When Free Beer is Banned, Only Outlaws Will Give Away Free Beer

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From the soon-to-be-orphaned Sploid, comes one last great news tragedy that goes right to the heart of the American experience:

A brave patriot in Utah is facing trial by jury just because he had the courage to give away beer and wine at an outdoor concert.

"There's nothing like wasting taxpayer money on morality issues," says Randy Barton, whose nonprofit Mountain Town Stages hosts free summer concerts in Utah's Summit County every year.

"I could plead guilty and pay a fine, but I'm not willing to say I broke the law in the first place," he told the Salt Lake City Tribune.

Why is Barton not willing to say he broke the law? Because he had asked the local sheriff if there were any laws against giving beer away for free–and the sheriff said there was not. But it turns out that in the Beehive State, you have to personally invite anyone over for free hooch (no wonder the parties are so lame there).

Whole tale of tawny terror here.

If you'd been wondering why 37 percent of Americans wouldn't vote for a Mormon for president, maybe you found your answer.

You were there (Foster Brooks Edition): Read about the Whiskey Rebellion, when George Washington (the bastard) called out militia on folks who refused to pay excise taxes on booze in western Pennsylvania.

Also on Sploid: Houston billboard prank boasts that Jesus is "King of Jews, King of Beers."

Sploid for sale here.

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NEXT: Big, Fat Brother

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  1. Sploid will be sold? Noooooooooo!

  2. King of Jews King of Beers is classic. Wow that is funny.

    It kills me how people who claim to be strict Christians embrace Romney. My favorite is resident NRO nitwit Kathryn Jean Lopez. She spends her entire time on NRO proclaiming what a wonderful Catholic she is, except when she is talking about what a great guy Romney is and how great it is that he is Mormon.

    There is nothing particularly wrong with either statement but they are, if you actually take either position seriously, completely inconsistent with one another. From a strictly Catholic or mainline Christian perspective, Mormonism is an apostate religion founded by a false profit of just the type Paul warned mankind against when he said he was the last messenger of God and not to believe anyone else who claimed to be a messenger even if they claimed to be delivering a message from an Angel. But, Ms. Lopez thinks it is wonderful that Mitt is a Mormon. Oh Really? Shouldn’t she be trying to convert him or something or at least saying that his religion is a crock? If not, perhaps she should stop claiming to be such a Catholic and admit that she is just an opportunist or an idiot or both.

  3. From the Hit and Run drinking game:

    6. Atheists Drink

    b. Whenever an uncalled for attack on Mormons is made.

  4. Man, it’s not even 10:30 yet. I think that it should at least be an atheist who makes the attack.

  5. If Sploid goes downhill, then I will be seriously bummed out. I get all my news from that site. I notice that they also invoke Fear’s Let’s Have A War when discussing Middle East strife. Who knew that song would become a meme someday? Lee Ving must be so proud.

    Anyways, it seems like John was taking a Catholic to task, not a Mormon. I can’t really say since I don’t drink and therefore am not able to participate in the game.

    *kicks pebble*

  6. Restrictions on giving away alcohol aren’t just in Utah. In LA we had a very popular Italian place that gave you a glass of cheap wine while you waited for a table. A few years ago “the man” came in a put a stop to it.

    Now they charge and the whole experience is somehow ruined.

  7. For the record, I was not attacking Mormonism, although I can if you like I think it is about the most rediculous religion in the world. My point was that it kills me when people claim to be “strict beleiving Christians” and at the same time think being a Morman is a ok.

  8. …should be free to give away or even sell alcoholic beverages…don’t support the state doing this…blahblahblah.

    But.

    Let’s face it.

    The guy lives in frickin’ Utah.

    UTAH

    Helloooooo, mon capitan dumbass!

    You live in U-T-A-H.

    Home of people who are agin’ dancin’ swearin’ and drinkin’.

    If you like to do those things, then, perhaps you shouldn’t live there.

  9. “False profit” John

    You can do better than that!

    Pedants drink!

  10. Hey man, it’s no more ridiculous than thinking there’s a man in the sky who’ll let you worship him for all eternity if you worship him enough while you’re alive. Man, God sure is an egomaniac. I would be too, I guess. Omnipotence and all, probably give one a bit of pomp.

    But, seriously, I can’t wait to go to Kolob to become God of my own planet/universe. That’s way cooler than being able to rid myself of body thetans or mastering my own body weight.

  11. Considering kegs for personal use are illegal in Utah (unless the right permit-granters are “persuaded”) and bars can’t serve beer exceeding 4% ABV, I can’t say I’m surprised by this law.

  12. It?s early Ayn Randian. But, considering the billions of dollars that the Mormon Church supposedly has squirreled away to further its plot for world domination, perhaps it was an appropriate mistake.

  13. First Suck, now Sploid? Damn you, free market!

    Texas has a bunch of stupidity about alcohol, but you can give away beer. Indeed, new restaurants who are waiting for their liqour license to process (boo hiss to bureacracy!) often give away beer. You can’t sell beer without a license, but it’s A-OK to have a case of icy cold-ones waiting by the cash register for your patrons.

