At the Creme Swirls of Madness

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Friday fun link: "Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's brief tenure as a Whitman's Sampler copywriter." A few excerpts:

Chocolate Cherry Cordial

You must not think me mad when I tell you what I found below the thin shell of chocolate used to disguise this bonbon's true face. Yes! Hidden beneath its rich exterior is a hideously moist cherry cordial! What deranged architect could have engineered this non-Euclidean aberration? I dare not speculate.

Caramel Chew

There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.

Toffee Nugget

Few men dare ask the question "What is toffee, exactly?" All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.

[Via Infocult.]

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  1. Wow.

    Just… wow.

    “All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.” – Brilliant.

  2. Consume the Coconut Creme Swirl before it awakens to consume you!

    Lovecraft seems to not only be a source of endless dread, but endless humor as well (Family Circus Lovecraft synthesis, for example). I don’t know if he would have appreciated that.

  3. Butterfinger

    Beneath this pathetically thin layer of “el cheapo” chocolate is a remarkable substance. The staying power is something to behold. The people who bury you will be digging it out of your teeth.

  4. Re: Toffee

    It’s a good question.

  5. I, too, was a copywriter. Would you like to see some samples?

  6. The stars are right! The Elder Gods are going to rise and eat them all!

  7. The brand easy to spot on the store shelves, just look for the box that has a colour you can’t name.

  8. just look for the box that has a colour* you can’t name

    Oh, I can name it: Autistic Rust.

    * did you just spell like a limey?

  9. Epi,

    Thank god you’re pretty, ’cause you ain’t too bright.

  10. For the record, I do not think Epi is pretty. Ruggedly handsome, with his olive oil voice and guinea charm, maybe… but not pretty as such.

  11. Heh. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine hires the PTSD soldier/mailroom worker to write copy for the J. Peterman catalog.

  12. Fuck. I’ll get you for this, NutraSweet.

  13. That’s a fun Fun Link. I approve!

  14. That is just great.

  15. sage,

    That’s what makes Butterfingers so awesome. I can have one now and still savor the taste long after dinner.

  16. MMmmm sweet candied Old Ones.

    You think we could sell a large chocolate Cthulhu around Easter time instead of bunnies?

  17. The most Lovecraftian candy bar is the Hundred Grand. Had one of those lately? You don’t actually eat it as such; it’s not designed for the body chemistry and mastication process of human beings. You the chew sickly filling until you get tired and finally decide to swallow it as a wax mass.

    A close second is a Zero bar. Why are those fucking things in every goddamn vending machine? There will be two rows of them and not a Snickers or a Milky Way in sight. The Zero bar filling tastes like it’s made from whipped pennies and used 9 volt battery terminals. Vile.

  18. Maybe you should lay off the sweets, fatty insulin-boy.

  19. When you can’t have much, you become a connoisseur. Besides, I choose how I die. If I want to go out on a barge surrounded by nougat and the lovely ladies of Reason Hit & Run, so be it.

  20. The perfect synthesis of Family Circus, Nietzsche, and libertarianism.

    Holy crap, that’s genius.

  21. For Epi, because he’s bored:

    How To Raise A Feminist Son

  22. Nice linkage, SF. Proving that Family Circus is not in fact a black hole for humor in all incarnations.

    “No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  23. Hs ha ha, thanks dude. The internal contradictions in any Feministing post challenge my sanity and therefore prevent me from being bored. Sort of like a colour I can’t quite see.

  24. Should be How To Raise A Son That Will Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Him.

  25. The most Lovecraftian candy bar…

    I submit for your examination: the Crunchie bar. A nefariously sticky, styrofoam-like substance which sucks the moisture from your mouth on contact. Known only to that depraved and disparate group, the British Commonwealth.

  26. Dagny,

    You are correct. I was just limiting myself to the eldritch horrors of the American vending machine. The Cruchie is pretty bad, sort of like a weaponized Butterfinger.

  27. Should be How To Raise A Son That Will Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Him.

    Or, possibly, how to raise a son that will do the exact opposite of what you want because you tried too hard to get him to be the way you want.

    I submit for your examination: the Crunchie bar.

    I would think that Willie Wonka’s candy bars would probably hit the Lovecraftian watermark.

