Kill a Puppy (or a Kitten): Save the Planet

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puppy & kitten

Previous researchers have argued that cows and sheep are big threats to the climate, but a recent analysis by two New Zealand architects has concluded that Fido and Fluffy, besides being warm and cuddly, are also warming the planet. As the Dominion Post explains:

Victoria University professors Brenda and Robert Vale, architects who specialise in sustainable living, say pet owners should swap cats and dogs for creatures they can eat, such as chickens or rabbits, in their provocative new book Time to Eat the Dog: The real guide to sustainable living.

The couple have assessed the carbon emissions created by popular pets, taking into account the ingredients of pet food and the land needed to create them.

"If you have a German shepherd or similar-sized dog, for example, its impact every year is exactly the same as driving a large car around," Brenda Vale said. "A lot of people worry about having SUVs but they don't worry about having Alsatians and what we are saying is, well, maybe you should be because the environmental impact … is comparable."

In a study published in New Scientist, they calculated a medium dog eats 164 kilograms of meat and 95kg of cereals every year. It takes 43.3 square metres of land to produce 1kg of chicken a year. This means it takes 0.84 hectares to feed Fido.

They compared this with the footprint of a Toyota Land Cruiser, driven 10,000km a year, which uses 55.1 gigajoules (the energy used to build and fuel it). One hectare of land can produce 135 gigajoules a year, which means the vehicle's eco-footprint is 0.41ha – less than half of the dog's.

They found cats have an eco-footprint of 0.15ha – slightly less than a Volkswagen Golf. Hamsters have a footprint of 0.014ha – keeping two of them is equivalent to owning a plasma TV.

Their solution: Fido fricassee. The Post continues:

Professor Vale says the title of the book is meant to shock, but the couple, who do not have a cat or dog, believe the reintroduction of non-carnivorous pets into urban areas would help slow down global warming.

"The title of the book is a little bit of a shock tactic, I think, but though we are not advocating eating anyone's pet cat or dog there is certainly some truth in the fact that if we have edible pets like chickens for their eggs and meat, and rabbits and pigs, we will be compensating for the impact of other things on our environment."

Considering that there are about 72 million dogs and 82 million cats in the U.S., that would mean that their ecological pawprints are roughly comparable to that of the entire U.S. passenger vehicle fleet.

Carbon credits for pets?

Hat tip to Bob Poole for the item.

Disclosure: My wife and I are inadequate servants (judging by their condescending attitudes) of two cats, an orange tabby named Milton, and a black domestic shorthair named Mario.

Addendum: Over at ClimateSanity, guest blogging mutt, Cocoa, suggests that the Kiwi professors have gotten their math a bit tangled up. Comparing kibbles to kibbles, Cocoa figures that they are off by a factor of 20. Cocoa calculates thusly:

Remember, a hectare of corn gave 371 bushels of corn in 2007.  A bushel of corn weighs 56 pounds (25.5 kilograms).  That is 20,776 pounds (9,441 kilograms) of corn per hectare.+

If you want to convert that corn into chicken meat, as the professors suggest, then according to the Agricultural branch of the Australia's Department of Primary Industries, the conversion factor is about two kilograms of chicken feed to one kilogram of chicken liveweight.   That means that a hectare of corn would give about 10,388 pounds (4,722 kilograms) of chicken liveweight.  Dogs are not as fussy as humans, but even we don't eat the feathers. We would only eat about 2/3 of the bird liveweight.  That fetches 6925 pounds (3147 kilograms) of edible meat per hectare.++

According to the boneheaded professors, a typical dog eats 164 kilograms of meat per year.  (I have a pretty good life – but I can tell you I don't eat nearly that much. But I'll play along anyway.)  That would require 0.052 hectares to produce.+++  They say that we also eat another 95 kilograms of cereals each year – or another 0.01 hectares worth of corn.++++  That sniffs out to 0.062 hectares worth of land to feed an overfed dog.

Conclusion

0.61 hectares to feed the soulless Toyota Land Cruiser.

0.062 hectares to feed your best friend.

That's 10 times as much for the Land Cruiser than for me.  I could have sworn the professors said the dog required twice as much land as the Land Cruiser.  They were only off by a factor of 20.