  14. Lunchstealer,

    I recently left the Texas Republican Party over Governor Perry’s embrace of using under cover officers to arrest drunk people in bars. I will still not vote Democratic, I guess I will join the ranks of not voting this year. There is no end to the lunacy on alchohol.

  15. But, Ms. Lopez thinks it is wonderful that Mitt is a Mormon. Oh Really? Shouldn’t she be trying to convert him or something or at least saying that his religion is a crock? If not, perhaps she should stop claiming to be such a Catholic and admit that she is just an opportunist or an idiot or both.

    By that rationale, most elected republicans would have to make the same admission

  16. “By that rationale, most elected republicans would have to make the same admission”

    Maybe they should or shut the hell up about what wonderful bible thumping Christians they are.

  17. My point is Chicago Tom is that if you are going to wear your religion on your sleeve then you ought to follow the religion or admit to its contradictions. It wouldn’t bother me if the Rebulicans said, it is no one’s business what religion I am. But what they do is claim to be strict Christians right up until the point that it is not politically expedient. That makes them opportunists and hypocrites in my eyes.

  18. Aren’t Mormons considered Christians anymore? What makes the Mormon religion any more ridiculous than Catholicism or any other Christian sect? It is always funny to see Christians criticize the competing sects based on the plot holes in their fairy tales while they claim with a straight face that their chosen sect is the only one truly sanctioned by god based on some slight variation of the same story.

  19. I dream of the day when a candidate, asked about his religious beliefs, directs the questioner to the “religious test clause” of the Constitution, and opines that answering such a query would not be in its spirit.

    Kevin

  20. It is not a question of which if any of them are fairytales, it is that one religion’s beleifs are totally incompatable with the other’s. No, Mormons are not Christians, at least not by the teachings of any mainline Christian faith.

    Yeah, I guess if you have absolutely no understanding or respect for religious thinking and look at the whole thing as a bunch of “fairytales” then yeah, it is pretty much all the same. But if you have any respect or understanding for people’s beliefs, then you have to admit that they are not all the same.

  21. See South Park episode about Mormons for a pretty spot on history of the mormon faith. (Funnier than the Scientology episode).

  22. What about the LDS/Mormon faith makes them non-Christian? As far as I know, they use the Bible and believe in Jesus as the son of god, what else is required to be considered a Christian in the technical sense?

  23. Scott,

    The mormons beleive that ultimately you can become a God too. Eventually if you are a good enough Mormon, you can be your own God of your own universe; a “Latter Day Saint”. Christianity may offer the prospect of having a higher state of being with God, but it does not offer you the prospect of being a God. In addition, the fundemental tenent of Christianity is that the four gospels are the life and teaching of Jesus. Giving Jesus a new life and teachings in America 2000 years after the fact, while interesting, is not Christianity.

  24. Don’t be taken in by the Donnie and Marie face of Mormonism! With their vampire zombie sex slaves, Mormons threaten us all!

    Fortunately, the courageous film Trapped by the Mormons blows the lid off!

    “If you only see one Mormonsploitation flick in your lifetime, make it this one!”

  25. Shit! (The “preview” function is on the blink — I could only see the first few lines of my post.)

    (And now it doesn’t display anything.)


  26. FUCK!

    Don’t be taken in by the Donnie and Marie face of Mormonism! With their vampire zombie sex slaves, Mormons threaten us all!

    Fortunately, the courageous film Trapped by the Mormons blows the lid off!

    http://www.trappedbythemormons.com/

    “If you only see one Mormonsploitation flick in your lifetime, make it this one!”

  27. The billboard is wrong on both counts. Jesus was not of the Herodian line and not even Budvar is the king of beers.

  28. From Stevo’s link.

    “In the 1920’s and 1930’s, more than 30 films came out of Britain which depicted Mormons as the evil vampiric perverts they truly are.”

    When I was a little kid in the 50s i recall reading some stuff from England that cast the Mormons in a bad light. It was some western storis for kids that had the Mormons burning wagon trains and so on.

    It was strange to me since we had family friends who were Mormons. We found them srange but never evil. But then, of course, Quakers need to be careful about finding other religions strange.

    IIANM Connan-Doyle wrote a seriously anti-Mormon (and ridiculously inaccurate) book too, didn’t he? I think it had evil Mormon elders dragging pure virginal English girls off to their temple on the shores of the Great Salt Lake where they practised hideous rituals, or something like that.

    Of course, if this does not post I will know for certain that the problem with the reason server squirrels is that they are controlled by Mormons.

  29. All the spelling errors in the foregoing are due to fact that I don’t have my magic spectacles. 🙂

  30. IIANM Connan-Doyle wrote a seriously anti-Mormon (and ridiculously inaccurate) book too, didn’t he? I think it had evil Mormon elders dragging pure virginal English girls off to their temple on the shores of the Great Salt Lake where they practised hideous rituals, or something like that.

    That sounds like A Study in Scarlet.

  31. I think you’re right AC. Thanks.

  32. You know, I find the Mormons’ epistemilogical beliefs to be somewhat weirder than most, which is really saying quite a lot, if you think about it.

    But they sure do make nice neighbors.

  33. Two words: Magic Underwear.

  34. i don’t like beer at all,i think it could make you foolish.

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