Flat Daddy Never Says to Clean My Room

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Jim Henley pegs it: This story is so intrinsically bizarre that any further commentary is redundant. [x-posted @ NftL]

NEXT: Crow Eating Contest

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  1. I wonder if Jonah Goldberg posted anything about playing with his daughter today.

  2. This is quite possibly the creepiest thing I have ever seen in my life.

    Now for some comments:

    Jim Judkins had at least one precarious moment as a cutout. When cousins tried to stuff him into a suitcase to take on a cruise, they broke his neck. But instead of expensive surgery, all the cutout needed was a little duct tape, Judkins said.

    I…I..I am at a loss for words. I thought I could come up with something witty, but…nothing.

    And the kid in that photo is 14! 14! He is in for a world of psychological problems, assuming they hadn’t already surfaced years ago with a family like that.

    Suddenly I’m in the mood to watch Mannequin.

  3. I guess if people like them, it’s not really a problem; but you’ve still got to admit that’s pretty bizarre on a very fundamental level.

  4. So, why not send Flat Troops to Iraq?

  5. I guess if people like them, it’s not really a problem; but you’ve still got to admit that’s pretty bizarre on a very fundamental level.

  6. “He goes everywhere with me. Every day he comes to work with me,” said Judkins, who works in a dentist’s office. “I just bought a new table from the Amish community, and he sits at the head of the table. Yes, he does.”

    we are doomed as a species.

  7. I like Jim Henley because his name reminds me of Jim Henson.

  8. Well, a manila envelope instead of a coffin will save on burial expenses.

  9. why burials? cremation will be much easier and simpler.

  10. So carrying a photo of a loved one around in your wallet is okay, but life-size is wierd?

    If a flat daddy had made my wife feel even a bit better when I was in Vietnam, I’d have paid for it myself.

  11. Jeff P.,

    Brilliant idea. Taken a step further, why don’t we perfect holographic projection and scare the bejeesus out of the enemy du jour? “Whoa, Achmed. Where did those ten divisions of American troops come from? Better go hide!”

  12. It reminds me of the anti-marijuana ads: “This is just how Daddy is ever since he started smoking pot. He’s just flat and won’t play ball anymore.”

  13. I think the weirdness comes from interacting with the life-sized photo. I’d also find it weird/ sad when people rise around, sit on the couch, or converse with regular photos.

  14. So carrying a photo of a loved one around in your wallet is okay, but life-size is wierd?

    Yes.

    Not *wrong*, necessarily. But definitely weird.

    You know, this makes me wonder about psychological ramifications when the non-flat version of the daddy gets killed in Iraq. Will the cutout still go to work with the spouse? Go on vacations with the family? Sit at the head of the table? I’m no doctor, but this seems like a recipe for unhealthy coping mechanisms.

  15. I used to have 2-D versions of Bartles and Jaymes in my apartment in college. Of course, as it turned out, they were 2-D versions of the fictional delusions of the Gallo Corporation. So maybe they were really 1-D figures.

    Ah, the days when wine coolers were made with wine. Not that I drank them–we kept them in the apartment strictly for the ladies. We drank cheap, nasty beer only.

  16. Jeff P., Pro Libertate,

    This is the answer we’ve been looking for!

    Flat Troops for Iraq! Flat Troops for Iraq!

    Bring all the boys home and send in the Flat Divisions. Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon….. Hey, why not Iran? North Korea?? China???
    This is the kind of worldwide intervention even I can get behind.

  17. So carrying a photo of a loved one around in your wallet is okay, but life-size is wierd?

    In a word: yes.

    (Disclaimer: I fully support people’s right to carry around whatever objects they use as security blankets pending that those objects aren’t infringing on anyone else’s rights, etc. etc. If people feel better having these things, good for them then, I guess.)

    I really do think it’s a bit much, though. As Jake Boone said, unhealthy coping mechanisms and other buzzwords for craziness. Yes, I’m insensitive.

  18. *opens mouth* *shuts mouth*

    Uhhh. I have to admit I thought Julian was engaging in a bit of hyperbole. But no. No, no, no.

    The difference between carrying around a photo in your wallet and a life-size cutout is that you presumably don’t talk to the photo as if it’s real.

  19. I have a cunning plan for either political party: Make a cardboard cutout of bin Laden and show him in custody (for the Dems, maybe Ted Kennedy has him in one of the Kennedy compounds or something). ? la Sherlock Holmes, have Mrs. Hudson move the cardboard cutout around every few minutes. Devious! Guaranteed to get the votes for your party!

    The inevitable counter? A cardboard cutout of Evil Bert, natch.

  20. And now, let’s acknowledge the elephant that’s in the room……..So, do these people “sleep” with their flat daddies? They don’t even blow up!?

  21. This is like some unholy union of EA Abbott and Emily Grierson. If 14 year olds are anything like they were when I was that age, that kid is in for some merciless teasing at school now.

  22. I have a cunning plan for either political party: Make a cardboard cutout of bin Laden and show him in custody (for the Dems, maybe Ted Kennedy has him in one of the Kennedy compounds or something). ? la Sherlock Holmes, have Mrs. Hudson move the cardboard cutout around every few minutes. Devious! Guaranteed to get the votes for your party!

    The inevitable counter? A cardboard cutout of Evil Bert, natch.

  23. What’s really sad is that thousands of kids have lost their Dads forever in an elective war that was thoroughly unnecessary for our protection. And of course there?s the Dads who will never be the same due to war injuries.

