Rev. Pat Sez: Bring Me the Head of Hugo Chavez!

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Christian Coalition cofounder and religious broadcaster Pat Robertson, who famously agreed on air with Jerry Falwell that "the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle" were partly to blame for the 9/11 attacks, has taken a page from Islam and issued his own fatwa:

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said.

"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

The strong-arm dictator in question? Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, whom Robertson says is a "terrific danger" to the U.S.

Whole story here.

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  1. Such violence from these American televangelists is disgusting. To stop the problem, we should invade them, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

    Whaddaya mean that’s not going to help?!

  2. Uh, Pat I know that you’re kind of partial to the 10 commandments; have you forgotten the 6th? Oh, never mind. Pat needed a dose of STFU a long, long time ago.

  3. “We don’t need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator,” he continued. “It’s a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”

    Well, obviously it’s just simple to have some covert operatives do it. Those guys can do anything! I mean, I see them do all sorts of things on TV. Surely it should be no problem for them to just solve this problem overnight!

    Whatever one might think of the merits or demerits of an intervention, it’s funny to hear him say “Oh, the covert operatives can just do this and it will be easy!” If those guys are so omnipotent, why not have them fix all the other problems as well?

  4. What exactly has Venezuela done to us that inspires such hatred? Is it just because Chavez doesn’t bow and scrape before the Global Struggle against Violent Extremism?

  5. Meyer, I think it’s because Chavez had the gall to stay in office after the US went through all the trouble to depose him.

    Also, when his government screws up his economy, he does it in the name of left-wing bullshit like social programs, rather than the proper method of screwing up the economy for right-wing bullshit like installing theocracies in Iraq.

  6. Isn’t Venezuela Catholic? That ‘splains it.

  7. There may be a more pedestrian explanation for Robertson reaching for publicity. In today’s W Post (can’t find online), it emerges that Pitney Bowes is suing the Christian Coalition for non-payment of services. Evidence of serious financial liquidity problems. Somebody may be needing free press quickly.

  8. Jennifer-

    I think Robertson just wants to see guys in ninja suits stalk around with silenced weapons while putting their wrists up to their mouths and saying things like “Breaker one this is breaker niner. The teddy bear is in place. Repeat. The teddy bear is in place. Ready for extraction. Over.” Followed by a big explosion and a helicopter chase and then a sneaky escape.

    I mean, that’s how it happens in the movie. That must be how it happens in real life. Right?

  9. I might almost have been persuaded that Chavez posed a significant danger to US interests, until Robertson started saying so. Now I know that can’t be true.

  10. Thoreau–

    I grew up in southeastern Virginia when what would one day become the Christian Broadcasting Network was still plain old independent channel 27. And I watched it a lot, since it had some good afternoon cartoons and other cheapie shows. I hadn’t heard of Pat Robertson then, but at the tender age of only eight years old, I could still figure out that whoever-the-heck ran that station wasn’t all there in the head.

    And one weird lady who went to my church was also an original member of the 700 Club. Fun.

  11. By the way, guys Robertson is moonbat insane, but he has enough supporters to make a difference to the political landscape. Just remember that the next time someone says the wall between church and state doesn’t need to be that high, because OUR religious guys aren’t as bad as THEIR religious guys.

  12. Supposed to be a comma after “guys.” Oh well.

  13. Maybe Pat can get God to send a hurricane or meteor after Venezuela, like that time He punished Florida for Gay Days at Disney.

    Jesus: “Oil is totally awesome but it all belongs to America so hand it over swarthy types.” It says that in the Bible you know. Somewhere in the back I think.

  14. that time He punished Florida for Gay Days at Disney.

    Y’know, God was willing to spare Sodom and Gomorrah if he’d found only–what?–ten non-sinners in the whole city? And yet a 90 percent non-Sodomite population wasn’t enough to convince him to spare Florida? The God of the Old Testament was a lot mellower and more forgiving that the sonofabitch Robertson claims to be channeling.

  15. Jennifer-

    You atheists aren’t supposed to read the Bible. If you do, you might find passages that contradict the fundies. And we can’t have that!

  16. I suppose the group that will carry out the assassination would be the Al-KKK-Da.

  17. Meyer and Jennifer,

    The mainstream US press is heavily implicated in manufacturing the threat. Early this year I heard an MSNBC anchor announcing “Chavez threatens U.S. with cutoff of oil exports,” when the story was actually that Chavez threatened to cut off oil if Bush INVADED VENEZUELA! “Mommy, he’s hitting back!”

    And meanwhile, internationalist hawks like Kerry who control the Democratic party are accusing Bush of being “soft on Chavez.”