Bad professors, BAD.  Don't make me rub your nose in it.

To see if you agree with Cocoa's reasoning check it out here.

NEXT: The Great Red Eye Chugg-Off: George Wendt vs. Bill Schultz

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  1. They compared this with the footprint of a Toyota Land Cruiser, driven 10,000km a year,

    A typical American car is driven for around 12,000 miles a year, I believe, not 6,000 miles, so their soundbite here is grossly misleading for Americans, at least.

  2. My cat balances himself out by decreasing the carbon footprint of the local rodent population.

    1. I love cats, but I can’t eat a whole one.

      1. Try dipping them in chocolate using the Melmackian Feline Choco-Fonduenator.

        Hey, now! Don’t knock it! I’ve seen the things you humans eat, like Warty’s dates!

        Those things would be illegal on Melmac! HA!

        1. Their whiskers can be used as toothpicks thereby saving trees and saving the planet!!!

  3. that there are about 82 million cats in the U.S.

    And every one has his own video on YouTube.

  4. You can’t go hiking with a chicken.

    1. Speak for yourself, Turkey Boy.

  5. For the sake of the planet, Brenda and Robert Vale should kill themselves.

    1. Original!

  6. You can’t go hiking with a chicken.

    Sure you can, it’s just not very much fun. Unless you plan to roast it over a campfire, that is.

    1. Unless you plan to roast it over a campfire

      That’s what I’ve always done with my hiking buddies. Funny story: We got lost in the mountains and it started to snow really hard and, well, long story short, Tim was delicious.*

      *Tim the Chicken, you perverts!

    2. I make my campfires exclusively from old growth wood.

      1. Tip: When trying to light large old growth wood chunks, you will find that spotted owl feathers make excellent tinder.

        1. Excellent tip. Plus, breast of owl is quite tasty.

          1. owl for food? i thought they were only good for target practice.

  7. If environMentals were serious, they would kill themselves. But they aren’t serious.

    They are a bigger carbon waste than any dog.

  8. Chickens are great on hikes. When you grow tired of the sex, you can eat them.

    CB

    1. Thanks for the laugh!!!

  9. “Professor Vale says the title of the book is meant to shock, but the couple, who do not have a cat or dog, believe the reintroduction of non-carnivorous pets into urban areas would help slow down global warming”

    Maybe I should get some cattle. They’re non-carnivors and I live in the city so clearly that fits the mold.

    1. Nah, you should get some peacocks. The neighbors always love them.

      1. Aren’t peacoaks just big chickens?

  10. The thought of a chicken hopping in bed first thing in the morning to peck my eyeballs out is somewhat less endearing than what my dog does.

    It’s as though these people think the various roles of domesticated animals were assigned arbitrarily or something.

  11. The city of Portsmouth here in East Virginia has no law against keeping livestock within the city limits, as long as they don’t wander off your property. Also, you are not allowed to tether them on a balcony or within fifteen feet of the property line. The city code is harsher on dogs than it is on goats.

  12. The thought of a chicken hopping in bed first thing in the morning to peck my eyeballs out is somewhat less endearing than what my dog does.

    What does your dog do, if I may ask?

    1. Either curls up beside me or starts licking my face, depending on how badly he wants to go outside.

  13. Seriously, how far away are we from ecoterrorists offing people systematically to reduce the harm to Gaea? What’s the end goal here, an Earth free of mankind? Okay, fine–evil and stupid but fine–but who is to say that the next species to rise to intelligence and technology–my bet is on the squirrels–won’t do worse?

      1. Wolves? Nah, squirrels have creepsey little handses that can grasp and manipulate. And they have those beady little eyes that see too much. . . .

        By the way, any eco-terror slaughter of mankind will almost certainly encompass the elimination of all of the other primates as well. After all, everyone has seen Planet of the Apes.

        1. Cockroaches, guys. You’re stuck on critters with backbones.

          1. Oh, sage, what good are the spineless? If you had been talking about radroaches, well, maybe I could see where you were going.

    1. Just make sure to wrap them up in duct tape so they don’t burst.

    2. Cat breeding is harder than it sounds.

  14. my bet is on the squirrels

    Not if my cat has anything to say about it.

