Come The Rapture: Can I Have Your Car?

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Are you worried that when the Rapture comes you will not have time to let your sinful loved ones know that you've been snatched away to heaven?

http://quadri.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/70srapture.jpg

Well, fortunately there is now an online solution to this pressing problem. The website--You've Been Left Behind--is offering "a Rapture triggered" email service that will alert your friends and family to your heavenly departure. The proprietors explain how their service works:

We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

We give you 150mb of encrypted storage that can be sent to 12 possible email addresses, in Box #1. You up load any documents and choose which documents go to who. You can edit these documents at any time and change the addresses they will be sent to as needed. Box #1 is for your personal private letters to your closest lost friends and relatives.

Let's hope that three of the team members are never together in a tragic automobile or airplane accident. The cost for the service? Just $40 for a year.

Hat tip to D.A. Ridgely.

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  1. Dammit, wish I’d thought of this.

    Just goes to show, P.T. Barnum was right.

  2. I support the The Rapture. “Bye, bye, fuckheads… Don’t let the material world hit you on the ass on the way out…” I’d finally be able to sin in peace.

  3. Somewhat related – In the LotR movie commentary, at the moment Frodo told his friends he was never coming back, Billy Boyd, who played “Pippen” said “can I have your bike?”

    I was laughing for about ten minutes.

  4. Let’s hope that three of the team members are never together in a tragic automobile or airplane accident.

    Because then they wouldn’t be able to come up with another way to fleece suckers. That’s where you’re going with this, right? You don’t think that they actually “log in” to anything, do you?

  5. This is the greatest scam ever conceived.

    Bravo.

  6. What is amusing, really, is that these folks are so sure that their souls are pure and they WILL be Raptured!

    That sort of confidence is so refreshing!

    ha.

  7. According to that picture, only skinny, white teens in skimpy outfits are eligible for the rapture…

  8. Incidentally, isn’t the whole ‘logging in’ thing pretty, well, done? I think it was a concept in ‘Lost’ wasn’t it?

  9. Shit Taktix, you beat me to it. That chick with the sweater kittens would have me praying for all the wrong reasons.

  10. I had no idea the Rapture would be so, um, perky.

  11. I thought Rapture had something to do with an alien descending and eating various things and people. How is an email to the uneaten going to help? Damn, but Christian theology is baffling.

  12. I had no idea the Rapture would be so, um, perky.

    Well, it is called The Rapture.

  13. Come The Rapture: Can I Have Your Car?

    Not if The Rapture’s soundtrack is Blondie:

    And it comes right down and lands on the ground
    And out comes a man from Mars
    And you try to run but he’s got a gun
    And he shoots you dead and he eats your head
    And then you’re in the man from Mars
    You go out at night, eatin’ cars
    You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
    Mercurys and Subarus
    And you don’t stop, you keep on eatin’ cars

    So, I might need my car as a food source.

  14. I’d stay behind just to look up their skirts.

  15. Whoever’s behind/under her would really be ascending into heaven.

  16. Left behind. Right behind. That behind right there in the middle…

  17. Even more refreshing is the apparent belief that so many of their loved ones are hell bound.

  18. That chick with the sweater kittens would have me praying for all the wrong reasons.

    I wouldn’t want to be downskirt of that steamin’ hot cum-dumpster on the way up to heaven. That would suck ass, getting up there and not having a material dick to flog.
    No matter anywho. I’ll be right down here during the Rapture, going through her panty drawer.

  19. [butthead laugh]

    Yeah, it’s not called The Sag-ture.

    [/butthead laugh]

  20. What is amusing, really, is that these folks are so sure that their souls are pure and they WILL be Raptured!

    That sort of confidence is so refreshing!

    Actually, I really liked how they only had enough confidence to declare rapture if 3/5 go missing. They couldn’t even find 5 people with pure enough souls that at least 4 would certainly be raptured.

  21. Even more refreshing is the apparent belief that so many of their loved ones are hell bound.

    That’s what I thought as well. What a bunch of self righteous ass holes you’d have to be to use this service. And if my understanding of the rapture is correct, that graphic would be grossly overestimating the number of people who’d go to heaven at the Rapture.

