The Real Issue in The Tiger Woods Scandal? Bad Writing!


The Miami Herald's Dan Le Batard reveals the really tragic outcome of the Tiger Woods sex scandal: It has unleashed Dan Le Batard to write sentences like this:

The rules changed on Tiger Woods in mid-swing, and it had to be every bit as jarring to him as if you'd suddenly placed a football on that tee. Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan could behave like rock stars in private once. That's the world Woods entered 13 years ago, where the intrusions on privacy were merely autograph requests at dinner. But what has happened to politicians and celebrities since has now spilled with force into the playpen for the first time, as The National Enquirer and TMZ suddenly realize how much money there is to be made by disgracing athletes, and the cattle media are forced by a public's insatiable appetite to moo toward the Tiger trough.

Why, it's almost as if we drove that car into the fire hydrant! Here's the kicker:

Dire straits for Tiger, but for the media? Money for nothing, and the chicks are free.

I have no idea what the hell that means, but I do know that if Tiger ever gets the industrial disease, a little penicillin should help out.

Whole Le Batard col here.

Matt Welch votes for the worst sports col ever here.

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  1. I doubt Tiger’s “chicks” will end up being free.

    1. Hell no.

      1. WOW… nice baby ;))
        I’ve found Tiger Woods Scandal Video ’09 for FREE

        > > >

        good quality…

  2. Does “Le Batard” translate to “the bastard” or “the retard”? My French is rusty.

    1. I think I am the only who appreciates this joke.
      Votre nom est tr?s stupid!
      NON! Il n’est pas. Il est Betared.

  3. Nick & Matt,

    I would think as Libertarians, you guys would be conserned about shit-media like TMZ prying into the lives of non-pols.

    Government intrusion: Bad
    TMZ intrusion: Oh look, shitty writing about it.

    1. TMZ doesn’t have the power to throw Tiger in a cage for 20 years on a whim.

      Not to mention the fact that the popper-yatzee will be powerless to harm you so long as you DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, a strategy Tiger seems not to have pursued.

      1. You be right.

        Plus, TMZ and the National Enquirer have a much better track record of getting at the truth, sordid or otherwise.

        1. Good luck finding it amongst the likes of Bat Boy and the woman who ate her own gall bladder to cure her cancer.

          1. Not really Tulpa. To be fair, the National Enquirer doesn’t do the crazy “bat boy” and alien abduction stories and shit like that. They pretty much are confined to celebrity gossip and rumor-mongering, but as noted, they seem to have had a pretty descent track record of being right when the info eventually comes out.

    2. Why is it any comment that starts “I would think as Libertarians [sic], you guys would [fill in the blank]” is almost certain to demonstrate a complete misunderstanding of libertarianism?

      1. I would think as Libertarians, yous guys would already know the answer to that.

        I like that Firefox doesn’t flag “yous” as a mispelled word, either. I must have the New Jersey dictionary installed.

  4. The Real Issue in The Tiger Woods Scandal? Bad Writing!

    No – it is that he could not destroy the data and provide phony-baloney models that assert something that is not really happening.

  5. Has anyone considered that Tiger and Elin might have an open relationship? Perhaps they just didn’t want the world to know because it could affect Tiger’s product endorsements.

    Either way, I consider golf to be on the borderline of a real sport. It’s like being the best Wii player in the world. Sure you’re the best, but it’s a job 99% of the world can do adequately.

    1. Open relationship? Is that why she was chasing him down with a golf club and smashed the window out of his car? Oh I forgot, that was to “rescue” him from his “careless driving” accident. Right.

    2. And while I can understand seeing it as a borderline sport, the difference between being the best Wii player and best golfer seems to be about a billion dollars, so there’s that.

    3. Then you obviously don’t play golf. Oh, to be one of the 99% who play adequately enough to be on the tour.

    4. Don’t be an idiot. The only thing that was open about their relationship was the wounds Elin gave him when she found out.

  6. Here’s some bad writing:

    “I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg”…..wh=wh_lead

  7. His public persona was “Mr. Family Values Nice Guy”, so when it turns out that he was screwing around, there’s a backlash. If they wanted him to be a “good boy”, they should have neutered him.

    Athletes have been screwing around since the first gladiator swung a sword in the Colusseum. Get over it.

    1. Not really. His public persona was more ice-cold robogolfer.

      1. Not quite, he’s kind of terse with the media but he’s got a temper on course.

  8. I would think as Libertarians, you guys would be conserned about shit-media like TMZ prying into the lives of non-pols.

    Pfft. Here’s a libertarian angle on that for you: Tabloids behave toward celebrities in exactly the way law enforcement doesn’t.

    If Joe Suspect smashes into a fire hydrant at three in the morning and is found bleeding in the street under blunt-object-swinging Jane Suspect, he doesn’t get to tell the cops to buzz off and come back next week after they get their story straight. Well, he gets to, and then he gets shot in the face.

    Since the law doesn’t concern itself with the criminal affairs of the rich and famous, tabloids fill that information-market void for us, and offer in their expos?s a kind of extralegal punishment for those extralegal persons.


    1. I’d add that it really is possible to be a fully functioning celebrity while maintaining a reasonably private life. There are legions of famous people, young, old, male and female who somehow find ways not to be paparazzi meat, and I’d doubt they’re doing it through clean living alone. What their respective low-profile tricks are I don’t know, and since 99.9999999 percent of all famous people had to work very hard to get that way in the first place, I’m comfortable leaving them to their own devices against the rapacious, plundering, all-consuming vultures of the celebrity media.

      1. Do you mean trick as in “trick of the trade” or as in a deceit?

        Either way, below-the-radar celebs equals booooooooring.

  9. “Dire straits for Tiger, but for the media? Money for nothing, and the chicks are free.”

