But If They Really Want To Stop the Spread of STDs, They Should Put Abe Beame[*] on the Thing


New York–modern Rome, Gotham, Fun City–is ready to take the most successful municipal p.r. campaign ever ("I Love New York") to new heights (or lows) by introducing an offical Big Apple condom:

New York City hands out 1.5 million free condoms a month in ordinary wrappers, and health officials figure people would be more likely to actually use them if the packaging were more distinctive

"Brands work, and people use branded items more than they use non-branded items, whether it's a cola or a medicine, even," Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden said.

Frieden, who obviously has taken a Learning Annex course or two (or maybe just watched the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail), suggests that one of the possible designs for the wrapper could be a map of the NY subway line because, you know, there's nothing sexier than stinking underground tunnels with trains running through them 24/7.

More here.

[*] Mandatory Headline Allusion Explainer: Abe Beame, who died in 2001, was mayor of New York for one term, from 1974-1977, arguably the city's bleakest period (at least in recent history). He is a known contraceptive prophylactic.

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  1. …because, you know, there’s nothing sexier than stinking underground tunnels with trains running through them 24/7.

    Best double entendre ever.

  2. So the Big Apple has become the Big Banana?

  3. If they intend to use the subway map, they should make sure to get a license from the MTA.

  4. If we want a condom that helps us last a long time before ejaculation, they should name one after my local line, the F Train. Because that one takes forever to come, too.

    But I’d hesitate before naming one after any of our local sports teams, since they all seem to break under pressure these days.

    How about naming condoms after local politicos? If you wanted a rubber that would swell and swell and swell, but never burst, perhaps we should imprint it with a picture of the Congressman who’s reputedly the nation’s fattest–Manhattan’s Gerrold Nadler? (That would probably be the best contraceptive of all, since it would certainly make both partners lose interest in sex altogether.)

    Finally: Abe Beame was a known contraceptive? Sorry, you lost me on that one. (I do recall a line about Abe’s son Laser, who was there to cut through all the red tape . . .)

  5. obligatory f line bagels link:

    the mta is the most emotionally insecure monopoly of all time.

  6. So now he’s a prophylactic? That makes even less sense to me.

  7. I’m sorry, but a condom named “F Train” would sell like hotcakes, even without the punchline (Takes forever to come!). Kudos to Drew.

  8. R C Dean,

    It could be a whole line of contraceptives!

    Just Another Girl on the IUD. Pull In Case of Emergency Contraception.

  9. No, Warren, he was an ugly fuck. That’s why his visage would act as a contraceptive (by making women keep their pussies far away from his fugly mug).

    Jeez, was that so tough?

  10. Abe Beame, who died in 2001, was mayor of New York for one term, from 1974-1977, arguably the city’s bleakest period ……

    Musicallly this was arguably the best period in the city New York Dolls, Dictators, Ramones,etc

  11. Cool!

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