Patty Duke Is My President

There's been a lot of hullabaloo surrounding Commander in Chief, the unintentional dramedy and imperial-presidency fantasy that stars Geena Davis as the nation's first female president (not counting Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, and that long string of benchwarmers with Shirley Partridge-style sideburns before the Civil War).

For all the chatter about Commander in Chief, you'd think it was the first time TV portrayed the Ovum Office. While researching (all right, "researching") a story, I stumbled across this Internet Movie Database entry about a one-season wonder from 1985--midway through the Ronnie Raygun years, when we were all snorting coke that we bought from contras through rolled-up savings & loan certificates during parties celebrating the death of the poor and winnable nuclear war in Europe (really, could Europe be worse off?):

Plot Summary for "Hail to the Chief" (1985)

Julia Mansfield is the first woman to be elected President of the United States. In addition to dealing with the threat of nuclear war with the Soviet Union, spies in the cabinet, and personal attacks by a conservative religious leader, she also has to handle such personal problems as an impotent husband and a sex scandal involving her son.

An impotent First Husband? A White House sex scandal? Comic Russkies? How did we ever Just Say No to this in the '80s? Yet I've got to admit that this one passed under my radar every bit as much as the spectacular 1981 Saturday Night Live flameout of funnyman-cum-suicide Charles Rocket and the entire runs of Golden Girls, Who's The Boss?, and the last 20 years of Happy Days (when the gang ran a dude ranch on the 3rd moon of Jupiter, Joanie and Chachi toured the heavens as an intergalactic version of Ike and Tina Turner, and Ralph Malph was named God-Emperor of Dune).

But the plots for HTC practically write themselves: The French prime minister arrives for a state dinner…and is an exact double for President Mansfield…through a strange mix-up they are mistaken for each other…hilarity ensues….

And check out this cast--more half-stars than there are in half-heaven: Patty Duke as the prez; Ted "Donald from That Girl!" Bessell; Dick "The Ultimate Stage Death" Shawn as Premier Dmitri Zolotov; Herschel "Voice of Charlie the Starkist Tuna" Bernardi as Helmut Luger; Murray "The mayor in Jaws" Hamilton; and the inestimable John "Dean Wormer" Vernon as Gen. Hannibal Stryker (you can hear his Curtis LeMay-like lines in your head right now, can't you?). Throw in a trollishly adolescent Quinn "The Goodbye Girl" Cummings as an Amy Carter manque and it's simply a national embarrassment that this show got its ass kicked in the ratings by Scarecrow & Mrs. King, Simon & Simon, Hardcastle & McCormick, and just about every other show on the air back then.

But then again, Carter Country didn't last too long, either, did it?

Why do dramas about the White House seem to fare better than sitcoms (That's My Bush! anyone? How about the DVD of the half-season of DAG?)? Perhaps it's because dramas such as The West Wing and Commander in Chief hold open the fantasy that the president of the United States is not in fact a real-life sitcom character.

Back in 1997, I mused over why Bill Clinton ushered in an age of presidential films (all of them crap!). And back in 2000, Reason's Chuck Freund wrote a requiem for the president as commander in chief. After 9/11, that changed of course, but it seems to be slipping back toward something less martial yet again. Read about the "new presidential identity" here and picture Patty Duke yukking it up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Comments

[Jesse Walker]

Bob Newhart is my president.

[Shem]

Okay, I give. What is it that made Franklin Pierce a female President. Buchanan and his *ahem* bachelorhood I can understand, but Pierce?

[Not David]

My mother watched that show.

The horror.

[some guy who liked SOAP]

Well, OK, the show sucked nards.

But, it was conceived by the lady who thought up SOAP, Benson, and the Golden Girls.

Right, that last one...

...

...

... something about her and chronic fatigue syndrome or something...

[Tim Higgins]

" . . . Scarecrow & Mrs. King, Simon & Simon, Hardcastle & McCormick . . ."

Isn't it obvious? What Hail to the Cheif was missing was an ampersand in its title.

[Windypundit]

"...first female president (not counting Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, and that long string of benchwarmers with Shirley Partridge-style sideburns before the Civil War)...Ovum Office...Ronnie Raygun years, when we were all snorting coke that we bought from contras through rolled-up savings & loan certificates during parties celebrating the death of the poor and winnable nuclear war in Europe...last 20 years of Happy Days (when the gang ran a dude ranch on the 3rd moon of Jupiter, Joanie and Chachi toured the heavens as an intergalactic version of Ike and Tina Turner, and Ralph Malph was named God-Emperor of Dune)..."

Nick, I think you need to ease off the drugs for a few days, m'kay?

