James Dobson's Patented Cure for the Gay

Matt Yglesias gets points for finding the funniest thing I've seen this week. James Dobson's advice on how to ensure your son doesn't catch The Gay:

Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Too… many… jokes… choice… paralysis… kicking… in…

ADDENDUM: Via the folks at The Corner, I see this line is actually a passage Dobson approvingly quotes from a fellow traveler's unpublished manuscript, not the Dob's own original wisdom.

Comments

[thoreau]

He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

See, if Michael Jackson had incorporated this sort of activity into the Neverland Ranch sleepovers, he would have enjoyed the full support of Dr. Dobson!

[joe]

If exposure to one penis he can't help but notice doesn't work, take him to one of those biker bars where no one owns a motorcycle.

[dhex]

"but dad, the peg won't fit into this hole!"

"just keep pounding it, son. that's what real men do!"

[Sandy]

He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard.

Just make sure it's not a round peg into a round hole, that'd give him the wrong idea.

[MP]

On the merits of this piece, James Dobson will be recruited by The Onion.

[thoreau]

Is Dobson a Catholic priest?

[feek]

See? It's those insidous mothers, again. They cause autism too, I hear.

[John]

This is a joke, right?

Like Landover Baptist?

[Sandy]

Maybe you should be pounding round pegs into slits, just to make it clear.

[Ruthless]

"but dad, the peg won't fit into this hole!"

"just keep pounding it, son. that's what real men do!"

dhex,
Dr. Dobson thinks that's what gay guys do... to get that fluffy mixture... what do we call it?

[from guy that likes square hol]

teaching your son to pound a stick into a hole that it was clearly not designed for.... yeah, THAT, should work! hahaha

[joe]

Dammit, people, George Bush won reelection by three points! Three points, you hear?

That means you need to stop mocking the strong, moral values of these inbred morons.

I've had just about enough of your anti-Christian hate speech.

[s.a.m.]

He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl.

It would seem to me that if I was truly concerned about the sexuality of my son, I would want him to play doctor with the little girl and lay off the "rough-and-tumble" with the boys! At least that was the game I would try to play with the wittle gurls.

[Mike G]

You can also take your son to manly activities like Gladiator movies, or Turkish prisons...

[Sandy]

joe:

It's true: at least they have sex with their sisters instead of their brothers, which makes it OK. After all, how did Adam and Eve have grandkids?

[joe]

"Tha's ware weel wrestle.
Tha's ware ul meek a man uv ye."

[Randolph Carter]

Joe,

Is that Chaucer? haha

But seriously - if you want to make your kid heterosexual, familiarize him with the penis. Make sure he knows EVERYTHING about it. That coupled with your relition won't turn him into an onanistic, guilt-ridden nutjob. I swear.

[Randolph Carter]

uh... relition = religion.

[Brian]

So Timmy, do you like gladiator movies?

[RandMan]

I guess I have the Dean Martin television show to thank for my heterosexuality.

One evening one of Dean's lovely chorus girls (aka "The Golddiggers") did a strip tease. Of course she only stripped down to her undergarments, as this was network TV. Laying on the floor, I watched her performance with great interest. As she took off more clothing, I noticed something unusual happening in my pants, something I'd never experienced before. I was only 12 or so when this happened. My life has not been the same since, thanks to Dean and an anonymous "Golddigger".

I'll think I'll write Rev. Dobson and let him in on this. Perhaps pre-adolescent boys should be shown videos of attractive women stripping in order to "set them straight", pun intended. LOL

[Shelby]

Perhaps Dobson, despite a remarkable lifelong obsession, is actually completely ignorant of gay slang. Such as "rough and tumble," "throw" and "catch," and, um, pounding a peg.

You want any more, go ask Andrew. This week he's channeling everyone's go-to guy for gay sex advice, Dan Savage. But you knew that.

[Yogi]

This is unreal. Did everyone read the letter to Dr. Dobson from Mark on the linked page? I think the odds are 6 to 5 and pick 'em that someone was messing with Dr. Dobson with that one. Anyone here want to help me write a similar letter and see if what kind of reply we get? We could even throw in a little drug use and see what the good doctor's opinion of that is. This could be more entertaining than the Letters to Penthouse.

[Brian]

PS: I'm going to pass this along to my block association. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus.

[theCaoch]

Yogi,
Just to start it off...

Dr. Dobson,
I am concerned about my 4 year old son. We have a pet dog and...

[grizzly]

Can we patent "The Gay"? I mean there's big bucks to be made. Think of all the rebellous teenagers who would use "The Gay" to get back at their parents for being so ...umm...straight.

[Yogi]

theCaoch-

the final question can be... Since the dog is female, so should I worry?

[ChicagoTom]

Dobson also thinks its a bad omen about male children when
"Some of them prefer the company of girls..."

which leads to such horrors as "thinking effeminately"

And here I thought some parents actually wanted their male children to be more sensitive? Damn Queer raisers

[mediageek]

Furthermore, if homosexuality were specifically inherited, it would tend to be eliminated from the human gene pool because those who have it tend not to reproduce. Any characteristic that is not passed along to the next generation eventually dies with the individual who carries it.

Waitasec...is James Dobson admitting to natural selection/evolution here?

I'm so confused!

[stubby]

You have to laugh. Cos if you don't, you'll cry.

[Don Mynack]

I stopped worrying about this and just started taking Homocil.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/00/00lhomocil.phtml

[Number 6]

So the way to make sure a boy doesn't become gay is to take a shower with him and show him your penis. "Look how big my phallus is, son!"

Yeah....that should work.

[Rhywun]

"The bottom line is that homosexuality is not primarily about sex. It is about everything else, including loneliness, rejection, affirmation, intimacy, identity, relationships, parenting, self-hatred, gender confusion, and a search for belonging."

I would really, really like to find this guy and sock him in the jaw. Imagine how many confused teenagers he's teaching to hate themselves. It makes me sick.

Hm, I found one (unintentionally) true statement from the good doctor, among so many lies:

"There is an additional dimension of pain for those who have grown up in a strong Christian home."

Yes, they learn even more about loathing and self-hatred.

[Number 6]

RandMan- I was a bit younger, but for me, it was the chair-dancing scene in Flashdance. If that doesn't do anything for a young man, the odds are that he's already got The Gay.

[thoreau]

Waitasec...is James Dobson admitting to natural selection/evolution here?

mediageek-

Good catch!

[mediageek]

Rhywun, does this help?

Map

[Stevo Darkly]

"Tha's ware weel wrestle.
Tha's ware ul meek a man uv ye."

joe, per Randolph, is that Chaucer, or is it Willie the Janitor from "The Simpsons"?

[mediageek]

Good catch!

Everyone look out! Thoreau has got teh ghey! AIIIIIGHHHH!!!

😉

[SPD]

This may be a stupid question, but how is showering with men intended to suppress homosexual urges? And what if the kid has a bigger schlong than his dad?

By the way, softcore porn movies on Cinemax cured me of my homosexuality.

And "The Gay"? Who is this guy, Margaret Cho's mother?

[joe]

Stevo,

It's Fat Bastard from one of the Austin Powers movies.

[thoreau]

If any Christian fathers out there feel uncomfortable showing their genitals to their sons, Michael Jackson will be happy to help out in that area.

[Rhywun]

Rhywun, does this help?

Well, now I know how Colorado Springs made it into the list of most conservative cities.

[coarsetad]

Lets see.... i have an early childhood memory of showering with my dad. He showed me lots of attention when I was young. (taking me to work with him on his manly-blue collar job), encourged me to play sports, my mother spent most of the time ignoring us by locking herself in her room... the result: I have a worse cause of The Gay, you have just about ever seen. (I do have a blue-collar job now though.)
Dobson, is full of shit. His technique is nothing more than a sure fire way to make sure your gay son stays in the closet.

[scottp]

Ruthless

Dr. Dobson thinks that's what gay guys do... to get that fluffy mixture... what do we call it?

We call it Santorum, right?

[Steve]

For people of a certian age, the discovery of what their private parts are for came when they saw Princess Lea in her chain-mail bikini in Return of the Jedi.

[coarsetad]

Oh! I get it... seeing your parent naked is supposed to freak you out! How many straights out there would be homos, if at a confusing young age, you were busy showering with your mother. ick!

[Rhywun]

when they saw Princess Lea in her chain-mail bikini in Return of the Jedi

Heh - I'm of that exact age. However, it didn't work for everyone 🙂

[duncan]

Ah yes, turn your boy straight by doing manly things with them. Sure. Gays don't like wrestling or other sports. They definitely hate building things. And my gawd, do they hate showering with other men.

The building thing is extra interesting to me as I just spent a day admiring the handiwork of a gay friend of mine who just built his dining room table.

[Number 6]

Careful, Duncan?The Gay is contagious. Don't you realize that they're always out there recruiting?