  28. as much as i generally roll my eyes at feministing, that was at least a genuine examination of an obvious problem.

    dunno how many libertarian parents there are around here* but the issue of how much ideology you want to insert into your kid’s life would seem like a very big deal. it’s something i think about from time to time, and i’m not entirely sure where i stand.

    *[insert joke about legions of colloidal blue virgins performing free-market self-abuse every time a woman posts a story here…oh wait, that’s an accurate description of what happens. nevermind.]

  29. dhex,

    My eye-rolling is most saved for the post writer. Yelling at someone when they tease your 5-year-old boy about having a girlfriend indicates your have tipped way over the instill values/brainwash scale.

    I’ll never have kids, but I always thought “taxing” their allowance and giving it to the kid they hate the most in school would work pretty good. Let the innate kid-sense of fairness mature before the slave morality gets to them.

  30. I’ll never have kids

    Poor NutraSweet, shooting blanks.

  31. I’ll lease you one of my four, SF.

  32. No, it’s just that your mom always begs for a facial.

  33. CN,

    I’ll have to see the paperwork first. And no uggos. If I’m going to raise the ubermensch, he’s got to be handsome enough to spread his seed far and wide when the time comes.

  34. Poor NutraSweet, shooting blanks.

    Epi,

    You have, I assume, a legion of charming but illegitimate offspring?

  35. Yelling at someone when they tease your 5-year-old boy about having a girlfriend indicates your have tipped way over the instill values/brainwash scale.

    i don’t know if she’s yelling or merely correcting, but it is a bit strange.

    is it stranger than trying to raise a libertarian kid? probably not.

  36. No, it’s just that your mom always begs for a facial.

    Yeah, I know, but sometimes I like to surprise her.

    You have, I assume, a legion of charming but illegitimate offspring?

    A thrill of fear runs through me every time the doorbell rings; it might be a kid that looks just like me.

  37. is it stranger than trying to raise a libertarian kid? probably not.

    Kids are natural libertarians, or at least libertines (they want to do what’s fun, and have to be taught about consequences and responsibility). What must take real effort is raising an authoritarian kid.

  38. it doesn’t seem like raising an authoritarian kid on purpose would be that hard; nations have done so for generations.

  39. is it stranger than trying to raise a libertarian kid? probably not.

    At least a liber-kid’s going to have thick-skin. I’m not a paleolithic as I sound on here, but raising a kid, boy or girl, to believe that this world is sunshine and roses is pretty bullshit. The world’s going to kick you in the teeth. You can either grin and bear it or wear a mouth-guard. This woman is not preparing her kid for the real world, but a fantasy one she has in her head.

    This is indicative of a fairly corrosive mindset that is most often displayed in hyper-feminist communities. They are so focused on how the world should be, they seem incapable of dealing with the world as it is. Fight for the changes you think should happen, but don’t blind yourself to reality.

    The way feministing and it’s commenting community deals with the subject of defense classes for women in order to defend yourself from rape is a perfect introduction to this innaity. They are so busy saying that men shouldn’t rape that they discount the need to learn how to defend yourself. (I can link in depth if anyone wants.) The argument that men will rape so be prepared to defend yourself is ignored when anyone offers it. This goes for suggesting women shouldn’t walk alone in dangerous areas, or get blind drunk and pass out in public or a frat house. Yes, women should be able to do all those things with being raped, but they can’t right now, so carry some fucking mace and pour your own beer.

    They live in the fantasy NoRapelandia instead of the real world.

    And when anyone points this out, they all scream “rape apologist” and ban them quickly.

    Libertarians may dream about Libertopia, but we don’t teach our kids to not pay their taxes or to smoke a joint in front of police officer because those things shouldn’t be crimes. They are crimes, so break them carefully and work to change them. We recognize reality.

  40. You want to raise a libertarian kid? Just be a hyper-nanny-statist. You’ll get a rule-breaking everything-trying authority-hating maniac for a kid. Hi mom!

    Also, NutraSweet makes good points.

  41. That method worked for me too. Sending them to a small-minded public school also gives you a boost.

  42. SugarFree,

    That article was frickin’ hilarious. But what caught my attention half way through was the book on the left hand side of the screen. “He’s a stud, she’s a slut, and 49 other double standards all women should know”. I must get my hands on this book!!! My friend has two daughters and this would be a great gag gift for his birthday!

