"Keep the Designated Hitter Rule Pornographers Away from Baseball!"

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"Keep Pornographers away from Major League Baseball!"

That's the lastest rallying cry from Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council (alas, not that Tony Perkins, whose second big role was playing psycho big leaguer Jimmy Piersall in Fear Strikes Out [which, incidentally, should have been accurately titled Fear Draws an Intentional Walk).

Personally–and I say this as someone who has copped to maintaining and Eddie Murray stats-and-sideburns shrine as a kid–I think baseball would have long benefited from closer ties to the porn industry–just imagine the possibilities for mascots such as Chief KnockaHomer and the prehensile-tongue-wielding Phillie Fanatic, not to mention former journeymen such as Dick Pole and Pete LaCock. And let's face it, scandal-clouded Viagra pitchman and Hall of Fame stat machine Rafael Palmeiro's future clearly ain't in baseball these days.

But FRC's Mr. Perkins is spittin' more than Gaylord Perry because…because…well, let him tell you, in an open letter to baseball commish Bud Selig:

I have learned of reports that the Atlanta Braves may soon be sold to Mr. John Malone and Liberty Media. If approved, this purchase would effectively put Major League Baseball into a business partnership with one of America's most prolific purveyors of pornography. Through his ownership of ON COMMAND and his role in the cable company TCI, Mr. Malone has done as much as or more than any other American to mainstream the distribution of degrading porn into the nation's homes and into hundreds of thousands of hotel rooms. Pornography is not a harmless pursuit, but rather an industry that has been shown to play an enormously destructive role in the lives of families, with particular impact on women and children.

Whole thing here.

Really, don't the Braves–not to mention hotel-room-renting porn watchers–have enough problems these days? And isn't there a war on, partly precisely because we are porn-lovin' infidel dogs?

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  1. You know, it’s assholes like Perkins who make my loathing and contempt for religion and its adherents (with their sick, neurotic, phobia of sexuality) all the more justified.

    I’d tell Perkins to fuck off, but why sully the word “fuck” and the wonderful act that it implies by applying it to a Bible-beating control freak?

  2. Screw Liberty Media, they could really use Ted Turner right about now. Come on Ted, whaddya say?

  3. You forgot “Rusty Kuntz” in your list of names.

    And when you write “closer ties to the porn industry”, do you mean “closer” like “more near to” or “closer” like “end-of-game-relief pitcher”: Because — if the latter — I’d nominate Dennis Eckersley’s mustache as very much a “closer tie to the porn industry”.

  4. Dammit, Baylen beat me to Mr. Kuntz, which as a child was the most disturbing baseball card in my collection.

  5. If Mr. Malone does get ownership, do you think he will stop this

  6. As a Braves fan, I’d like Mr. Turner to return with his player-buying ways. If that’s not an option, why then a really rich, spend-happy porn king sounds just fine. Steinbrenner probably ships in teen prostitutes on his ships, anyway, so what’s all this complaining about? Not to mention that Time Warner sells porn via pay-per-view, according to one article that I’ve read.

  7. Switch this guy’s bible for a copy of Ball Four, or any unexpurgated bio of Babe Ruth.

    Is AOL/Time-Warner that much less of a provider of T&A than Liberty?

    Kevin

  8. 1988 Topps – Jay Baller – Chicago Cubs

  9. “Not to mention that Time Warner sells porn via pay-per-view, according to one article that I’ve read.”

    They sure do.

  10. not to mention former journeymen such as Dick Pole and Pete LaCock

    Don’t forget Rollie Fingers.

  11. Or just Randy Johnson, the “Big Unit”

  12. This guy must think the NBA is already a lost cause, what with that Magic Johnson feller and all.

  13. Growing up in the suburbs of Cincinnati, there was no funnier name than Orel Hershiser.

  14. Jay “The Bone” Buhner,
    A-Rod, and the Big Unit, all played for Seattle had the same time. How phallic was that?

  15. Dammit, Baylen beat me to Mr. Kuntz, which as a child was the most disturbing baseball card in my collection

    At least he wasn’t named “Harry.”

  16. Speaking of the War on Porn, did anyone else hear about somethin’ buried in the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006 (just passed both the House and Senate), something about deceptive links to porn?

    Sec. 2252C. Misleading words or digital images on the Internet

    `(a) In General- Whoever knowingly embeds words or digital images into the source code of a website with the intent to deceive a person into viewing material constituting obscenity shall be fined under this title and imprisoned for not more than 10 years.

    `(b) Minors- Whoever knowingly embeds words or digital images into the source code of a website with the intent to deceive a minor into viewing material harmful to minors on the Internet shall be fined under this title and imprisoned for not more than 20 years.

    —-Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006

    I’m all for keepin’ porn out of the hands of children, but has there ever been a law before making it a crime to link to something perfectly legal? Can the web be made safe for children? …by prosecuting web admins?

    I know all about the fuzziness of the word “obscenity”, but in a fuzziness contest, can’t “intent to deceive” mean just about anything a prosecutor wants it to mean? …assuming the wounded party claims he didn’t expect to see what he saw.

  17. In my HS junior year book there’s a photo of a Topps Rusty Kuntz baseball card. I believe the caption read something to the effect of “…The most sought after baseball card for the sports collectors club…” A year later two of my classmates went to see the Phillies play the Marlins (I’m pretty sure that’s who Kuntz was working for) and were able to draw his attention with a sign and ad him sign their year books. Rusty was a total gentleman and very friendly to boot bu a litt;e confused. “Why am I in your yearbook?” “Er….you’re a popular player.”

  18. Ken, does that mean it will be illegal to trick people into finding goatse.cx or tubgirl? About time!

    Note: Do NOT try to look these up. The management takes no responsibilty for any physical illness or loss of lunch you may experience if you do.

  19. I would think the Libertarian crowd here would not have a problem with one individual expressing his concern about business practices in a letter to the leader of that business.

    Perkins is not asking the government to ban hotel porn here, only asking MLB to consider whether they want to become involved with a distributor of pornography.

  20. The Family Research Council has created a series of comics featuring the lovable scamp “Tubgirl” to help explain to concerned moms and dads how they can keep their kids away from objectionable material on the internets

    I think it’s at tubgirl.com or somewhere…..

  21. Perkins is not asking the government to ban hotel porn here…

    Not yet, at least.

    …only asking MLB to consider whether they want to become involved with a distributor of pornography.

    Why should any rational person who doesn’t have their head filled with religion-inspired, anti-sex, bullshit worry about getting involved financially with someone who distributes erotic material?

    I think I answered my own question.

  22. Do I qualify or is “poo holes” just too unfunny for anyone older than 5?

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