    Hey, i think we’ve hit on something — the Vales are working for our would-be squirrel overlords!

    1. I, for on, welcome our new fuzzy-tailed rat overlords.

    2. A squirrel is running this blog. I’ve seen him post several times as, no less, the Squirrel.

  15. I’ve got a couple of larger dogs, around 80 pounds each. I’m guesstimating it would take around 1,000 pounds of meat to keep them both fed for a year. That’s something under two cows, or, say, 10 – 12 decent sized deer.

    Just sayin’.

    1. Or 2, I’m guessing, stringy and lanky sustainability architects.

    2. Or one Al Gore

  16. Enivronmentalism is a sick death cult. It is like radical Islam only more pathetic.

    1. But my Goddess Gaea is tangible and can be rendered in print. She brings us life and sustenance. We do all in the name of Gaea, source of love and humanity.

      What can Muhammad do, this faceless wonder? Inspire death and intolerance? He and his ilk should be following OUR example!

  17. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, what crazy farm do these people come from?

    Can’t we eat them instead? I’d sooner resort to cannibalism than eating pets.

    1. JW,

      You may belong on a crazy farm yourself–ewwwww.

      1. Careful ProL. I’d bet a decent Shiraz would go well with fricasseed Floridian.

        1. I hope the squirrels come for you first.

    2. Farm?

      That would the first time most environmentalists had ever been on a farm of any type.

      I’m always stunned by how many of these eco-freaks are complete and total city dwellers who have no idea how farms work. Or where food comes from.

      1. It comes from the organic, locally-grown food co-op, right? I think I read somewhere that they have some kind of solar/bio-diesel powered machine out back that produces it.

  18. I’ll get a chicken or a rabbit as soon as some teaches me how to train a chicken or a rabbit to hunt pheasants.

    Agreed!

    Enivronmentalism is a sick death cult. It is like radical Islam only more pathetic.

  19. X man-

    My cat participates in the same carbon offset program. He ate a juvenile squirrel except for the tail once. It was way cool.

  20. OMG dude everything warms the planet get over it already!

    RT
    http://www.anonymous.ua.tc

    1. Yeah, we should probably destroy the sun so that we don’t have to deal with the heat.

      1. We don’t have to destroy the sun.. we can get that guy with the big red umbrella on the TV commercial to set one up. That would reduce the temperature of the planet so cows can fart again without fear a tree hugger will try and stick a hose up their bum to capture the expelled methane so they can produce bio fuel.

  21. Individual unarmed squirrels are vulnerable, just as we would be against many large predators, but groups of armed squirrels? No way a cat wins that battle.

    1. Squirrels are very good at squad level tactics. That will overwelm cats who are the ultimate loners. But if you want to go above squad level, get a dog. A group of terriers will take out your small groups of armed squirrels anyday.

      1. Squirrels will win over dogs the way we did. They’re already working on a plan to unseat us. On their own, they would fail, but with humans helping out? We’re screwed.

    2. Actually squirrels are very analogous to humans. Which is why their takeover of the world is doomed.

      The squirrels in the country are fully aware that they are at the very bottom of the food chain and as a result are very wary and very industrious.

      City squirrels on the other hand have stumbled into a socialist paradise. Humans have removed most of their natural predators, have planted trees in the suburbs for them and will feed them at any city park. When humans go, these welfare-squirrels are doomed. Their only chance is if they can appeal to ACORN to help them out.

      1. We have a winner!!!!!

  22. From Mango Punch’s second link:

    “Pigs have to stay in pens, chickens have to stay in pens,” he said. “Why are cats allowed to run around and do what their instincts tell them to do, which is rampage?”

    Because—like—they were invited in to kill small squeaky things?!?

    Just sayin’.

    1. Cats were never domesticated like dogs. They were just wild animals who moved in and had a symiotic relationship with humans. We had large food stocks that attracted mice. The cats needed a meal and we were glad to be rid of the mice.

  23. The planet is cooling. Adopt a dog, maybe 2.

  24. My cats don’t even eat the mice they kill, just leave them in the basement for me to clean up.

    I feel sorry for the little guys. They always look like they have been frightened to death, a terrible rictus of fear wrought upon their small gray visage. My fat tuxedo cat stares down from the basement steps, wide-eyed with feigned innocence. My Maine Coon, as dumb as he is handsome, always has the same look as he watches me take the mice away, a Lenny who can never understand why the rabbits keep dying when he hugs them too hard.

    1. Mancoons are beautiful cats but as dumb as posts, especially the male ones. Male cats don’t have to provide for kittens, so they tend to be more interested in lounging and fornicating than they are in doing anything productive. A male mancoon is the ultimately furry slug. I would admire them if I wasn’t so jealous of their lifestyle.

      Cats really are killers and hell on the wildlife, especially a female. It is really a bad idea to let them roam suburbia.

      1. Male cats don’t have to provide for kittens, so they tend to be more interested in lounging and fornicating than they are in doing anything productive.

        Making then the ideal Libertarian mascot.

      2. This is the most racist thing I’ve rtead all week.

    2. They don’t leave them on your pillow, next to your head, and sit there beaming with pride at their gift to you, as you awake?

      What have you done to break their spirit so, Nutra?

      1. They bring them to you half alive so that you can learn how to kill. They think you are their kittens and too stupid to know how to kill anything. So, they bring you something half alive to get you started.

        1. Threadwinner!

    3. My cats couldn’t kill a mouse with a firearm. However, they are masters of death when it comes to the saurian population.

      1. I have an eight pound black and white tuxedo cat. She looks like Sylvester. She is a master of death. She once killed a copperhead snake in my parents’ garage. When I was overseas and my parents kept her, she single handedly destroyed an entire field mouse infestation. Went so far as to get behind the walls to get them.

      2. I’ve had three Maine Coons. The first one was a stray and bright and attentive for a cat. The second one was from an non-pedigree breeder and was one of the smartest animals I’ve ever seen. And he loved everyone, especially women. But poor Takashi… at least he is a super-sweet cat and extremely affectionate, even if that does mean he howls mournfully when my wife is out of town.

        1. I love Maine Coons. But I have never found them to be anything but the dumb blonds of the cat world. Beautiful and lovely but not a lot of lights on in the head. You are the first person I have heard of who had a smart one.

          1. I think it was the way he was raised. The breeders owned the mother and the father (18 and 22 non-fat pounds, respectively) and the kittens were raised cage-free and with both parents. And he was almost 4 months before they started selling them. The cat wasn’t afraid of anything.

          2. I used to have a Himalayan cattery. I cannot imagine that any animal could possibly be stupider than those cats were.

            Growing up, I had your basic mutt cats, some of which were amazingly smart and could easily have lived in the wild. The Himalayans wouldn’t have lasted more than a few days. Fortunately for them, they seemed to have had all desire to go outside bred out of them. I would open the front door and tell them to scram and they would just look at me as if to say “No way am I going out there”.

            1. I agree with MK about Himalayans. My mother had one exactly like yours. It never had the desire to do anything.

              John, were your Maine Coons purchased from a breeder? If so, I think that might be the cause of your cat’s stupidity, not the breed itself.

              1. I have never owned one. But two of my friends and my older brother have had them and they were all dumb blonds. They also were all stray rescue cats.

  25. Why can I too easily see the Vales as good, repentant Flagellants in Venice during the Plague?

  26. As for the articles disclaimer about cats and rats…anyone who knows anything about varmint control critters know that you get medium sized terriers for rats. Cats are for mice, shrews, moles, small birds, lizards, scorpions[1], and sometimes rabbits[2]. But rats are mean.

    [1] No kidding: all the hunting cats I knew in Texas loved to fuck with scorpions. Not eat them, mind you, just wack ’em and get the paw safely away. Repeat until the cat gets bored because they stopped playing.

    [2] We had one who would hunt jack rabbits as big as he was. Then bring them home to consume at his leisure, which looked a bit like a Wild Kingdom episode about leopards.

    1. Terriers are very efficiant ratters. But cats will kill them to. We always had barn cats in Kansas and a rat didn’t stand a chance. Rats may be mean, but cats are quick. The cat pounced and gets them by the neck and that is it.

    2. My dog Heather, when she was young, used to spend all summer catching bees and wasps. Pulled them right out of the air, killed them with her incisors and then ate them.

