The Boy (and Girl) in the Bubble

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Think you've heard the worst of less-than-zero-tolerance policies in public schools? Welcome to Culver City, California—mere walking distance from the Reason Foundation's worldwide HQ—where the students are no longer allowed to touch each other.

Most infractions of the policy result in a warning; but more serious behavior, such as fighting or kissing, could result in calls home or even suspension.

Did they just call kissing a "serious" offense, worthy of suspension? Oh yes they did. Check out crazed Assistant Principal Hiram Celis:

"When I'm out there and see something inappropriate, I'll let them know. I don't think parents know they have boyfriends and girlfriends," he said, adding that he believes holding hands could "lead to more intimate situations."

[Principal Jerry] Kosch agreed. "You let them hold hands, next thing they're on the grass" kissing, he said. When he sees two students holding hands, he said, he usually gives them a funny look or simply says, "no contact."

Next up: mandatory chastity rings, so these sheltered young things can at least learn some new positions.

NEXT: Who's Afraid of the MLA?

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  1. What about screwing teachers? That’s still cool, right?

  2. And then a disaffected teen (Kevin Bacon) moves to town…

  3. Matt,

    This is not France. Mais oui?

  4. With any luck, the administrators will be able to wipe every last bit of humanity from their charges.

    Who wants to place bets as to how long before one of these students is suspended or expelled for touching another student, performing the Heimlich Maneuver or CPR?

  5. touchcrimers unbellyfeel Ingsoc.

  6. I wonder if the principal got this idea after watching the prison scenes from Arrested Development.

    NO TOUCHING!!

  7. Kinda gives some new challenges to contact sports, don’t ya’ think.

    Baseball’s probably safe but a good scrappy basketball or football game is definitely out. And don’t even think about wrestling…

    If they want to prevent fighting and kissing, why don’t they just ban fighting and kissing.

    Zero tolerance leads to stupid punishments over unitended consequences.

    I can’t wait to see the valedictorian with a 4.2 GPA, a slot at Annapolis and a full-ride to MIT knocked out because they bumped into someone in the lunch line.

  8. The policy is basically an unwritten rule, [Principal] Kosch said. Nowhere does it appear in the school’s Student/Parent Handbook, distributed at the beginning of each academic year. Rather, he said, the no-contact rule is a “catch phrase for administrators, teachers and security to say to the students [that is] short and to the point.”

    The scary thing is that school officials think that punishing students for breaking haphazardly enforced, unwritten “catch phrase” rules is preparing them to live in our future society. Do they know something we don’t?

  9. God help the kids who shake hands after a game of football.

  10. We must stop the spread of cooties!

  11. Some students said it was their understanding that all hugs, even between friends, were banned; others said they believed only contact between boyfriends and girlfriends was forbidden. (Administrators say hugging between friends is permitted.)

    Well, I guess that’s one benefit to getting the ol’ “let’s just be friends” line…

  12. In this War on Cooties you’re either with us or against us.

  13. In the halcyon days of the 60s, they’d raid the administration’s office and stage a sit-in to protest…well, any number of things. I say it’s time these kids learned from their grandparents, raided the pricipal’s office, and staged a good, old-fasioned fuck-in.

  14. Well, at least they can request copies of the Little Red Book without having to worry about DHS agents showing up.

    Ass.

  15. I dunno about baseball either – what happens if you have to tag someone out? Is a leather glove a sufficient prophylactic? I fear not…

  16. Call it the Yenta theory of education: “From such babies come other babies…”

  17. Isn’t this what is supposed to happen when Christians take over the school system?

    I thought Socialized Education was supposed to be rational

  18. This just shows that the far left and the far right meet each other on the far side of the circular clusterfuck that is American politics.

    Thank Friedman I’m a Libertarian.

  19. Is this really new? We had some sort of ban against “Public Displays of Affection” (PDA) when I was in high school, and that was twenty years ago.

  20. If they want to prevent fighting and kissing, why don’t they just ban fighting and kissing.

    Exactly. Because there’s definitely nothing more disruptive to the school day than watching two girls fighting, then kissing, in the hallway.

    At least, I know I couldn’t focus on algebra after watching that.

  21. Now kids will have to make out at home under the watchful eyes of their parents.

    Also, no touching puts Cross Country right out. How can you race if you’re not allowed to elbow the other team into a tree or punch them in the kidney?

  22. Well, everyone knows that hand holding is just a gateway embrace for kissing.

    How dare these students act according to their genetic predispositions?