  18. Kevin–

    Oh, well in that case there’s nothing wrong with a member of the Religion of Forgiveness calling for the assassination of a foreign leader whom we already tried to overthrow, I guess.

  19. Those are good points, Kevin. Although, I’m not sure how much Kerry controls the Democratic party. Since he lost the election, his influence seems to have waned quite a bit.

  20. As long as we’re sending the all-powerful “covert operatives” to take out Chavez, will Valerie Plame be one of them?

  21. After the 9/11 gaffe both Falwell and Robertson used the press’ laughter and animosity towards them as a source of funding (I know because some wiseguy put me on their mailing list). The letter kind of went like “The liberal media have distorted our words to suit their malicious purposes, please give more than you ever have to help us combat their godless insolence”.

    I’m surprised they don’t make asses of themselves more often. I’m sure it’s quite lucrative.

  22. So, we finally have an answer to all those WWJD bumper stickers…He’d send assassins in to bust caps on foreign leaders we don’t like. I obviously read the wrong bible.

  23. Johnny Clarke,
    You obviously missed out on the “muscular Christianity” sea change that happened roundabouts when George Dubya (He’s one of us!) decided that revenge was a christian act. Jesus wasn’t some pansy liberal peace-lover, he was a badass carpenter who loved to freak out and kill everyone, just like he did at the temple in my “The Message” translation of the Bible.

    But seriously, these fools don’t speak for christians any more than OBL speaks for Islam.

  24. Well, Johnny, you need to stop wasting your time with that pathetic New Testament Jesus and learn about the Neo Testament Jesus! Very cool, kick-ass and Matrix-y, with none of that peace, love and forgiveness crap that makes mainstream Christianity so boring.

  25. Well, I think it’s nice to see a radical cleric declare a fatwa that doesn’t involve Salmon Rushdie for a change.

  26. Jennifer & Thoreau-

    Don’t you remember when Jack Bauer, John Ford, Sam Fisher and Sidney Barrows converged on Havana, killed the Castro Brothers, then went to Baghdad and killed Saddam? They’re headed to Pyongyang next and they’ll get Osama and Ayman on the way.

    Oh my bad, it was Team America that did that. War is easy.

  27. After the 9/11 gaffe both Falwell and Robertson used the press’ laughter and animosity towards them as a source of funding (I know because some wiseguy put me on their mailing list). The letter kind of went like “The liberal media have distorted our words to suit their malicious purposes, please give more than you ever have to help us combat their godless insolence”.

    So what you’re saying is that Falwell and Robertson are now taking pages from the playbook of “Jackass” player Steve-O?

  28. Herman-

    Covert ops are easy! It helps that guards have horrible aim. Remember the time that Jack Bauer broke into the Chinese consulate and all the guards fired at him? The only bullet that connected with anybody didn’t even hit Jack: It hit the Consul instead.

    I’m sure that all of Chavez’s bodyguards have similar shooting skills, and once Jennifer Garner is recovered from her pregnancy we can put her in a tight outfit and have her personally dispatch Chavez.

    Easy!

  29. This is slightly off topic but interesting.

  30. I should sue Robertson for stealing my idea, I really should – I’ve been saying for years that if we HAD to invade some third-world rathole with oil ruled by a dick we didn’t like, we should start with Venezuela instead of gallivating halfway across the globe…

    Of course, I was joking…

  31. emerges that Pitney Bowes is suing the Christian Coalition
    matthew- Does Robertson still run the CC? I thought he washed his hands of it after Gary Bauer’s one-third-assed Presidential run.

  32. Jack Bauer kills for Jesus. Everyone knows that.

  33. Whatever one might think of the merits or demerits of an intervention, it’s funny to hear him say “Oh, the covert operatives can just do this and it will be easy!” If those guys are so omnipotent, why not have them fix all the other problems as well?

    I call it the “Rambo Fallacy”, and unfortunately it’s bought by a lot of people, including, well, not a few libertarian isolationists. “If we absolutely have to do anything to another country, why use a big, expensive army when some special ops guys could take out anyone who needed killing?”

  34. You obviously missed out on the “muscular Christianity” sea change that happened roundabouts when George Dubya (He’s one of us!) decided that revenge was a christian act.

    Yeah, I seem to recall a (very) few Christians whose desired response to 9/11 was not military action or police work, but contrition and understanding. One guy I’m too lazy to Google as my lunch hour wanes said at the time that the true Christian doesn’t use violence even in self-defense or the protection of those he loves, but turns the other cheek and/or dies.

    I really haven’t found a good counter-argument to that claim. If you don’t buy the “just war” argument, it’s all murder, isn’t it? What’s the ultimate difference between, say, Al Queda today and the lions two thousand years ago?

    Not an issue for me, mind, not being a Christian.

