Religion

Thought for the Day

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"It's almost like this Wicca shit doesn't even work."

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  1. Someone’s channeling the Onion opinion page with this.
    Still, freakin’ hilarious.
    Now, if only we can get someone to write, “It’s almost like this Christianity shit doesn’t work.”

  2. Why are you blogging about trivia like this instead of the keeping-our-handicapped-daughter-child-sized story out of Seattle?

  3. “Now, if only we can get someone to write, “It’s almost like this Christianity shit doesn’t work.”

    Okay I will bite. I tried playing with snakes to show my faith. I just got bit. I tried faith healing the dog, Rover died. I sent $300 to the guy on TV in hopes of finally getting that managment job, still unemployed. Sometimes I think Jesus doesn’t love me.

  4. “Why are you blogging about trivia like this instead of the keeping-our-handicapped-daughter-child-sized story out of Seattle?”

    That story is so horrible, I am not sure anyone can think about it long enough to make an intelligent comment.

  5. It doesn’t work if your faith isn’t strong enough

  6. Your wish has been granted.
    3rd comment:

    Everyone with any kind of basic intelligence knows that Wiccans don’t sacrifice animals. So either you’re a dumbass for making fun of them for doing so, or you’re a dumbass for thinking they do in the first place.

    Why are you making fun of people for having faith? Does it harm you? Are Wiccans coming up to you and bugging you about it? Is it somehow more prevalent in your town that Christianity?

    “It’s almost like this Christianity shit doesn’t even work. I’ve spent so much money on goddamned bibles and church donations and all other kind of whatnot. The worst was the deluxe study bible and silver cross, not cheap. Not to mention the knee bruises and other injuries sustained from praying and shit. I just don’t undertand, I got all the instructions from one of those preachers who wears robes and goes on mission trips. I mean, he would know right?”

    Jay said this on January 3rd, 2007 at 7:18 pm

  7. If it weren’t for gullibility, the whole economy would go down the toilet. We shouldn’t laugh at the Wiccans; they’re the same people who buy all the other shit.

  8. I realize you’re quoting someone else, highnumber, but I can’t resist:

    Why are you making fun of people for having faith? Does it harm you?

    Is that the rule now? You can’t make fun of someone unless they “harm you”? I mean, never mind the fact that an argument could be made that faith does harm people, what with the legislation of morality and such, but still… Someone needs a sense of humor.

  9. OH YEAH, what the hell happened to the “What Republicans should do now” (Whatever the actual title was)?????

  10. In any case, people who believe we should abolish the state and sell the streets without a shred of evidence that such an arrangment would work have absolutely nothing on the Wiccans.

  11. Ted,

    Who are these “abolish the state and sell the streets” folks you talk of? Anarchists? Why bring them into this discussion?

  12. Who are these “abolish the state and sell the streets” folks you talk of? Anarchists? Why bring them into this discussion?

    The libertarians that live in my head.

  13. If someone can’t tell the difference between metaphysical beliefs and unpopular political beliefs, I really don’t think they’re worth responding to. But knock yourselves out if you want.

    Anyway the best part of the link is the comments section. A Wiccan or two gets upset about the ridicule of “the world’s oldest religion” (who knew?), people respond telling them they have no sense of humor, and then we get this:

    “This was REALLY funny… See, some Pagans DO have a sense of humor!”

    See, she said it was REALLY funny! What a personality!

  14. Wicca works. Just find a Wicca chick (takes awhile to find a cute one, but they’re out there), feign interest, remove clothes, let nature take it from there. Works all the time.

  15. Man, it’s almost like this Islamic shit doesn’t even work…..

  16. Verily, there are some utter dolts running around. I doubt the author was seriously suggesting that Wiccans sacrifice cats or chickens. The author probably did believe that the references to animal sacrifice made the piece funnier. Correctly so.

    Ted: I’ve asked this of some other trolls, and never gotten a response, but I’ll give you a shot. What is it you think you’re accomplishing here? Are you trying to demonstrate to us that we are stupid and you are brilliant? Do you get an ego boost out of trolling here?
    If you want to argue, I recommend actually addressing things that people here say or believe.

  17. Odd how Dan T. and Ted are never in the same room at the same time. I don’t think they are the same though. Ted has proven angrier than Dan. Anger is a sign of a weak mind. Dan my be trolly, but he is clever. Ted… not so much.

  18. The only true religion is worship of the free market. It works for everybody, except those who don’t sacrifice enough to it.

  19. Not that sounds like Dan.

  20. Look, I am clever. See how I just made that witty sock puppet? Take that libertards.

  21. Oh, and #6, my life is so empty that any attention is welcome. You see, I’m just a sad small man.

  22. Ted: You may or may not be a sad, small man. I don’t know. But certainly act like it here.

  23. PRIEST:
    Send the handkerchief, lord, so that it may
    wipe us clean. We ask this in your
    precious holy name…

    CONGREGATION:
    Achoo.

    PRIEST
    [raises hand to nose then lowers it in timeworn gesture]
    Bless you.

  24. That should be “you certainly act like it”

  25. “That should be “you certainly act like it”

    Hey, now. There’s no reason to bring the Person Of The Year into this.

  26. If it weren’t for gullibility, the whole economy would go down the toilet. We shouldn’t laugh at the Wiccans; they’re the same people who buy all the other shit.

    Holy shit, Ted’s a Keynesian!

    I shouldn’t be surprised, Keynesianism is an incoherent, internally inconsistent system that is based on unrealistic assumptions and ignores actual reality (in that its prescriptions for nurturing economic growth inevitably cause stagflation).

    In other words, it should fit in nicely with the rest of Ted’s worldview.

  27. “then dump the chicken blood on my head”

    Was it a female chicken that was currently laying eggs? It won’t work with the blood of a rooster or a sterile hen.

