Chubby Revolutionary Maximizes Calories, Not Contradictions

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Yes, let's get on with the Paunchy Villa jokes. Yes, he's large and still in charge. Yes, Subcommandante Marcos, leader of the Zapatista rebels in Mexico, probably should sign on to Subcommandante Jared's diet plan of low-fat sandwiches.

The erstwhile rebel has surfaced like a beached whale after four years of what appears to be living extremely well underground, joking about his weight. From the U.K. Guardian's account, which should be enough to make you think the ski-mask-wearing Marcos has been killed and replaced by the Unknown Comic:

The once trim Marcos acknowledged his weight gain with typical wry self-deprecation in a message published Thursday by the newspaper La Jornada.

He said it could have been worse. If he had removed the belt, "there would be a paunch like a six-month pregnancy."

"Well, yes, and what of it?" he added. "Fat but pretty."

Marcos joked about the mystique of the tall, sexy military leader in black ski mask that arose around him in the early years after the Zapatista National Liberation Army burst into the news by seizing several towns in the southern state of Chiapas on New Year's Day, 1994.

"No more of that 'sex symbol' now,he wrote. "I tell you, now I don't even heat up the coffee."

Whole thing here.

As we await the inevitable Nation expose that decries Marcos' newfound tubbiness as one more sign of Big Food's relentless merchandising to children of all ages, let's observe a minute of silent chewing out of respect for a world in which even the rebel leader of supposedly starving peasants is a fat shit.

Over a decade ago in Reason, Dario Fernandez-Morera wrote that "Chiapas tells the old story of peasant Indians used by urban intellectuals." Read more here.

NEXT: All the Little People Need Education

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  1. Those folks need a Fielding Mellish.

  2. He might not really be fat. Maybe he’s just got some sort of Kuato-like thing in his stomach a la the unseen rebel leader in Total Recall.

    BTW, …even the rebel leader of supposedly starving peasants is a fat shit is really fucking funny.

  3. “let’s observe a minute of silent chewing” – good line!

  4. Lay off the fatties Nick Or I’ll put this pastry down, come over there, and sit on you.

    That goes double for J.K. Rowling. She never misses an opportunity to demonize a fat kid.

  5. Fat babies have no pride.

  6. You must change your underpants, every thirty minutes. Underwear will be worn… on the outside. So we can check.

  7. It sounds just like the incident when the Peruvian Government captured the Shining Path Guerilla orgainization leader Abimael Guzman. He had gotten fat from years living underground with no exercise. The Peruvian Government even hired fasion designers to make him look bad on TV for the trial. They dressed him in clothes with wide horizontal stripes. There wasn’t a peep from the Shining Path for at least 10 years after Guzman’s capture.

    Picture can be seen here.

    Kind of looks like a big Peruvian bumble bee.

  8. “Kind of looks like a big Peruvian bumble bee.”

    Ay ay ay! La policia!

  9. Who is this guy, Commandante Zero Mostel auditioning for the Borscht Belt?

  10. Take my Kalashnikov, please!

  11. Maybe he can be in one of those Dove ads.

  12. This is going to seriously upset several Latinots of my acquaintance.

  13. No Subcommandante fans here? I’ve always liked the guy. He’s quite eloquent and has an odd sense of humor, and tends to be funnier than the usual would-be revolutionary.

    And he shouldn’t be mentioned in the same breath as the Shining Path. The EZLN has been really well-behaved, even during their brief armed insurrection where they treated their prisoners well and there were no massacres or attacks on civilians.

    Besides, they guy is often photographed smoking a pipe whilst wearing the everpresent ski mask. Can’t hate on a revolutionary who gives off that ‘Bob’ Dobbs vibe.

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