Jackson Family Drama

If You Prick Joe Jackson, Will He Not Bleed?


For a story most people I know profess not to care about, the death of Michael Jackson is still delivering in terms of structure, character, spectacle and narrative complexity. This week alone has brought Michael's enigmatic will [pdf], father Joe Jackson's impromptu record label promotion, the revelation that the King of Pop's apparently motherless and fatherless children came to Earth directly from Planet Sedna, and the curious twist that celebrity attorney Londell McMillan (who previously served as Michael's lawyer) is representing both of Michael's parents, although mother Katherine is named as Michael's executor and Joe is excluded from the will.

I kind of feel that Big Joe is the most compelling Jackson. It may be that I just have more sympathy for abusive fathers than I used to, or that, even if you don't believe this tale of Quincy Jones' full-contact producing technique, Michael's discography suggests that he tended to flail without a strong male presence in his life.

But who will speak for Joe Jackson? Who is the globalization-age Shakespeare able to comprehend a figure so rudely stamp'd that dogs bark at him as he halts by them?

Murray Wilson and Joe Jackson

Peter Bagge, that's who! Complete Reason's hat trick of Bagge celebration by watching Murray Wilson: Rock 'n' Roll Dad, the animated epic about the Beach Boys' rageaholic paterfamilias that Bagge and Dana Gould cooked up back when Thomas Edison was first experimenting with web video. Along with Fred Lennon and the title character, Joe Jackson gets a chance to stand up and speak for underappreciated producer/fathers everywhere: their fury, their foiled dreams, and their tireless search for the next big thing that will be "driven by Blu-ray technology." Watch the Joe Jackson parts on Youtube or at the original Icebox.com site (still up after all these years).

NEXT: For Once, Cynthia McKinney's Problems Really Are Caused by the J-E-W-S

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  1. Peter Bagge and voice talent by Paul F. Tomkins, Tom Kenny and Jill Talley. Music by Eban Schletter.

    Mr. Show fans, rejoice!

  2. I thought Joe Jackson was a baldheaded pastey white singer from england?

  3. Yo fuck Cavanaugh for killing our one respite from Jackson obsessed media.

  4. Oh, come now, juris. At least it’s Tim-style Jackson obsessed media, as opposed to the regular kind.

    And he nominated Diana Ross to take care of the kids if his mom croaks? What is Liz Taylor, chopped liver? Or Liza? Too bad she and Gest divorced; wouldn’t an Uncle David Gest just be the best?

    Greatest picture of all time.

  5. This was the Joe Jackson I thought you were talking about. And yes, he should be in the Hall of Fame.

  6. I for one am appalled by the lack of Michael Jackson coverage in the media.

  7. Episiarch – keep that photo away from SugarFree. The slash fic he could come up with would be so disturbing it would make schisse porn look like Disney.

  8. Okay, Disney’s a bad example. “…make schisse porn look like SpongeBob”.

  9. Thanks for the roundabout plug, Tim!

    My favorite Joe Jackson quote (in response to Michael claiming the mere sight of his father used to make him regurgitate): “Yeah, he regurgitated all the way to the bank!”

  10. It seems that digestive problems had more to do with Michael Jackson’s death than previously thought. Reports from toxicology are that he did not die from pharmaceuticals as previously thought, but from food poisoning. They found an eight year old’s weiner in his stomach.

  11. BoscoH, the joke is funnier without the possessive.

    Anyway, speaking of abusive people who are parents, Lori Drew’s conviction was overturned.

  12. dude, if you’re gonna do a MJ joke right, learn some grammar.

    corrected form:
    Reports from toxicology are that he did not die from pharmaceuticals as previously thought, but from food poisoning. They found an eight year old weiner in his stomach.”

  13. I’m glad to see brotherben and Tulpa giving shout-outs to the two Joe Jacksons who are light-years ahead of the Jackson family patriarch on my list of Joe Jacksons I’d like to read about on Hit & Run (or anywhere, really).

  14. Tulpa,

    Hall of Fame?

    He freaking admitted in court to cheating.

  15. robc,

    Look at the wiki article. There is no record of that admission in the actual court records, that’s just what the papers printed. His teammates who really were on the take have said ever since that he wasn’t part of the conspiracy, they just gave his name to the gamblers to gain credibility. He had a then World Series record 22 hits during the series and batted .375 with no errors. That’s a strange way to throw games.

  16. If it hadn’t been for Shoeless Joe
    I’d been married long time ago
    Where did you come from, where did you go?
    Where did you come from, Shoeless Joe?

  17. Yo, fuck Joe Jackson!

  18. In related “news” I just received:

    From the Desk of John Freeborn Chambers
    56 Elizabeth Avenue se10 0dx
    London, United Kingdom.
    E-mail : free.chambers@yahoo.com
    Tel : +447023035974

    Attn Friend,

    I am Barr. John Freeborn Liburne, one of the solicitor to late Micheal Jackson and i am based in the united kingdom. I want to use this opportunity to tell you about Micheal Jackson. Jackson is my client who died recently due to an acute sickness and am sure you have heard about it because it has been in the news and the internet. Before he passed away, he has assets worth $25,000,000.00 (twenty five million U.S Dollar) which needs to be claimed by next of kin. Fortunately, the next of kin does not need to be a blood relations according to the agreement i signed with late king of pop.

    As Jackson solicitor, i have concluded to transfer the sum of $25 millions, which late Micheal Jackson left in my custody before he died. Am contacting you independently and no one is informed of this communication. I am prepared to simply nominate you as the next of kin and have the banks release the deposit to you after due Verification. I have every data and how the fund were deposited. I would have gone ahead to ask for fund to be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit.

    And so it goes.

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