[Jeff]

The Mr. Show skit about the cured gay man on the TV ministry comes to mind.

[mediageek]

Well, now I know how Colorado Springs made it into the list of most conservative cities.

Yep. Funny story there. Evidently Focus on the Family was originally headquartered in California until the Catholic church decided to donate a hefty parcel of land to them north of Colorado Springs.

Also, the heavy military presence here skews the place to the conservative side of the spectrum, too.

[coarsetad]

speaking of Focus on the Family, I once dated a guy that while going to Colorado Christian University, took an internship there... while working as a stripper at leather bar in Denver.

[ChicagoTom]

coarseted said : "His technique is nothing more than a sure fire way to make sure your gay son stays in the closet."

And isn't that really the point ultimately? I mean the Christian Right wasn't this vocal or in your face until those uppity queers wanted to be treated like "regular" folks. Equal Rights? Ability to sue for discrimination? Gay marriages? Adopting and raising CHILDREN???
All of those things legitimize homosexuality. And we all know that homosexual activity is anything but legitimate.

I think that every single one of these scumbag bigots knows that "The Gay" can't be cured or eradicated, instead they want to do everything they can to keep it suppressed and out of the mainstream. They want to make sure that gays feel a sense of shame either internally or imposed upon them based on the scorn of other "regular" folks.

[mediageek]

Tom, that's because if gays are allowed to get married, their powers to redecorate will be unstoppable.

[MDS]

when they saw Princess Lea in her chain-mail bikini in Return of the Jedi.

Dear God, it was like being hit by a train.

[Shawn Smith]

Don't you understand people?! If we effeminate [sic] our sons and husbands, there won't be anyone willing to fight the CRAB PEOPLE!!

[drf]

shirtless, sweaty bear-cubbing wrestling activities. rolling around, snorting - YOU'RE PINNED!

mercy. oh my.
Perchance Dobson misunderstood what "the Gay" is?

Number 6: first conversion = toaster. 50th conversion = trip to Key West, etc. etc. etc.

Rhywun - as Carrie Fisher said - Gary Daniels could see straight to Florida. The princess couldn't cure C3PO. I think Anni used to touch him with his lightsaber and tied him up and tied him down with his jedi grappling hook and line.

[Herman]

Thoreau-
Is Dobson a Catholic priest?
Nope, Dobson is an evangelical Christian psychologist.

mediageek-
You sure the Catholic church donated land to Focus on the Family? I imagine they have their own groups that do this kind of stuff.

[Rhywun]

JFC, they have the military, Focus on the Family, AND Christian U?? How is that NOT a hellhole?

[coarsetad]

Rhywun, being right next to the stunning rocky mountians helps, plus the very liberal suburb of Manitou Springs.

[Herman]

Too... many... jokes... choice... paralysis... kicking... in...
Is Julian complaining about too great a choice in jokes? That would seem to be heresey here in Reasonland.

[mediageek]

Herman, to be completely honest, that's just something I heard second hand. A cursory web search doesn't turn anything up, so it may just be a pile of BS.

Rhywun- the weather is freakin' sweet, lots of outdoors activity, and even though the place is quite conservative it seems to *mostly* be more of a old-school, vaguely libertarian cowboy conservatism, if that makes any sense.

[mediageek]

coarsetad-

Manitou Springs is great. It's where hippies go when they die. 🙂

I was considering getting an apartment around there somewhere.

[Stevo Darkly]

Princess Lea in her chain-mail bikini in Return of the Jedi.

http://www.leiasmetalbikini.com

So much flesh ... so many pleasures ...

[Eddy]

Dobson is an evangelical Christian psychologist.

Somehow I think that's an oxymoron. Clearly he has the moron part down.

I like the reference to Dr. Nicolosi's manuscript with the five signs of prehomosexuality(?):

5. Strong preference for playmates of the other sex.

Uhhh...I woulda thawt it was da uder way 'round.

[crimethink]

I was raised by a single mom, so I never saw a real-life adult penis till I had my own. I think I still turned out all right, but this much is for certain: I'm going to be a LOT more suspicious of those guys at the Y who bring their sons into the shower...

As for my first "straighty", I was a bit young for ROTJ, but IIRC it made its debut in the school library reading Nat'l Geographic.