  22. When the aliens come and beam up all the morons for food like in V, it’ll look just like this.

    “It’s The Rapture! We’re ascending to Hea…AAAIIGHHHHHHHHH!!!”

  23. What’s interesting is that the “triggering mechanism” requires only 3 out of the 5 team members to be missing, considering the possibility that, at most, 2 of them might not really be Christians anyway.

  24. Sure as hell beats The Rupture.

  25. Epi,

    “It’s a cook book! A COOK BOOK!”

  26. Sure as hell beats The Rupture.

    Wasn’t that a track by DJ Aneurysm?

  27. I guess some of the clients wouldn’t be properly appreciative if the system employed hardcore atheists to manage the triggering.

  28. Anywhoo, the post-rapture party for all you unworthys will be at my house. There will be plenty of booze, pot, and sex, and what ever other eeeevyil you can bring.

  29. Question: If I buy this service and I don’t end up going to heaven like I thought I would, do I get at least a partial refund?

  30. Remember folks, lots of people believe this cartoon is a fair representation of what is to come.
    Lots of old people.
    In swings states.
    People who vote.
    Who’s laughing now?

  31. “The Visitors are not our friends! They’ve come to rape our planet and kill us! They are NOT who they appear to be!”

  32. I hope the “Left Behind” e-mail includes that crazy dancing banana mocking your friends who weren’t pure enough to be Raptured.

  33. Epi,

    Ever notice that more and more women are wearing these? It’s all coming true!

    They are here to eat our guinea pigs, goddammit! Evil fucking space lizards!

  34. the rapture
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rapture_%28band%29

    they suck. there’s apparently a finish black metal band by the same name. i will assume they suck too.

    dj rupture, on the other hand, is pretty damn awesome.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dj_rupture

  35. I wish I still had the URL for this, but I read an interesting blog by an evangelical-but-not-crazy Christian who was reading the Left Behind books and offering page-by-page commentary.

    He points out that the protagonists are very big on saying that their Raptured friends and family, aren’t dead, they’ve gone to Heaven. The guy points out (I’m paraphrasing), “We’ve got a word for people who no longer exist on Earth, and are now in Heaven: ‘Dead.’ This whole insistence that you can somehow go to your afterlife without actually dying is both weird and seems kind of pathological. But let’s be clear: this novel postulates a world in which God killed all the good people.”

  36. In case you’re wondering how close we are to The Rapture, you can check out The Rapture Index.

    Today’s forecast: Fasten your seat belts

  37. You guys forgot the best part. From the original article:

    “In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys,” the site says.

    That’s what really frightened me. Also that the people running the site are completely anonymous.

  38. Guys, this is serious!

    The rapture index is at 168, which is almost the highest it’s been in 4 years!

  39. Damn you MP!

  40. “I may bring the neighborhood down, but they’ll eat it!”

  41. In fairness, I think I’d better pass the “hat tip” credit off to some unindicted co-conspirators at an undisclosed location. (You know who you are.)

  42. Tribulation-schmibulation.

    I’m staying right here where all my friends are.

  43. As the denim skirt and Gilligan hat indicate the rapture occurred in 1985.

  44. One hopes the big guy doens’t change his mind half-way up. That would be a bit of a mess for the heathens to clean up.

    I would laugh my ass off if a glitch triggered a premature execution. “No really, I’m not risen to heaven. Gimme my stuff back.”

  45. I’m staying right here where all my friends are.

    The best part of the Rapture will be the glorious opportunities to mock all the sanctimonious assholes that didn’t make the cut.

  46. As a post-millenialist, I’ve never understood where this “beam me up” crap came from. It’s certainly not in the Bible. Reading the Wikipedia article on the rapture, I find:

    The rise in belief in the “Pre-Tribulation” rapture is sometimes attributed to a 15-year old Scottish-Irish girl named Margaret McDonald (a follower of Edward Irving), who in 1830 had a vision that was later published in 1861.

  47. The rapture index is at 168, which is almost the highest it’s been in 4 years!

    I love this tidbit:

    06 Interest Rates:
    The Federal Reserve lowers rates by 1/2 of a percent.

    Sub prime mess = Wrath of God. Pray the Fed doesn’t move another 1/4 point.

  48. Are these people saying that there are so few real believers that it wouldn’t be notable if they all suddenly disappeared?

  49. mattcid-

    I can’t find that part about banking info on the site. Where did you find it?

  50. Encrypted, you say? Hmmmm (scratches beard thoughfully)…

  51. sixstring-

    There is a mash-up of Blondie and the Doors called ‘Rapture Riders’ – a superb mash-up if there ever was one!

    For sinners only though…

    I think Debbie Harry got her Rapture recently – I THINK I saw her obit… not sure though.

    She is with Jim Morrison and Jeebus now…..

  52. JW: That kind of thing has already happened. There have already been a couple services that do basically this, minus the religious angle – you have to check in every week (day, month, whatever) or the deadman switch is triggered and automatically sends out your precomposed email. Needless to say, long before any user of the service actually dies, some doofus forgets to check in, and then he has to run around explaining that he’s not really dead, and dealing with the embarrassment of whatever revelations he made in his “final” email. At least these guys are smart enough to require multiple triggers.

  53. evangelical-but-not-crazy Christian

    That does not compute.

  54. I recall that a few years ago there were some self-identified atheists offering a similar service with the promise that they’d still be here to carry out the wishes of the ascended. Maybe this is the same group (at least the 2 of 5) with better marketing. Believers generally don’t trust atheists to keep their promises.

  55. thoureau-

    An article from Wired appeared on Fark earlier today with the shady details. I assumed it was the source here. Worth reading.

  56. According to that cartoon panel, everyone in the Rapture has great perky tits.

  57. shrike,

    You’re probably thinking of Wendy O Williams of the Plasmatics. Also very perky in her day.

  58. The shame of it is that rapture is a false doctrine.

  59. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period.

    This is so absurd that it makes me wonder if they really are True Believers.

    How do they know that 3 of their 5 team members are going to get Raptured? My understanding is that the choice of who gets Raptured is beyond mortal ken.

    And why do they need this kind of trigger? Won’t it be pretty frickin’ obvious when the Rapture happens?

  60. Guys, the three of five thing totally makes sense (well, you know, if you’re crazy enough to believe in the Rapture in the first place).

    Sure, some of their team might not be killed in the Rapture, in which case they could just kick it off manually. But, upstanding fellows that they are, they want to complete their contract even if everyone on their team is Raptured. So they need a fail-safe.

    But they don’t want it to be just “this one guy has to log in every day,” because, you know, what if he gets hit by a bus? You don’t want people’s rapture-mail to go out then.

    So, you do any three of five people have to log in. That way, barring a disaster which gets a bunch of them at once, it won’t go out by accident (and, you know, they can go camping away from internet access without sending out their rapture email), but if everyone is Raptured, the service still works.

  61. These guys aren’t even original. http://postrapturepost.com/ has been up and running for over a year – even the USA Today did an article – http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2007-05-08-post-rapture_N.htm.

    I have more “faith” in the atheists to not be raptured than this system of delivery. And the atheists offer more reasonable rates.

  62. Apparently the rapture will cause everyone’s legs to open.

  63. If you want to mock a religious belief, at least get it straight. No one will be raptured because their soul is “pure enough” as some of you have written.

    The prerequisite for being raptured is confessing your sins, and accepting Yeshua’s sacrifice, and living at the right time.

  64. blog by an evangelical-but-not-crazy Christian

    I’ll check into that after I finish the blogs of the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster. Evangelicals are by definition wingnuts.

  65. If this is a joke, then it’s brilliant, and I am jealous of its creator.

    If not, then I am still jealous, but only because of the blissful ignorance that must result from such a batshit crazy belief system.

  66. shrike,

    You’re probably thinking of Wendy O Williams of the Plasmatics. Also very perky in her day.

    Very astute, rimfax.

    I got my psuedo-celebrity blondish alternative singers all confused.

    Poor Wendy offed herself, I now see.

    What a drag it is getting older…..

  67. I’ll do it for half the price and I don’t need the fail safe measure since I’m not going. I wouldn’t take a trip anywhere with those people.

  68. Reinmoose | June 4, 2008, 4:30pm | #

    Guys, this is serious!

    The rapture index is at 168, which is almost the highest it’s been in 4 years!

    Thats because the fundies think Bobama is going to be the mongrel antichrist leader who merges with the UN and forms the OWG, and prompts the rapture, apocsyclips, 4 horsemen, et al

    Dude, I need to figure out how to get in on this scam.

  69. I wish I still had the URL for this, but I read an interesting blog by an evangelical-but-not-crazy Christian who was reading the Left Behind books and offering page-by-page commentary.

    slacktivist.typepad.com, run by Fred Clark.

    He’s not that evangelical, hence not that crazy. It really is worth a look, he demolishes those books, both theologically and stylistically. Sure anyone intelligent could theoretically do that since the books are so awful, but Fred’s Christian perspective really highlights how stupid the authors are. They don’t even understand their own nonsensical religion, never mind the real world.

  70. This could actually be a serious public safety issue if a significant fraction of airline pilots are Saved. Perhaps we should only allow the irretrievably damned to become pilots, just to be safe.

  71. Dear Chris:

    What if you’re in the middle of taking a crap? Do you get to finish, or do ya gotta go before you’re finished going?

  72. Catholics don’t believe in a pre-Judgement Rapture, DG, though of course the Last Judgement itself is an integral part of the Faith. So I don’t pretend to have any knowledge or desire for knowledge of the details. I’m only here to make fun of it like the rest of you. 😉

  73. Though I am curious, given the highly skewed distribution of bust sizes in that cartoon, whether busty women are saved at a higher rate or the glorification aspect of the Rapture makes your boobs grow.

  74. This could actually be a serious public safety issue if a significant fraction of airline pilots are Saved.

    I was subjected to a lot of born-again Christiandom growing up. Questions like this would come up, and the answer (delivered in a tone of voice in which the superficial concern could not conceal the underlying smugness) would be, “Yes, it’s sad, but, all of the non-saved passengers on the plane would die.”

  75. When I was in college the phone system we had in the dorms had the ability to allow you to schedule voice mails up to six months in advance of them actually being delivered to a persons voice mail. This made for great fun at 3am on the weekends, and I was blown away that we could do it. However, this email-after-the-Rapture-thing makes it seems as if we were dealing w/ the goddam Pony Express.

    From the Left Behind website:

    “Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture.”

    Apparently the Left Behind people don’t have the “they” correctly figured out if they believe that everyone will be distraught that all the Christians just up and left.

  76. “What if you’re in the middle of taking a crap? Do you get to finish, or do ya gotta go before you’re finished going?”

    The answer to that question can be found in the Book of Doodieronomy.

  77. Great T-shirt slogan:

    “You got raptured, I’m banging your daughter.”

  78. vanya-
    great link. but wow, almost five years worth of posts. That’s a Han Qing-jao level of thoroughness.

  79. Oh man, oh MAN. This is almost exactly like the idea I had for rapture insurance for your loved ones who might be (god forbid) left behind. Only $10 a month, with massive payouts in case of rapture!

    I thought people wouldn’t be dumb enough to buy this, but I may have to reconsider.

  80. I thought when we get raptured, we leave our belongs behind. Aren’t clothes belongings? We don’t need them in heaven. I want that cartoon re-drawn correctly, so I have something to work with…

  81. One more question. On the Rapture Index, the forecast is “Buckle your seatbelts.” How does one ascend if one is buckled into a car? Do evangelicals drive without seatbelts?

  82. I really think they’re just hoping some poor sucker puts bank account info in their “encrypted” box so that loved ones will be sent info on safe deposit boxes, etc. I’d like to see if anyone has money siphoned out of their accounts through this thing. Honestly, if they’re falling for a scam like this, they deserve it..

  83. “The prerequisite for being raptured is confessing your sins, and accepting Yeshua’s sacrifice, and living at the right time.”

    Oh, well, yeah, then it makes a lot more sense…

  84. What the Christians believe about the rapture:

    http://www.raptureready.com

    Here are examples of these “left behind letters”. People can read through them to get the overall idea of what they are trying to tell people (even if it is just for entertainment):

    http://www.raptureready.com/leftbehind/rr-left-behind.html

  85. How does one ascend if one is buckled into a car?

    Have you seen the end of “Repo Man” or “Southland Tales”?

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