Foreign Policy

Smurf Nazis Must Die!

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OK, maybe that should be Smurf Nazi sympathizers since the story is set in Croatia, home to the infamous Ustachi (the things we do for strained headlines…)

File this one

 under freedom, horrible, horrible freedom:

Though they had managed to gather 395 Smurf-a-likes in one place, this Croatian attempt to smash the record turned out to be a waste of time.

Shoddy research meant they believed they only had to get 291 'Smurfs' in one place to clinch the prized record.

However they managed to overlook one vitally important fact.

A new record had actually been set by students at Warwick University last year where they had managed to round up a grand total of 451 Smurfs.

More, including headlines about being blue-faced, here.

The UN bombs Smurf village (finally, a mission we can all get behind):

http://www.spike.com/video/2681621

NEXT: Obama Supports Marijuana Decriminalization

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  1. Chamillionaire is officially a one-hit wonder, no lies.

    But I’m still waiting for the next Solja Boy hit single to drop. I know it coming.

  2. The bombing link was a 9.5.
    Bravo.

  3. During the cold winter of 1946 former leaders of the third reich met in Argentina to discuss plans for regaining their former glory. They knew that for any plan to succeed other nations would have to lose their will to fight. They decided to create a cartoon character to embody the ideas of niceness and peacefulness and called it a SMURF.

    SMURF stood for Secret Military Undergorund Resistance Force. They planned to infect the children of enemy nations with their peaceful ideas. And so it began.

    Now in the present their plan is almost complete, and they are starting their propaganda campaign in the bastion of freedom, the United States of America.

    You, Smurfbutcher Bob, were captured while trying to destroy the Smurf’s precartoon ancestors. You have been taken to their Ontario headquarters, Castle Smurfenstein, for interrogation. You must escape, kill as many of the blue bastards as possible, and steal the plans to operation Smurfkreig. If you fail hordes of smurfs will sweep across the world spewing peace sloags and pumping people full of bullets.

    When you were being brought to the castle you were able to talk one of your Canadian guards into giving you his gun (not too hard, eh). You also saw some Smurfy Security guards with bulletproof vests and some smurfberry bombs which could be used as grenades to blow the smurfs into infinity.
    You can’t fail: YOU MUST ESCAPE
    YOU MUST WARN THE WORLD
    YOU MUST GET HOME IN TIME FOR DINNER.

  4. I’m almost 100% certain that the Smurfs were, in fact, full-blown Communists.

  5. Yep. Google “Smurfs and Communists”. The evidence is irrefutable.

  6. No way guys!

    Those 395 blue-skinned people are PERFECT for a whole slate of LP candidates.

  7. Wouldn’t they be more of an autonomous collective? Or the cult of Papa Smurf?

    DON’T DRINK THE BLUE KOOLAID

  8. It’s sign of freedom on the march when this many people have the wealth and support to waste this much time…

  9. Hahaha, the more I read about Eastern Europe the more it sounds like a really awesome place. Shame about the whole nearly-incomprehensible language thing.

  10. Smurfette is a slut.

  11. Smurfette is a slut.

    Oh no Papa Smurf, take it out! It’s too big!

  12. Actually smurfs have private property. Only the land is owned by everyone, so they are geo-libertarians.

  13. Shoddy research meant they believed they only had to get 291 ‘Smurfs’ in one place to clinch the prized record.

    However they managed to overlook one vitally important fact.

    A new record had actually been set by students at Warwick University last year where they had managed to round up a grand total of 451 Smurfs.

    Research must have been handled by Brainy Smurf. He’s always fucking things up like this.

  14. “Actually smurfs have private property. Only the land is owned by everyone, so they are geo-libertarians.”

    I hate geo-libertarians.

  15. …and no one’s yet linked to this (NSFW!) bizarre bit of underground pop culture? Color me shocked.

  16. I hate NSFW!

  17. Hi, I’m Gilbert Gottfried, and tonight on USA Up All Night, we’ll be showing the 1987 classic, “Surf Nazis Must Die,” followed by “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama.”

  18. What a bunch of losers. Here in Central Florida we break the records that matter. Last week we broke the record for most people playing with their yo-yo’s at the same time. Take that, smurfettes. And yes, I hate yo-yo’s.

  19. I told them they needed 452! In fact, I told them repeatedly until I was blue in the face.

  20. Blue-faced? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    Yeah, that “libertarianism” thing was a funny joke, wasn’t it?

  21. Watch out, Lonewacko! There’s a Mexican behind ya!

  22. Yep. Google “Smurfs and Communists”. The evidence is irrefutable.

    So Azreal was a capitalist?

    And what about the soccer/Christmas/anything plastic smurfs that populated every grocery store check out counter for 10 years and that seemed to have nothing to do with the cartoon accept they sort of looked alike and they were both called smurfs?

  23. Why do I feel like the Technoviking is lurking just out of frame?

  24. TECHNOVIKING DOES NOT LURK JUST OUT OF FRAME.

    THE FRAME LURKS JUST OUT OF TECHNOVIKING.

  25. I hate Technoviking!

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