For White Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Ewoks on Endor Ain't Enuff


This sort of thing is surely one of the reasons why the terrorists–not to mention the Tusken Raiders of Tatooine–hate us. The only thing missing is blog-jock Jim Lampley pronouncing that he hopes Lord Palpatine "and his jackals carry the day. Let them remove those safeguards which have assured the minority party a continuing voice in the Senate, and then let them fret about it for thirty years after the pendulum swings back our way in 2008."


NEXT: Frank Gorshin, RIP

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  1. Phillibuster shillimuster say I.
    Majority rocks, it does.

  2. There was only one Star Wars: The first one. Unfortunately, Darth Lucas flushed it down the memory hole.

    I hated, HATED, Return of the Jedi. I didn’t wait three long years for fucking teddy bears to destroy the Empire.

    Has anyone found a cure for sequel-itis? They’ve re-made The Bad News Bears, for christsakes!!!

  3. empire strikes back is pretty dope, all things considered.

  4. Unworthy to judge am I, but the head of this thread, in someones Hall of Fame, must up end?

  5. I think I went to high school with Chris Suellentrop. That’s not relevant to anything, but I thought I’d point it out anyway.

    Also, props for the Night Court reference.

  6. “I hated, HATED, Return of the Jedi. I didn’t wait three long years for fucking teddy bears to destroy the Empire.”

    Theoretically, they could redo Return of the Jedi. …With a completely different script, ending, etc.

    As I wrote in another thread, the fact that the whole thing ends up in the Dance of the Ewoks… It subtracts something rest of the series. No question.

    …Really George, I think we’re all ready to just pretend the whole Ewok thing never happened. Okay?

  7. Return of the Jedi was so bad, I haven’t watched anything Star Wars since. I’m not planning on kissing nine bucks goodbye for the latest pile of steaming crap either.

  8. Vader: “Luke, I AM YOUR FATHER!”

    Luke: “That’s not true… that’s impossible!!!”

    Vader: “And Princess Leia is your sister.”

    Luke: “Well, that’s highly improbable.”

    Vader: “And in the next movie, the Empire will be brought down by teddy bears…. and the force, that’s nothing more than bacteria in your blood called midicholrians.’

    Luke: “Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, I’m out of here.”

  9. Is there some sort of requirement that people have to be clueless fuckwads to get a Star Wars review published? In the Fray, Suellentrop says that Kenobi must have lied about Anakin being a great pilot because there was “no real evidence” presented in the prequels of Anakin’s piloting skill. Did he miss the FIRST TWENTY MINUTES of “Revenge of the Sith”?!?!?!?!?!?!

  10. What is this? An AICN talkback?

  11. Lots of (2) questions here:

    1. Will I have to have seen the second of the loser films to enjoy/get “Sith”? (I gave up in disgust after Episode I. It was more like spending a day [an eternity] in a self-conscious theme park than seeing a movie.)

    2. Will the original “Star Wars” be digitally remade replacing light sabres with cell phones and blueberries?

    The famous lie, of course, is Kenobi telling Luke that Darth Vader killed his father.

    This made me think about existentialism and who-am-I.

    There is very little of the 16yo raymond left today. In fact, except for the memories of my parents (ie, what they remember), nothing. My early life is a (poorly written) work of (overly dramatic) fiction – read long ago and now mostly forgotten. The present me – the result of a multitude of choices – is a different person entirely.

    Have I killed that me? Is that what Obi-Wan meant?

    What’s the libertarian take on all this?

  12. “The famous lie, of course, is Kenobi telling Luke that Darth Vader killed his father.”

    It just goes to show that Lucas pulled this stuff out of his ass as he went along. I can’t deney that George is a great concept man, but he’s a hack writer. Because of his continuity failures and inability to compose believable dialog (e.g. “You’ll never see a more wretched hive of scum and villiany.” or “I don’t know where you get your delusions, laser brain.”) he should never be let near a script.

  13. I do make ONE exception, though. I really liked “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” and thought it was Lucas’s best work. However, I think that is largely due to his collaboration with Spielberg who, despite having his own problems (e.g. the Jurassic Park movies, his infamous “editing” of ET, etc.), seems to be a more competent film maker.

  14. Beam me up Scotty…. quick!

  15. Why was “Revenge of the Jedi” nixed for the more gentle “Return…” but “Revenge of the Sith” is OK?
    Does this have anything to do with 9-11?

  16. From the Slate article:

    Just like Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith struck me as a brief for celibacy.

    Never let it be said George Lucas doesn’t know his audience!

  17. What’s the libertarian take on all this?

    You don’t want to know. I can’t advise you on existentialism, but after seeing Revenge, I realize that Jedi Masters Yoda, Kenobi, and Bad Motherfucker Jules Winnfield are super-flaming liberals, whining on and on about democracy and (although not explicitly stated) the greater good. And true to Star Wars form, no one ever talks normally as much as they do pontificate. At least Lucas has managed to make a 6-film trilogy in which the lead actor has sucked in every single one. Although Christensen is bad, the epic battle between the Jedi and the Empire pales in comparison to who provides the worst performance out of Jake Lloyd in ‘Phantom Menace’ or Mark Hamill in ‘A New Hope’.