      Heather on a barrier island in the Gulf of Mexico here:

      http://www.dogster.com/dogs/142533

      1. She is beautiful. We had a German Shepherd when I was a kid who did the same thing. He hated bees and wasps. He would kill them and they would sting him on the lips. But that never stopped him.

        They really are the most German of dogs. Once they decide that something is an affront to the right order and dicipline of things, it must be eliminated at all costs.

        1. Oh, I had a dumb dog as a kid. He’d spend all afternoon catching and eating grasshoppers and then vomiting them up on the porch. Over and over again. All summer.

        2. Old and cripple now. This Thanksgiving will be our fourteenth together. When she was young we walked all over Atlanta — from Emory University to Piedmont Park. Averaged nine miles a day. Folks would stop their cars to ask what kind of dog she was and where could they get one like her.

          1. 14 years is a long time to get out of a large dog. I am sure she is fabulous.

            1. You wouldn’t think that if she were at your house demanding breakfast at 3:45 am. ;0)

        3. Nice roundabout Godwin there John. Teetering on the threshold, but not quite there. Try harder next time.
          Is there nothing that can’t be Godwinned?

          1. It is true. i have owned German Shepherds all my life. They love order and dicipline. They hate it when the routine changes or stuff is messy or things are not where they are supposed to be. They also only take orders. If you ask one to do something they will blow you off. But if you order them to do something, they will do it to the death. They are a truly couragous and loyal animal. But there is more than a bit of martial spirit in them. It is like having your own private storm trooper.

            1. Just giving you a hard time John 🙂 For the most part I buy that, except my Ex-GF’s GS pup. Big one too. When he was teething the fucker chewed up my PDA, shoes, and belt one time when I spent the night with her. He also also had a nasty habit of jumping on me when in the bed with her and he conveniently stomped my crotch every time. LOL. Loyal dogs they are. I have a chow. Red. Very loyal and one owner dogs.

              1. We had a German Shepherd pup once that at a couch. I am not kidding, he ate and entire couch. The little bastards are chew machines when they are puppies. The irony is that when they are little and cute you can’t get near them without them trying to take your hand off. When they get huge, they turn into lap dogs.

  27. Michael Vick for the Nobel Peace Prize?

    1. They could do worse. At least Vick has accomplished something.

  28. Vegetarian Environmentalist: “Don’t you know that cow flatuence is desroying the ozone layer? What are you doing to save the environment?”

    Comedian Ron White: “I’m eating the cows.”

  29. Who knew that the local Chinese restaurant was helping to reduce our carbon footprint? I’m ordering double szcheuan tabby for tonight!

  30. Anyone ever notice whenever a Chinese restaurant opens in a neighborhood, the population of cats and dogs seems to dwindle? They already use chicken and beef in the menu (allegedly).

    That is our solution: More Shitty City Woks!

  31. I guess instead of giving the gizzards and all the other meat byproducts to our pets, we can better use these cheap extras to feed the homeless.

  32. They were just wild animals who moved in and had a symiotic relationship with humans.

    I saw that in, i think, National Geographic recently. The article pointed out that even the friendliest lap cat is, technically speaking, feral. They domesticated themselves at the dawn of agriculture, and are fully capable of undomesticating themselves at any time if they have to.

    They always look like they have been frightened to death, a terrible rictus of fear wrought upon their small gray visage.

    I wondered about the apparent lack of injury on the roof rat corpses my cat leaves by the front door until i actually watched him kill one. He snuck up on it and launched himself almost straight up into the air, and then came down on the varmint with his full weight on both front paws. Broke its neck instantly.

    1. I watched a show on Animal Planet (maybe just the simply-titled Cats) and they suggested that cats are really only pets because humans keep them in a life-long juvenile state by feeding them. Basically, cats can always go feral, but not until they really have to to survive. Feral cats, in other words, are just adult cats.

    2. Hey Xeones, I haven’t seen the NG show you saw, but it’s not likely that any species can domesticate itself, given the very definition of domestication and the way evolution works. It is more likely that cats, over long periods of time in human history, demonstrated features that were valuable to humans, who then kept/bred them based on how well or poorly they performed those functions. Those functions could be anything from representing the mystery of a supernatural system to killing mice to being warm and purry in the lap regions.

