Sex

I Blame Gay Marriage

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Man caught having sex with picnic table. Fortunately, prosecutors have dropped the felony (!) charges.

Rick Santorum was right. Gay marriage has put us on the slippery slope to men having relations with deck furniture.

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  1. Aah, I’ll never forget that magical summer with the lawn chair, when I became a man.

  2. In his defense, he did clean it afterward.
    But how does a table say “no”?

  3. I read about this somewhere else… He has been added to the sex offenders list now, because he lives in sight of a nearby school. The news crew went knocking on his door, but his family wouldn’t speak about it. So the crew went and asked people driving by, who felt he shouldn’t be free, and felt threatened by him.

  4. like the guy in the UK who had sex with his bicycle?

  5. It was a felony because the picnic table was underage. The man later said that the sight of the table gave him a real woody…

  6. Now he’ll have to keep at least 1000 feet away from Home Depots.

  7. Did the picnic table offer exposed boobs, like the cops were doing earlier in the year in order to catch men heinous enough to be excited by the sight of a woman’s breast?

  8. He was probably just checking the fit for his patio umbrella. You can never be too sure.

  9. I don’t know what’s more disturbing: that the guy went on his deck and used his picnic table as a blow-up doll, or that his neighbor waited until he had THREE DVDs of evidence before turning it over to the cops.

  10. ed | April 3, 2008, 8:12am | #
    Now he’ll have to keep at least 1000 feet away from Home Depots.

    shoots! scores!!!

    well challenged, Sir!

  11. At least he had the common decency to bring it inside by the fireplace for their anniversary.

  12. Picnic tables are like fat chicks. They’re fun to ride until your neighbor sees you on one.

  13. so what, he was board? and he nailed it?

    while listening to the Carpenters?

    /slinks off

  14. I don’t sleep with tables because they are usually as flat as a board.
    And about 10? a screw.

    Aah, I’ll never forget that magical summer with the lawn chair, when I became a man.

    And the neighbors became horrified.

  15. Wait…isn’t it his picnic table???

  16. When you make sex with furniture illegal only illegals will have sex with furniture

  17. The breakfast table, his former stilted, wooden lover, felt like a complete sap in the hole affair, pining away for a man who never treated her right.

  18. This is plane awful. Let’s table this discussion.

  19. Wait…isn’t it his picnic table???

    I guess you’re positing some sort of table slavery? Sicko.

    It’s not an issue of whether the table consented to sex, but if that consent was enthusiastic. Anything other than an enthusiastic “YES” from the table, means he raped that poor table.

    What if he goes after some underage TV tray next time? What will you jokers say in defense of that?

  20. In Soviet Union picnic table screws you!

  21. This is why I always read H&R first thing when I get to the office.

    Next I read LRC to see if they have any new outrage over the fact that Reason isn’t *really* libertarian.

    If it weren’t for work, I would never be able to catch up on all my forum reading…

  22. Well, as long as he wasn’t having sex with the patio umbrella! That would be unnatural!

  23. Wait a second – if he’s in his BACK yard, I’d have to see the configuration of the lot before deciding who the real pervert is here.

    Because if his neighbor is peeking over the top of fences or hedges to videotape this guy masturbating, what does that say about the neighbor?

    Between the two neighbors, “Guy Who Jerks Off In His Secluded Back Yard [And Uses A Picnic Table]” and “Guy Who Will Secretly Videotape You In Your Secluded Back Yard” I have to go with B being the worse neighbor and the guy who shouldn’t be near an elementary school.

  24. Next I read LRC to see if they have any new outrage over the fact that Reason isn’t *really* libertarian.

    Man, it didn’t take long today. First blog post of the day over there. Obsess much, guys?

    Sorry for the attempted threadjack.

  25. In re: neighbors peering over backyard fences.

    I have one neighbor who works outdoors so he installed an outside shower in order to wash the muck off himself before he goes into the house. It’s enclosed on all 4 sides, and they have a high fence. Their neighbor put a second story on their house. Apparently from the second story, it’s possible to see this guy showering. But only if you stand on your tiptoes and peer straight down. How neighborly…

  26. Felony charge for this guy; slap on the wrist for the man who ordered the strip search of a 13 year old girl. God bless America.

  27. “Loooove is a maaaany spliiiintered thing!”

    And I second Fluffy. It’s the guy with the camera I’d worry about.

  28. This is why I always read H&R first thing when I get to the office.

    Next I read LRC to see if they have any new outrage over the fact that Reason isn’t *really* libertarian.

    If it weren’t for work, I would never be able to catch up on all my forum reading…
    With the exception of the time when I tried stand-up comedy when I was 12 years old, the fact that I used to take Lew Rockwell seriously is one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done.

  29. Putting this guy on the sex offenders list is only going to make it impossible for him to support his family. Won’t someone PLEASE think of the benches?

  30. It is an interesting question; can you be charged for public indecency if no one sees you in the act in an otherwise public place? I am not really sure. This case nothing to do with these guys being gay. They could have been a straight couple and still would have no business having sex in a public place. My guess is that they should be charged. It is doing the act in a public place that is the crime, not being seen. Ultimately, get a damn room and this won’t be a problem. I have a hard time having much sympathy for anyone who feels the need to have sex in public parks.