  18. “…but after seeing Revenge, I realize that Jedi Masters Yoda, Kenobi, and Bad Motherfucker Jules Winnfield are super-flaming liberals, whining on and on about democracy and (although not explicitly stated) the greater good.”

    I’m no Star Wars expert and (like the Matrix) people will tend to read into the movie whatever theme they want to. To me, the movie seemed like a a warning against centralized power, which is something libertarians can obviously appreciate. But, like I said this could be my own interpretive bias.

    BTW, Natalie Portman’s character, Padme, also had a great quote to this extent:

    “So this is how liberty dies — to thunderous applause.”

  19. So, there’s no real talking, but there are endless declamations? Perhaps the movie could be called “Revenge of the Randroids.”

  20. Jedi don’t take “revenge”, my dear fellow – that way lies the dark side. (Though it was “leaked” during development that VI would be called ‘Revenge of the Jedi’ in order to foil those entrepeneurs who were racing to develop unlicensed merchandise… apparently a “Revenge of the Jedi” poster is a pretty valuable collectible these days.)

  21. Ah so…it was all about merchandizing.
    Known I should have.

  22. Though it was “leaked” during development that VI would be called ‘Revenge of the Jedi’ in order to foil those entrepeneurs who were racing to develop unlicensed merchandise

    As much as I love the SW franchise, this latter-day explanation is revisionism on the part of Lucas. The movie was intended to be titled Revenge of the Jedi up until very shortly before release, when Lucas changed his mind; the evidence is that Kenner invested a lot of money in the new toys to accompany the movie, and every prototype, blueprint, proof card, internal communication and even a couple of early production runs all read “Revenge.” Kenner was, to put it mildly, pissed off that they had to change everything so late in the game.

    The only other explanation is that Lucas didn’t bother to tell his merchandising partner what the movie’s real title was, let them waste money on a fake title, and lied in LFL/Kenner communications about it.

  23. As to what’s better Sci-Fi nowadays, I think the latest Battlestar Galactica blows any Star Wars, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Stargate xxx out of the water. I hope it continues for several more years.

  24. Ken, that could work, George conveniently forgot a whole lot of things when he made those sequels. I still think it’s lame the way he made Vader into Luke’s dad. Granted, he could have done a worse job of it, but still, the continuity from the original is somewhat lacking.

    Passing, I tend to agree, but less vehemently. I still remember seeing the original with my girlfriend’s little boy. That was the first time in that boy’s life that he shut up for more than three minutes. We were stunned, and all he could say afterward was “Can we see it again?”. But the ushers were booting everyone because every showing was sold out (something that was unheard of back then).

  25. And Natalie Portman is hot.

    I think the reason Star Wars worked so well the first time is that it was a cowboy movie set in space with a lot of attention to the details that helped the audience suspend disbelief. Plus the technology was like nothing that any of us had seen before. It really was quite amazing.

    I know everyone knows someone like this–Guy named Jeffie Pooh that worked for me saw Star Wars at least 50 times. And that’s why that movie made so much money. There were a lot of Jeffie Pooh’s.

  26. Why I this way speak? Public schools went I too.

    (dead horse resist couldn’t kicking)

  27. One libertarian/SW connection are the Lando Calrissian novels by L. Neil Smith.

    Yoda must talk like that because he’s not a native speaker of Galactic Standard. My guess is that he was raised to speak Latin, or a similar tongue that at the back of the sentence the verb puts.


  28. “He says Luke’s father was a great pilot. These prequels give us no real evidence for that.”

    Because winning the pod race(the only human to participate), the droid ship battle (in an unfamiliar ship btw) and the chase on Corascant of the Senator’s would be assassin showed he was a terrible pilot. Sometimes you just want to shake your head.

  29. The title of the article a bit misleading, since there is a live action TV series in the works.

    Hopefully Lucas will restrain himself to a role as producer for the series, since that is the job he is best at. Sadly, it’s pretty obvious he wants to try his hand at “this writing thing.”

  30. Are Ewoks edible? I wonder what they taste like.
    Raccoon, maybe?


    You may all be mourning over nothing. I have it on good authority (ie, somebody who saw the picture and pronounces it Sith-tastic) that Yoda lets slip at the end that the Liam Neeson character is somehow still alive, and that Obi is now going back to complete his training with him. I have a sneaking supsicion El Georgeo is setting up to squeeze out one more steaming pile of cinema before this thing’s done. Seven, after all, is a luckier number than six.

    And one more spoiler: My wish for this movie was that they would bring in some ten-year-old punk (maybe whoever’s playing Tanner in the Bad News Bears remake) to do a turn as young Han Solo, but apparently that doesn’t happen.

  32. Spoiler:

    From that script Julian posted a week or so ago. Apparently Neeson’s character is “alive” in the same way Kenobi, Yoda are at the end of “Jedi”, as a disembodied spirit. He’s the one who taught the two of them how to do that (though somehow Anakin/Vader managed to pick the trick up as well).

  33. So he is “alive” … “from a certain point of view.”

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