      I don’t know enough about the so-called feral trigger to comment on that, but it’s an interesting idea.

  33. you’re telling me calling someone an environmentalist pussy is some kind of oxymoron now?

    1. I would say you are being redundant, not oxymoronic.

  34. Between the coyotes, the rattlesnakes, the owls, and the bobcats, there is no cat that can survive for long as a “barn animal” in West Texas. Most of the ranchers I know go to the pound periodically to restock with barn cats. They may build up a hell of a little cat city in that barn for awhile, but sooner or later, they all disappear.

    1. You have to lock them up at night. Otherwise the coyotes and the owls get them. Life is very hard for a barn cat if you don’t. Of course if you do lock them up, you are soon overrun with them.

  35. An excellent comment to a vegan’s letter in the San Fran paper this am:

    “Veganism enables people to live in balance with all of Earth’s creatures and promote freedom from exploitation”

    OK – I want to be in balance with the great white shark that tears the body of the gracefully playful seal in half, because it needs to eat. No… I want to be in balance with the African lion that chases down, and kills, the weak gazelle because it needs to eat. No…No wait…I want to be like a stinging wasp that captures, kidnaps, and kills otherwise predatory spiders.

    No?not that?let me be the gentle polar bear of post-cards that (well it’s unfortunate) dispassionately kills and devours those cuddly little seals that we print posters of?. Wolverine, Owl, Coyote, Snake, Falcon?

    They are all non-judgmental vegans aren’t they?

    Ahhh harmony?

    Please cue the anthropocentric voice of Morgan Freeman….

    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/…..z0V3VlyZbn

    1. Incidentally, I know someone who became a vegetarian after unknowingly eating a chicken his grandparents were raising that he had adopted as a pet. Ulterior motive.

      They were in a city, so far as I know, and thus following the advice of these people. Of course, this was in the former USSR. For what that’s worth.

  36. Hmm, what is the carbon footprint of babies, especially as they get older? They also hang around a lot longer, too..

  37. If my cat eats my hamster, can I apply the carbon credit to my 2009 tax returns?

  38. They are all non-judgmental vegans aren’t they?

    Only someone who has grown up really far removed from anything natural can have such a sanitized, romanticized view of nature. They have to have never seen, say, the corpse of a deer that was chased into deep snow by wolves and then eaten alive.

    Grizzly Man is a prime example of that mindset. Funniest movie i have ever seen.

  39. Do vegans forgo taking flu vaccines? Swine flu might just have an upside…

    1. Is the nasal one grown in eggs?

      1. Yes. I’v read things that suggest it is either easier to grow or possibly can make more doses per egg, but it is an albumin culture.

        1. Is this how the aliens in Alien get started?

          1. Yes, the albumin was contaminated with DNA from Steve Smith and eventually morphed into the familiar facehugger complete with the penile proboscis that follows introduction to the esophagus.

            Incidentally that was a mutation that survived; the others attached to the posterior for introduction to the rectum, but the environment of the large intestine proved too hostile for the alien embryos to survive.

    2. No. Treated a few vegans and they all opted for the vaccine, even though it is ovo-avian derived.

      Kinda like when porcine insulin was introduced for IDDM. Strict Jews do not eat pork, but there is nothing in Judaic/Mosaic law that contraindicated its use.

  40. No matter how many dogs and cats I get, or how big my SUV is, my carbon footprint will never surpass that of the Manbearpig Al Gore. I’m so envious!

    1. On the drive into work this AM, I heard a Sheryl Crowe song. I was wondering how much energy, Miss “Two Sheets” uses during her tours and how large her house is in LA? How much energy do her fans use coming to see one of her shows? By what magnitude is her energy usage higher than the average person?

      I swear to god, one day, I will smack one of these fraudulent, holier-than-thou, self-righteous, limousine liberal, eco-scolds right in the mouth.

      It’ll be worth every night in jail. I think.

  41. cats are really only pets because humans keep them in a life-long juvenile state by feeding them.

    You know, i believe that is exactly the intended function of the nanny state. Maybe cats really are a good mascot for libertarianism.

  42. Cats are too stupid to be a symbol of libertarianism.

    1. The cats have gotten to ProL.

      Plausible deniability is their plan, right up to the point of it being too late to do anything about their New World Order. After they take care of the squirrels that is.