  31. With the exception of the time when I tried stand-up comedy when I was 12 years old, the fact that I used to take Lew Rockwell seriously is one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done.

    Meh. We’ve all been there with someone, Rockwell, Rand, Rothbard. (Holy Crap! Look at all those R’s. There’s a conspiracy here somewhere) You want real embarrassment, pull out the music you listened to in high school! Besides, it’s not like you were a Bircher.

  32. I guess you’re positing some sort of table slavery? Sicko.

    Obviously, we need Congressional action against furniture trafficking.

  33. John –
    You didn’t read it properly did you?
    The phrase was “having sex with picnic table,” not on picnic table.

  34. Meh. We’ve all been there with someone, Rockwell, Rand, Rothbard. (Holy Crap! Look at all those R’s. There’s a conspiracy here somewhere) You want real embarrassment, pull out the music you listened to in high school! Besides, it’s not like you were a Bircher.
    …Well, actually…

  35. If you can still find it, the Fark thread about this incident was LOL funny. I mean really, really, LOL funny. Don’t read it if you don’t want people asking about your snickering.

  36. Sonofa…. I just posted about this on my own blog, thinking “no way did anyone see this story out of Toledo”, knowing that as a local I had a scoop….

    And of course, Reason comes through, bringing much more effective funnay.

    Jerks.

  37. Usually misdemeanors, the charges were felonies in this case because Price lives within view of an elementary school and the alleged acts could have been seen by a minor

    What is the right age to see a guy fuck a table?

  38. Actually, thinking about it for real, back in high school I did consider becoming both a Bircher and a member of a communist society at the same time, just because of the irony of it all.

  39. You want real embarrassment, pull out the music you listened to in high school!

    Listened to Rush then (early 80s), listen to Rush now. Also listened to Sabbath, Zeppelin, Deep Purple and Kansas then. Simply bored by them now. The guys who should be embarrassed are the ones who were listening to Journey and REO Speedwagon then.

  40. What is the right age to see a guy fuck a table?

    35. Then you could use it as fresh anecdote while running for president.

  41. Listened to Rush then (early 80s), listen to Rush now. Also listened to Sabbath, Zeppelin, Deep Purple and Kansas then. Simply bored by them now. The guys who should be embarrassed are the ones who were listening to Journey and REO Speedwagon then

    How is Kansas any better than Journey or REO Speewagon? I find Sabbath painful now – awful rhythym section, really stupid lyrics, but my kids like them. If you’re bored by Zeppelin you’ve got issues – Bonham is still one of the great rock drummers of all time and rewards repeated listening. Same goes for Rush – some of the lyrics may seem embarrassingly adolescent when you get older (2112?), but the musicianship holds up.

    You can never be embarassed by the Who or the Stones.

  42. Good thread. I give it ????.

  43. The Table Fuckers.
    That wouldn’t make a good name for a band.

  44. Well, the age of the table wouldn’t matter if they were in Arkansas

  45. Aw, c’mon, she’s out there with that skimpy coat of polyurethane, just asking for it…

    I swear, she was picnic-table-going-on-thirty.

  46. Fantastic thread, fellas. I can always count on you for a smile and a good, inappropriate laugh.

    My coworker and I (we’re alone in the office today and can speak freely on such topics) wonder why he couldn’t find an appropriate partner *in* the house.

    The vacuum cleaner hose, for example. Not being male, it isn’t immediately apparent to me what else he could have used. Perhaps you boys can help.

    Then the conversation devolved to talk about people of whom we’ve heard tell… those who show up at emergency rooms with frozen hot dogs or light bulbs broken inside them. Or those rumored to have used foodstuffs to lure various domestic pets. Which talk further devolved into a discussion of why, if you’re gonna stick food in your twat, would you go for something as small and unsatisfying as a hot dog? Even a bratwurst would be unsatisfactory.

    Go for the cucumber or zucchini, at least.

    And with that, I’ll return to work.

  47. Not that David,

    What vanya said. Plus, like practically all the arena bands, REO’s early stuff is the good stuff. Riding The Storm out hold up and is a worthy effort.

    That said, classic rock is but one lake in the many seas of music. You should spend some time sailing in other waters. I mostly listen to jazz these days.

  48. That said, classic rock is but one lake in the many seas of music. You should spend some time sailing in other waters. I mostly listen to jazz these days.

    Try the big bands. Our ancestors taste in music was every bit as good as ours.

  49. Try to focus please, Warren. We’re talking about fornicating with furniture here.
    If Coltrane didn’t fuck an armoire we don’t want to hear about it.

  50. If you’re bored by Zeppelin you’ve got issues

    Bored through repeated listening, as with practically all classic rock. LZ’s last album of new material was when? Agreed about their musicianship however (although Jimmy Page is *way* overrated. He’s so damn sloppy).

    To my ear, Kansas fell more on the prog side of things than arena rock.

    You should spend some time sailing in other waters.

