Osama Endorses Kyoto

Or so claims the Daily Telegraph. Insert your own punchline.

Comments

[Isaac Bartram]

Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty.

Well, we've already ditched the constitution so we're part of the way there. 🙂

[Ira Weatheral]

So now we get to see this knucklehead on Leno and the Daily Show shilling for his book?

I liked him better in his cave.

[Isaac Bartram]

D'oh!!!!

[Dubya]

Well, I guess this means that all those environmentalists are really low-down-stinking turrrerists. We'll begin indefinate detainment of them immediately.

[Dick Cheney]

And we'll treat them humanely. They'll be fed free-range chicken and issued a copy of "Silent Spring".

[MP]

M1EK,

You're either with us, or against us.

[David Cordell Rollins]

Where do I signup to urinate on the copy of "Silent Spring"?

[Grant Gould]

I hear that Osama also breathes, eats, and excretes. All true patriots are obliged to refrain from these terroristical pastimes!

[joe]

Just remember, nothing - Nothing! - our country does in the international arena provides terrorists with tools to turn people against us.

Now the media, that's different. But not our government!

[ralphus]

Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty.

His terms for America's surrender appeared after the September 2001 suicide attacks and include demands that amount to the abandonment of much of western life.

Alcohol and gambling would be barred and there would be an end to women's photos in newspapers or advertising.

Any woman serving "passengers, visitors and strangers", presumably anyone from air stewardesses to waitresses, would also be out of a job.

Somebody want to remind me why it's silly to believe there is a fanatic movement bent on destroying our way of life?

The Kyoto bit is classic though. See besides the misogyny, homophobia, religious fanaticism, totalitarianism and homicidal streak he's really just a responsible global citizen. I bet if we just signed Kyoto he'd go away and leave us alone.

[saw-whet]

OT - Finally a group for me! From UPI via Sploid:

Group Wants To See Humans Extinct

SAN FRANCISCO, Nov. 16 (UPI) -- Make no mistake about it, the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement isn't anti-child, it's more like anti-human.

The VHE is dedicated to phasing out the human race in the interest of the health of the Earth, founder Les Knight told Wednesday's San Francisco Chronicle.

With 16,000 people born per hour and a current global population of 6.5 billion, there are already more than enough people on the planet, Knight said.

A 1994 study concluded a single person born in the 1990s would be responsible during a lifetime for 22 million pounds of liquid waste and 2.2 million pounds each of solid waste and atmospheric waste, the newspaper said. He or she will have a lifetime consumption of 4,000 barrels of oil, 1.5 million pounds of minerals and 62,000 pounds of animal products that will necessitate the slaughter of 2,000 animals.

"Wherever humans live, not much else lives," Knight said. "It isn't that we're evil and want to kill everything -- it's just how we live."

Knight, who had a vasectomy at age 25, emphasizes VHE likes kids and says many of its members are parents as well as children.

[Ed]

There is much disinformation about poor Osama. His enemies have been spreading lies about his wives, but I have it on good authority that only seven are actual camels.

[Viking Moose with LaPetomane]

can't beat the punchline of the story.

sigh.

[sage]

If he saves the environment, we all win.

[gaijin]

I wonder if Osama drives a Prius?

[linguist]

That Voluntary Human Extinction Movement...I think is related to a "religion" I came across a while back. Same beliefs, but church membership requires
1. A promise never to procreate. Should a woman become pregnant, she promises to have an abortion.
2. Right to death.
3. Suicide.

Neat, huh? A church that lists suicide as one of its tenets?

[linguist]

Ah, there it is! No, I was mischaracterizing slightly. It's the Church of Euthanasia and its four pillars are

suicide, abortion, cannibalism, sodomy

[guy in the back row]

If Osama is pushing his demands, I see the stick but where's the carrot?

Will I get 72 virgins if I join his crusade? Heck, he'd probably get half the US Senate to sign up for that deal!!

[gaijin]

It's the Church of Euthanasia and its four pillars are

suicide, abortion, cannibalism, sodomy

In what order?

[ralphus]

I wonder if Osama drives a Prius?

Yes, but it's loaded with C-4.

[saw-whet]

Voluntary Human Extinction Movement + Earth First!

Seriously, you don't want to date a person with that kind of baggage. Unless they have good weed, of course.

But Ossama would have been worse.

[scape]

When did The Onion buy The Telegraph?

[Cromulent]

I wonder if Osama drives a Prius?

Yes, but it's loaded with C-4.

HA!

[Yogi]

In the book the terrorist responsible for the deaths of 3,000 civilians in September 2001 says that killing the innocent is wrong. In bin Laden's world a global conflict is under way between the umma, or Muslim community, and unbelievers.

Huh? So everyone working in the WTC were evil?

