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A Headline to Appreciate

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"Madonna to meet Jesus's parents"

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  1. I really want to fuck her circa 1991.

    That is all.

  2. JESUS SAVES!

    PASSES TO NOAH!

    HE SHOOTS…HE SCOOOORRREES!

  3. It sucks when headlines get your hopes up and lead you straight to a banal celebrity news article.

  4. “Madonna to meet Jesus’s parents”

    If only.

  5. So the baby was her daughter’s after all not the mother’s. Andrew Sullivan must feel vindicated.

  6. Damn, i wish i could get with one of these cougars. Is weaver single? does she like guys in their 20s? I know she is in her 50’s but i would so do her while dressed as an alien.

    1. Just find a resturant bar than serves more than three flavors of frozen margaritas. You’ll hit the motherload.

      1. According to Naga, if you’re the bartender in such an establishment, you hit the motherlode. Get it? Ah, fuck, I hate Mondays.

  7. “He grew up with strong Christian beliefs,” the Sun quoted a family pal as saying.

    That’s Judas trying to make him sound like a douche.

  8. Ohh, awkward meeting.

  9. Hey! Seuss!

  10. Oy Vey!

  11. Maybe she should be trying to meet the parent’s of that Mexican wolf-girl she claims as a biological daughter. She grows a better mustache than most 16-year-old boys.

    1. That is a sweet gunslinger ‘stache. I think she’s the biological daughter of Madonna and Rollie Fingers.

      For real, the whole Frida Kahlo thing is kind of cool.

      1. She does look alot like madonna did befor she was blond. Big eyebrow and all. Back then Madonna had a bush the size of a steering wheel on a 59′ Impala.

        1. Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata mentions “a dark patch of pubic hair the size of a bicycle seat.”

          1. Damn I don’t remember the book I read years ago with the main character saying of his very pregnant wife, “it was like fucking a mayonnaise jar.”

            1. Yes I tried searching it. All I got was some really creepy stories.

              1. That was no book, you watched Savage Mountain 2. Link very NSFW.

                Picking up immediately where Savage Mountain left off, sadistic hillbilly Ronnie Rock and his legless sidekick Evil Bill take strong-willed MILF Kinky Kelly, her daughter and family friend Olivia O. to an abandoned Air Force base where they are to be sold into slavery.

                While waiting for the buyers to arrive, Rock and Bill decide to torment the women further. Rock is especially set on breaking Kelly’s spirit – something he almost achieved while making her eat her daughter’s snatch during part one of this delightfully sick tale. After a wicked whipping, Kelly defiantly yells, “Fuck you!”

                “I already fucked you, and it wasn’t that good,” responds Rock. “It was like fucking a mayonnaise jar without the lid on it. But, maybe we’ll keep you for breeding purposes. You make pretty girls.”

                Considering Rock has cut up Kelly’s daughter’s face (now played by Ruby) to the point that she must now wear a leather hood throughout the ordeal to conceal her disfigurement, Rock’s threat carries weight. “She looks like Mickey Rourke now,” he taunts.

                Fortunately for Rock, his buyers either have no use for faces or happen to be big Pope of Greenwich Village fans. They pay full price for the girls and load them into the trunk of their car.

                1. No. It was abook. Maybe a detective pulp novel? I am certain I read it. I’m thinking that the character that said it was a mob guy?

                  1. Maybe it was the novelization of Savage Mountain 2.

                2. Fess up, SF. You wrote that yourself, didn’t you?

                  1. Sadly, my career in hillbilly white slave torture porn screenwriting failed long before the production of Savage Mountain 2

    2. Wow, excellent photoshopping, NutraSweet. That is a photoshop, right? Right?!?

      1. Sadly, no. The hideous part is that they style her eyebrows.

        1. They’re filthy stinking rich and they do this to her? My god, that’s child abuse.

  12. Dammit, Marty! This could destroy the universe as we know it!

  13. I clicked on this thread solely in the hope of seeing some humorous Google ads, yet found merely “Intern for Liberty” and a picture of Snoopy selling life insurance. I feel so cheated.