    The blood is on the hands of the neocons within and out of the administration who used wild duplicity to foist this tragedy on us cuz they have long advocated regime change in Iraq as something beneficial for the Israeli state.

    The Iraq war was the coming to fruition of a campaign that the neocons had started to put forth the goal of taking out Sadam, a goal that they had previously laid out in a report for the Israeli government, as something America must do in its own interest. Fabrication and exaggeration of Saddam’s WMD capacity and terrorist connections were part of this campaign.

    “Only ground forces can remove Saddam and his regime from power and open the way for a new post-Saddam Iraq.” PNAC founder Kristol wrote in a 1997 report advocating regime change in Iraq. Kristol’s Weekly Standard magazine is owned by News Corp. Chairman Rupert Murdoch, who also owns the Fox News

    http://www.onlinejournal.com/Special_Reports/011604Leopold/011604leopold.html

  24. Well, if this thing would cheer your wife up in your absence, think what the milk man could do.

    Its up there with getting the cronies to stuff their pockets a wee bit slower w/ the retail petro prices.
    If the same boobs who think this is a “war on terror” are made happy by a fitty cint gas drop & a cardboard cutout…..well, there you go.
    But I think this brainstorm, like the “Mission Accomplished” banner, will be sluffed off on two PFC’s
    on some paint detail.
    I cant help but think a replacement “flat daddy” sittin in th’ Oval Office would be an improvement in orders of magnitude…….hey…. given theres a goodly bunch of returning Iraq & Afghan vets runnin fer office (this will be fun….cant wait to see these guys gettin in)…..couldnt we put up flat daddy pols to run also? If increasingly unaccountable corporate entities can enjoy the rights enumerated within the Constitution as equal to a breathing human being, might not such soveriegnty be passed to cardboard cutouts? As various offices become filled with such entities- certainly no more shallow than a lot of the noxious boobs they are replacing- things will get simpler. Quieter. Cheaper. More sane….

  25. i want a flat rick barton for my car.

  26. What an, uh, iconic technological innovation.

    I’m trying to imagine whether it would have kept Penelope’s suitors away or given Odysseus just one (or including Penelope, two) more to target.

    And people here were complaining that the public imagination infantilizes middle easterners?

  27. You’d think a the woman overseas the husband would prefer a three dimensional replica — but don’t call it a blow-up doll.

  28. I think Reason should sell cardboard Milton Friedmans. With one of those hinged arms so that he could wave at people as you drive around. He could sit in your car to get you access to those commuter lanes, too. If a cop challenges you, remind him that Dr. Friedman is, after all, a Nobel laureate.

  29. I’d post a witty comment here, but I can’t concentrate long enough to do so….
    I keep being distracted by Miss Ova’s tight little tummy.

  30. but don’t call it a blow-up doll.

    how ’bout a Puff Daddy?

  31. joe:

    …but don’t call it a blow-up doll.

    Good one, joe!

  32. how ’bout a Puff Daddy?

    Also good! Shouldn’t we turn on the staffs of the late night comedians to the talent we have here.

  33. late night comedians

    The Potempkin Village People?

  34. “I think Reason should sell cardboard Milton Friedmans.”

    Hmm, how about a flat Nick?

  35. I know I’m not the first to quote from the article, but….

    Judkins said the cutout has been a comfort since her husband was deployed in January.

    “He goes everywhere with me. Every day he comes to work with me,” said Judkins, who works in a dentist’s office. “I just bought a new table from the Amish community, and he sits at the head of the table. Yes, he does.”

    In the car, her husband’s image sits behind the driver’s seat so Judkins can keep an eye on him. A third-grade class writes to him as their “adopted” guardsman. And Judkins even brought her husband’s cutout — which she calls Slim Jim, because he’s not — to confession at the local church.

    If the guy dies maybe they can stuff him and she could carry him around for the rest of her life.

    Imagine the lady sitting at work..

    “What’s that?”

    “Only Jim, he goes EVERYWHERE with me!! :)”

    The lady talks like a crazy person in the article, we don’t even have to imagine it…

    “I just bought a new table from the Amish community, and he sits at the head of the table. Yes, he does.”

    She’s one of those loons that like to shove their craziness in the world’s face. God help her coworkers. And her kids! Won’t someone please think of the children?

  36. I think this is a great idea for infants to see there dads face full size. Lots of the guys I served with came home to kids that didn’t know who they were. Pictures are small and very young children may not understand that they are representations of real people. Then again I am not Dr. Spock, who knows.
    As far as the family in the article, i think there pulling the reporters leg.

  37. Meh, it’s just an oversized picture.

  38. Perfect, flat daddy won’t have to assemble his Ikea furniture.

  39. That’s not Dad – it’s Harold Ramis from the movie Stripes!

  40. Jeremy Bentham lives!

  41. Does this remind anyone else of Flat Stanley?

    Kevin

  42. This many comments, and I’m the first one to post that this sounds like a hoax?

    Maybe the story really is true, but my BS detector is going off.

  43. Well, after some googling around this appears to be true. I still doubt that most people are carting these cutouts around all day. The reporters just managed to find the weirdos. One piece I read suggests that they are mainly used to “include” daddy in photos of family events (like children’s birthday parties) that are then mailed to the soldier, which is actually kind of sweet.

  44. No hoax. You guys are too funny. I am laughing hysterically. I shall ever be known as the crazy laughing lady.

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