X-Men Confidential (Less Than Excelsior Edition)

In reviewing the new X-Men flick, opening wide tomorrow, Rober Ebert--nobody's idea of homo superior--channels Lou Dobbs re: Mexicans and proclaims "My guess is there are just plain too many mutants" while giving a thumbs up to X-Men: The Last Stand:

I enjoyed "X-Men: The Last Stand." I liked the action, I liked the absurdity, I liked the incongruous use and misuse of mutant powers, and I especially liked the way it introduces all of those political issues and lets them fight it out with the special effects

Whole bit here. And many, many more reviews here. It sounds like a dud overall, but hey, still, make mine mutant.

And given the hubbub (bub) over immigration, here's hoping that the next Spider-Man movie features The Tarantula, an acrobatic terrorist from Mexico with very, very, very pointy shoes.

Comments

[Phileleutherus Lipsiensis]

Here's the entire quote:

My guess is there are just plain too many mutants, and their powers are so various and ill-matched that it's hard to keep them all on the same canvas. The addition of Beast, Angel and Leech, not to mention Multiple Man, Juggernaut and the revived Dr. Jean Grey (reborn as Dark Phoenix) causes a Mutant Jam, because there are too many X-Men with too many powers for a 104-minute movie. There are times when the director, Brett Ratner, seems to be scurrying from one plot line to another like that guy who had to keep all of his plates spinning on top of their poles.

[Phileleutherus Lipsiensis]

Er, the entire paragraph.

[mk]

Whatever happened to restraint being one of the marks of a true artist?

Less mutants and a few more gay cowboys eating pudding please.

[Cathy]

So Nick, posting before coffee? That's Roger not Rober.

Looking forward to seeing what they're going to do with Dark Phoenix.

[Mark]

I'm going to check out X-Men. But only for the popcorn.

[coarsetad]

Hey! No talk of being a dud. This is the summer movie I've been waiting for. And Memorial Day weekend is my birthday, so it's my "movie birthday present." No F-ing it up, people. You think Superman is gonna be better or something?

[Bubba Zanetti]

Infintely worse than X-men 3 are the rumored plans to introduce the Silver Surfer in the next Fantastic Four movie...Super. The greatest comic book character of all time buried in an unwatchable film.

[Mark]

The greatest comic book character of all time

Whhooooooaaaa. Brave words bubba. Brave words.....

Don't let THE GREEN LANTERN hear you say that!!!

YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[taktix]

Silver Surfer?

He sucks. Who wants to watch an infallable hero with no chance of... well, failing.

I'm willing to give X3 the benefit of the doubt because of the director problems they had making the film. Also, I can't wait to see how Vinnie Jones portrays Juggernaught.

Also, as with all sci-fi related threads, I have to do my Browncoat duty and tell everyone to watch Joss Whedon's Firefly. Libertarian themes galore.

[Timothy]

Green Lantern? The only hero lamer is Aquaman.

OH NO, MY WEAKNES....YELLOW!

[Mark]

Green Lantern? The only hero lamer is Aquaman.

Holy crap! You're lucky I don't have my authentic, special edition, commemorative lantern 'RING OF POWER' otherwise I'd punish you. Hard.

[Phileleutherus Lipsiensis]

Excelsior!

[Jeff P]

I will not be happy until Batrok Zee Leaper makes a film appearance.

[Iron Lungfish]

Within context, it's pretty clear that Ebert isn't taking a Dobbsian anti-immigrant stance of the "too many Messicans" variety, but is simply critiquing the film's narrative coherence:

My guess is there are just plain too many mutants, and their powers are so various and ill-matched that it's hard to keep them all on the same canvas. The addition of Beast, Angel and Leech, not to mention Multiple Man, Juggernaut and the revived Dr. Jean Grey (reborn as Dark Phoenix) causes a Mutant Jam, because there are too many X-Men with too many powers for a 104-minute movie. There are times when the director, Brett Ratner, seems to be scurrying from one plot line to another like that guy who had to keep all of his plates spinning on top of their poles.

[Iron Lungfish]

And everyone should love the Silver Surfer. He's Space Jesus, dipped in chrome and flying through the universe on a cosmic surfboard.

[Baylen]

Actually Nicolas "Nic" Cage as Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze in a live-action flick is much closer to the greatest thing ever being turned into the worst thing ever. Not even Eva Mendes can save that turd from being flushed.

[Pro Libertate]

The Green Lantern is not lame. I'm way past my comic book years, but I seem to recall that the Green Lanterns were among the great powers in the galaxy--maybe even close to Superman standards in some regards.

Aquaman is only lame if the world has other supervillains and superheroes. If I had aqua powers in the real world, I could kick some major ass.

[Stormy Dragon]

>Rober Ebert--nobody's idea of homo superior

I disagree, his review of North alone is enough to earn him the title of greatest film critic ever:

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

[Baylen]

Actually Nicolas "Nic" Cage as Ghost Rider Johnny Blaze in a live-action flick is much closer to the greatest thing ever being turned into the worst thing ever. Not even Eva Mendes can save that turd from being flushed.

[Stormy Dragon]

>Rober Ebert--nobody's idea of homo superior

I disagree, his review of North alone is enough to earn him the title of greatest film critic ever:

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

[SR]

"Green Lantern? The only hero lamer is Aquaman."

To quote Guy Gardner (Sector 2814's second-tier Green Lantern): Them's fightin' words!

