As Seen on TV: Non-Stick Graven Images!


A little birdy passes along news of the latest in Christian kitsch: the Jesus Pan, which allows true believers to "put the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD"!

Go here to order and then "imagine serving Heavenly Hotcakes at the next church breakfast." And then imagine yourself frying for all eternity for making graven images.

The Jesus Pan smells like a fake to me (or at least a goof, albeit not one as self-evidently satanic as the "Jackhammer Jesus").

But then again, as Jeremy Lott noted in his 2003 report on the Christian culture industry, nobody moves more merchandise than the Man from Galilee.

NEXT: Blow This

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  1. “nobody moves more merchandise than the Man from Galilee.”

    What!!! Not even Elvis!? No! What about John Lenon? Guess those guys haven’t been dead as long; Jesus has a head start on them.

  2. I clicked on the buy now button and was sent to what looked like the legitimate PayPal site. Is this some sort of identity theft scam?

  3. Wonder if Miss Poppy’s carries it along with the tin of Crucif mints? GREAT collection of campy Jesus stuff there.

    The Jesus walking on water pen is a keeper too.

  4. Check it out. You can make your money back in no time at all.

    Wait, there’s more. If you call now, we’ll throw in a set of serrated knives.

  5. I want a Muhammed pan. Great for cooking bacon and starting Third World riots.

  6. The etching on the pan just makes it harder to clean.

    It would be a bit ironic to be swearing to Jesus while scrubbing the stupid thing.

  7. I’m thinking, too, that if some fat fundie housewife smacks her guy with the pan, then the dude is going to have Jesus on the face.

  8. Is it blasphemous to call Jesus a nook or a cranny?

  9. As an official honest-to-god church elder, I’d just like to say…

    A Jesus Pan?!?!

    Thanks. That’s the best laugh I’ve had this week.

  10. “Try the meatloaf. It’s Christerrific!”

  11. When I was in college in Tallahassee, Florida, I got some junk mail for a “Jesus prayer rug”. It looked like a cheap hand towel with a picture of Jesus on it. The pitch was that if you prayed on the rug, you’d win the lottery. No shit. They had testimonials and everything…

  12. SmokingPenguin, did you go to FSU or to FAMU? I used to live in Tallahassee when I was a kid. Of course, I went to a somewhat different university, one with a superior basketball program 🙂

  13. I guess you could make a delicious Jesus Fish with this… maybe a halibut or skate?

  14. This puts a whole new emphasis on the “…the bread is the body of Christ…” doctrine!

  15. I don’t believe in the Jesus pan.

    Well, I mean, I believe there was a pan called the Jesus pan. I just think it was a very nice pan, is all.

  16. joe, you’re a pan-Jesus hater and you’re going to fry in hell.

  17. I’m waiting for them to come out with a matching Mary Magdalene loaf pan and a “sangreal” muffin pan.

  18. joe, your anti-pan heresy has been noted.

  19. Well Joe, I do beleive in the Jesus pan. And I wish he would take his pan and go back to Mexico.
    North Carolina has too many jesuses or some such.

  20. Mr. Nice Guy,

    you’re a pan-Jesus hater and you’re going to fry in hell.

    Jokes like that just burn me up. You’re gonna be cast into irons with that kind of humor.

  21. Fry in hell”? MNG, that’s so bad it’s good. Really, really good.

    Pro L – I went to FSU, one of the two schools in Tallahassee with an inferior sports program to UF. And an inferior academic program to UF. What did we have in our favor? 55 to 45 female to male ratio, versus the opposite at UF. Enjoy the sports, guys…

  22. Ah, excellent riposte, SmokingPenguin. Not counting the all-female days of years past, there was a time not all too long ago that Florida State had a 3-1 ratio. It was a compelling recruitment enticement, no doubt.

    All nasty wisecracks aside, I went to UF for academic reasons–I had been an FSU fan up till decision time. Of course, with the usual wisdom of a 16-year old, I decided not to pursue options that I had at better schools out of state. No, it was more important to go to a “fun” school. We really shouldn’t emancipate our young until age 50 or so.

    Jesus hates the Seminoles, by the way. Why else would he send you all of those criminals? 😉

  23. Jesus hates the Seminoles, by the way…

    Did the pan tell you that, Pro L? Actually, you’re right about the criminals, both in and out of FSU. Tallahassee is a pit, barely avoiding asshole of the universe status. I left on August 8, 1992, the day after receiving my degree. I swore I would never go back. I haven’t.

    But if you’re a guy who likes getting drunk, football, babes, country music, crime, JesusPans, and racial strife, Tallahssee is the place for you! (Note – I don’t dislike babes. Or getting drunk.)

  24. Tallahassee isn’t all FSU, to be fair. We lived out in Killearn Estates, which was a nice place to be a kid. Lakes, woods, bridle paths, big yards, etc. Of course, that was the 70s–it’s grown up quite a bit in that area.

    The area around the university isn’t too nice, I’ll grant. USF in Tampa has the same problem. Gainesville, surprisingly, isn’t that bad around the campus, though it has the usual “student ghetto”.

    The Jesus Pan says a lot to me, SmokingPenguin. I can only hope I have the wisdom to understand. Hmmm, flapjoshuas–yummy! And holy!

  25. “Welcome to Divine Interventions, the home of Baby Jesus Butt Plug and more!”

    oh my. mercy.

    hey JMJ – maybe you should switch from a Marx Butt Plug to a Baby Jesus one. That could help the ol’ attitude!

  26. I dunno about the fake bit. According to Mr. Breakfast, it’s real!

  27. Jesus…..

    He’s not just for breakfast anymore

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