[Yogi]

ick, bad grammar...
It should probably read: ...everyone who worked in the WTC was..

[AML]

Well, at least now we know what the doctrinal difference between Osama and Pat Robertson is - the Kyoto protocols.

[Dave]

"A 1994 study concluded a single person born in the 1990s would be responsible during a lifetime for 22 million pounds of liquid waste and 2.2 million pounds each of solid waste and atmospheric waste"

I guess these people must be huge advocates for whaling.

[dead_elvis]

Any word on what Hitler thought of the Kyoto Protocol?

[Jim Walsh]

Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty.

Substitute Christianity for Islam and you've pretty much got Pat Robertson's agenda...

[jw]

Osama driving a Prius (or anything else) loaded with c-4 and becoming a suicide bomber is about as likely as Bush sending his daughters to fight in Iraq.

[Jaybird]

"Huh? So everyone working in the WTC were evil?"

I have it on good authority that they were little Eichmanns.

[Eric II]

Any word on what Hitler thought of the Kyoto Protocol?

The Nazis were pretty big on environmentalism. Even set up nature preserves and put certain birds and animals under legal protection.

[ralphus]

Osama driving a Prius (or anything else) loaded with c-4 and becoming a suicide bomber is about as likely as Bush sending his daughters to fight in Iraq.

Agreed. But it's still a funny image.

To me anyway.

To be semi serious - I wonder how many carbon credits it would take to offset what was released in the 9/11 attacks?

[ajay]

"I wonder how many carbon credits it would take to offset what was released in the 9/11 attacks?"

None, probably. Don't forget that US airspace was closed for three days afterwards, and air travel (you'll pardon the expression) nosedived thereafter - 9/11 was probably good for the planet overall. Of course, you have to factor in the extra fuel burnt in the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

So bin Laden wants -
US troops out of Saudi (good idea; which he's got)
End to US support for corrupt Arab regimes (good idea; happening)
Overthrow of the Saud family (good idea; possibly happening soon)
US to end support for Israel (good idea)
US to sign Kyoto (good idea)

Remind me again why he's the bad guy?

[gaijin]

Remind me again why he's the bad guy?

Because if he doesn't get what he wants, then he'll kill you.

[James]

Could someone please explain how signing Kyoto is a good idea?

[Apostate]

"Remind me again why he's the bad guy?"

When he's sitting on the throne of the combined Islamic Caliphate of Saudi Arabia, Iraq, and Iran and he sells gas at $200 per barrel to non muslim nations and at cost to muslims nations, that will be bad.

But not for me, I'll switch to paying lip service to Mohammed instead of lip service to Jesus.

[ralphus]

Remind me again why he's the bad guy?

The whole women subjugating, homosexual killing, no gambling no drinking thing would make him kind of pill at a party.

That and wanting us to ditch what's left of the Constitution is kinda not cool. Sure the old document ain't what she used to be, but I'll still take a half enforced Constitution over fully enforced shiara.

Oh and he wants us all to die in a sea of holy fire. Which is kinda of dickish.

[thoreau]

So, Bin Laden's reached the point in his career where people are releasing his Collected Works and "Best of" compilations.

I wonder if he'll stage a comeback and start releasing videos again.

[ralphus]

So, Bin Laden's reached the point in his career where people are releasing his Collected Works and "Best of" compilations.

I wonder if he'll stage a comeback and start releasing videos again.

Maybe this proves he's dead. Does wonders for your career.

Can't wait for Puffy's fatwa remix featuring Osama, Biggie and Tupac.

[thoreau]

ralphus-

It would really suck if he died and we didn't even realize it. I sort of lean toward him being dead, seeing as how he stopped releasing new videos. I know that Zarqawi is the big star these days, but I'm pretty sure that if Bin Laden released a new video the news channels would put him in the rotation.

Well, maybe not the newer stations like Fox News and MSNBC. But those old school news channels like CNN, with their nostalgic demographic, would definitely show his videos.

[V Moose]

what, Thoreau, like a comeback duet with Boy George? But then those two would get into a bitchslapping contest over who has the bigger hair.

Why not go for a trio and add David Hasselhof into the mix. then the video would be big in germany.

[thoreau]

I guess what it comes down to is that Bin Laden needs a new manager. And maybe a tour to jump start his career.

If he does a show in Manhattan, I'm sure that a lot of people would be eager to attend. Of course, they might run afoul of the mandatory searches at the entrance, what with the torches and oil and wood. But maybe they could get rope past the security.

[ralphus]

thoreau.

So your saying Zarqawi is the Puff Daddy of the islamist world?

[ralphus]

remix

So you're saying that Zarqawi is the Puff Daddy of the Islamist world.

[Geotech]

US to sign Kyoto (good idea)

Why is this a good idea?