  28. Number 6

    You mean you guys don’t want to abolish the state and sell the streets? Geeze, I’m sorry.

  29. Ted

    Some of us believe in aboishing the state and selling the streets, but we don’t like to argue in print because our lips get sore.

  30. C’mon, Number six, for all you know, I’m a large happy woman. But seriously, don’t you think the economy would suffer if consumers were less gullible?

  31. Tarran

    How can you draw any conclusions about my worldview from what I’ve posted here?

  32. Ah….posting under my name and responding to that post. Cute, Ted. Why not go and see if Mom will let you play outside for a while?

  33. #6:
    awesome! Do you think Ted is in the same group home as Jimbo, “Truth”, and “Bob”?

    “Ted” really is a “WTF” type of person.

    Cab:
    I’d bet that’s Jane’s new nom d’ intertubes.

  34. It’s almost like this libertarian shit doesn’t work. I’ve spent so much money on goddamned Ayn Rand and L. Neil Smith books and all other kind of whatnot. The worst was the 1st edition Adam Smith book and colloidal silver treatments, not cheap. Not to mention the pinhole burns in my shirts and other injuries sustained from smoking weed and shit. I just don’t undertand, I got all the instructions from one of those guys who puts linux stickers on his car and listens to Rush. I mean, he would know right?

    I hope so, because this is the third time I’ve been to him and he keeps giving me more and more things to do. Now, apparently, I need to post lame pop-culture references on some website and then give money to the Cato whatsit. He only tells me what I’m doing wrong afterwards. He’s not that great with directions. Sometimes I wonder if he’s leading me wrong on purpose. I Don’t know why he would do that though. I apologized for calling him a smelly hippy at the HR meeting in front of everyone.

    Now I need to check CNN to see if the damn ceremony worked this time. Getting unBushed should not be this hard.

  35. #6, don’t you know that by responding to trolls you are asking for this kind of shit? Just sayin.

  36. Is Number six pretending to be Ted or the other way around?

  37. I think there’s a single third party posting as both of them just to fuck with people. You can tell, because imposter ted is stupid, but funny. And real ted isn’t funny.

  38. Ed- Someone (I’m presuming Ted)posted the comment about arguing in print under my name. Up until now, the rest of the Number 6 comments are mine.

  39. It seems that Ted’s email is either ted@irateleft or ted@limpleft. Bets on who’s the real Ted, if there is such a person?

  40. I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you, Kramer, are real. But your life is Peterman’s. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman, which is you.

  41. Mr. 6, you can tell someone’s posting as Ted when the email address is ‘@limpleft.com’ instead of ‘@irateleft.com’.

  42. Okay, is this an anarchist site? Are some libertarians anarchists? Please enlighten.

  43. Number 7: Go do number two!

    (jeezuz! this is starting to look like a SPECTRE convention)

  44. Ted: You may or may not be a sad, small man. I don’t know. But certainly act like it here.

    You guys don’t know from sad or small.

  45. “It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work.”

    I think I speak for everyone–at least everyone who counts–when I say: NOOOOOO, REALLY???

  46. Well, since we’re all wasting bandwidth, anyway, I’d just like to say I’m glad Paul is still alive. Been wondering.

  47. What’s wrong with you (people)? It’s not political commentary! It’s just a nice little story. All pretty derivative Kafkaesque stuff, but often pretty entertaining (“Fantasyland,” fer ‘nstance). Besides, the author isn’t making fun of Wicca, he/she (creo que es una chica) is making fun of the narrator.

  48. I can tell y’all that this Satanic shit doesn’t work either. I’ve offered my soul for every conceivable vice. I started out expensive, offering my soul for for $10,000,000.00. But in the end, I thought that might be hubris and thus, kind of expensive since I am kind of a slob.
    But then I offered my soul for a pound of primo BC skunk bud. I figured that was as low as I could go and still maintain some self esteem. Nada. Not a god damn thing. Fuck Satan.

  49. Troy-

    Santan alread owns your soul. I think you need to be saved before you can sell it back. Just a thought.

  50. My sister did the same shit in my parent’s house when she still lived there. They still can’t completely get the pentagrams of all the walls, doors, and windows. Whatever she used to put that shit up is just about impossible to get off the only way to cover the wall was to paint it. The only way to get them off the doors was to replace them. And the windows look like they will have to be replaced as well.

  51. well as the author of the derivative, kafkaesque story that this blog post was about, I feel I am qualified to say that ted, ed, #7, #6, the libertarian party, john keyne, john locke, and long john silver, (the restaurant, not the pirate) are in fact all the same person.

    So for whatever that’s worth……

  52. Okay, is this an anarchist site? Are some libertarians anarchists? Please enlighten.

    No. Yes. You’re welcome.

  53. Pigwiggle:

    Eh, not worried about it. I just took the money I was going to use to buy a new I-pod and called the 700 Club donation line. They assured me that Pat Robertson would personally talk to I-am-who-I-am and said that Pat could get my soul back in a jiffy.

  54. “It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work.”

    Twenty bucks says this person is a proud member of the reality-based community.

  55. They assured me that Pat Robertson would personally talk to I-am-who-I-am…

    Wait? Yaweh is Popeye?

    …and said that Pat could get my soul back in a jiffy.

    That’s what you think. Robertson traded your soul for some ALF Pogs at the comic book store.

    You remember ALF? He’s back, but in Pog form!

  56. Actually, I didn’t see the original piece knocking Wiccans. It appeared to be more of a salute to ingenious revenge against narrow-minded bitches everywhere.

  57. I’d just like to say I am impersonating all of you and the party is quite excellent…

  58. Don’t these cases of possession suggest that Wicca does work?

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