People like this will Dee Dee Scozzafava the living hell out of any attempt to front viable opposition candidates; the birther lunatics and townhall screamers are having the same effect on GOP viability as an M-80 has on an anthill.

  25. Looks like it’s that time of year again:

    http://www.peikoff.com/essays/why_christmas.html

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