Still America's Finest News Source

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This will come as news to nobody, but The Onion can still put together an excellent front page. Current highlights:

Child Soldier Promoted To Child Private 1st Class

U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass

Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence
Founding Fathers, Patriots, Mr. T. Honored

Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting

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  1. I especially like the last headline. As the director of “child welfare” reporters from People mag. and others have called a few times for my “expert” opinion on Brittany’s baby falling out of the high chair or Brad putting the kid on the motorcycle without a helmet. …

  2. Why post last week’s headlines on the very day the Onion updates its site?

    Anon

  3. It’s the only news source _I_ trust.

  4. My favorites are

    Voice of God is really Cheney on the speaker phone.

    Bush sends troops to the West Nile to combat virus.

    Those guys are great.

  5. The best part of the Onion is that even if you don’t have time to go through the whole article, the headlines are funny enough that you can laugh at what such an article would be like.

  6. It has come to my attention that I live under a rock. As this is my first exposure to The Onion, can anyone tell me what it’s about & its slant.

  7. and yes wikipedia does have an entry for “ratfucking”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ratfucking

  8. One of my stories and headlines was “Guy in philosophy class needs to shut the fuck up.”

  9. Hmm, I’m going to have to edit that entry for “ratfuck” to add the current military usage; to rummage through or ransack.

    “Private Pyle ratfucked the entire case of MREs and only took the poptarts.”

  10. I swear that I grew up with Jim Anchower. He’s still drivinig that shitty car around.

  11. Marxists’ Apartment A Microcosm Of Why Marxism Doesn’t Work

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38517

  12. U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

    Oh man, that brought back memories. When I was in uniform, I remember how everything the command did to boost moral, I’d have just as soon skipped it. That was because, the party or whatever was just another hassle. We always had to put it together, and clean it up after, and put in extra hours on the job to make up for the time. It always felt like you were buying your own birthday present.

    But in the end, I guess it was worth doing, because of the one thousand days I spent on active duty, the 26 I can distinctly remember are mostly associated with some break in the routine.

  13. This is the all-time leader in the clubhouse, however, from Jan ’01 :

    Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

  14. My favorite headline in the new issue is:

    “Report: Everything Made In Sweatshops”
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50883

    “The Department of Labor recommended no immediate course of action in response to the report, which was compiled by 135 government employees in an 20-by-80-foot Quonset hut without air-conditioning working six 18-hour shifts a week for $1.15 an hour.”

    Ah, the magic of the free market!

  15. I nominate the 9/11 headline:
    HOLY FUCKING SHIT

  16. The Onion doesn’t seem as consistently funny as it once was, but I still get a laugh from it now and again. One of my favorites was the article they did on what Armstrong really said when he first walked on the moon.

  17. Libertarian reluctantly calls fire department.

    Hits close to home.

    You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me.

    Hits even closer to home.

    Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

    Hits uncomfortably close to home.

    God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz.

    Genius.

    Christ Returns to NBA

    The picture of Jesus bringing the funk on a nasty dunk – best Photoshop ever.

    Holy fucking shit!

    The first good laugh I had after 9/11. They deserve a medal for that issue.

  18. I remember reading the “Long National Nightmare” story when it came out.

    I recall rolling my eyes when the Onion had Bush proclaiming that his term would incluce a recession, and exploding deficit, and another Iraq War. I thought the humor was really over the top.

  19. one of my fave headlines ever was for an article by “stephen king” called i don’t even remember writing the tommyknockers.

    an article called mothership descends on hootie concert, about the parliament mothership being called down to a hootie and the blowfish concert due to “an inadvertant hipshake” by darius rucker was, i believe, the funniest thing i’ve ever read in my life. made especially so because i went to college with those guys — or rather, at the same time and place as — and i mean hootie, not parliament.

    as for the headlines in the post, i like the last one best too. i am driven nuts by the idea that a young mother’s parenting mistakes, which were in fact harmless in their consequences, are regarded as national news because said mother is britney spears.

  20. Y’all are too political for me. The article that had me laughing harder than anything ever:

    Gaywads, Dorkwads sign historic Wad accord.

    Read that and tell me you didn’t laugh so hard you nearly puked.

  21. Let’s not forget the classic:

    Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

  22. I’d be a little surprised if they put this online (I grew up near Madison, WI, and this is from the old b&w days), but my first favorite Onion article was The Cemetery Is A Great Place To Get Laid. Proving, I guess, that taboos are goldmines.

  23. “Alzheimer’s Patients Demand Cure for Pancakes”

  24. Or the best point-counterpoint ever:

    Point:
    “Workplace Discrimination Against Women Must Stop Now”

    Counterpoint:
    “I Love the Way Your Tits Jiggle When You Type”

  25. “God Answers Little Boy’s Prayer to Walk Again: ‘No,’ God Says.”

    And the best point-counterpoint ever was:

    Point:
    “European Men Are So Charming and Sophisticated.”

    Counterpoint:
    “American Girls Are So Easy.”

  26. When I was in uniform, I remember how everything the command did to boost moral, I’d have just as soon skipped it. That was because, the party or whatever was just another hassle. We always had to put it together, and clean it up after, and put in extra hours on the job to make up for the time.

    You left out “polish boots and brass for.”

    But I appreciate the hell out of the civilians (Bob Hope et al) who made the effort.

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