  43. Naga,

    That’s written by one of the blog-runners.

    Here’s the thread promoting when it came out. Watch how quickly they maul anyone who dissents.

  44. At least a liber-kid’s going to have thick-skin. I’m not a paleolithic as I sound on here, but raising a kid, boy or girl, to believe that this world is sunshine and roses is pretty bullshit.

    while i think her umbrage at jokes about the kid having a girlfriend and the general worry about “violent play” is overblown, she didn’t strike me as being particularly crazy. perhaps overprotective, but if anything she’s a little too aware at how different the outside world is from her particular pov. the whole emotional “toughening” thing isn’t entirely stupid because growing up repressed and tightly wound isn’t a great idea; however, i think she takes it too far.

    but it’s her kids and her life, and such is life. from the outside, the very notion of raising a “libertarian kid” also seems crazy and unrealistic.

  45. Oh, of course she can do what she wants.

    But would she do the same for me? That’s the rub when you get into the these ideologies that focus on freedom in a very narrow range of expression.

  46. it doesn’t matter if she would or not; she has no power over you.

    and in general, the whole feminist ideologue memeplex (if you will) doesn’t have nearly as much power in the brick and mortar world as it does in the kultur war world.

    i do agree the commentariat tends to go utterly bonkers on that site. not so much an “echo chamber” as a batting cage.

  47. SugarFree,

    Thanks, for some reason I thought the techdoc commentor was joe. I guess I’m just so used to seeing him battling it out here that I just made the leap mentally.

  48. and in general, the whole feminist ideologue memeplex (if you will) doesn’t have nearly as much power in the brick and mortar world as it does in the kultur war world.

    [cough]Hillary[cough]

    Sorry, something authoritarian in my throat.

  49. are you serious?

    hilary is an extreme feminist in the same way i’m a big L libertarian. (note: author is not a big-L libertarian)

  50. So if they had got her elected, she wouldn’t have been beholden to them whatsoever? Interesting take on modern American politics you have. 😉

  51. It doesn’t matter if Hillary is a feminist, Acid Damage McGee. For some reason feminists have chosen her as a feminist icon, and that makes her one. Just because Al Gore is probably doing the “Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth” routine to make money and not to save the planet doesn’t change the fact that he is a green icon.

  52. So if they had got her elected, she wouldn’t have been beholden to them whatsoever? Interesting take on modern American politics you have. 😉

    what portion of the population of the united states do you think is onboard the whole feministing (which isn’t that that extreme, just somewhat extreme) bandwagon, anyway?

    they are a hell of a marginal group. maybe not quite so marginal as the libertarians, to be sure, but definitely marginal.

    kultur war is a hell of a drug! much love and all, but i think you’re overreacting here big time.

  53. Actually, it’s not very good Lovecraft. The descriptions aren’t creepy at all. Non-euclidian cherries? WTF?

  54. Brandybuck,

    A big, scary word like “non-euclidian” doesn’t bother you? Who are you to brave Lovecraft and not get chills after reading a word like that? Randolph Carter? Is that you?

  55. Naga,

    I’ve read most of Lovecraft, but none of these candy snippets come close to the feel. “Non-euclidian” is completely out of place. It’s used in an attempt to invoke a Lovecraftian tone, but it completely fails.

    There are a lot of candy makers in Massachusets, especially out west, where Puritan settlers lived for generations out of contact with their Boston brethren. What darkness crept into their rites? What secrets do they cloak with their overt pieties? Why the furtive darting eyes wherever nougat is sold. The candy reviews evoke none of this.

  56. Lovecraft famously referred to an architecture based in non-Euclidean geometry in The Call of Cthulhu, and perhaps in other stories as well.

  57. Yeah, the non-Euclidean geometry appears in “At the Mountains of Madness,” too, I think. (That’s my personal favorite Lovecraft.)

    As funny as I thought these descriptions were, the Nietzsche Family Circus totally blew away the pseudo-Lovecraftian candy recipes.

  58. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet.

    One is called ” The New Hampshire Primary”

    http://adamant.typepad.com/seitz/2008/07/if-nominated-you-will-be-served.html

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