140 Years of Solitude

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If the impending election of Eliot Spitzer in the Empire State hasn't convinced you that evil will always triumph over good, then contemplate this on the tree of woe:

Ditching the cigars but not the army fatigues, Cuban leader Fidel Castro leads a life that guarantees he'll live more than a century, according to his doctor.

"He is going to live 140 years," said Dr. Eugenio Selman, who heads the 120 Years Club that promotes healthy habits for the elderly.

And here I've always marveled that El Jefe has survived every president going back to Eisenhower. But knowing that he'll outlast President Rodham Clinton, President Abramoff, President Jenna Bush, Presidents Hilton, Timberlake, and Longoria, and even President "Skip" bin Laden, well, maybe I should go ahead with that plan for terraforming Mars I've been kicking around…

NEXT: Sorry, No Homers

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  1. Bastard’d show up there, too.

    Mars is Red, doncha know?

  2. Supreme court justice Ito, too.

  3. That is exactly why our decades old strategy of waiting for Castro to die won’t pay off.

  4. ROFL
    Thanks for the giggle Tim. After having just chased down some links from Ron’s biotech article, that terraforming line was aptly funny.

  5. May we take these as official election predictions that we can flog you with later on?

  6. Here’s the secret y’all don’t know. Castro was assassinated by the KGB (long story) in 1980. He was replaced by an animatronic robot, programmed to make long, long speeches and to hang out with stupid, fawning fools. Thus, making it to 140 should be a piece of torta.

    On the Mars front, I’m reading Pohl’s Mining the Oort, which is an okay novel about terraforming Mars by bombarding it with comets. Of course (Spoiler!! Run away!!), someone figures out that using a comet to hold the Earth hostage is a fine idea for getting your way. That’s probably how it will really happen, too πŸ™

    Anyway, I’m all for Free Mars. Let’s go. I’m drafting The Fundamental Declarations of the Martian Colonies as we type.

  7. This smells to me like Cuban officials preparing for Castro’s death, and preparing to hide it a la Big Brother style.

    Those close to him know that the second ol’ Fidel takes his last breath of cigar smoke, their asses will be grasses if they don’t cover it all up.

    At least it will be entertaining if they get a younger Castro look-alike to take his place. Then Castro and Ras al’Gul can kick it for eternity.

  8. 140? I say 150!

    No, 160?

    Comrade Fidel will live to 180. At least. Where are those capitalist subversives who said 140?

  9. taktix-

    Are you saying that they’ll do a “weekend at Fidel’s” thing to keep people in line?

    I think he’s an immortal, and will remain in power until a Scottish guy with a Japanese sword goes to Cuba to take care of things.

  10. At least it will be entertaining if they get a younger Castro look-alike to take his place. Then Castro and Ras al’Gul can kick it for eternity.

    They can cruise the world with the Dread Pirate Roberts.

  11. Castro hasn’t yet “outlasted” Ford, Carter, Bush I or Clinton, who were still alive last time I looked.
    Oh, you mean their terms expired but his hasn’t?
    I get it now.

  12. Actually, thoreau, as established in another thread, Hak and I are planning to meet in immortal combat, because, you know, there can be only one. I’ll go down and deal with Castro next. Yes, I’m plenty Scottish. In fact, I use “pro libertate” because I was once known as. . .William Wallace.

    Okay, I’m not really William Wallace πŸ˜‰

  13. Will President Longoria still be hot?

  14. Ruthless-

    When asked for comment on a Longoria Presidency, future President Hilton said “that’s hot.”

    So there’s your answer.

  15. Major Digression alert-
    Pro-libertate, just curious, do cubans use the word torta for cake? this is one of the things that interests me, the regional variations in spanish – i’ve heard torta, tarta, and bizcocho used in different regions. (so i’m not saying they don’t, I was just wondering if you had any knowledge of that).

  16. Of course (Spoiler!! Run away!!), someone figures out that using a comet to hold the Earth hostage is a fine idea for getting your way.

