Tickle Me Sullum

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Reason's own Jacob Sullum is becoming legendary for his O'Reilly Factor appearances. The latest issue of Esquire has a list (not available online, alas) of the most memorable eruptions by the Zeus of Mt. Loofah and the tally includes part of this hilarious, vein-popping Socratic dialogue between Gentlemen Bill and the author of Saying Yes: In Defense of Drug Use:

O'REILLY: Look, you irresponsible libertines cause so much damage to this society, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I'll give you the last word.

SULLUM: Well, my message is not a message of libertinism. It's a message of responsibility, and I'm saying we should apply responsibility across the board, regardless of the current legal status of the substance and that…

O'REILLY: Let me break this to you gently, all right.

SULLUM: … temperance is better than abstinence as…

O'REILLY: Getting intoxicated is not responsible. Let me break this to you. Getting intoxicated is not responsible.

SULLUM: So you don't drink.

O'REILLY: Correct.

SULLUM: You don't drink coffee. You never drink alcohol. You don't smoke cigarettes.

O'REILLY: Oh, stop it. I'm not even going to get into it. I'm not a hypocrite. Mr. Sullum, you're not either. You want to get stoned, have a good time. Don't get in a car, and don't come near my family.

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That's from a show that originally aired on May 28, 2003. And just this past Sunday, the NPR quiz show, Wait, Wait…Don't Tell Me, cited the same episode during a segment in which Sesame Street's Elmo and puppeteer Kevin Clash were asked questions about O'Reilly's unwillingness to, in fact, give guests the last word. Check out the audio by clicking on the Not My Job audio link and going to about 10 minutes in.

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  1. Mr. Gillespie, you’re a leather-jacket wearing Benedict Arnold that wants to let terrorists into our country and hijack English and replace it with some other banana-boat language. I’ll give you the last word. Maybe.

  2. I remember Nick having some good appearances on O’Reilly’s show, especially the one where he got Bill to admit he was OK with medical pot, something I’m sure is not on Bill’s personal highlight reel.

  3. I’d love to see someone go on his show and just ask “why?” for every point when O’Reilly goes off on one his rants.

  4. Serious question: why the hell does anyone even bother going on his show anymore? Y’all know damn well how he’s going to behave, so unless you’re trying to sell a book with a title like “Why George Bush Is The Bestest President Ever,” WHY do you BOTHER?

  5. Just don’t attack Christmas on his show, remember there’s a “war against christmas” now. Nick, next time you go on, if its before the end of the year, wear a santa hat!

  6. Nick Gillespie, you’re an irresponsible throwback to the 60s, you weaken our national character, and you’re leading our country down the path to capitulation against the Islamofascists.

    I’ll give you the last word, but I’m going to have to interrupt you.

  7. At least O’Reilly doesn’t spin anything.?

    ?Twisting things out of all possible recognition is not “spinning”. No sirreee!

  8. I’m not going to let you spin me mr gillespie.

  9. Reason’s own Jacob Sullum is becoming legendary for his O’Reilly Factor appearances.

    My lord. I’m thinking of becoming legendary for pushing blunted nails through my scrotum as slowly as possible. I don’t have Jacob Sullum’s fortitude.

  10. also, I say lets all smoke a fat doobie to Jacob for his courage under the most lecturing morialistic asshole on the planets vien popping rants. *lights one* yeah thats the shit………

  11. Have any of you had the misfortune to watch Glenn Beck? He makes O’Reilly look like a normal,levelheaded, down to earth by comparison.

  12. You want to get stoned, have a good time. Don’t get in a car, and don’t come near my family.

    There’s a guy who trusts in his big, burly studio security to protect his delicate nose, I’m sure.

  13. Hmm, considering what Jennifer said. I’m thinking that Jacob or Nick should bring along a santa hat and a white beard the next time they go on O’Reilly. Once he allows one of his usual buddies (Newt, maybe) to start talking you should have plenty of time to put your Santa outfit on. Then, when the discussion eventually comes around to you, just say “Don’t spin me! I’m Father Christmas!!”

  14. Once he allows one of his usual buddies (Newt, maybe) to start talking you should have plenty of time to put your Santa outfit on. Then, when the discussion eventually comes around to you, just say “Don’t spin me! I’m Father Christmas!!”

  15. next time you go on, if its before the end of the year, wear a santa hat!

    If I were trying to come up with the most prominent symbol of the secularization of Christmas, I could not come up with a better choice than Santa Claus. Red-blooded (and -faced) Christians like Mr. O’Reilly should fight against the crass god of materialism and greed that Ole St. Nick has become, with all their might. Jesus is the Reason for the Season, Heathen. 😉

  16. Sullum must have the proverbial patience of a saint, because I couldn’t deal with someone that snide, asinine, and condescending.

    It’s probably a good thing that his guests aren’t with him in the studio. If he talked to me like that, and he was within arms reach (or pistol range), I swear he’d be a “good” fascist newscaster.

  17. Stevo Darkly
    That’s $15 you owe me for my ruined keyboard.

  18. Nick, that’s the best “pithy” description of O’Reilly I’ve ever heard: “the Zeus of Mt. Loofah”

  19. I actually saw that exchange. Do I win something?

  20. If I were trying to come up with the most prominent symbol of the secularization of Christmas, I could not come up with a better choice than Santa Claus. Red-blooded (and -faced) Christians like Mr. O’Reilly should fight against the crass god of materialism and greed that Ole St. Nick has become, with all their might. Jesus is the Reason for the Season, Heathen. 😉

    Yeah, that’s why next time you should appear on O’Reilly with fake nail puncture wounds in your wrists and a big painted-on gash in your side, wearing nothing but a torn loincloth. To represent non-secularization, of course. ^_-

  21. E. Stevens,
    very very well put.
    If Bill O’Reilly is a moron, Glenn Beck’s “brain” is made out of feces and horse semen.

  22. When O’Reilly tells his audience to make their comments pithy, is he thpeaking with a lithp?

    BTW, what makes O’Reilly think Jesus would want a dirty old man defending His birthday?

  23. Watching O’Really or taking up ferreting?….tough question.

  24. Does anybody have any video of Jacob’s or Nick’s appearences? I check youtube and video.google but couldn’t find anything…

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