[GM]

I remember one episode of 'Hail to the Chief' in which the President and First Mister watch porn in the bedroom in order to get in the mood. I still think about that scene. It was a formative moment.

[biologist]

thanks for the Dune reference

[thoreau]

Dennis Haysbert is MY President!

[Derek Ashworth]

That's some classic Suck-style Nick Gillepsie fer ya. I laughed so hard my nuts hurt.

[Ruthless]

Maybe because this bit of wisdom from the founder of the Vanguard Funds has been rattling around my skull lately: The percent of your portfolio in bonds should equal your age...
that I have come up with a rule of "thumb" of my own. Yeah, thumb.
The range in age of women that stir your soul is your age minus 5.

thoreau, check my math, then explain how this is one of those rare advantages of growing older. (Put in fudge factors for those who haven't been born yet, and those statistically dead.)

That was going a long way to say I love Patty Duke, Sally Field, Annette Funicello, Dolly Parton, Geena Davis, Jane Fonda... and so on, among others older and younger, including The Little Woman.

[mtc]

I think West Wing is a fantastic show. There, I said it. Love the show, hate the politics, I think its the best thing on tv. Or at least it was, season three-ish.

Yep.

[madpad]

Whatever happened to Quinn Cummings, BTW.

I'll never forget when she went on the Carson show and said, "Gee, Johnny, it's so nice to see you on your show for once."

[panurge]

Patty Duke made a movie called "Me, Natalie" that was never put out on video that I've never seen. Wonder if they'll put it out on DVD?

[Akira MacKenzie]

Emperor Leto II* is my president!

(Not to derail the thread, but wouldn't he be technically Leto III since his brother who was killed as an infant in Dune was also named Leto?)

[Ammonium]

That's My Bush was a show that was on the brink of television greatness. But 9/11 came and we all learned that if you make a funny TV show about the presidency, the terrorists have won.

[Stevo Darkly]

I still prefer "Donald Sutherland is my president."

[grylliade]

(Not to derail the thread, but wouldn't he be technically Leto III since his brother who was killed as an infant in Dune was also named Leto?)

<?ber-geek>

No, because his infant brother was never the reigning duke. For instance, if Prince Charles dies before his mum and never ascends the throne, that won't make any future British kings named Charles "Charles IV." Since he is, in fact, only the heir, and not the king, his name doesn't affect the numbering convention. (In point of fact, Charles plans to take the name George VII should he ascend the throne, or so Wikipedia says. Take it with a grain of salt, but there seems to be no reason to believe otherwise, especially since the previous Kings Charles were so lousy.)

As an aside, Leto should actually have been Leto I (or just Leto, since the Empire died with him, I believe). Paul's father never was emperor, just duke, so he shouldn't count for numbering purposes. Nor would he be Leto II even if just numbering within the ducal line, since non-regnant lines don't use numbering. Of course, this takes place thousands of years in the future, so things may have changed. But it seems more likely that Herbert just didn't know that much about conventions of nobility like this.

</?ber-geek>

[Hakluyt]

Did his brother ever reign? If not, then he was never Leto II. In other words, if a prince dies before he becomes king or emporer, he isn't counted in the line of kings or emporers. Which is of course why the current Prince of Wales' younger son (barring the death of Prince William) will never be Henry IX. Of course it will be interesting to see whether Charles actually outlives his mother and becomes Charles III, who would be the first Charles on the throne since the death of Charles II in 1685. And yes, I know way too fucking much about European royal families. 🙂

[Hakluyt]

Maybe he's afraid he'll be run out of London on a rail and he'll have to toss his signet ring in the Thames. 🙂

[Douglas Fletcher]

It's all pathetic. They shouldn't even try. Maybe if Jerry Lewis had made a movie with himself as president (maybe a Prince & the Pauper variation?) there'd be something worth talking about.

By the way, is West Wing really a drama? The one episode I saw was so bad I thought it was another one of those comedies like Murphy Brown, you know, like, never ever funny in a million years. Maybe I would have appreciated it more if I had known it was serious.

[jf]

Re: Buchanan

John C. Fremont would have been worse?

[Shem]

But it seems more likely that Herbert just didn't know that much about conventions of nobility like this.

Or maybe Herbert just wanted to distinguish between "Leto-That guy who dies at the beginning of book I" and "Leto-the Kwisatz Haderach that did what he was supposed to do."

Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with his title. I know a guy who is "John Smith II" (read: John Smith the second) who got his name because his parents wanted their kid to have his father's name but hated the idea of having a little "Junior" running around.

[James Anderson Merritt]

First comment: Don't be dissin' "That's My Bush." Once the Bush II Presidency is in smoking ruins, this show will rise again and we will all laugh and laugh...