[mk]

"They may cry easily, be less athletic, have an artistic temperament and dislike the roughhousing that their friends enjoy. Some of them prefer the company of girls, and they may walk, talk, dress and even "think" effeminately."
That pretty much described me to a T. The problem is that I ended up being completely straight. I can assure you that a religious upbringing had nothing to do with it as I never attended church as a kid. Hell, I even tried to catch "the Gay" back in HS (most of my friends had caught it). It just didn't stick. Those girls are just too yummy.
OTOH, Princess Leia never did anything for me. Perhaps my life has been a lie.

[Randolph Carter]

So by this guy's definition, the following people have most probably caught the gay: Prince, Ricky Martin, Leonardo DiCaprio, That kid from The Sixth Sense, and Charlie from Charlie's angels. Yet all these (evel little Haley Joel) get more girls than I do. Perhaps I've come down with the gay!

[Travoid]

That won't work. Everybody knows you get The Gay from exercise.

[thoreau]

More specifically, you get the gay by humping carpets while looking at pictures of Judge Napolitano and John Doe #2.

[Randolph Carter]

No! thoreau has filled my mind with lascivious troll-doll exercise fantasies! Why?!??!

[Rodney]

So much funny, so little time...

"One such individual is my co-worker at Focus on the Family, John Paulk, who has devoted his life to caring for and assisting those who want to change. At one time, he was heavily involved in the gay community, marched in "gay-pride" parades and was a cross-dresser. Ultimately, John found forgiveness and healing in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and he has walked the straight life now since 1987. He is happily married to Anne, a former lesbian, and they have two beautiful children. Despite a momentary setback when he entered and was discovered in a homosexual bar, which delighted his critics, John did not return to his former life. There are hundreds of stories like this that offer encouragement to those who want out of the gay lifestyle but have no idea how to deal with the forces within. I would be less than honest if I didn't admit that homosexuality is not easily overcome and that those who try often struggle mightily. But it would be equally dishonest to say that there is no hope for those who want to change. Credible research indicates otherwise. "

[Herman]

More specifically, you get the gay by humping carpets while looking at pictures of Judge Napolitano and John Doe #2.

So it's obvious what you get from looking at pig and cow butts. Someone call Ingrid Newkirk!

[joe]

Rodney, what a brilliant strategy! How easy it must be to stay in the closet, when the people mos interested in persecuting gays are determined to keep your cover, even to themselves.

[Rhywun]

Good - now I know to stay far, far away from anyone at the bar who says his name is "John Paulk".

[Creepy McPervert]

Unfortunately, the police don't seem to understand that my trenchcoat-wearing activities at the playground are designed to innoculate little boys against the Gay.

[linguist]

"when they saw Princess Lea in her chain-mail bikini in Return of the Jedi."

or perhaps, for the women and gay men here, David Lee Roth in spandex! 🙂

[Hakluyt]

I am sure Shannon Love will defend these comments as an attack on elites. 🙂

[Lawrence of Arabian Carpet]

I know we're starting to get into the groove of calling it "The Gay," but shouldn't it be plural like vapor?
"I've got a touch of The Vapors: I've got a touch of The Gays"?

[drf]

L of AC:

but it's "the flu" "the gout" "the clap"

and plural:

"the liberals"
"the jackasses"
the screamers"

yup. it's a poser.

GG: SL wouldn't know elite if the silver spoon were shoved where the sun don't shine...

linguist: dammit. now the song "Yankee Rose" is in my head. grrrrrr. although it's better than the one from "Chess"... oh wait.... ARGH!!!!!

[mai_neh]

But, Randolph, Ricky Martin is gay.

[fortyouncer]

This reminds me of the time I took a shower with my mom...

Seeing her naked I asked, "mom, what is that?"

She said, "That? Oh that is where mommy got hit by an axe"

I said, "Damn, it got you right in the cunt."

[Ambiorix]

"Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness."

Didn't Homer do that also with Bart onetime? And then took him to a gay dancing?

[Sandy]

Rhywun:

Just make sure you take lots of pictures.

[mediageek]

"Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness."

So would Dobson have a problem with buying one's son some hot, hot straight porn?

[dagny]

These people aren't scared that their sons will turn gay... they're scared that their sons will turn into girls. That, to me, is pretty scary, especially since it's all about male homosexuality -- don't let your son turn into a woman, because women are inferior!

[DJB]

Ambiorix, That is the first thing I thought of, the closing credits end with something like...
"this episode is dedicated to ironworkers of america, keep reaching for that rainbow"

[Rhywun]

David Lee Roth in spandex!

Uh... EW. I'm sorry, you can't just stuff any old thing into spandex and make it sexy.

[bonncaruso]

Oh my, nothing like a little penis envy to scare a young boy into being straight.