      1. You can’t fake that kind of stupid. We used to have hamsters, and the hamsters were definitely smarter than the cats. Cats are wired to be good a few finite functions but beyond that. . .nothing.

        1. Hmmm, I have to wonder about your choice of cats. I’ve had some truly smart ones. A few dumb as a rock ones too, but by and large, they can run rings around dogs and hamsters in brains. (Don’t take this as a dog-vs-cat thing. I love me some dogs too, but I’ve had only cats for a while now.)

          You lost a staring contest to one before, didn’t you? Admit it. It still haunts you to this day.

          1. Nah, I’ve seen my share of cats. They are hardwired for some good predating, but they’re not learning or cogitating machines, either. The not-bred-to-rodent dogs are clearly smarter.

            1. Cats are intelligent about some things, but I concede dogs are on average smarter. Now if you could just teach them to use litter boxes.

  43. No animal would make a good libertarian mascot. Animals are all socialists since they will not respect private property or self-ownership.

    1. I have a Chesepeake Bay Retriever who would beg to differ. As far as she is concerned she owns her yard. I would say many dogs at least have a very highly developed sense of private ownership.

      1. Ah, but she has to be so vigilant because others of the canine and feline persuasion don’t respect private property. And has she never trespassed in some else’s lawn?

        It’s easy to believe in owning your own stuff than it is to believe that other people have a right to their own stuff too.

        This is the lesson behind The Parable of the Leftist Undergrad Who Objects When You Steal His Backpack.

        1. Even using the preview feature, I cannot type today. Bah.

        2. The neighbors accross the street have a Chespeake retriever that is older than dirt. Our dog never goes in that yard. She is more tribal I guess.

        3. This is the lesson behind The Parable of the Leftist Undergrad Who Objects When You Steal His Backpack.

          I’ll bet good money that s/he still doesn’t understand your lesson. Even after multiple lessons.

    2. More proof Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad.

      Ask the farmer how that worked out for him.

  44. They’ve obviously tricked you into believing that, Pro Lib.

    Then again, my other (non-hunting) cat got high on paint fumes last night and passed out in a grocery bag.

    Isn’t that what libertarianism is about? Substance abuse and freedom for even the stupid to make their own choices in life?

  45. So wait, a german sherherd is equal to a Chevy Tahoe in emissions?

    Doesn’t that kinda of indicate that the Tahoe isn’t that bad? I mean shit, a dog emits as much?

  46. So wait, a german sherherd is equal to a Chevy Tahoe in emissions?

    Doesn’t that kinda of indicate that the Tahoe isn’t that bad? I mean shit, a dog emits as much?

    1. I think I need an equivalent dog measure per pound or something. I’ve got 2 adult Westies and three puppies, so what’s that translate to in terms of vehicles? Am I talking Tahoe or Trailblazer here?

  47. Anonymity guy wins the thread at 10:46.

  48. We have three cats. They’re all dumber than our vacuum cleaner. People who think cats are smart also think Tickle-Me Elmo are the robots that will take over the world.

    1. Are you telling me I slaughtered all those Tickle-me Elmo’s for no reason?

      1. Yes, they were innocent.

        1. Of that particular crime, perhaps, but guilty nonetheless.

        2. They are never innocent. They deserved it for something else.

      2. Oh no, you had good reason to do so. I know the voices tell me to kill them, so they must tell you the same thing.

  49. My cat is providing me and my four-year-old twins with terrific nature lessons. I didn’t even realize that flying squirrels lived in my area, until she brought us back part of one.
    Stormy has also gifted us with mice, moles, voles, squirrels, bats, rabbits and a vast selection of birds. I’m hoping she’ll move up to deer, soon. Those bastards are death to my gardens. If she’d team up with my other cat and form a pack, they just might stand a chance.

  50. I saw we start whacking academics. They have a huge a footprint and there are clearly too many of them. We can also redistribute their Prius’ to people in need.

    1. saw = say in retard speak

    2. I’m inclined to agree. Every see the energy bills from a major University?

    3. I’m inclined to agree. Every see the energy bills from a major University?

  51. I’m still puzzling out how you get 135 gigajoules a year out of a hectare. Are we composting biomass or setting up solar panels?

