Must have been the Evil Kirk…

Rest easy, unquiet spirit of Daniel Smith. Peter Rydyn, the United Kingdom's dogged yet mysteriously unpublished "Retributor," will let no darkened byways of ambiguous celebrity-related deaths go unspelunked.

Rydyn, temporarily forced by collusion in the media/entertainment/law enforcement complex to act as his own publicist, writes to inform me that his investigation into the murder of Nerine Kidd-Shatner is ongoing. Details, in Rydyn's inimitable Welsh-inflected English:

Rumours began to surface that William Shatner and his latest wife Elizabeth Martin, had started seeing each other at the beginning of his marriage to Nerine. Elizabeth Martin, had a similar interest in horses, It was no coincidence that Nerine was never allowed to visit Shatner's horse farm in Kentucky. Shatner saw Nerine, as an obstacle and a liability, he wanted to move on.

THE PLAN.

Note; Nerine was a social drinker, but her associates/friends observed a noticable increase in her drinking during the marriage. Shatner escalated Nerine's alcohol intake tacitly and directly, to damage her image as a wife, thus attracting sympathy to his martial plight. His tactics were initially focussed on generating a favourable divorce settlement as Nerine was instrumental in introducing Shatner to Jord Poster's Priceline.com, a business that saw him earn a significant income…

THE MURDER.

Shatner's violent intentions began to manifest themself within a short time. In the Spring 1999, Nerine confided in a beautician that her life was under threat from her husband. 3 months before she was killed Shatner struck her in the face and left a considerable gash. she told a friend Shatner had demanded a divorce, she refused, violence ensued. This incident was covered up. On May 26, a member of the public filmed Nerine distressed during a para-sailing session, she exclaimed to Shatner 'I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO'. This video is available to the media…

Nerine, duly arrived at her house unexpectedly, Shatner, surprised was furious, their housekeeper claimed she was so drunk she had to be helped to eat, this is not true…

The murder took place near the pool, he hit her several tiimes then a final push sent her falling to strike her head against the pool side, semi-conscious, Shatner then held her head under water to force a drowning…

On his return that evening, Shatner firstly made a call to someone associated with her rehab, and asked her where his wife was (A fatal error, as he knew where she was). The associate suggested he look in the pool, returning to this call, he then said he had found her. A call only made to reinforce his ignorance…

His imaginary choice of seeing her at the deep end, is an unusual occurence in domestic pool deaths…

At the funeral Shatner was overheard in conversation to Nerine's mother, she requested to him that some of Nerine's ashes be scattered in Boston harbor, Shatner replied 'would you like an arm or a thigh'—an inditement in itself…

NOTE. Her surviving sister was bought a property by Shatner, she now lives in the state where Shatner's horse farm resides Kentucky. Nerine's brother is unaware of this purchase…

Telephone Peter Rydyn on [phone] his website www.retributor.com

I'll admit it's frighteningly easy to envision T.J. Hooker's beefy face turning carnation-pink as he struggles to hold his victim underwater, and I've always thought it strange that Shatner murder theories were not more popular. But I'm not the best judge of this kind of thing. I was once such an OJ Simpson fan that for a while my opinion was What are the lives of a couple of useless Hollywood sleazes next to all the good the Juice has done? (Don't get me wrong, I think those Colombian drug lords should be punished for Nicole's murder.) Here's Shatner's version of events and a transcript of his hysterical, "Turnabout Intruder"-style 911 call. "I shall be back in LA soon to reveal more," Rydyn concludes.

Related: Justice denied, Day 9,411. Stephen King still at large 26 years after murdering John Lennon.

The Retributor may be tough, but Dave Thomas' "Intimidator" could subdue criminals using nothing but his withering British put-downs.