    I have no idea what the hell that means…

    Writing doesn’t have to make sense. And the Sultans played Creole.

  10. Dire straits for Tiger, but for the media? Money for nothing, and the chicks are free.

    Nick’s just jealous he didn’t pen that line.

  11. Maybe Tiger was driving to the store to get some microwave ovens, though I’d expect him to get custom kitchen deliveryeyeyeyey instead.

    1. And then the man he steps right up to the hotel bar
      And says at last just as his cell phone rings
      ‘Alright, now it’s time to go home’
      And he makes it fast with one more thing
      ‘He is the Sultan… he is the Sultan of Swing’

  12. Yikes. Footballs on tees, playpens, and mooing at troughs? My mixed metaphor-o-meter just went off the charts. With a bullet.

  13. I’m lost as to what the story is anyway.

  14. If nothing else, I think we can all agree that the Gillette commercial with Tiger, Federer, and that other hunky dude (not the one with Jeter) is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

    1. Down Girl! Everyone who I think looks better than me OBVIOUSLY is not into women.
      Maintaining self esteem one delusion at a time

    2. that’d be the French handball-bandit Thierry Henry.

      goddamn it FIFA!!!

      1. Oh cry me a river, beotch! Refs sometimes miss calls. Go drown your sorrows in a pint of Guinness and get over it. Besides, as rare as they are, FIFA’s all too happy to look the other way when someone actually scores a goal for once.

      2. The one good thing about Thierry Henry’s handball is that it knocked Southern Ireland out of the World Cup.

        Now if only Argentina could have failed to qualify….

  15. I don’t understand why anybody really ought to care except the people directly involved. Then again, I also don’t understand why anybody would enjoy watching other people dance on television.

    However, I will admit the jokes coming out of this are pretty good. “What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.” My personal favorite so far.

    1. That’s good. My favourite so far :

      What’s the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade? Tiger can drive a golf ball more than 300 yards.

    2. I hear a horrible one today and am now forced to share:
      “They should change his name to Cheetah!”

      So bad it is good

      1. Cheetah? Tarzan’s chimp? RACIST!

        1. I’m offended.

  16. People who profit by the dissemination of celebrity gossip are scum, but the people who buy their products are worse. What lonely, pathetic and depraved lives they must lead.

    1. Insert standard disclaimer that people are free to spend their money as they like, etc.

    2. God knows gossip hasn’t existed forever or anything.

      1. So has slavery and bad science.

    3. What else can I do honey?

  17. “Money for nothin’ and the chicks are free.” I think it means that some of the media are making money from basically doing nothing but chasing around celebrities with a camera. And in the case of the DMZ, since they are on television, too, they probably have their own groupies. Has anyone seen that show? I’ve watched part of it a couple of times, but haven’t been able to figure out the point of their group-meet after they talk about catching a celeb in public (all the while thinking they’re own stupid jokes are hilarious). Those people really have no shame. Maybe their should be a DMZ to the DMZ. Some people try to catch members of that show out in public, asking them the same stupid questions they get asked.

    1. Maybe their should be a DMZ to the DMZ.

      You don’t see many celebrities hanging out at the 38th parallel, so I don’t think that would work out.

      1. MATT DAMON!

        1. Arex Bardwin!

      2. omg is that a new club? lol i better check it out… xoxo

    2. But then who would be their DMZ?

      Maybe it’s DMZs all the way down.

  18. Not necessarily related to sports, but many of these sentences are well-crafted.

  19. Where’s Tulpa, telling us that this is a political blog, not a [fill in his dismissed topic of the day] blog? Really…Tiger Woods? Sarah Palin and Glen Beck weren’t sleeping with anyone today?

    1. Tiger=miscegenation! The Swede bitch is white frosting on the chocolate cake.

      Good God that racist bullshit is easy to mock.

      1. If you’re an anonymous internet dick.

      2. If you’re an anonymous internet dick.

  20. ‘The cocktail waitress, Jaimee Grubbs’

    What a fucking cunt. A cocktail waitress. Thought she was more than that.

    New word: Jamie Grubbs, noun, definition, a cocktail waitress that thinks she can transcend her ignorance by fucking a famous golfer.

    used in a sentence:

    I purchased a trip to Tibet to meditate but a Jamie Grubbs insisted that our love child needed vitamins and my presence at all intake was necessary.

  21. Is that the head of Tiger Woods and someone else’s body? It looks like a mismatch to me. Or is it the head of a Tiger Woods and the body of a Tiger Woods, but different Tiger Woods’s?

  22. I’m totally going to pass a law against golf.

  23. Uber wealthy sports celebrity bangs party girls, wife upset, public shocked, pr firms drooling, dammit Tiger will owe us an apology (after we hear all the salacious details)
    Once again life hands us something shiney to distract us from what’s important

    1. It’s all our shallow culture can handle at the moment. Thank goodness for the news/entertainment industry and the dedicated vultures, whores and parasites that make our pointless lives a little more bearable.

  24. The black part of Tiger bought an Escalade, but the Asian part of him couldn’t drive it.

  25. BAM!

    [seriously- does no one watch “Pardon the Interruption” ?]

  26. All Tiger Wood’s women and the voicemail heard around The World:…
    and more link:

  27. Thank goodness Jaycee Dugard was in the know about this extremely important occurrence in sports. Mark Whicker can sleep well tonight.

  28. I just took this poll at it asks you if you think Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. I think the results are going to be on the news!

  29. Tiger Woods with Jaimee Grubbs Scandal:…..aimee.html

  30. Tiger Woods with Jaimee Grubbs Scandal:…..aimee.html

  31. Tiger Woods with Jaimee Grubbs Scandal:…..aimee.html

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