    Plus, 55 gigajoules seems low for making and operating a land cruiser. That’s only 15 megawatt-hours, which isn’t very much when you’re talking about steel production.

  52. I hit submit once/b>. It wolud seem “submit” means submit to the whims and pranks of the server squirrels.

  53. Fuck you Big Tags!

  54. The Squirrel laughs at your b tag.

    1. As we all should when he leaves out the opening < .

      1. It was there!!!

  55. I swear, there isn’t a damn thing I own–no matter how simple or mundane–that some suckhole isn’t trying to take away from me. That’s what “government” has come to mean to me.

  56. Considering that there are about 72 million dogs and 82 million cats in the U.S., that would mean that their ecological pawprints are roughly comparable to that of the entire U.S. passenger vehicle fleet.

    Which is why my administration is implementing the “Cash for Companion Animals” program. You simply bring in your cat or dog to any pet store that sells chickens and rabbits, where you will get a credit of up to $5.00 to spend on a new chicken or rabbit. Of couse to ensure that the trade-in cats and dogs aren’t resold, we will force them to injest a caustic solution that will destroy their innards, and then crush them.

  57. That sounds about right.

    Didn’t something kill off dogs and cats in the Planet of the Apes universe? After which, we enslaved apes, nuked ourselves, then lost control to those apes?

    1. Yes, the Plague killed off most of the cats and dogs in 1982. And it introduced a mutation in ape DNA that lead to the rapid development of higher intelligence, dexterity, and speech abilities.

    2. Yes, the Plague killed off most of the cats and dogs in 1982. And it introduced a mutation in ape DNA that lead to the rapid development of higher intelligence, dexterity, and speech abilities.

      1. As I recall, they didn’t provide much detail about this “Plague.” Let me suggest that the year wasn’t 1982, it was 2010. And the Plague wasn’t a disease, it was policy.

  58. When they calculate the global warming, er, output, of a pet, do they include methane? Because my older dog is turning into a regular methane factory.

    1. That’s uhh, that’s not the dog, RC.

  59. Where are the links to recipies? What kind of story would not have recipies? My neighbor’s pest… damn dyslexia… pets would look great next to the salad.

  60. There are a lot of lesbians who are very upset, this morning.

    1. Does one have to be fat in order to be a Lesbian?

      1. THAT’S INSANE. THE URKOBOLD IS LOOKING AT THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF “LESBIAN” RIGHT NOW: “A hot, well-built, large-breasted woman whose sexual orientation is to hot, well-built, large-breasted women.” SEE? IT’S RIGHT THERE, IN BLACK AND WHITE.

        1. Literally in black and white:

          http://fhg.pixandvideo.com/250…..,0,0,48308

          (NSFW, BTW)

  61. I posted a monkey recipe from The Congo Cookbook once. That’s all the help I can give you.

  62. I propose abolishing humans.

  63. Kittens give Morbo gas.

  64. all we need, two kiwis telling us all how to live and how to eat. I say, let’s take all our cats and dogs down to NZ and let tehm crap all over their vegetable garden so they can gourge themselves in that kiwi ecoli.

  65. Between this and the carbon footprint of our off-spring, I’m expecting them to come out with studies indicating we should be grateful to everyone who committs suicide for their dedicated contribution to reducing mankind’s impact on climate change. Clearly, anything we could possibly want or do to make life worth living is DRASTICALLY increasing our carbon footprint.

  66. Do they mention that dog food is made up of meat from “Rendering Plants” (food processing)? Humans won’t eat this meat in the U.S. (and the government says that’s it’s not fit for human consumption). Meat from rendering plants is all waste, essentially animal by-products that would be thrown away. Also when cows, chicken and swine eat, they process corn and wheat that humans cannot eat (I do know that corn is not their natural food). Not to mention making a car requires the use of animal by-products (the factory machinery needs lubricants from animal by-products, not to mention industrial chemicals using the same by-products). I think the authors have no idea how consumer products are manufactured (food is a consumer product).

    Also I wonder if I feed my dog all table scraps or my local butchers surplus meat and not dog food is the impact the same? It is certainly less than a human baby or an inmate in a prison.

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