Must have been the Evil Kirk…

|

Rest easy, unquiet spirit of Daniel Smith. Peter Rydyn, the United Kingdom's dogged yet mysteriously unpublished "Retributor," will let no darkened byways of ambiguous celebrity-related deaths go unspelunked.

Rydyn, temporarily forced by collusion in the media/entertainment/law enforcement complex to act as his own publicist, writes to inform me that his investigation into the murder of Nerine Kidd-Shatner is ongoing. Details, in Rydyn's inimitable Welsh-inflected English:

Rumours began to surface that William Shatner and his latest wife Elizabeth Martin, had started seeing each other at the beginning of his marriage to Nerine. Elizabeth Martin, had a similar interest in horses, It was no coincidence that Nerine was never allowed to visit Shatner's horse farm in Kentucky. Shatner saw Nerine, as an obstacle and a liability, he wanted to move on.

THE PLAN.

Note; Nerine was a social drinker, but her associates/friends observed a noticable increase in her drinking during the marriage. Shatner escalated Nerine's alcohol intake tacitly and directly, to damage her image as a wife, thus attracting sympathy to his martial plight. His tactics were initially focussed on generating a favourable divorce settlement as Nerine was instrumental in introducing Shatner to Jord Poster's Priceline.com, a business that saw him earn a significant income…

THE MURDER.

Shatner's violent intentions began to manifest themself within a short time. In the Spring 1999, Nerine confided in a beautician that her life was under threat from her husband. 3 months before she was killed Shatner struck her in the face and left a considerable gash. she told a friend Shatner had demanded a divorce, she refused, violence ensued. This incident was covered up. On May 26, a member of the public filmed Nerine distressed during a para-sailing session, she exclaimed to Shatner 'I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO'. This video is available to the media…

Nerine, duly arrived at her house unexpectedly, Shatner, surprised was furious, their housekeeper claimed she was so drunk she had to be helped to eat, this is not true…

The murder took place near the pool, he hit her several tiimes then a final push sent her falling to strike her head against the pool side, semi-conscious, Shatner then held her head under water to force a drowning…

On his return that evening, Shatner firstly made a call to someone associated with her rehab, and asked her where his wife was (A fatal error, as he knew where she was). The associate suggested he look in the pool, returning to this call, he then said he had found her. A call only made to reinforce his ignorance…

His imaginary choice of seeing her at the deep end, is an unusual occurence in domestic pool deaths…

At the funeral Shatner was overheard in conversation to Nerine's mother, she requested to him that some of Nerine's ashes be scattered in Boston harbor, Shatner replied 'would you like an arm or a thigh'—an inditement in itself…

NOTE. Her surviving sister was bought a property by Shatner, she now lives in the state where Shatner's horse farm resides Kentucky. Nerine's brother is unaware of this purchase…

Telephone Peter Rydyn on +44 7932 726708 his website www.retributor.com

I'll admit it's frighteningly easy to envision T.J. Hooker's beefy face turning carnation-pink as he struggles to hold his victim underwater, and I've always thought it strange that Shatner murder theories were not more popular. But I'm not the best judge of this kind of thing. I was once such an OJ Simpson fan that for a while my opinion was What are the lives of a couple of useless Hollywood sleazes next to all the good the Juice has done? (Don't get me wrong, I think those Colombian drug lords should be punished for Nicole's murder.) Here's Shatner's version of events and a transcript of his hysterical, "Turnabout Intruder"-style 911 call. "I shall be back in LA soon to reveal more," Rydyn concludes.

Related: Justice denied, Day 9,411. Stephen King still at large 26 years after murdering John Lennon.

The Retributor may be tough, but Dave Thomas' "Intimidator" could subdue criminals using nothing but his withering British put-downs.

NEXT: This Is Not My Beautiful Fascism!

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. I am 99% sure that Shatner is innocent.

    Unless it turns out that she died from the Vulcan Death Grip.

  2. Why didn’t he just use a phaser set to disintegrate so there would be no body?

  3. “Unless it turns out that she died from the Vulcan Death Grip.”

    If you had seen that episode you would know that there actually is no such thing as the Vulcan death grip. It was a trick. Geez man, wake up!

  4. caleb,

    Who are you, Nurse Chapel? Back off before I smack you with the Ahn-woon.

  5. The link in that article points to a web site that says
    “PETER RYDYN is planning to stage a press conference in Los Angeles on Shatner’s birthday (22MAR06), during which he’ll ask police to re-open the file on Kidd’s apparent suicide after presenting them with new evidence that suggests foul play.”

    Well, it’s already Sept 06….what happened to the press conference?

  6. Apparently in Wales they have no idea how to use a comma.

  7. It’s all quite simple. She needed to die. Otherwise, she was going to found a peace movement that would allow Islamofascists to develop the fusion laser first and proceed to world domination, thus preventing the advent of the Federation.

  8. Can anybody account for Ricardo Montalban’s whereabouts at the time in question?

  9. Can anybody account for Ricardo Montalban’s whereabouts at the time in question?

    KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

  10. I AM KIROK!!!!!!!

  11. ChrisO,

    Why yes, yes I can. He was in Corinth, fondling some rich, local leather.

  12. One of the high points on the old, good Letterman show was when he got Ricardo Montalban to admit that Corinthian Leather was just a name they made up for the commercial.

  13. “his martial plight?”

    Dude.. Captain Kirk fought on the side of Abraham Lincoln! He almost beat up Spock.

    He had no “martial plight!”

  14. Tim,

    Ah, the glory days of Letterman. Garr in a shower, Chris Elliot making lives a living hell, Melman extolling the virtues of the “magnificent smell of men enjoying themselves” (yes, he actually said that, and no, I don’t care to elaborate).

    It’s funny, but I can still hear Montalban saying “rich, Corinthian leather” in my head. It’s so compelling. Wish I was sitting on a chair so upholstered. It’s one of those things that should be real, even if it isn’t.

  15. Well. It turns out that he didn’t say “rich Corinthian leather”. Rather, he said “soft Corinthian leather”. How do I know? Why, I watched the old Cordoba commercial on YouTube, natch 🙂 I love that site and its infringing ways.

  16. “Apparently in Wales they have no idea how to use a comma.”

    I think you mean, “Apparently in Wales they have no idea how, to use a comma.”

  17. Like Peter Rydyn, I am also a licensed Private Investigator. There are some details concerning the death of Nerine Kidd that do not correspond with an accidental drowining. It was all too convenient to have her body cremated. Even if Shatner did not drown his wife with his own hands, her death was certainly arranged. Everyone is capable of murder, and William Shatner had more than one motive to get rid of Nerine Kidd.

  18. This is bullshi*!
    Great Uncle Bill loved Nerine Kidd Shatner , his beloved wife and he had nothing whatsoever to do with her accedental drowning, Aunt Nerine was a sick woman and sadly downed valiums with a bottle of Vodka…
    no more crap from you sir.

    Sophia

  19. does anyone care that this woman has been dead for over ten years and that her death has some very strange aspects to it?

    Sophia, what do you think of what Mr. Shatner purportedly said to Nerine’s mother at the funeral? While not necessarily the speech of a guilty man, it certainly (if true) is the speech of a non-sorry man.

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.