[Stormy Dragon]

>Rober Ebert--nobody's idea of homo superior

I disagree, his review of North alone is enough to earn him the title of greatest film critic ever:

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

[*]

I think you're all losing sight of the fact that the first two X-men movies sucked monkey balls, and the third one likely will too.

[Mark]

And everyone should love the Silver Surfer. He's Space Jesus, dipped in chrome and flying through the universe on a cosmic surfboard.

But he doesn't have any genitals.

[biologist]

just to prove my comic book geekiness:

Green Lanterns' power rings are no longer susceptible to the yellow weakness

Timothy, When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address

[SR]

"Green Lantern? The only hero lamer is Aquaman."

To quote Guy Gardner (Sector 2814's second-tier Green Lantern): Them's fightin' words!

[SR]

Sorry for the double post.

[Mark]

Good post Biologist.

God I love The Onion.

And as for Aquaman, he will always have a special place in my heart for providing the 'doesn't have gills' line that Comic Book Guy delivers in the Simpsons.

'OOohh I've wasted my life'....

[Xmas]

Silver Surfer as Space Jesus?

Wasn't the Surfer's job to go and find planets that Galactus could eat?

Which is a good indication that if (I can't believe I'm typing these words) they have ol' Shiny Ass in the Fantastic Four sequel, they'll probably have Galactus too.

[Larry Edelstein]

Another vote for Ebert! He's a great writer, the best writer among movie critics working today. Movie crit isn't about writing stuff people agree with; it's about entertaining them, and revealing the aspects of movies that would otherwise go unelucidated. He's great at that.

[eth4n]

Just go see "Nacho Libre"
http://www.nacholibre.com/
I think this answers all imigration issues...

[eth4n]

Just go see

NACHO LIBRE

I think this answers all imigration issues...

[SPD]

You think Superman is gonna be better or something?

Of course not... I know it is. Happy Birthday!

[Stevo Darkly]

Aquaman is only lame if the world has other supervillains and superheroes. If I had aqua powers in the real world, I could kick some major ass.

If I had an aqua superpower, you know what I'd want it to be? The ability to jump in a body of water without having to pinch my nose closed.

[Pro Libertate]

This is hardly authoritative (I got it from the Aquaman wiki), but here's a summary of his powers:

Aquaman possesses the abilities to breathe underwater, communicate via telepathy with all forms of sea life, and swim at fast speeds. He also possesses superhuman levels of strength, speed, endurance, and durability, all by-products of his body being adapted to survive unprotected in the tremendous pressures of the ocean depths. Also, since Aquaman is able to dive to extreme depths and resurface from those depths at high speeds with no apparent ill effects, it can be assumed that he is immune to the effects of nitrogen narcosis and decompression sickness.

Nothing wrong with super strength, speed, etc. And playing god with sea life seems like a fun hobby. Especially when I go fishing with my brother: "Look, another 80-lb grouper. What do you know?"

[Stevo Darkly]

I would also like the ability to seduce mermaids.

[Pro Libertate]

Oh, yeah, that's a good power to have, too. I'm sure that comes with the Aquaman gig.

[Chris]

"it can be assumed that he is immune to the effects of nitrogen narcosis and decompression sickness."

I thought those problems were only associated with breathing compressed air (from a scuba tank). Free divers don't suffer from these problems. However, if Aquaman were to forego his water breathing talent and use scuba gear for an underwater excursion, we could settle the argument whether he truly is immune to nitrogen narcosis or decompression sickness. Does anyone have any back issues where Aquaman performed such an experiment?

[Shem]

I'm sorry, but talking to fish is not a power, people. It's barely even a skill.

[Shem]

Especially when I go fishing with my brother: "Look, another 80-lb grouper. What do you know?

Wouldn't that be dangerously close to cannibalism?

[Jason Ligon]

"I would also like the ability to seduce mermaids."

No good if you're a leg man.

[Pro Libertate]

Shem, but there's the super strength and speed. I'd take those. Now it's perfectly true that aqua powers suck in the face of other super-powered folk, but if you were the only one with such powers, well, that sounds okay.

[otis wildflower]

Ebert has been dead to me ever since his Team America review. He's gone off trippin' in a haze of pink commie smoke.

[otis wildflower]

"I would also like the ability to seduce mermaids."

"Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid, with the fish half on top and the lady half on the bottom?"

[dc]

Stormy Dragon: Awww, I remember really, really liking North when I saw it as a kid. (The book was better though.) Maybe that should be one of those childhood memories I don't revisit, though.

"Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid, with the fish half on top and the lady half on the bottom?"
Ricky Gervais has a really good bit about mermaid-fucking in his standup comedy act "Animals". I don't remember the exact phrasing, I just encourage you all to find it (Amazon.co.uk? BitTorrent? I dunno) and watch it, it's quite funny.
"You mean... you'd fuck a fish head... with LEGS?"
"Awwww, what're you gonna do, Gervais? Fucking make her laugh?"*

*obviously it's all about the delivery, though

[dc]

Stormy Dragon: Awww, I remember really, really liking North when I saw it as a kid. (The book was better though.) Maybe that should be one of those childhood memories I don't revisit, though.

"Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid, with the fish half on top and the lady half on the bottom?"
Ricky Gervais has a really good bit about mermaid-fucking in his standup comedy act "Animals". I don't remember the exact phrasing, I just encourage you all to find it (Amazon.co.uk? BitTorrent? I dunno) and watch it, it's quite funny.
"You mean... you'd fuck a fish head... with LEGS?"
"Awwww, what're you gonna do, Gervais? Fucking make her laugh?"*

*obviously it's all about the delivery, though