Dept. of Failed Assassinations


Cracked lists "The 6 Most Utterly Insane Attempts to Kill a US President."

Bonus video: Here's how to do it right:

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  1. Why bring this up now?

  2. Shut the fuck up, Lefti.

  3. This topic makes me fear that the statist bogeyman will come get me for thought crime.

    Where does the line between talking about past assassination attempts to speculative attempts become a threat and therefore a punishable offense?

    Why bring this up now indeed! We are all going down for thought crime. oh DooM.

  4. Why bring this up now?

    Because Cracked is teh funny, and just posted it?

  5. when i was a kid cracked was the poor man’s mad magazine now it’s an occasionally hilarous humor website. their list articles like “worst celebrity sex tapes” and the best “7 most retardeds way celebrities have tried to go green” are really funny.

  6. Great link!

    My belated thanks to Reason for turning me on to Cracked.com.

  7. Hey guys, how about something on democracy activist Hu Jia winning the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought?

  8. Mr. Garfield, of course, would likely have survived being shot down low if not for the aggressive incompetence of his attending doctors —


  9. Second best way to assasinate-use a digital watch to mind control Reggie Jackson.

  10. T. R. gave a 90 minute speech with a bullet in his lung? As much of a trust-busting, war-mongering douche he was, you gotta admit, he was covered in manly.

  11. That Nick Gillespie sure can play the guitar, but he’s looking really old.

  12. There is no situation, condition, or circumstance that the phrase “covered in manly” cannot improve.

  13. Josh,

    That only works against Queens. Cant be used for presidents.

  14. Is this an anti-Palin thread?

  15. Is this an anti-Palin thread?

    Around here, every thread is an anti-Palin thread.

  16. Warren wins the thread.

    “Covered in manly”–that’s a keeper. 😉

  17. My doctor prescribed a regimen of anti-Palins to help reduce my political apathy.

    Side-effects include…

  18. “T. R. gave a 90 minute speech with a bullet in his lung? As much of a trust-busting, war-mongering douche he was, you gotta admit, he was covered in manly.”

    On July 23, 1892, Henry Clay Frick was at work in his office and in charge of Carnegie Steel operations during the strike at Homestead Pennsylvania. Alexander Berkman walked into his office armed with a revolver and a steel file sharpened for stabbing. Berkman shot Frick twice in the neck as Frick attempted to tackle him. In the furball, Berkman stabbed Frick repeatedly in the leg with the file.

    Berkman was subdued and taken away. Frick sat at his desk and without anesthetic directed doctors for two hours in removing the bullets from his neck. He took a couple of days off, but not before he finished that workday with routine paperwork at his desk.

    Frick was made of “manly”.

  19. So, we have the song about Garfield; there is “White House Blues”; and there is that song by Dion that gets credit as a two-fer. Any others?

  20. “Instead the bullet struck his breast pocket where it had to punch through Roosevelt’s one-hundred page speech and his glasses case, before lodging itself in the wall of his lung.”

    Maybe there was another reason for the assassination attempt.

    PS: Did Roosevelt actually read a hundred-page speech with a bullet hole in the middle of it?

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