Second comment: Ever since 1974's "The Groove Tube" movie, Richard Belzer has been MY fuckin' President.

[Shem]

Don't be dissin' "That's My Bush." Once the Bush II Presidency is in smoking ruins, this show will rise again and we will all laugh and laugh...

My problem with "That's my Bush" was always that it was more interested in skewering sitcom conventions than political ones. With Trey Parker and Matt Stone writing it, one would think that it would have been better, but as Baseketball and Orgazmo proved, when the two are good, they're fantastic, but when they're not so good, it's damn near unwatchable.

[Hakluyt]

Shem,

While Team America has some memorable parts, I found it to be largely boring. The same was true for the South Park movie. They seem to be at their best in short snippets.

[Anon]

You didn't mean blogger and baby accessory designer Quinn Cummings, did you?

Anon

[Rhywun]

The same was true for the South Park movie.

Yikes - there's no accounting for taste 🙂
"Baseketball" was funny, too (if no "South Park").

[Jesse Walker]

They didn't write Baseketball; they just starred in it.

[Franklin Harris]

Bill Pullman is my president!

[Franklin Harris]

Franklin Pierce was a model ex-president.

[mk]

Shem,
I've heard before that they were both gay. Does any of our resident history experts want to weigh in on that? I've never bothered to follow up on it myself.

[ChrisO]

Any attempt to make serious drama out of a bunch of political hacks and toadies is bound to fail--at least artistically. I have no doubt that ratings for "CIC" will wither soon, once the novelty wears off. I have blissfully managed to avoid both that and "West Wing" and would do so even if the protagonists were not lefties.

[vabs]

Wow, Quinn Cummings. I never would have thought about her again. A quick Google search just revealed that she is the inventor of the HipHugger, a "high-fashion hip sling worn by celeb moms." Plus, she has a blog at blogspot called "The QC Report." So if you're wanting more information...

[Pro Libertate]

I'm thinking it's time for a God Emperor of Dune sitcom. Imagine the hilarity as Leto kills yet another Duncan Idaho (ala Kenny on South Park) each episode. Maybe like Black Adder, if the Black Adder were actually in charge of things and horribly mutated into some sort of gross sandworm thingee.

[Eric the .5b]

Dennis Haysbert is MY President!

Laura Roslin is MY president! Mind, I'm not big on her veep.

[ChrisO]

Laura Roslin is MY president! Mind, I'm not big on her veep.

Do you suppose that Dick Cheney has such a hot imaginary girlfriend??? I'd like him a lot more if he did...

[Tim Cavanaugh]

Don't mourn for Quinn Cummings, who in addition to having invented the Hiphugger is a big halloween cheapskate who rants about satanic mutilation of black cats.

[Deke]

I happen to like Quinn Cummings' blog. It was mentioned in Newsweek a few months ago and I checked it out. It is very funny. I'm not sure if you're being serious Tim but people might get the impression from what you wrote that she's a ranting lunatic. Quite the opposite. If you read back into the blog you'll see she has sense of irony and honesty that keeps people coming back.

She tend to jump from topic to topic but it's especially interesting for hip mothers of younger kids ("Yoga moms" is the new term, apparently) who are trying to keep themselves and their families sane in this nutty world. No politics. No stressful issues. Just real stuff. Overall, I find the blog funny and interesting. Her titles alone are worth a regular visit: ("One Flu Over The Cucoo's Nest"; "The Snot Heard Round The World"; etc.)

Thanks for reminding me to go back.
(In fact, I just spent thirty minutes of time I don't have reading her old posts. I went down to the archives and checked out a few at random. It was like eating peanuts. I especially recommend her story about the adopted dog...
http://qcreport.blogspot.com/2005/10/cave-canum-part-i-bitch-is-back.html)

Deke

[Smart Torontonian]

You guys mean Quinn Cummings, the girl who was Marsha Mason's daughter in The Goodbye Girl, a role which got her an Oscar Nod? Right?

[Shem]

I've heard before that they were both gay. Does any of our resident history experts want to weigh in on that? I've never bothered to follow up on it myself.

By all reports I've seen, Pierce's only redeeming quality as a human being or as a President was that he loved his wife dearly. It's possible that he had some experiences, I suppose, but he wasn't gay in any modern sense. It might have been referring to the fact that Pierce was more than a bit of a fop, but that's the only explination of which I can think.

[Franklin Harris]

Laura Roslin is MY president! Mind, I'm not big on her veep.

They're both insane, but his delusions are more fun.

[Craig]

And look better in a tight red dress...

[Jim Walsh]

Then there was this steaming pile of offal with Blair Brown as a lady general who gets elected president and saves us all by nationalizing health care (I wish I was making this up)...