The Deadliest Thing Since (Thinly) Sliced Bread

Will no government agency regulate the thickness of sliced bread in Britain? 

The House of Lords has been listening with interest to a call for thick slices of bread to be cut down to size.

Baroness Gardener said: "I speak as a member of the All-Party Group on Obesity. Why is it that in central London you can hardly find a thinly sliced or medium-sliced load of bread to buy, and any sandwich you buy in any supermarket is now made with thick bread?

"While the House of Lords continues to use medium-sliced bread - and very nice bread - in its sandwiches, even the House of Commons has moved to thick bread.

"Surely at a time when we want to reduce people's consumption, there should be more pressure from the Food Standards Agency, or one of the many departments the Minister speaks about, to take us back to normal-sized bread instead of these super-sized sandwiches."

Via Kip Esquire.

Comments

[lunchstealer]

They have texas-toast envy.

[Anonymo the Anonymous]

If the House of Lords doesn't like the thickness of their sliced bread, they can just move somewhere else.

[Mr. Nice Guy]

I'm usually one of the more pro-regulation guys on this site, but WTF?????

[Reinmoose]

Surely at a time when we want to reduce people's consumption...

There's that word again!

[Reinmoose]

ok, in my above post it's not as clear as maybe it should be, so the word referenced is "we."

[Episiarch]

It's funny because a Baroness wants to control the personal eating habits of the peasants.

[well, actually]

Let them eat (less) cake.

[Baroness Gardener]

Don't let them eat cake!

[Fluffy]

Baroness:

Step 1: Buy unsliced loaf of bread.

Step 2: Pick up serrated knife.

Step 3: ????????

Step 4: PROFIT!

[Earl of Sandwich]

How did I get dragged into this?

[robc]

The Earl brings up two interesting questions (at least to me):

1. Is there a current Earl of Sandwich?
2. Is he in the House of Lords?

[robc]

wikipedia provides:

As of 2007 the titles are held by his eldest son, the eleventh Earl, who succeeded in 1995. Lord Sandwich is one of the ninety elected hereditary peers that remain in the House of Lords after the passing of the House of Lords Act 1999, and sits as a cross-bencher.

[Guy Montag]

The answer is quite simple. Thinly sliced bread does not absorb enough lard to be considered a proper item on an English sammich.

[Franklin Harris]

It's funny because a Baroness wants to control the personal eating habits of the peasants.

And because she evidently wants to put the peasants on Atkins.

[First Little Pig]

Ah Jeez-Louise, a "cross-bencher"! Among the upper crust even! My word.

[J sub D]

Baroness Gardener said: "I speak as a member of the All-Party Group on Obesity. Why is it that in central London you can hardly find a thinly sliced or medium-sliced load of bread to buy, and any sandwich you buy in any supermarket is now made with thick bread?

Get a job, you useless parasite!

[Pro Libertate]

I blame the Scottish sword ban. People simply cannot make their thick slices any thinner!

[sage]

You know, now that you mentioned it, I've noticed the french fries over here appear to be much longer than they used to was.

[NoStar]

This is proof that English liberty is toast!

[Reinmoose]

Baroness Gardener said: "I speak as a member of the All-Party Group on Obesity. Why is it that in central London you can hardly find a thinly sliced or medium-sliced load of bread to buy, and any sandwich you buy in any supermarket is now made with thick bread?

The Baroness continued: "I, personally, have never been to a supermarket. But this is what I've been told from very reliable sources. Some of my sources have even eaten one of those sandwiches."

[LibertyPlease]

This is proof that English liberty is toast!

We're on the same facist path, I wonder if Americans will be equally cowardly ninnies, or if we'll have another tea party. I vote tea party. Soon.

[Pinette]

is a Baroness an elected office?

[Pro Libertate]

Why, yes, Pinette, a Baroness is one of the Elect.

[Earl of Sandwich]

And now they're dredging up the cross-bencher thing?

Look, it was my experimental phase, and I was very drunk. . .

Wait a minute, I don't have to explain myself to a commoner!

[Abdul]

I wonder if Americans will be equally cowardly ninnies, or if we'll have another tea party. I vote tea party.

Out: tea parties

In: All-Party Group on Obesity

[Jammer]

I hate it when Rush Limbaugh is right about something.

[Guy Montag]

I hate it when Rush Limbaugh is right about something.

See? I told you so!

[J sub D]

[J sub D]

Oops!
I hate it when Rush Limbaugh is right about something.

Even a blind pig ...

Full disclosure - I used to listen to him while commuting. He can be funny, but he's morphed into a Republican party shill.

[David]

"I speak as a member of the All-Party Group on Obesity. Why is it that in central London you can hardly find a thinly sliced or medium-sliced load of bread to buy, and any sandwich you buy in any supermarket is now made with thick bread?"

Because people have shown a preference for buying thickly sliced bread? Nah, that couldn't be it. Must be a supermarkets and bread consortium demanding fewer slices per loaf to trick people into buying more loaves at the expense of their health.

[dbust1]

I was gonna make some comment about 1776 and "Up the rebels! Down the British!" but then I read LibertyPlease's 2:19 comment and got nauseous.

[x,y]

NoStar | December 11, 2007, 2:10pm | #

This is proof that English liberty is toast!

We need a ruling. Does this win the thread? Or lose it?

[robc]

x,y,

Bad puns hitting the center of the target?

Thats an easy win.

[Other Matt]

I'm partial to NoStar's views in general, so I'd declare at least a tie with Wiki calling someone a "Cross-bencher". In a perfect world, what one does with their own ass is their own business, but the term reeks of hilarity on it's face.