    Seriously, though, does it really make any sense to not allow young primates to TOUCH?

    I wonder if the principal got this idea after watching the prison scenes from Arrested Development.

    It’s amazing how often prison policy seems to inform school policy. It’s as if school officials have just given up on the kids.

  23. Is this really new? We had some sort of ban against “Public Displays of Affection” (PDA) when I was in high school, and that was twenty years ago.

    PDA has always been banned. What’s new is the way it has been criminalized, thanks to the every-man-a-rapist feminists.

  24. I hope the Reason Foundation staff will hold a love-in at the school to protest.

  25. Next up: we go off the deep end of victorian morality and put them to bed in straight jackets and circumcise the boys just after birth.

    Nah, we’d never go so far as to do such things here.

  26. Hey! The Advice Goddess linked to the same pair of assless chaps that I posted a link to the other day.

  27. Just a question…is the phrase “assless chaps” redundant? “Assless chaps certainly is a lovely utterance, but I thought all chaps were assless. I thought that that’s what made them chaps and not pants.

  28. All these questions…SOMEONE has TOO MUCH time on their hands. (lonesome bulldog!)

    There’s no room here for your pedantic pontificating. Let the “assless chaps” be. Don’t spoil a good thing that we’ve got going here!!! (They’re all I have…)

    Annoyedly,

    smacky
    President Emeritus, Assless Chaps Society, Midwest America Chapter.

  29. I see a sudden uptick in people waving their hands in front of each other and saying “I’m not touching you.”

  30. I’m sorry Smacky. Smack that chapless ass 🙂

  31. All your chap (assless or otherwise) belong to Smacky.

  32. Students. Vile little mammals, craving contact. And worse, developing s-e-x-u-a-l u-r-g-e-s!

  33. Maybe these people ought to look into hiring some consultants to help enforce this policy. I hear the Taliban is looking for work. If they would just make all the girls wear burkas and keep them in separate classrooms, it would solve the whole kissing problem real quick.

  34. I remember dealing with policies like this when I was in Elementary school. Even a friendly shoulder around your friend’s neck would warrant a warning from our overly bureaucratic principal. And wasn’t a 1st grader boy suspended for sexual harassment for giving a friendly kiss to a classmate a couple of years ago?

  35. If they would just make all the girls wear burkas and keep them in separate classrooms, it would solve the whole kissing problem real quick.

    According to Tom Coburn, they’d just start kissing each other.

  36. “According to Tom Coburn, they’d just start kissing each other.”

    That’s kinda cool… Heh!

  37. After gym class, will girls still be allowed to style each other’s hair in the locker rooms?

  38. What would the school do it two guys were holding hands and kissing? I bet they would not say shit about it as lawsuits would insue. But a guy kissing a gir? They would have to put a stop to that. Thats gross!

  39. Rich Ard:
    What about screwing teachers? That’s still cool, right?

    Yes of course. Hell yes! (Applies to male student’s only of course!)

  40. Ethan – It’s amazing how often prison policy seems to inform school policy. It’s as if school officials have just given up on the kids.

    Dingdingdingdingding! Tell him what he’s won, Don Pardo… We have a problem with kids in this society. We won’t let them work, and we won’t let them just wander around freely, either. So, we set up these juvenile detention facilities we call “schools” to keep them safely locked away most of the time…

  41. But a guy kissing a gir?

    That should be girl of course. Who in their right mind would kiss a gir?

  42. And people say homeschooling is bad because it stunts social development.

  43. Hey, Captain Holly–Don’t blame the feminists for these ridiculous rules. I’m a feminist and clearly like to get my groove on with the boys. Besides, how many feminists do you know that run primary schools? In all my years of schooling, I only had one female in any administrative position of power, and she didn’t strike me as much of a feminist. ‘Course, I was only in kindergarten, so it’s not like we had any deep talks together…

  44. So, if we have sex while Freak Dancing, and I wear a condom, no actual contact has taken place.

    I can’t wait for the next dance in the gym…

  45. Hey, Captain Holly–Don’t blame the feminists for these ridiculous rules. I’m a feminist and clearly like to get my groove on with the boys. Besides, how many feminists do you know that run primary schools? In all my years of schooling, I only had one female in any administrative position of power, and she didn’t strike me as much of a feminist.

    Ms. Phat:

    I have no doubt libertarian feminists enjoy a consensual roll in the hay.