  35. I’m disappointed. Aren’t there any Chavez hawks in these parts going to explain why making fun of a religious nut is all fine and good, but Chavez really is a serious threat to the US whom we shouldn’t take likely? Seriously, I know Chavez is a leftie and therefore likely not someone I would want in power if I were a citizen of Venezuela (setting aside the possibility that I might like the opposition even less). But what the hell threat does he really pose to us?? Is anyone besides Robertson making this case??

  36. fyodor,

    Have you ever heard of a little thing called the DOMINO THEORY?? If we let Venezuela fall to the Communists, who knows what country will fall next. We could have a red army at our gates within years, and since we never inforce our immigration laws, this country’s probably already full of spies.

  37. Program Idea for Mark Burnett

    Get a bunch of ex-special forces, survivalist, military types living together in a barracks for 13 weeks. Each week they do various challenges like escape & evasion, unarmed combat, and target shooting. The winner gets to have a pop at Chavez. Donald Trump could host!

  38. Jesus: “Oil is totally awesome but it all belongs to America so hand it over swarthy types.” It says that in the Bible you know. Somewhere in the back I think.

    It does not. Excuse Me, but I am one of those swarthy types. And no one knows the back part of the Bible better than Me.

  39. I’m sure this is playing really well in Venezuela.

    I can see Chavez’s enemies in Venezuela, right now. They’re saying, “Thanks a lot Pat! …Asshole!”

  40. fyodor-
    It goes something like this:
    1) Chavez hates our guts.
    2) He will look the other way and let some passports and other goodies fall into the hands of anybody with an axe to grind with the U.S. Maybe let them hang around in the jungle somewhere.
    3) al-Qaeda has been mucking around in South America and they have an axe to grind.
    4) al-Qaeda guys can thus walk into the U.S. with Venezuelan passports after some training time in Venezuela.

  41. It was a popular coup. You know, one of those popular coups that falls apart in 24 hours unless a foreign military occupies the country. That kind of popular coup.

  42. fyodor- I don’t know that you can make a case for killing him, but he does have some unsavory friends.

  43. In the US, it’s illegal to advocate the death of the Fearless Leader. If such a law exists in Venezuela, and if Venezuela requests extradition for ol’ Pat, will the US hand him over? I mean, the US requested that nasty hemp seed grower in Canada be extradited, based on the theory that it was illegal in both countries. So if threats to Fearless Leaders are illegal in both countries, it seems like Pat should be sent to Caracas.

    Of course, no such thing will happen. Bush or the Congress will break the extradition treaty first. Which, by the law of unintended consequences, will give certain unfriendly elements a new base to operate from, and you can be sure they will. Because it is more important to ignore the Rule of Law when it affects your political base than to properly protect the interests of the country.

  44. Happy Jack:
    I don’t know that you can make a case for killing him, but he does have some unsavory friends.

    As opposed to the savory friends of the CIA such as
    Luis Posada Carriles?

  45. Intelligent design-

  46. Portlander,

    In the US it is illeagal to communicate a threat and make terroristic remarks.

    But I’ll bet you no one does a thing to the vile porridge-brained wacko. Not that I advocate prosecution for speech, but if someone says something that would justify loosening 45 in the holster, it is probably indictable.

    Question: Does this amount to a christian fatwa?

    Now the Bushies try to ‘distance’ themselves:
    Rumsfield:”Our department doesn’t do that kind of thing. It’s against the law. He’s a private citizen. Private citizens say all kinds of things all the time.”

    State Department spokesman Sean McCormack called Robertson’s remarks “inappropriate.”
    and “This is not the policy of the United States government. We do not share his views,” and “They are the expression of one citizen.”

    Way to go gubbament! That’ll show ’em. You really told Robertson off for that one, you sure did!

    How about: “Robertson is a well known hysterical maniac that has advocated bizarre actions and theories in the past. He speaks for no one but himself and we will investigate and prosecute if any laws have been broken”

    But that might alienate the religious right, we can’t have that now, can we?

    Tom

  47. a- I don’t care about Chavez one way or the other, but for a straight comparison Bush would have to find a spot for Carriles in the cabinet (Poindexter, Abrahms).

    Even so, if you’re thinking tit-for-tat, I believe the President who hired him has already been tatted. 🙂

    P.S.- Marxist Online? Lots of errors there. Better to go to the source

  48. Well, I think it’s nice to see a radical cleric declare a fatwa that doesn’t involve Salmon Rushdie for a change.

    So Alexander Cockburn is standing at the complaints desk and he’s sayin’ . . .

  49. P.S.- Marxist Online? Lots of errors there. Better to go to the source

    It was the first hit on Google news when you for “Luis Posada”. I didn’t even notice. But thanks for the other link.

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