[Pro Libertate]

What does this do to my right as an Englishman to unsliced bread?

[LibertyPlease]

I was gonna make some comment about 1776 and "Up the rebels! Down the British!" but then I read LibertyPlease's 2:19 comment and got nauseous.

Ninnies it is 🙂

[lunchstealer]

I used to listen to him while commuting. He can be funny, but he's morphed into a Republican party shill.

And he's remained largely unchanged since 1994.

[lunchstealer]

What does this do to my right as an Englishman to unsliced bread?

Doesn't this violate the second law of thermodynamics?

[Andrew G.]

Good bread has a surprisingly large amount of calories. Half the sandwich's calories can be in the two slices...

[NoStar]

Re: Tea party. Another Tea Party is coming on December 16:

http://www.teaparty07.com/
-----

I'm partial to NoStar's views in general

Other Matt,
Those words have been foreign to my ears for over 50 years, but things are changing. In 1988, I knew most everyone who voted for Ron Paul in the State of Washington. Today, it is impossible to keep track of all of his supporters in my hometown.

[ChrisO]

Give me liberty or give me thickly sliced bread.

[Guy Montag]

Isn't the right to thick sliced bread in the Magna Carta?

[Dread]

But, think of the bureaucrats, man. There's patronage and dollars to be made!

First, we'll need to hire inspectors to raid bakeries with a set of rulers to make sure that no slice is thicker than 2cm, and slap 200 pound fines on the scallywags who try to meet market demands.

Those bloody free-thinking obesity peddling anarchists.

[Taktix?]

I'm surprised the Onion wasn't on this sandwich... story.

[Dr. No]

Well isn't thick bread one of the causes of global warming? Since fat people use more fossil fuels to drive their fat asses around town, since they can't walk or bike. Wait, let me check my copy of Earth in the Balance....I'll get back to you. Feel free to nominate me for a Nobel in the meantime.

[brotherben]

I can see em now in the back alleys talkin through the peephole in the door.

"Gimme a couple slabs of thick sliced bread and a chubby chaser"

[Guy Montag]

brotherben,

Even worse, BACK ALLEY BREADSLICERS!

[agares]

Silly, but isn't nice to live in a century where the greatest threats are things like thick bread and hand full of Islamist nuts, instead of the Black Death and the Mongol Hordes.

[Episiarch]

So if I find my bread to be sliced too thin, can't I just use two slices on each side of the sandwich?

The Baroness, being an aristocrat and of superior breeding, is clearly far more intelligent than me.

[British Obesity Nanny]

If you eat too much meat, you can't have any bread pudding!

[Pro Libertate]

What's wrong with us, anyway? Back when men were free, they sliced their own danged bread. With the daggers that God meant them to have. All this talk of how thickly bread should be sliced by state-regulated bread slicers just demonstrates our accelerating slide into decadence. I'm sickened.

[lunchstealer]

Even worse, BACK ALLEY BREADSLICERS!

Keep sandwiches safe and legal!

[Nigel Tufnel]

No, no, no, no this....look, look, look, there's a little problem with the... look this, this miniature bread. It's like...I've been working with this now for about half an hour. I can't figure out...

[Dangerman]

Nigel wins the thread, and turns it to 11.

[Pro Libertate]

Interestingly, the actor who portrayed Nigel Tufnel was Christopher Haden-Guest. Yes, that would be the Baron Haden-Guest! Who slices his bread? Other than Lady Haden-Guest, when she's not insulting Kevin Kline or baring her assets for Dan Aykroyd. Or screaming.

[MadTom]

Even worse, BACK ALLEY BREADSLICERS!

I imagine it's quite difficult to slice bread with a coathanger.

[the most eligible landowner in]

I'm a gigantic brain!

[J sub D]

...instead of the Black Death and the Mongol Hordes.

I dunno, some of those Mongol Hordean women were really hot!

[M]

Any way you slice it, here's always be an England:

"Mr. Limbkins, I beg your pardon, sir! Oliver Twist has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Limbkins. "Compose yourself, Bumble, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Bumble.

"That boy will be hung," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that boy will be hung."

[M]

there'll, even

[R C Dean]

Lord Sandwich is one of the ninety elected hereditary peers that remain in the House of Lords

Am I the only one struggling with the idea of an elected hereditary office?

[Baylen Linnekin]

This idiocy has a history that goes back hundreds of years. I'm working on a piece that discusses (among other things) assizes of bread in England and the U.S.

[thoreau]

R C-

As oxymoronic as an "elected hereditary" peer may sound, IIRC when the House of Lords got rid of most hereditary peers they voted on which ones to retain.

This was supposed to be step 1 toward a House chosen in some manner more sensible than a mix of Prime Minister appointments and hereditary seats. But no progress so far on step 2.

[Pro Libertate]

Wasn't Jean Valjean convicted for stealing bread? I wonder if it was thickly sliced?

[J Cleese]

"Bring out your obese!...Bring out your obese!

"But I'm not obese yet!"

"Well- you soon will be!"

"No, I won't...I only weigh 145 pounds."

[Malto Dextrin]

A sure sign of the decline of the Empire:

Bread crusts left on the Baroness' cucumber sandwiches.

[*]

So...uh...this was a big joke, right? Right?

[SuperMike]

Don't you get it, this is really pro-freedom? I mean when a fellow can't even get thinly sliced bread anymore, things are dire indeed.
I told them that the house of lords provided a necessary restraint on the frivolous house of commons back in '99; Did they listen? No!

[TomR]

FUCK OFF, I LOVE KINGSMILL MALTED THICK GRAIN

oh and the principal of individual rights