    That’s the achilles heel of any terraforming project: Anything powerful enough to melt the Martian icecaps will eventually be used against our own.

  17. The process of changing the atmosphere in order to melt the icecaps is already being used against our own, Tim.

  18. Castro may live to see a hundred or more. Some people’s application process to hell take a little longer than others. Maybe if he lives long enough, there can be a revolution and the Cuban people themselves can hang him at noon in Havana. Could you imagine the shock and outrage among his Western toadies like Oliver Stone and Ted Turner if the old bastard finally got his? It is too much to ask for, but like Tim and terraforming Mars, I can still dream.

  19. joe, be quiet or we’ll send a comet to Massachusetts.

    Sulla, I’m not 100% sure. I knew torta off the bat, but there may be other words, or Cuban dialect may prefer some other term for cake. I’ve e-mailed one of my Cuban friends for clarification. Though I must disclose that he got a B in our Spanish I class in high school, while I got an A πŸ™‚ Oh, I do know how to say banana daiquiri in Spanish.

  20. Will President Longoria still be hot?

    Thanks to Ron’s overhyped advances in bio/nanotechnology, she’ll be even hotter. Just pokin’ a l’il fun, Ron.

  21. One of Ken MacLeod’s books has a CIA agent mention in passing that their plan to wait for Castro to die didn’t work because the bastard lived a natural lifespan just long enough to still be alive when they discovered rejuvenation techniques. πŸ™‚

  22. Anyway, I’m all for Free Mars. Let’s go. I’m drafting The Fundamental Declarations of the Martian Colonies as we type.

    And of course to insure Mars’ freedom, we’ll have to invade Europa, to show that democracy can defeat radical monolithism throughout the Jovian region.

    Why do Michael Moore clones IV, XI, and XII(b) hate Mars?

  23. That’s why they call him Superman!

  24. So, lunchstealer, you envision a Clarkian/Trekian future mash-up? Intriguing. I suppose Kirk will use America’s Photon Torpedoes? to kill that dangerous Star Child. And the Overlords, for that matter.

    I think the real fun is going to be on Titan, where the national anthem will be “Do the Titan Up”.

  25. That Spacebaby is trying to get weapons of mass destruction.

  26. I was reading the other day where Siberia is depopulating. In lieu of Mars, I wonder if the Russians might be willing to sell it to us? The place is huge and full of natural resources. We could have another homestead act and make the place a no whining, no welfare, and no nannystate zone. Sort of a come there at your own risk kind of place. As for the U.S., fuck it let the Mexicans and soccer moms have it.

  27. President Longoria. Mmmm…I would love to get into that oval orifice.

    – Josh

  28. Castro lives to be 140. Fine. What none of you realize is that in 2067, after Fidel finally goes to that big sugar cane plantation in the sky, his vibrant younger brother Raul will take over. Have a nice time waiting for the revolucion to end, yanqui running dogs!

  29. WP, your tackiness knows no bounds…

  30. Fidel Castro = Vandal Savage?

  31. Forget Mars. We’ll never get there. The minute any ship leaves the Van Allen Belt, the cosmic rays would tear the crew to bits.

  32. Forget Mars. We’ll never get there. The minute any ship leaves the Van Allen Belt, the cosmic rays would tear the crew to bits.

  33. The moon missions had to go through the Van Allen Belt.

  34. The moon missions had to go through the Van Allen Belt.

  35. 140 Years of Solitude

    1) One Hundred Years of Solitude
    2) Marquez and Castro are friends

    Good one, Tim.

  36. Ah, but why does evil always triumph over good?

    Because good is dumb!

  37. “Because good is dumb!”

    peachy,
    Do you mean that in a lacivious way? … a la May West?

  38. By the way, am I the only one here who saw Fidel live on the Ed Sullivan show?

    (Ed was probably expecting Fidel would get things hopping again in Havana.)

  39. George Zebrowski predicted this in “I walked with Fidel” didn’t he?

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