    Agreed. The only Rush I’m really listening to these days is Snakes and Arrows. The band I’ve been getting into most heavily lately is Porcupine Tree.

  51. If Coltrane didn’t fuck an armoir we don’t want to hear about it.

    Didn’t he?

  52. The vacuum cleaner hose, for example. Not being male, it isn’t immediately apparent to me what else he could have used. Perhaps you boys can help.

    Most are born with two perfect partners at the end of each arm. One for regular use, and the other, an interesting stranger.

    I still can figure out the allure of fucking the table. I assume that he used that umbrella hole, but that doesn’t seem like it has any of the dimensions that would make it pleasurable at all, let alone for more than one use.

  53. If Coltrane didn’t fuck an armoir we don’t want to hear about it.

    Didn’t he?

    No, you’re thinking of Miles Davis and a nightstand. But he was really strung out at the time.

  54. I got way bored with pop/prog/metal before high school. Punk was interesting somewhat, but even dumber in most ways. By HS, I had a brief stint with fusion, until I found were all those guys got their inspiration, and jumped into jazz.

    It seems kind of odd even to me, but these days I listen to lots of remix club oriented stuff.

  55. Does anyone listen to Love Line and hear about “the coach trick”?

  56. Nightstand?

    Pevert.

  57. Does anyone listen to Love Line and hear about “the coach trick”?

    I don’t listen to Love Line, but I’ll assume (because it’s fun) that the coach trick has something to do with a Coach bag. Man, that leather is supple. But only for the first couple of rendezvous. After that, not so much.

  58. Was the felony charge for beating the hell out of that umbrella that keeps moving in on his shorty?

  59. No wait, it’s called the “couch trick.” The coach trick involves Mike Ditka.

  60. IF YOU GET MY INNUENDO

  61. Dude, I wouldn’t want to get you innuendo if you paid me.

  62. Well, at least now we know why the slope is slippery.

  63. No wait, it’s called the “couch trick.” The coach trick involves Mike Ditka.

    I thought that was a mustache ride?

  64. …(although Jimmy Page is *way* overrated. He’s so damn sloppy).

    Wait a minute there buddy. How can you overrate the third best guitarist to ever play for the Yardbirds?

    Oh yeah, easily.

  65. If Coltrane didn’t fuck an armoir we don’t want to hear about it.

    Didn’t he?

    No, you’re thinking of Miles Davis and a nightstand. But he was really strung out at the time.

    The way I heard it, it was Charlie Parker with a La-Z-Boy.

    Hey, you think this might be an urban legend? Like the thing about Rod Stewart?

  66. Dear Radley;

    Based on your Rick Santorum comment, you seem to be assuming that it was male picnic table. How do you know it wasn’t a female?

  67. Oh with the table. You know sometimes my mind assumes people are more normal than they are.

    On the question of music, I find that Led Zepplin is the one hard rock band from my youth I still appreciate. I think that has more to do with the quality of John Paul Jones and John Bonham as muscicians than anything else. As I have gotten older and am more astute as listening to music the more I appreciate how subtle and interesting those two were as musicians. The same goes for the Rolling Stones. Charlie Watts and Bill Wyman are both wildly underrated musicians.

  68. Based on your Rick Santorum comment, you seem to be assuming that it was male picnic table. How do you know it wasn’t a female?

    A gingham table cloth does not a female table make. Haven’t you been to drag furniture shows before? I swear an endtable had me completely fool until I noticed the size of “her” veneer.

  69. They posted his mug shot on the internet, he will be forever known as “The guy who had sex with the picnic table”, I think that he has been punished enough.

  70. When sex with picnic tables is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex with that hot, brown, sultry teak table – you know, the one that is wide in the bench, but than again, I like a lot of wood (heh heh) in my table.

  71. Am I the only one here enough of a geek to point out that this guy must be a furny?

  72. I think that he has been punished enough

    No doubt, how do you live that down?

  73. No doubt, how do you live that down?

    Edward’s done OK for himself.

  74. I think that he has been punished enough

    Well, wait till that table gets a lawyer.

  75. I just feel bad for the poor women who someday gets set up on a date with him and bothers to google his name.

  76. The worst part is that, with all of the picnic tables out there to choose from, he had sex with the ugliest one!

  77. Oh with the table.

    That would be O with the table.

  78. I can’t understand what would drive someone to furniture
    sex.

    That being said, my toilet does enjoy the occasional golden shower.

  79. Prohibition will just drive it underground. I predict a black market and thousands will die.

  80. At this very moment Congress is working on the
    Anti-Furniture Fucking and Protecting Our Children Act of 2008.

  81. I graduated from my picnic table to fornicating my Total Gym.

    Talk about getting on a slippery slope.

  82. If this isn’t the clearest case for legalized prostitution, then i’m certain i will be amazed at the next one.

    Peace and long life,
    T’Surakmaat

  83. I’m from Toledo. Yes. The people are that weird.

    Also, the guy had three DVDs?!?!?

    Who stands there and films three dvds worth of material.

  84. Damn, this thread is awesome.

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