    But they’re not the ones running the schools. In my daughter’s school, for example, the only males on staff are the janitor and a 6th-grade teacher. The administrators are all female. And judging by the political positions of the teacher’s unions, they’re definitely left-of-center.

    Furthermore, that’s not uncommon. Male teachers have become an endangered species.

  46. That should be girl of course. Who in their right mind would kiss a gir?

    Maybe if they have cupcakes…

    PS: I don’t have any idea what http://www.roomwithamoose.com is about; this was just the result of my image search for “gir.” It doesn’t have anything to do with Viking Moose AFIK, although it does seem to share his online whacky sensibility.

  47. The tone of this post and comments to it seems polemic and snarky. Schools are for learning, but teenage sexusl behavior is gettting more blatant there. I could link to a couple of my blog posts thinking about this matter, but I feel as though I’m in the wrong room here today.

  48. Furthermore, that’s not uncommon. Male teachers have become an endangered species.

    Yup. Slight threadjack: when I was teaching, I remember the national union magazine once had a classified ad for some summer professional-development-thing that would look very good on the resume of a professional teacher. But the ad said that applicants must be “female, or a male of non-European descent.” In other words, no white males need apply.

    Now, I’m opposed to racial or sexual preferences in hiring anyway, but I thought THAT example was extra-stupid, because the overwhelming majority of teachers are white women. So if you’re using racial or gender-based criteria to increase the diversity of teaching staffs, what you need to do is discriminate against white women like me. And grab any male teacher wannabe you can find, even if he IS one of those dreaded European-ancestry guys.

    (I did not apply for the position. But I would have, if I could have somehow first changed bodies with a white male from South Africa. Hee hee!)

  49. I’d have been so down with Jesus they would have had to pry me out of the pew.

    When I first read this, I thought Bill Maher wanted to/was willing to go down on Jesus.

    There. I have to live with that image, and now so do all of you. I guess it’s true; pain shared *is* pain halved.

  50. Schools are for learning, but teenage sexusl behavior is gettting more blatant there

    The problem is, this law doesn’t just ban sexual behavior, but all human contact. Teens shouldn’t be making out in the halls between classes, but what is wrong with holding hands? What is wrong with hugging your friend to celebrate getting a college acceptance letter? Or giving a sad friend a hug in consolation?

  51. That should be girl of course. Who in their right mind would kiss a gir?

    Maybe if they have cupcakes…

    Cudos Stevo, I didn’t think of Goggling my typo but I wish I would have.

  52. (I did not apply for the position. But I would have, if I could have somehow first changed bodies with a white male from South Africa. Hee hee!)

    I went to university (in Canada) with a woman who was white as the driven snow, but hailed from – yup – Johannesburg. She had to beat off the scholarship offers with a stick, because on paper she was a “woman of African descent”.

    Sadly, this being Canada, she had more than one bursary offer rescinded once they discovered she was white. They didn’t even try to pretend there was any other reason.

    The problem is, this law doesn’t just ban sexual behavior, but all human contact.

    Along the lines of the love-in sugestion earlier, I suggest the students of Culver City adopt a hearty handshake policy. Shake hands with everyone, including and especially your teachers. Every time you see them. Every day. Sooner or later someone in the administration is going to freak out, and then the media can have a field day with a school that banned students shaking hands with each other.

  53. and here’s the new dress code standard for the Culver City Middle School girls’ swimming and diving team

    that’s hot!

  54. Do you not know the wonders if ZIM!?!

    To wikipedia I send you!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GIR_%28Invader_Zim%29

  55. I don’t think parents know they have boyfriends and girlfriends,” he said,

    Yeah, right. Parents of 7th and 8th graders have *no* idea that their kids are hitting puberty and are starting to have boyfriends and girlfriends. Either he grossly underestimates everyone’s intelligence or I greatly overestimate the same.

  56. It really should be a selective rule, depending on how much the kissing/touching in question is grossing everyone out. I’m thinking in particular about in couple Steve and Wendy from my senior year in high school, who insisted on choosing my long-time lunch spot grassy knoll as their new lunch-time make out spot for a couple of weeks. Pretty much as a matter of nutritional survival I went back to eating the cafeteria for a few weeks, the scenery was less grotesque. A lot less.

  57. “Just a question…is the phrase “assless chaps” redundant?”

    No. I believe that assless refers to how they are worn. Normally chaps are worn over pants. However assless chaps are worn without pants.

  58. “The knowledge, it fills me! It is neat!”

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