  14. Por que algu?m iria se casar com uma mulher mais velha do que a sua m?e?

  15. Tongue wrestling with Britguilera was the only thing of interest Madonna’s done since getting pregnant.

  16. Is my math wrong: If Jesus’s mother is 15 years Madonna’s (who is 51) junior, then the mother is 36. If Jesus is 23, then his mother had him at 13?

    1. Doing math is racist.

  17. If Jesus is 23, then his mother had him at 13?

    God is a registered sex offender?

      1. This is the American internet, speak english please.

        1. But you didn’t even capitalize English! Or Internet! Plus the correct verb would be write or type. Type English correctly please! At least the language I was using is relevant to the story. The official language of Brazil is Portuguese!

          1. refer to my post at 1:23p.m.

  18. If this is the American Internet, speak American, dammit.

    1. I stand corrected.

      (prickly overbaring bitch)

  19. If you really want to be appalled at Madonna, just go watch Body of Evidence. Any respect you might have had for Willem Dafoe will also go out the window. If you get high or drunk you may find yourself laughing or possibly puking uncontrollably, which you may find fun, so enjoy.

    1. But watching Savage Mountain 2 *and* Body of Evidence would probably lead to suicide.

      1. Hardly, because suicide is not the end of teh best night evar!

      2. While we’re mentioning serious cinema.I sat and watched this gem last night.

        1. Ben, that’s David Cronenberg’s first movie. Not bad for zero budget, and a good indicator of what his…focus…would be on.

          1. Barbara Steele has a sex maggot crawl into her hoo-ha while she’s taking a bath.

            Don’t listen to bb. It’s awesome.

  20. SugarFree, Brotherben, et al:

    Our beloved friends the Reason editors will never get over their unholy soul-crushing addiction to threaded comments IF YOU KEEP ENABLING THEM.

    1. They have to want to quit, Jennifer. You know that.

  21. They have to want to quit, Jennifer. You know that.

    Yes, love, but when an alcoholic does not yet want to quit, it’s rude to walk around in front of him yelling “This Thunderbird is the tastiest booze EVER!”

    Maybe we should stage an intervention. Invite all the Reasonoids to my house for a “party,” and as they’re sitting at the table wondering where the promised intoxicants are to be found we all come out and stand before them in a disapproving semicircle. “Your actions are hurting the people who love you, or at least love your blog … yes, I hear you. You can quit threaded comments anytime you want; you just don’t want to yet. Of course. But look at THIS!” (Holds laptop up to their face.) “Look at this unraveling mess you call a comment thread. Is that really what you want? Those of you with adorable children — you know damned well who you are — do you WANT them to look at such threads and think ‘That’s what Daddies do? That’s what I should call normal?’ No. No, I don’t think you want that at all. Jesse, Tim, Matt, for God’s sake, you’re not just hurting yourself but your children. Think of your children.

  22. Maybe we should stage an intervention. Invite all the Reasonoids to my house for a “party,” and as they’re sitting at the table

    , then that’s when Steve Smith breaks the bars of his cage and rapes them.

  23. Point taken.

    Unfortunately, I like the threaded comments because I don’t constantly have to quote people to make it understood who I’m speaking to.

    I do, though, think there are more elegant solutions to implementing threading than what is being used. Collapsible threads with up-date/reply indicators, perhaps. And there are worse ways, like the gawker media blogs that thread, but give no indication of that threading visually.

    1. Although, I do like being able to reply to myself.

  24. Unfortunately, I like the threaded comments because I don’t constantly have to quote people to make it understood who I’m speaking to.

    Which is like saying “I’m happy to have all the skin flayed off my face so I don’t have to deal with that teensy-weensy pimple forming on my chin.” Yes, the pimple is a legitimate annoyance, but the treatment’s MUCH worse than the problem could ever be.

  25. Madonna to meet Jesus’s parents

    Gnothi se auton!

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