Still America's Finest News Source

This will come as news to nobody, but The Onion can still put together an excellent front page. Current highlights:

Child Soldier Promoted To Child Private 1st Class

U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass

Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence
Founding Fathers, Patriots, Mr. T. Honored

Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting